NNtG: Spinetinglers #03: My Teacher's a Bug

Well we're back in Spinetinglers territory. Last time we covered the first book in the series, The Substitute Creature, which may have been the ultimate nothingburger of a kids horror book. Not the worst book ever but just did not pay off that well. So to come back to Spinetinglers with another book about a possible monster teacher, two books after the fact no less feels like maybe a make-good? Like they saw the first book may have left kids short-changed so they went "hey, let's try this again and make the teacher a mantis this time. The kids love them some mantises. Will this be a luckier break, or will I be left wanting to change schools? Let's see with My Teacher's a Bug.

I love this goofy cover. Like this is the perfect kind of Goosebumps-ish cover. Normal looking situation only with a monster involved. And this giant mantis wearing glasses and a necktie, actually looking dedicated to the art of teaching students is such a fun scenario. A lot of books have the trouble in getting what makes a memorable Goosebumps cover. Some try for just a monster, some try to make the scenario super scary. I think you need that blend of comedy with the horror scenario. When it lands it really lands. And I just realized oh crap, I like this cover. I liked Substitute Creature's cover too... 

So this book starts weird. Literally with a prologue about the Weekly World News where airline pilots swear they saw some strange armored gargoyle carrying something living in a bag. After that we mention a man in black who believes in flying saucers. We mention a girl in a Texas Dairy Queen who seems to have lost her memory, but remembers the word cynget. The man in black is then spotted as a cargo jet has crashed with what he mentions is a cargo full of bees inside. Super powerful bees. Superbees. And maybe other giant bugs, but we're still trying to piece things together pretty early. Three chapters deep and we're introduced to our protagonist, Ryan Sullivan. His dad moved the family to Teddle Base, Texas, which is actually not much of a town, more of a government facility with most of the place fenced up and guards ready to shoot tresspassers. Ryan is also suffering from bad allergies, which annoy his older brother Anthony. So he has to get that sorted out before going to school. 

The first day of school arrives for Ryan who starts the day listening to Weird Wally on the radio. Sort of a shock jock character who likes to mock his callers, including a lady who mentions seeing a cynget, a kind of flying saucer. But of course, Wally doesn't believe her and mostly just mocks her though not in a Howard Stern, Opie and Anthony type way. Ryan heads to school and meets a girl named Patty who is very serious and seems to keep ignoring him. But that's nothing compared to his science teacher, Mr. Mantis, who looks like a giant mantis in a suit. Ryan panics and heads to the nurse, thinking he must be seeing things, but he sees Mr. Mantis again and nope, he's a bug alright. At least, he seems to be the only one besides Patty who can tell that Mr. Mantis is a giant bug. She says that Ryan has to keep quiet about it because if he were to reveal to anyone that he's seeing giant bugs, he'd be taken to the military base where the bugs work. Most of the town are giant bugs. This book feels like it should have come with a free tinfoil hat. 

Patty first noticed during the summer when she slipped by the pool. She didn't hit her head, but ever since she's seen the giant bugs. She didn't tell her parents because Goosebumps-like parents, and suggests that Ryan does the same. She thinks that the reason people can't see the people as bugs is because of pheromones in the air, and since Ryan had his allergies, his allergy medicine might be blocking the pheromones. She mentions that there are others who also have seen the bug people, but we'll get to them in a bit I guess. Ryan tells Anthony, who doesn't believe him, but Ryan says to see for himself the next day. But when Ryan sees Mr. Mantis, he just looks like a normal old man. Ryan meets with Patty and the other kids in the Wide-Awake club, all kids who claim to have seen bug people. Terri Van Gelder, Amy Polson, Mike Ploen, Vic, and the leader Quentin Meyer, or Quint for short. He mentions that they know about the bug people but aren't going to do much about it, mainly see where this goes. Also Teddle Base has a lot of empty houses. They belonged to people carried off by the bug people, who are mostly harmless. That is, except for the wasps. Ryan inquires about the wasps, but nobody will tell him what's up, since we got about 90 or so pages left to get to the answer.

We get more mention of the man in black, who is at a Texaco and is made aware of Teddle Base, which even for a guy who seems to know everything secretive going on, is a bit caught off guard, but then realizes that it must be the base for the aliens that have been flying in the area. Aliens that look like giant bugs. Ryan calls Weird Wally to mention seeing the bugs, to which Wally snaps at him, saying that he's a bug and Ryan better not muck up their plans. Ryan then gets a note from Anthony saying that he believes in the bugs now, but it's all a ruse as Anthony just scares him with an ant monster mask. Patty later talks to Ryan to tell him to shut his stupid yap or they'll all be in big trouble. So far, the bugs really haven't done anything to be blabbing about, not even the wasps, who are still a threat that we're just not going to get an answer about yet, huh? 

At school, Mr. Mantis brings up extinction in class, which Ryan thinks might be connected. There's then an assembly where the principal Mr. Nader, who is a wasp, seems to make some sort of buzzing comment about how everyone needs to obey or die, but I guess the non-bugs don't quite hear that part. Ryan leaves, only for a large yellowjacket man to confront him and sting him. However, when he's at the nurse's office, the nurse says that he slipped on soda and hit his head. Ryan notices his arm's in pain, but there's no large wound. Mr. Mantis shows up and offers him a ride home, but Ryan is against the idea of riding with his bug teacher. As he walks home, he runs into Terri who is in a panic about her parents being lumped and taken away. When Ryan asks what lumped means, she won't say and tells him to read about it because why explain anything in this book, I guess? Ryan then spots him. The man in black. 

When he gets home, Ryan continues to not listen to Patty and tries to warn his family about the bugs, namely Mr. Mantis, who just so happens to be coming over for dinner with his wife. Ryan heads up to his room and reads on what being lumped might mean as wasps sting their victims and lay eggs inside them. Mr. Mantis and his wife Trudy show up with a platter full of dead bugs. Ryan's mom almost eats some, but Ryan knocks the food over. Everyone is pissed at him, but Mr. Mantis offers to talk with Ryan about everything. See, the bug people are from another planet, but they aren't aliens. Instead, it's a strange alternate Earth. One run by millions of bugs types, but have since whittled down to ants, mantises, bees and wasps. But something involving the base at Teddle has somehow caused a rift in dimensions that brought the bugs to this planet. Which is bad because the bees, the ants and the wasps all fight for control and dominance as predicted by the writer Jee-Arge Errweel, AKA George Orwell, with is book 1984. This book is fucking weird, yo. 

But now the world is in danger with the bugs ready to fight for control of the planet. After Mr. Mantis leaves, Ryan notices a lump on his mother's back. She's been lumped, with a wasp larvae inside her. He talks with Mr. Mantis, who says there could be a way to stop this, and it involves his key, a silver ball that acts as a doorway between the human world and the giant bug world. And if it works, it can send the other bugs back to a different world. To do so they have to get into the base and find the rift that opened. As they talk, Patty shows up with Mr. Nader, the wasp principal. Yeah, Patty's been working with the wasps most of this time. She was the girl with amnesia from earlier in the story. The fall wasn't what caused her to see the bugs, she has been taken by one of their cyngets, brainwashed, and used to watch for other humans to help capture and to rat out traitors like Mr. Mantis. She believes that the wasps will totally keep her safe and won't use her for food or a host for their young since she's a kid and all. Because they've been so trustworthy so far, right? 

Ryan is taken to the base and thrown in a cell, but are soon rescued by his dad, Terri's dad and Anthony. They know about the invasion and what's going on and have to stop it. They don't trust Mr. Mantis, but Ryan vouches for him, saying he's on the side of good. They sneak out of the base and see Mr. Nader with the other wasps, planning their big invasion. They try to escape while Mr. Mantis heads to the school to recover the key. Suddenly, the Marines show up and the war really begins. As the war seems to succeed for the human side, Ryan talks with the Colonel, a man named Finch, who says they got the warning about what's going on from a higher up, to which Ryan clues in that it must have been the man in black. They didn't know if it was bugs or Russians (didn't mention it but man this book punches down on the Russians a lot) but they knew they had to reclaim Teddle Base. And that means exterminating all of the bugs, even Mr. Mantis and Trudy. Ryan finds Mr. Mantis and helps him with the key to his portal ball. The mantises enter the portal and dissapear. Ryan gets caught by Colonel Finch. That is, until the man in black shows up. He doesn't really explain much, mostly a lot of vague classified info, but says that if Ryan wanted, he could be a good man in black. But the bug problem is definitely over.

Later, Ryan watches the news and sees the president giving a speech to congress, many of which are bugs. You know in 1995 this would be considered too out there, but in 2025...

Well this was not the book I was expecting, let me get that out in the open early on. And I think that works in its favor. Granted, I don't think it fully lands its concept and even by the end with the man in black, you really don't get any concrete answer as to what's going on. You're sort of left asking more questions than receiving answers. Which I guess makes sense given the book's real conspiracy theorist feel to everything. Only instead of lizard people it's bug people. Add in possible alien technology, world rifts, obvious references to Kafka and Orwell, and you have one of the strangest kids books I've ever read. One that I do feel has a cool idea in it, but feels very sluggish to get through. I've had this one for a few years and its first few chapters were a barrier as I felt this book was very slow to start. But you do get a solid action payoff, some good creepy horror, and a dark enough twist ending. So I can't call this book bad either, just feeling like it's missing some extra beat. Hell, we don't know what even befell Patty, as she seems to just escape by the end.

Ryan's a decent protagonist. Not really too much to him. He of course is quick to judge all of the bugs, namely Mr. Mantis, who ends up being pretty likable. Takes a while for Mr. Mantis to feel like he's integral to the plot mind you, part of my other issue with the book's pacing. Patty is odd. Even with the book setting up her amnesia early on, her sudden heel turn feels very out of nowhere. I guess if the book needed Ryan to side with Mr. Mantis on the good bugs side, we needed Patty to suddenly turn and represent the bugs. But aside from her turn, she really doesn't do anything else. Like i said, she just vanishes after that. The Man in Black exists but feels super vague by intent to the point that he leaves like no impact. And aside from Mr. Nader, we really don't get much of anything with him as the big villain leading the wasps. And the whole thing is so easily defeated by the Marines that it doesn't land as hard as the book intends. So much setup for less than stellar payoff.

It is interesting that this is the third book in the series. And while we started with a very Goosebumps-ish story about a maybe-monster teacher with a lacking payoff, the two books after were going for bigger epics with tons of action and suspense. Though, of the two, Billy Baker's Dog Won't Stay Buried feels like a better book than this. Heavier on the action, the horror, the build of everything going to hell with the dead animals causing havoc. This has a lot of good build and some solid scares, but that pesky pacing keeps it from being one that I feel works as well. Also, and I know it's a case of mere coincidence, but the idea of the alternate dimensions feels like a Shadow Zone thing. And this book, while far from the worst, ain't no Shadow Zone. I'll also say that in 2025 reading a book so laden in conspiracy theory talk isn't as fun when you see the pilled world we ended up in compared to the more fun conspiracy theories of 1995.

So overall, this one was fine. Not the best paced, and not the smoothest book, lacking in quite a few things to really make it stand out. But I think it works for its horror and the idea is at least a bit more inspired. I'd recommend it. Spinetinglers is an odd book series so far from what I've seen, but it does at least feel like it takes more risks than a few of the GB-likes. I guess I'm definitely in for some strange books with this series. That could be a good or bad thing, mind you. My Teacher's a Bug gets a B-.