NNtG: Graveyard School #01: Don't Eat the Mystery Meat!

It's time for a return to Graveyard School. Though technically this is the first trip to Graveyard School in terms of chronological order, but semantics. We covered the second book previously, The Skeleton on the Skateboard almost two whole years ago, but we're back to finally see how this series began. Once again, this is a Goosebumps-like created in 1994 by the author Nola Thacker under the pen name of Tom B. Stone. The stories all take place around the same bizarre school, Grove Hill Elementary, where strange horrors always happen. Take for instance the series' first serving. Is it a true delicacy or is it just tasteless? Bon Appetit, Don't Eat the Mystery Meat!

This cover is great. Honestly up there in terms of covers with actually freaky scenarios. In this case a big ol' plate of spaghetti and eyeballs. I can only imagine that sauce ain't marinara. It's very Goosebumps-like in its angle and the somewhat warped visuals of the fork and spoon. I'd have probably found it scary, but then again that's no surprise. It's definitely the most stomach churning cover we've seen in a while that's for certain. Great effort.

Stacey Carter and her friend Park Addams aren't happy that Summer is over and they're back at Grove Hill for another year of school. It's usually pretty boring, even with it being built next to a graveyard and all. The two are at a school assembly where Principal Morthouse and Assistant Principal Hannibal Lucre introduce the new lunch lady for the school, Gladys Stoker, a skinny and strange looking woman who promises to give the school meals full of protein at a very low cost to the school. So she's Lunch Lady Doris and the kids are going to eat gym mats, even if there's very little meat in them. At lunch, the two talk with Alexander "Jaws" Bennett and Polly Hannah (Pollyanna?) as they get their meal of the day, Meat Loaf Surprise in Mashed Potato Crust. Polly talks with Stacey and another girl named Maria Medina and despite the meat loaf looking green and weird, they all seem to find it delicious, even if Maria seems to be a little curious as to what meat is in said loaf.

Suddenly, Jaws starts to choke and collapses. He's not dead, obviously, but he was pranking the girls, especially Polly. So yeah, Jaws might suck. Why is it always the kids with the nicknames who suck the most ass? Winks, Jaws, Bird... Hat was the most sane of his group at least. The girls leave angrily, but not before warning Jaws that when he really needs help, nobody will believe him, but ol' Teflon Jaws thinks that nothing will ever happen to him, especially in this kids horror story. Stacey makes her leave, but get stopped by Ms. Stoker, who is pleased that she enjoyed the meat loaf surprise, and mentions she's always open to suggestion as to what to use. She then inquires about how strange of a kid Jaws is, to which Stacey says Jaws will eat anything, even roadkill. So yeah, put a pin on that.

After school ends, Stacey and Park talk about how the dog belonging to Polly's mother has gone missing and Park at first thinks maybe Polly got rid of it. Later, as Stacey takes her dog Morris to the park, Maria and Park mention that there are a whole bunch of listings about missing pets. Missing parrots, missing iguanas, missing dogs, boa constrictors, hamsters, potentially an ant farm. Another man at the park mentions cases of dogs being kidnapped in the area. As in straight up stolen from their fenced in areas. There's even a reward for Polly's Mom's dog Sweetie Pie, and he intends to solve the mystery. As they leave the park, someone in the shadows is watching them make their exit. 

The next day's lunch is called Cannibal Stew with Carrot Fingers and Potato Eyes. Everyone however finds it to not be very good. In fact, most of Ms. Stoker's meals have sucked. You could put a suggestion in her suggestion box, but Park says that it's clearly there to weed out people who take umbrage to her cooking. But everyone is disgusted enough to pull the ultimate cardinal sin, the sin that will ostracize them for sure (and I guess is hinted as being something poor kids do, which okay screw these kids) and that's to bring their own meals the next day. The old brown bag treatment. That night, Park heads home for dinner, which is his older sister Susie's cooking. I neglected to mention so far that a lot of Park's dialogue in the book has been slagging his sister for a lot of reasons, mainly her cooking and her dietary concerns. But he finds that he's not very hungry all of a sudden. Possibly having to do with whatever Ms. Stoker's been cooking up.

Park neglects to bring a bag lunch, while everyone else did. But he claims it's because he's inspecting the mystery casserole. Jaws eats it, while Park is certain he saw an eyeball in the casserole. He is also beginning to compare Ms. Stoker and her mystery food to the witch from Hansel and Gretel. Only he doesn't think it's kids she's cooking. No, by the sound of it though it's just as bad. Because Park believes that it's been Ms. Stoker kidnapping the pets and serving them to the kids. Stacey doesn't believe him at first, given it does sound ludicrous, but after talking with Ms. Stoker again and with Ms. Stoker being secretive and creepy when it comes to her recipes, Stacey starts to think Park's on to something. Later, Park sneaks into the lunchroom of the cafeteria, but not before passing Mr. Bartholomew, or "Basement Bart", the hulking creepy custodian of the school. Everybody if you can, don't mess with Bart, man!

Inside the lunchroom, Park finds a giant knife and a refrigerator. Inside the fridge appears to be normal stuff, but there' a mysterious door inside. Suddenly Ms. Stoker shows up and he hides in the fridge. He ends up stuck before Basement Bart saves him. But before he's caught, Park makes a run for it to Stacey's house. Stacey now fully believes Park might not be wrong about what Ms. Stoker's been doing, especially given the increased number of missing pets. Oh and the next day Jaws is missing. He was waiting for the bus then vanished. So, about Ms. Stoker possibly not serving kids on the menu... 

Stacey and Park try to talk with Mr. Lucre and Principal Morthouse about Ms. Stoker, but they're no help. Mr. Lucre in particular seems to have the hots for Ms. Stoker so there's your nightmare ship. Park and Stacey are both worried about Jaws, but end up being caught by Ms. Stoker, who notices their lunch bags, which dawns on the kids that oh crap, she knows. The two then stake out the restaurant that Mr. Lucre went to dinner with Ms. Stoker and then sneak into Ms. Stoker's car as she drives to her home, while listening to the soundtrack to Sweeney Todd. She might be a psychotic lunch lady, but her tase in musicals is c'est magnifique! They stakeout the place and soon find Ms. Stoker's basement filled with cages of animals and Jaws, who she's happily fattening. And he's happy to be fattened. But given the, you know, constant Hansel and Gretel comparisons the book's done, both Park and Stacey figure what's coming next. 

They spot a storm door and think that might be what they need to help Jaws escape. They break the padlock, but then get caught by Ms. Stoker. The two split up, but Stacey ends up falling down the storm door to the basement. She recovers and tells Jaws about everything, but we learn that Jaws doesn't consider himself kidnapped. He actually went with Ms. Stoker on his own volition because he was sick of the healthy food at his house. The basement has an entertainment center and Ms. Stoker keeps feeding him, so he's developed the quickest case of Stockholm Syndrome known to man. Stacey tells him about the missing animals and how it's connected, but he doesn't believe her. You... you know, maybe just LET him get eaten. Yeah, you'll have a guilty conscience, but he's clearly chosen death here.

The two reunite with Park and make a run for it, even if Jaws isn't too keen on losing his meal/to be a meal ticket. They manage to make it pretty far, but then see Ms. Stoker chasing after them with her car. But they manage to escape her and find their way home. The next day, Jaws manages to brag to everyone that he was lost in the forest, which makes him look like a hero and his parents were so thrilled they stopped feeding him diet food. Yeah you REALLY should have left him for dead. The pets begin to show up again and Ms. Stoker has left. But it doesn't take long for Park and Stacey to see in a newspaper that pets are suddenly missing in another town. 

This book was fine, but I do feel it's missing a beat or two to really make it feel scarier. I think it boils down to a rather tame finale. We get a lot of implications of what's going on with Ms. Stoker, but never a full confirmation, which I think is a clever way to do the horror, but also feels super lacking when you want a concrete answer one way or the other. We know she was kidnapping the pets but we never get the concrete proof she was using them for her food aside from the eyeball in the casserole. And I think that plays into why I'm mixed on this one. Gross cover aside, the story itself is far from as gross, feeling like it never gets too much of a chance to build to anything too freaky. Just the implications that the story gives you. And its conclusion with Ms. Stoker wraps up too quick for my tastes. But with that said, I think it still works in adding to the mystery as to what's really up with her.

The cast of characters are fine. Park and Stacey are the focuses, with them having to be the ones to solve the mystery of Ms. Stoker and save Jaws. Speaking of, Jaws sucks, but that's the point. He's a braggadocious loudmouth and an annoying prankster. So you don't feel too bad about the idea of him being killed off in the book, especially the freaking life of Riley he was having before that was to occur. Polly only exists to be part of the mystery of the missing pets, and Maria is our Superfluous Clay, mattering less and less as the story progresses. The staff of Grove Hill are interesting, presented as being monstrous without ever just being monsters, which I like. Gives them enough reason to exist as part of the mystery of the school. Ms. Stoker's an interesting villain, but again lacks a lot to her that would have made her memorable. She likes the soundtrack to Sweeney Todd. That's a thing.

So overall, this one was fine. Could have been a bit better in terms of using its horror and it ended way too quickly with one of the flatter climaxes to these Stine-likes, but for what it offered, I think it's as decent a first book in a series as you could ask for. It won't be very filling, but it'll hit the spot where you need it, I guess. Don't Eat the Mystery Meat! gets a C+.