Choice Words: Give Yourself Goosebumps #10: Diary of a Mad Mummy

It's time to unravel yet another Give Yourself Goosebumps book. And we got mummy madness this time around. Mummy books can be a real wild card with Goosebumps, especially the ones past the first two. And while I'm not expecting the insanity of something like The Mummy Walks, I'm hoping for a fun read. And giving this book focuses on a diary, then it's fitting, huh? Let's decipher the Diary of a Mad Mummy.

Oh that is one mad looking mummy alright. Mad in deranged and not in angry. Well, maybe a little angry. I actually like the spin of mummy mad scientist, which feels fresher an idea than it should be. But it's the little additions that make this one of the best Goosebumps covers. Giving the mummy glasses and wiry mad scientist hair to go with his bloodshot stare and freakish grin. Not gonna lie, this cover did freak me out when I was younger. Not Skeleton Picnic levels, but yeah. I also love that he's writing in an actual diary and not even looking at what he's writing. Just scribbling away. Add in the oozing vial in his hand and the messy lab table and you have an A-tier cover in my opinion. Another Mark Nagata great.

There are multiple good-ish endings, but we'll go for the longest endings and bring up the alternate outcomes here as usual. Also, unlike where we usually use "They/Them" to address the player, this book does use male pronouns at times to address the player so that's what we'll do here.

The player, his five year old sister Suzie, his fourteen year old brother Derek, and their parents are at the Pyramid Museum in San Francisco. Suzie is super excited to see the mummy on display, but the protagonist is weirded out by the look of the mummy. As everyone wanders around, the player finds something. It's an old diary of some kind. He reads it, and it's surprisingly in English. It's the diary of the mummy in the museum. He was mummified alive by people who thought the birthmark on his neck. Despite being, you know, mummified, the mummy's spirit continued to live on and, somehow, write into a diary where he reveals that he will soon awaken and walk the earth once more. Well, that's more walking mummy than The Mummy Walks gives us. 

The player, realizing the mummy writes his diary telepathically, holds on to the diary and is about to tell someone, but is told by his parents that they're going to leave with the tour group. So the player is met with two options: Come back at night, or return to the mummy now in case he makes his leave now. So let's see what we get into with both paths.

PATH #1: WORKING ON THE NIGHT MOVES

The player opts to wait until night to sneak back into the museum, which has some real shitty security. But, sure enough, the case holding the mummy is broken and the mummy has escaped. The player does see some mummy wrappings, which leads to a path, but we'll choose the other path or running when the player hears someone approaching. But it sure doesn't sound like a security guard since, I'm doubting this museum has any. Instead the player rushes back to the hotel. The player gets caught by Derek, but both of them notice new writing in the diary mentioning that the mummy is awake, but can't take over until he gets revenge on whoever stole the diary, the player. The player and Derek hear a noise outside their door and  what looks to be a wrapped hand. 

This can lead to a quick ending that's not a bad one, though definitely the most deflating. The path has the player either open the door a little or all the way. Opening it all the way has the player attack a room service waiter who injured his hand, hence the wrapping. Derek then cops to the diary thing being his idea from the beginning. He made it before they left to visit the museum. The player's relieved, but he still doesn't know what to make of the missing mummy. But he sees the next day that the FBI caught him, so that's pretty cut and dry. Reader beware, you're in for... the more interesting things happening off-camera. So let's see how the story changes if the player doesn't open the door all the way.

Because it turns out this path gives us the mummy who is just straight up strangling the protagonist, calling for his diary to be returned. Derek tries to fight the mummy and then their mother calls out for them to be quiet and, you know, not see what could be happening. This might be our laziest Goosebumps parents and that's saying a lot. Eventually the player and Derek have to decide to either give the mummy his diary or keep it. Two unique paths that can lead to happy endings, but we'll stick to holding on to the diary for now. The Mummy forces the player to either give him the diary or he'll take Suzie. As tempting as the latter option is, that's a bad ending, so no dice. And to ensure Derek doesn't follow, the mummy freezes him in place. The mummy then brings the player back to the museum and into the sarcophagus. Wait... he actually wrote it as sarcophagus? There was an attempt for once? I mean it's called Mummy Case in the next path but still PROGRESS!

Running is a bad idea so into the sarcophagus we go. But the player barters with the mummy, saying he can still bring the mummy back to life, which gives us our trivia path for the book, fittingly from The Mummy Returns, which is the magic words that brought Prince Khor Ru back to life. And they ain't Klaatu Barada Nikto. No they're Teki Kahru Teki Kahra Teki Khari. Though I do wish the other path was the dummy magic words so a twist ending could be Slappy attacking the protagonist or something. Ah well. The mummy places himself back into the sarcophagus as the player utters the magic words and eventually the mummy disappears. But in his wake are a bunch of gold and treasure for helping the mummy, named King Buthramaman. So the player ends the book much richer. 

So, what if you followed the scraping sounds of the mummy and NOT exited? Well, the player would eventually be caught and grabbed by the mummy, only for it to welcome him to the museum. Then two people, Brad and Sylvia reveal that this is actually Manny the Mummy, a robot publicity stunt for the museum. There are a couple other ambiguous endings in this path, but we'll get to them in the end. So what happens if we stayed at the museum from the get go?

PATH #2: WHAT'S FOR DESERT?

The player rushes to the nearby elevator and goes down to the basement of the museum. Only instead of, you know, an average basement, it looks like some kind of ancient tunnel. He continues down his path through a tunnel, but opts to either go back or go forward. And normally, going back would be the stock "You coward moron loser" path, but actually going forward leads to a bad ending, so backwards we go. See, we were actually supposed to take the steps instead, so that was a fun waste of time. The player exits the steps and finds himself in Egypt. Attempting to return the path he went, the player gets blocked by an Egyptian guard. The diary, which had English writing, is now in hieroglyphs. When the player is about to show the guard, a man in a jacket, glasses and straw hat shows up and "sounds American". Okay how bout we cut that shit out, Bob.

Either way, the player's choice is to not give the diary to either men and run away instead. The player checks the diary for some sort of answer and finds a circle with birds around a fire, or what could also be construed as a smiley face. It's not a smiley face, but indeed birds around a campfire. Wandering the desert, the player soon runs in the Sphinx, who is alive and growls at the player. As the player tries to figure out what's going on, suddenly he hears someone yelling "Cut" and realizes he's on a movie set for the latest Illinois Smith film. Probably called "Illinois Smith and the Perilous Parody Law". The player then finally realizes, quite stupidly, that the "diary" he's been holding all this time is actually a menu for a restaurant. So the player at least gets a good meal? I mean, that's a good enough ending? Sure. 

So, let's rank the bad endings. Fifteen in total. Plus a few endings that can be more considered ambiguous, either good or bad, so we'll tack them in as well. How can this sordid mummy misadventure go wrong? Let's wrap things up in a neat enough package and get rating.

#1. After being turned into mummies by Buthramaman and dragged atop Coit Building, the player and Derek knock the mummy off. But before they can celebrate, they start to turn into dust and blow away in the wind.

RATING: 3.5. I like this one. A solid screw-over to the player in the end that even doing everything right still screws you over.

#2. The player tries to run from being placed in the sarcophagus, but ends up getting his arm ripped off in the process.

RATING: 4.5 Now that's the classic dark GYG ending I was hoping for.

#3. The player chooses to let Buthramaman take Suzie, but Suzie turns the mummy back to normal. Now she and the mummy are famous celebrities and the player doesn't get jack shit.

RATING: 2.5. I mean you can't say it's not deserved.

#4. Now turned into a mummy, doctors discover a computer chip in the player's brain, which means that ancient Egyptians invented computers. However, the player can no longer communicate with others, can only write hieroglyphics, and thus can never go home.

RATING: 2.5. So mummies and computer chips aren't something Stine originated with The Mummy Walks.

#5. A pair of guards stow the player on a boat with intent to sell him. But with the now mummy boy rotting, the pair flip a coin to see if they should keep the mummy. The coin lands on tails, so into the shark-infested water he goes. 

RATING: 3.5. Like the other dissolving twist only a little darker given, you know, sharks.

#6. Heads is no better as the museum director decides to keep the player in a storage locker and keep him for exhibition.

RATING: 2. It's okay, but also mediocre. Paradox?

#7. After being found by Derek, the player is grounded by his parents for leaving Suzie on her own.

RATING: 2. More of a silly way to end which is fine.

#8. Placing the mummy's diary in his tomb, the player is brought back to San Francisco in the elevator. However, the mummy is there waiting and presumably kills the player. 

RATING: 2.5. Another solid screw over. This one's actually been one of the better at those.

#9. The player is left stranded in the desert by a pair of criminals who camel-jacked him,

RATING: 1.5. It's okay-ish, but compared to some of the other endings, it's the most forgettable.

#10. The player gets roofied by drinking blue lemonade and the book calls you a moron for thinking there's such a thing as blue lemonade. I mean, blue raspberry lemonade exists and... fuck, is this going to be the "no such thing as blue fruit" thing again?

RATING: 3. Solid moral, but again does Stine has a low knowledge of fruit and drinks?

#11. The player DOESN'T drink the lemonade, then discovers that the guy he's been talking to, the amazingly named Web Woobly, is an FBI agent and this was a test to get the player into their program. The player celebrates by drinking the lemonade and passing out because either way this kid's a moron.

RATING: 4. Now that's how you screw the reader over. It's so dumb that it works perfectly.

#12. Trying to sneak past a crocodile doesn't work and the player gets eaten.

RATING: 2.5. Dark but also pretty basic.

#13. Trying to outrun the crocodile and using Fruity Bites candy doesn't work. The player runs out and is presumably eaten by the croc.

RATING: 3. A better version of the previous one.

#14. Asking Illinois Smith about the diary turns out to be a waste of time as he just puts his autograph in the diary.

RATING: 1. Probably the weakest, but like, I get the player's a dumb kid, but did he think Illinois Smith was a real archaeologist? Does he know how movies work?

#15. The player falls into tar pits and is boiled alive, their corpse being preserved for future generations.

RATING: 4. Good detail in mentioning the oozing tar gives us one of the better dark scenarios. 

AMBIGUOUS #1. The player takes Buthramaman to a spa to make him more youthful. It works, but now the Mummy considers the player his friend and isn't going away any time soon.

RATING: 4. Fun for the spa stuff. 

AMBIGUOUS #2. Despite being swapped with Buthramaman, the player's mother realizes he's trapped in the mummy's body. Though it's not implied the player ever switches back, so it's an ending I guess.

RATING: 3. Kind of just... ends. 

AMBIGUOUS #3. The player gets their body back and Buthramaman returns to his sarcophagus. However a new entry is in the diary saying he'll escape again soon. Here we go again!

RATING: 2.5. Not bad, but also just feels like we're going in circles, and not like how these books usually make you go in circles.

BEST ALTERNATE ENDING: FAREWELL TO ARM

WORST ALTERNATE ENDING: TO MY DUMBEST FAN

This one was pretty good. And I think that comes mainly from having more fun with the concept given. Not just when it comes to mummy stuff, but also action in Egypt, some cave exploration, some body swap stuff and transformation. There's a lot more thought put into this one than with the ones I've covered so far, and thereby it makes for probably my favorite so far. My favorite path of the two is probably the first. Mainly in that it gives us more action with the mummy and with the diary. The second path gives us way more diary than any mad mummy. And the latter's best ending feels the most lackluster. If not for the player getting a good meal you could easily throw it into the bad endings category where it would have assuredly been the worst ending. Sometimes it's the most minor of additions that can save a twist and that was the case. And when it comes to an ending of treasure or a good meal, the treasure outcomes easily wins.

And the latter path kind of ends before it has a chance to do much with it. You travel the desert, decipher a picture, then boom, you're on a movie set and the story just finishes. Not to mention, AGAIN, the first bridging path has a better version of the sillier "it was all fake" ending. Though the first path does have the far weak "Mummy was beaten off-screen" ending, so it's by no means perfect, but still does a better job in terms of the adventure given. So, after I was let down with Purple Peanut Butter (again, sorry if you're reading these numerical and I maybe said something nice about Knight in Screaming Armor in the future after this blog) this was a strong pick me up. These books are best when they get the most out of them and you can feel the effort. And this had effort. A solid GYG worth unwrapping. Diary of a Mad Mummy gets a B+.