Choice Words: Give Yourself Goosebumps #15: Please Don't Feed the Vampire!

I'm often curious what of the Give Yourself Goosebumps lines are considered either the most popular or at least the most well-known. Because I think it's this one. Or at least when it comes to the book being referenced in a lot of later-era GB media. Because Fifi the Vampire Poodle has made appearances in everything from the movie to the 2023 TV series. It's also a vampire book, and Stine rarely does vampires. According to him it's a genre where he doesn't really get good Goosebumps ideas from, and Vampire Breath was just okay at best. So that makes this one even more intriguing. Is it a delightful bite or fangs for nothin'? Let's see with Please Don't Feed the Vampire!

This cover is great. Simple, but very good in giving us the basic premise of the plot. We have a vampire dog on our hands. And Fifi is a creepy enough vampire poodle, complete with menacing red eyes and giant fangs. The excited wagging tail and the bows are cute touches, a good example of adding silly to scary. I will say the warping still looks off, especially in the cut down art for the cover. Looks a bit better in the full art, but still in a way that does feel a bit too surreal. You might find me knocking the cover art as disrespectful, but Mark Nagata himself has stated the cover art had to be rushed as it was around this time that issues were mounting with a few of the prior covers, namely Secret Agent Grandma, which was mentioned when we covered that book. That issue aside, it's still good stuff.

With the Goosebumps movie's release in 2015 came more Classic Goosebumps covers, which means new covers by Brandon Dorman. Interestingly, this is the only Give Yourself Goosebumps book to receive a reprint. As for the cover, it's an attempt at remaking the original, and it's not bad. Fifi looks great, coming off closer to her look in the movie. Though maybe it's the angle, but her snout looks more rodent-like. I think the wrinkles looking a bit whiskery doesn't help matters. I also like the little bat chew toy, I guess in case you needed further confirmation that this is indeed a vampire dog. Good stuff from Dorman. 

As is the case with these books, given that the protagonist is often presented as the reader and no specific gender is given, I'll be using They/Them and "The Player" when I talk about our protagonist. Cool? Then let's go to the dogs.

The player shows their friend Gabe their purchase from Scary Stuff, the Halloween store run by a man named Mr. Reuterly who has a glass eye. It's called "Vampire in a Can" and it contains plastic fangs, a cape and a tattoo of fang marks. It also has a strange looking packet with a warning label to "keep away". Though if it was meant to be kept away, why is it even in the can? Either way, this takes us to the first main split of the book. Do we open the packet, or leave it be?

PATH #01: GUESS WHO JUST GOT DRAC TODAY?

The player opens the packet with the fake fangs, but some of the liquid goes into their mouth. Gabe worries that it's real blood, which seems to be correct. The player is really thirsty all of a sudden, but when they have some water they find it disgusting. They need something else, something more sanguine. But cranberry juice isn't the right call either. When the player looks in the mirror, they notice they have no reflection. And they're growing real fangs. They've turned into a real vampire and they're in the mood for some blood. Gabe's in particular. So does the player bite Gabe or leave him alone? This is a trick path as if you choose not to bite Gabe the next page says that you're still really thirsty, so one bite wouldn't hurt. Well wouldn't hurt you specifically. So the player has to bite Gabe regardless. Gabe grabs a steak, not a stake, which doesn't do much to stop the player, but shoving bubblegum in their mouth does. Now calmed down, the player asks Gabe what they should do to cure this. This gives us four options. Go back to Mr. Reuterly? Do research? Wait and hope it wears off? Or just say "screw it" and stay as a vampire? Interestingly, three out of four routes do have unique happy endings, while researching goes nowhere and you're forced back to the previous page to resume your choices. 

We'll start with going to Mr. Reuterly. The two find him before he closes and tell him of the vampire situation. He gives the player a card with the number 555-VAMPIRE on it. They call and the man on the other end tells the player to go to 999 Sanguine Road. Gabe thinks it's a bad idea, so do we take his advice or keep going? Ignoring Gabe is the call here. The address leads to an old factory building. The player notices a bunch of bats heading to a window and wants to follow while Gabe says it's wiser to ring the doorbell. Doorbell is the right call here. Inside is a short, pudgy man named Herman Carmine who leads the player to a room with coffins, while leaving Gabe in the lobby. The player isn't fond of whatever's in store and returns to the lobby, only to find Gabe is missing. Does the player search the lobby or head back home for help? We get what I guess is an ambiguous ending by going back home. Gabe and the player's parents are there and hold a surprise birthday party. It turns out that the packet was just a fake blood pack that makes the player really thirsty, but not bloodthirsty. The mirror was also gimmicked. However, the player sees their mother offer them a glass of blood-red punch and realizes that she's a vampire, as are their father and Gabe. So I guess they've been a vampire all along? I guess? I guess it was all latent and they just not got their powers?

To actually continue to the good ending, it's time to explore the factory. They return to the coffin room, but the floor gives way and they land in a room filled with vampires. One of them, Countess Yvonne, offers the player a glass of red liquid. Drink or not drink? The answer is not drink. Instead, the player throws a goblet of red liquid at Countess Yvonne's face, which causes the other vampires to rush her and lick her face. The player could leave, or join in the licking, which I'm not gonna lie Bob, this is definitely grounds to be called a fetish awakening. We're not licking the face, in fact the book calls you out on being weird for licking the face in one of the better silly endings. The player finds Gabe, who has been turned into a vampire. He notes that there's an area in the factory that contains garlic spray, which could be used to heal the vampirism. Suddenly an old vampire woman shows up, telling the kids that she'll help them. Trust her or don't? If you don't, you're actually given a test to see if the player has good instinct. If you have 1000 bucks, do you trust your grandmother, a kangaroo, or an ex-con? If you're hungry, do you get food from a friend with half a sandwich, a kangaroo, or two sick kids running a lemonade stand? Both answers are A obviously. If you got both B answers, you have a good sense of humor and if both C answers, you might be dumb. Props to Stine in this one, he loves calling you a stupid piece of shit.

The old vampire woman gives the player and Gabe a book that can tell them how to cure the vampirism. But when they check, they see the page is torn. However, another page notes that for four hours and a day that one should drink only garlic and water. Countess Yvonne and the vampires find the kids and advance on them, so should they find the garlic spray or return the way they came? Well running off seems silly, so to the garlic spray we go. They grab the garlic spray and use it to ward off the vampires, including Mr. Reuterly. They head back to the player's house and debate using the garlic spray. If they don't, then the book has the kids try to not eat for four hours and a day, but that doesn't work. So they go full vampire and visit a blood bank, which I guess is ambiguous if the player's cool with vampirism. No, the call is to drink the garlic spray. The kids drink the spray and the player's mom comes in, noticing the spell. They tell her of the vampirism, but she doesn't believe them because Goosebumps Parents. But when they show her the fangs, she doesn't see any, which means the spray worked and the kids are cured. 

So now you're probably thinking, well that's good, we can move on to the vampire dog now, right? Wrong. We have two more paths before that. So the player instead thinks to sleep off the effects. However, they wake up at 10 and see they're still a vampire. They tell their mom about it (you can choose not to, but it loops you into the previous path) and she tells the player's dad who just so happens to be a dentist. He places metallic braces in the player's mouth, but they're still thirsty. Bite dad or someone else? The player bites their dad, but it doesn't puncture. They panic and run off to Gabe's and asks if they should go to Scary Stuff, or maybe try eating a raw steak to satiate the bloodlust. The choice is to eat the raw meat. It works as the player realizes they can get by with eating cow blood instead of human blood. They're content with being a vampire and won't take the braces off. And for Halloween, they'll dress as a human instead. Happy enough ending?

And now we finally get the vampire dog... is what I would say, but we have a third option to go through. And you thought the main path would be the vampire dog because of the cover. He got you again! The player decides that maybe they should just be a vampire after all. They sleep upside down and the next night plan their attack. They decide to start with Mrs. Winesap, the cranky old neighbor that took the player's flying disc. But when they go to attack, they learn that Mrs. Winesap ate garlic bread, so no luck there. They run to the graveyard and find an open grave. Suddenly they hear someone approaching. Enter the grave or face their stalker? Facing the stalker it is, who is Mr. Reuterly, who is also a vampire. Some time ago, he was a death's door, but was soon approached by vampires with Vampire in a Can. Consuming the packet gave him eternal life. He offers to help the player become more of a vampire, in exchange for the blood of one of their friends. Does the player take up the offer or run? We're taking the offer.

The choice is to go to Robbie Morgan's house. An older kid who bullies the player a lot. However, when they open the door, Gabe walks out. Mr. Reuterly bites Robbie and Gabe, turning them into vampires, then flies off. As the player tries to explain, Robbie's parents show up. Explain what's going on or run for it? Running is the call. The player runs for it as the cops pursue them. Eventually they manage to fully escape. They make it to a different part of town and work at a diner for years. They soon meet another vampire, fall in love and some time later have kids. A big happy vampire family. And that's the three good endings for this path. We can finally get to the vampire dog.

PATH #02: GOING TO THE DOGS

The player opts not to open the packet. However, their poodle Fifi enters the room and bites the packet. She eats the contents and starts to growl angrily. Then she grows large fangs and is far more aggressive. She then bolts out of the house, destroying the backdoor. The player and Gabe go to chase after her, but the phone rings. Pick up or give chase? The answer is, of course, to chase. They're unable to get to Fifi, but run into another dog, a golden retriever named Buttermilk, who has two large fang marks in his neck. He snaps at the player and is now also a vampire dog. And more vampire dogs begin to show up and surround the kids. The pair make a run for it back to the player's house and have to choose going inside or going to the garage. The choice is the garage. The kids are trapped, but Gabe finds some dog biscuits, which he gives to the dogs, which turns them back to normal. They came from a can labeled "Dog in a Can" and if eaten by humans could turn them into dogs. The player decides to take one. They'd love to be a dog for Halloween. And that's it. That's the extent of the vampire dog path. Oh gee, I wonder which path Stine prioritized? 

There are only Fifteen bad endings in this one, which admittedly feels like a pretty low count for GYG. But maybe there's some hidden gems in this one? Let's do the Transylvanian Twist.

#01: The player listens to Gabe and goes home to bed. Their mom wakes them up the next day by opening the curtains, turning the player to ash.

RATING: 3. I mean you expect at least one "killed by sunlight" ending and this one does the trick.

#02: The red liquid turns out to be vampire medicine to heal the vampirism. It also puts the player to sleep for a hundred years. Countess Yvonne says that the Vampire in a Can was to make young vampires, but kids are too young and need to sleep first. Also they already got Gabe. 

RATING: 2.5. It's a bit rushed, even if it's two pages of build. Definitely a fair explanation for the Vampire in a Can at least.

#03: The book straight up calls you gross and weird for wanting to lick blood of Countess Yvonne's face.

RATING: 3. Honestly up there for the best "You stupid kid, you REALLY chose this ending?" that we've gotten.

#04: The kids run into a room where they encounter Count Von Smelling, the oldest vampire of them all. Born in 1327 B.C. He tells the kids his story and they presumably die of boredom. 

RATING: 2. This isn't my favorite of the "bored to death" style endings, but it's still fun. 

#05: The player leaves the dentist's office when a classmate, Carrie Mosher, attacks the player's date and bites them in the neck. She's a vampire too. She leaves while the player is too weak. Since the player is legally dead, their mom has them cremated.

RATING: 2.5. Well that escalated out of nowhere. 

#06: The player is unable to find anything to cure the vampirism at Scary Stuff and become too weak to move. Their parents strike a deal with Mr. Reuterly display them in the store window, dressed in the full vampire outfit.

RATING: 2.5. I mean... unless this is a really shadowy area, wouldn't the player just die from the sunlight? 

#07: The player hides in an open coffin, only for someone to drop a corpse on them and bury the coffin. The player is buried alive (well, what constitutes as alive for a vampire) and decides to take a long dirt nap.

RATING: 3. Something silly about the player just being cool with being buried alive and just sleeping on a corpse. 

#08: The player refuses to sell out their friends, so Mr. Reuterly just bites and kills them.

RATING: 2.5. Works for a decent screw-over. Stine with a nice middle finger to altruism I guess.

#09: The player tries to explain themselves, but gets arrested and dies of hunger in a prison cell.

RATING: 2.5. Something genuinely silly about a vampire in a jail cell helps elevate this ending.

#10: The player rushes to the front door, but it's locked. The vampire dogs surrounds them and start biting. 

RATING: 3. I like the screw over in this one. Not the most dynamic, but works.

#11: The player gets trapped as a bat, to which Gabe makes a joke that they could join Major League Baseball and be a bat-boy.

RATING: 2. Elevated by the pun which is goofy even for Stine standards. 

#12: Fifi bites the player, which turns them into a vampire. Gabe runs for it, but gets caught and bitten.

RATING: 3. I like this one because while it's basic like a lot of them are, it still works as a solid way to end the story. The player's screwed over. Gabe's screwed over. Everyone's screwed over!

#13: Mr. Weniger saves the player from the dogs and plans to sell them to a circus. The player is then bitten by a vampire mosquito.

RATING: 3. I do appreciate the extra screw-over for no real good reason. You think you're in the clear then bam! Vampire mosquito.

#14: Mr. Weniger yells at the player and kicks them out of his shop. Now the player is too scared to open the door and gets Gabe to do it. The book rightly calls them a wimp.

RATING: 3. What a dumb twist that it actually becomes one of my favorites. Something funny about being screwed over by wussiness.

#15: Fifi tries to protect the player but it's too late. The vampire pets surround them and feast.

RATING: 3.5. Elevated because I like the idea of Fifi trying to come to her master's rescue. That's cute. Still a screw over regardless. 

BEST ALTERNATE ENDING: MAN'S BEST FIEND

WORST ALTERNATE ENDING: COUNT BORE-ULA

It figures, huh? The cover concept is the throwaway story in this one. Like this might be the most lopsided when it comes to the two main paths from the first branch. Like two extra paths to take in the Fifi path. Meanwhile the first path has multiple paths, three good endings, two endings that go either way, has gimmicks like sending you down one path in three separate directions. It's believed that we don't get many vampire stories because Stine's not good at making vampire stories, and I guess that's half right? Because when it comes to a fresher idea like a vampire dog, he definitely can't muster up much. Which, in hindsight, does make it funny that Fifi of all characters is the one featured in more Goosebumps media. And yes, I can definitely give Mark Nagata more credit for at least making Fifi feel memorable, as the story really doesn't do much of that. 

But when it's the more straightforward idea of a kid having to deal with being a vampire, he definitely can come up with a lot of really fun paths and some decent endings. Nothing to the level of insanity as, say, Welcome to the Wicked Wax Museum, but nothing out and out horrible. But you can definitely tell he had ideas here. Different ways to deal with the vampirism. From trying to find a cure, to accepting the vampirism in multiple ways. And it does give us the adventure that really doesn't ever come from the vampire dog path. So you could argue that this could have just been a Goosebumps book proper, but given the multiple paths for multiple good endings, I think it at least justifies itself more than it honestly should. And that's what keeps me from really hating this one. I'm absolutely disappointed in the Fifi path being so underwhelming, but the main vampire path is pretty fun and if Stine was to put his whole effort into one of the two main paths, I'm glad he put that effort into this one. So it bumps this book up to a recommend. Just, set those expectations from the cover super low. Please Don't Feed the Vampire! Gets a B-.