The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps House of Shivers #01: Scariest. Book. Ever.

For the first time since 2017, Goosebumps is entering a new series. SlappyWorld has ran for longer than the original 62, which feels so wild. but after nineteen books and a special edition, Slappy's world has finally come to an end. But now we enter a brand new world. And what all of the advertising and promotions have proclaimed to be a "Bold, New Goosebumps." That concerns me. But then again damn near everything Stine does concerns me. But it's time for a fresh new start in a new Goosebumps series with a book title that I hope can live up to the lofty expectations set on it. It's Stine, of course it won't. But let's see what is inside Scariest. Book. Ever.

Well, Goosebumps is proclaiming to be new, and that comes with the cover art as well. Because House of Shivers introduces us to a new cover artist. Gone is Brandon Dorman, which is a shame as I really felt, especially in SlappyWorld, he was hitting his strides. But our new cover artist, Robert Ball, does an incredible job with his first piece. I love the mixtures of purples and pinks. Yes, I'll say it. It's VERY bisexual lighting, but it also works in selling a dark and mysterious setting. The "Man-Bat" design is also cool and creepy, though I see green monster face and I just think Haunted Mask, so yeah. I like the silhouette of the house, and the two kids running off. 

But the thing I love most about this cover... THE ORIGINAL GOOSEBUMPS LOGO IS BACK! After over two decades, the original logo is prevalent on the main series and I'm so glad it's back. Granted I wish the slime borders were back as well but what are you gonna do? So if the new series has done anything right so far, it's sold me on the cover art. I pray for the book's actual quality...

Twins Billy and Betty Arnold are on their way to their Uncle Wendell's house deep in the secluded Wayward Forest. Why? Well, their parents are going to London and conveniently there's no other family members who can watch over them and their terrier Bellamy, which is a decent enough dog name. Also this is a Stine book with a dog focus so I'm just going to let that anxiety set riiiight  in. Their parents find Uncle Wendell's place, but no Uncle Wendell. They assume that he's in town to get groceries and then just leave because they REALLY got to get to London. So, you're concerned about the twins being on their own, but you leave them on their own to wait for their uncle, an uncle they don't know since the last time they would have saw him would have been when they were babies, in the middle of a creepy forest. They totally just ditched their kids, didn't they? New Goosebumps series, same Goosebumps parents.

The twins eventually manage to get inside the house but it's dark and empty. A large man in flannel with a wild black beard shows up. This is Uncle Wendell, who is in a panic over a book being stolen. Of course, it's still early in the book to tell us what's up, but Billy and Betty are confused. He is about to show them to their room when he mentions that Bellamy has to stay outside, and has his daughter Jesse take the dog. As he leads the kids to their rooms, Billy walks into a really big mousetrap and injures his ankle. He then introduces them to Gus, a stuffed bear. Gus was stuffed eighty years ago but due to the magic of the Wayward forest, Gus comes to life once a year and dances for Wendell. Billy and Betty think this must be one of his crazy stories, but Wendell doesn't have a sense of humor. 

At dinner, while eating meat sandwiches to which we don't know what the meat actually is so lord only knows, Wendell tells the twins about the Wayward Forest. Only he and his family have ever been in the forest as it's both a private area and the creatures who dwell within are far more strange and dangerous than your average forest. Raccoon-sized robins and crows, giant worms (God if this is secretly Go Eat Worms II...), and strange six-legged crab creatures. Betty is enthralled but Billy isn't buying it. But it's a moot point because they're going in the woods tomorrow because they have to find whoever stole a very valuable book. He takes them to the basement where his library is and the twins see a bunch of chains on a wall where Uncle Wendell intends to capture the person who stole the scariest book in the world. WHY is it the scariest book, we don't get an answer just yet, but when it comes to corporal punishment, Uncle Wendell's a bit kinky.

All we know of the book is that it's evil and if anyone finds it all hell will break loose. The kids are confused, obviously, not knowing what to think about their weird uncle and his mysterious book of mystery. Suddenly, a creature swoops at them. It's a bat, but it has a human head! Hey, like the book cover. The bat warns the kids to get out, when Jesse shows up and the bat lands on her arm. She seems to be able to calm the creature well, but tells the kids not to listen to a bat, man. Oh gee, I wonder WHO stole the book? 

The next day, Wendell and the kids begin their trek in the forest, but not before mentioning the three large sheds by Wendell's house, which hold creatures he's captured, including a basketball-sized mosquito called a bloodskeet. They trek forward and run into giant hatching eggs containing cannibal crows. And the cannibal part is literal as the newly hatched crows kill each other pretty quickly. Well that happened. What also happens is Billy being attacked by a flying tree bear. Wendell saves Billy in time and the three make a run for it, while Betty brags about being braver than Billy, because her thing is bragging about constantly dunking on Billy while Billy's thing is... sneezing. Reader beware, you should have packed some Allegra. 

Billy and Betty then run afoul of a three-headed snake, as in it keeps spawning heads, so maybe it's a hydra? Betty saves Billy from an attack, but before she can gloat about it, they notice that Wendell's missing. They then find the machete that he was carrying stuck in the ground, but no Wendell. Billy panics, thinking they should head home, but they realize they've lost their path. Billy tries to use his phone, but no signal. I mean... we established that the woods are secluded and nobody but Wendell and presumably Jesse have been in the forest. I don't think he thought to set up a cell tower. Suddenly a manbat shows up and grabs Betty. Billy uses his phone as a flashlight and manages to eventually get the creature to leave. Of course, Betty never thanks him for this, opting instead to get mad at him because oh right, the light attracted giant moths. Billy then ends up in quicksand, but is saved by Betty, so she still gets to brag a little about saving him.

The two make it back to Uncle Wendell's house when they hear loud banging from one of the sheds. Despite all obvious signs that this would be a bad idea, Betty unlocks the door and inside is a man with long blonde hair who instantly recognizes them because this is the REAL Uncle Wendell. Not sure this is the scariest book ever or the most recycled. Either way, it's time for part two of the book, which I guess would just be a normal Slappy interjection, but he's not here so we don't get anything. And I have never been happier. 

So yeah, this guy is the REAL Wendell, who was trapped in the shed for about three days by the fake Wendell, who is known as the Bookworm, because he doesn't read books, he steals them. This is literally just the Batman villain. Batman, man bat, I see what you're doing, Bob! So, as I also assumed, Jesse is working with the Bookworm and they have been trying to steal the scariest book in the world, but Wendell still has it with him, meaning that the Bookworm is still searching for it and he'll be back. He then goes to get the book, but oh no! It's missi-oh wait, it's on a different shelf. New Goosebumps, same bad stingers. There are those who have been trying to steal the book for years, trying to unleash its evil, but Wendell fled to the Wayward Forest to hide the book. Also, if it's destroyed, the evil will be released, so burning it is out of the question. Too bad nobody asked Jesse who has a freaking FLAMETHROWER!

Yes, the Bookworm and Jesse show up, intent on taking the book, with Jesse packing literal heat. They force Wendell to give them the book lest they burn the place down. He hands them the book and the two leave, not before blasting the place with the flamethrower. But Wendell is happy because he didn't give them the real book, it's down in a vault in a lower part of the house. But perhaps they celebrated too soon because Bookworm and Jesse corner them again. Yeah, even they knew that Wendell was bluffing. They open the vault, only to find nothing in there. See, Wendell was lying the whole time. There WAS no scariest book in the world, it was all a lie to make him sound famous for having the greatest book collection in the world. Don't worry, it's a bluff, but I was CLOSE to throwing the book across the room. 

The Bookworm and Jesse don't buy it and intend to search the entire building for the book, but not before locking Billy, Betty and Wendell in the vault. After a while (and after Billy sneezes on Betty because that's his thing, may I remind you) Wendell grabs a key and escapes because it turns out that there really IS a scariest book in the world and they have to get it first. Definitely feeling a sense of wheel spinning right now. And given this book is a longer than normal 149 pages, those suspicions seem to be feeling pretty likely. As Wendell takes the kids into the forest where the book is hidden, Betty asks what the point of the vault was, to which Wendell says "no more questions." YEP. Cue up Blood Sweat & Tears then ride a painted pony, SPINNING WHEEL GOTTA GO ROUND.

The trio sneak out, but Billy sneezes again, which sends the Bookworm and Jesse chasing after them. As the three run to hide, Bellamy barks at them, revealing where they are again, before attacking the Bookworm. Billy, Betty and Wendell hide behind what they think is a dirt mound but is just a big pile of worms. The three then head to a cave of the locust, as in a giant locust which eats all the worms that accumulated on the kids. Wendell runs off to get the book, but doesn't show up. Then another man with red hair shows up and says he's Uncle Wendell-oh fuck off. I mean it makes sense but...

Yeah, THAT "Uncle Wendell" was another thief called The Collector. He locked the real Wendell in the safe before the Bookworm captured The Collector. But he's the real deal since he knows that Betty's real first name is Bethany. The Collector attacks Wendell before trying to run off with the book. But Billy sneezes again, which is enough for a pair of flying bears to attack The Collector and for Wendell to recover the real book. 

Mr. and Mrs. Arnold return from London and Billy and Betty return home. However, when they unpack, they see that Uncle Wendell gave them the scariest book in the world, believing they can be the ones to protect it. This might have been a dumb idea since Billy immediately wants to see what's inside. 

I'm conflicted on this one. On one hand, there's a lot of good in this book. The adventure is always moving and there are a lot of unique and freaky creatures in the Wayward Forest. Though we never saw that six-legged creature thing that Bookworm mentioned. And even though yes, it's an annoying final beat that I'll get to in a moment, I don't think the idea of two impostor Uncle Wendells is a bad idea on paper. Because of course it would be more than one person hunting the scariest book in the world. On the other hand, let's call it what the three Uncle Wendell thing actually is, and that's the ultimate excuse to pad this book to another 20 pages and add an extra beat for the climax that feels very superfluous in the scheme of things. But I also had some worry that when we got to the worm mound we'd learn that, like, Bookworm is actually a giant worm or something. "But the logistics" you say. This book has a house-sized locust and bats with human faces. Would it be THAT impossible?

And that's really the biggest issue with the book. It feels very wheel spinning. Places where the story could be expanded in more interesting ways are instead filled with the kids following thieves who don't even know what they're doing correctly. Maybe if the book was more than just a MacGuffin, there'd be something to this story. And that's the biggest problem. We don't get anything with the book other than the claim that it's this Pandora's box that if opened would unleash unspeakable evil. So, you know, give it to two snooping twelve year olds, I'm sure that will go swimmingly. Then again, the secluded woods didn't work out too well either, so point's made. 

Protagonists are fine though very basic. Billy's the meeker kid who sneezes. All he does is sneeze. He's essentially Richard Dreezer but not in Stine's most nihilistic book. Betty is brave but braggadocious, meaning that she isn't all that dynamic either. But they work fine as our two focuses. We get a bunch of villains and they're interesting. More so Bookworm and Jesse, because while Collector himself seems pretty insane, I mean Jesse had a flamethrower. I think that alone classifies her as one of the best Goosebumps villains ever by proxy. I kind of wish we got more of her. We get so little of her with the cool touches of being able to tame man bats and all. She just ends up a background character in the end and yeah, flamethrower or no flamethrower, cool premise or no cool premise, it does mean she's our Superfluous Clay. I guess the man bat's warning was legit at least. Lord, knowing Stine he almost was going to make the man bat the real Uncle Wendell and the third Wendell the Biblio-buster or something like that.

And finally, does this feel like a new Goosebumps vibe? There's chapter titles and a new font, so that's fresh, but is the core storytelling that fresh? A little I guess. There was more focus on action and horror, and even a bit of blood and violence, so it's a step up from most Goosebumps books at least. I think there's enough of a sign of Stine trying to freshen the formula up, the problem is said formula isn't strong enough to really let anything new or fresh work. But for all of its ups and downs, I still think this book was one of the better first books in a series. We'll see how Goblin Monday does before I really give my thoughts on if there's a sense of improvement or not. But while this was far from the scariest book ever, it ultimately ends up being the decent-est book ever.