Scared Stiff

It's time to talk once again about Jahna N. Malcolm, the writing duo of Jahna Beecham and Malcolm Hillgartner. We've mostly just talked about their works with Ghosts of Fear Street (because everything ties back to Stine), but they also have quite a few kid horror books under their belt. And a year before Stine would bring Goosebumps to Scholastic, the company would rerelease several of their children's horror books under the title of Apple Chillers. Which sounds less like a horror story line and more like a delicious frozen treat. But these books featured reprints of titles by both Jahnna Malcolm and Betty Ren Wright to name a few. So, let's check one out in particular. It's time to be Scared Stiff.

Given this book was reprinted into a different line, I can actually cover both... erm... covers. The standalone and the Chillers editions. Starting with the standalone which I think is fine. Very much going for a more comedic take on the concept of a dead body rising, complete with silly kid expressions. A comedy horror vibe that feels almost close to what a Goosebumps cover would do, mix the silly with the supernatural. It's not bad.

And there's the Chillers version which is also great for its own reason. Although there are definitely no shades of gray with this one. No attempts at a funnier sting. The focus is entirely on a corpse rising. I like the use of shadows, the blue lighting in particular to give off this dark, freakish vibe. Even how bluish and grisly the corpse's skin is for that added zombie vibe. My favorite of the two.

Kelly Anderson's got a dead end life. As in she's living in a house filled with dead people. Her parents are morticians and the family lives above a funeral home. So no matter what she does, she's going to bump into a body. It's killed any chance at a social life since who wants to actually go into a funeral home? Like, maybe some goth kids? She even lost her friend Gretchen due to other kids, including a boy named David Ensign, about how it must be creepy being the child of an undertaker. It's not like that. It's more like being the child of Paul Bearer. Wait, that would mean you'd almost be burned to death by your Undertaker brother. So maybe that is worse. If I didn't make at least one wrestling reference you'd be shocked. I'm certain there will be more. She also has this weird foreboding feeling that something strange is going to happen. I hope so. Would be a pretty boring book if not.

But her twelve year old brother Chace loves living in a funeral home and thinks that corpses are cool. Often going into the preparation room to look around, or to give tours of a funeral home. Thus bringing us to the start of the story as Kelly's parents are leaving for a banquet filled with old people and potential customers. Which feels so weirdly creepy. Like they just go around to the oldest people and go "hey, you're probably going to die soon. Here's our card. Call us for your embalming needs unless you forget or... you know." Chace invites his friend Matt Avery over, who is about Kelly's age and is a seventh grade pain and is also interested in seeing a dead body.

So Mrs. Anderson leaves for the banquet, yet Mr. Anderson (...Anderson! I told you there'd be more than one wrestling reference here. I do not apologize.) is nowhere to be found. But it's still a night for Kelly, Chace and Matt to hang out in a house that may have an extra corpse laying around. Matt arrives just as the kids get a pizza thrown at them by the delivery boy who is also afraid to go to a funeral home. Matt wants to see a dead body from the embalming room, but the red light that indicates a body inside is turned off, meaning no corpse. After eating the pizza, Kelly hears the grandfather clock down in the funeral home going crazy. But when she goes to fix it, she notices that there is indeed a red light on. 

So now that there is a body inside, Matt and Chace want to check it out, though Kelly brings up a good point that is mainly here to be ignored. That by law only a licensed mortician is allowed in the embalming room, and even more importantly they don't know if that body is even intact, like if it got into an accident. Which, of course bringing that up makes the two more excited to check it out because while Kelly's smart, she isn't good at not hyping something. Kelly heads upstairs as the boys check things out. They indeed find the corpse of an old man with yellowed old man feet and a toe tag that says his name is J.L. Torbett. The pair check under the sheet and he just looks like an average old man in an orange jumpsuit. One that hasn't been operated on yet, which is weird since Mr. Anderson usually gets to work. You know, the same Mr. Anderson we haven't even seen yet. 

The kids check out the embalming fluids when suddenly they hear what sounds like a moan, but think it must be gas leaving the corpse. So like a ghost fart? Suddenly, they see the body of Torbett sit up from the operating table, which is enough for Chace and Matt to run off and find Kelly who also sees the not-so-corpsey corpse. The man talks to the kids and we learn the orange jumpsuit wasn't a fashion choice, it was his prison garb. Turns out he had been in jail for fifty years for a crime he didn't commit. So he finally managed to escape by, well, dying. All to enact his revenge on those that sentenced him to jail, including a Judge Michael Keedy, key witness Harlan Cody, and Clara Simpson, the last surviving member of the jurors who sentenced him. Now that he's out, he's ready to make sure he gets that revenge. I get the need for revenge, but wouldn't this make you a criminal if you, you know, killed someone? But, then again, fifty Oprahs-I MEAN fifty years. 

After a scuffle, Torbett makes his leave while the kids end up trapped in the embalming room. And since Gretchen is conveniently babysitting Mr. Keedy's grandkids, that may be his first place to visit. Kelly calls 911, but they don't believe her because... I mean it does sound farfetched that the corpse of a convict is out on the town ready to go on a killing spree. The kids manage to escape through a convenient hidden exit in the embalming room. I guess someone prepared for the off chance they'd be locked in. They try calling Gretchen's but the line is busy, Harlan Cody's name is nowhere to be found in the phone book, so they try Clara Simpson who seems a bit daft, but also doesn't believe them about J.L. Torbett being alive beca-No, wait, Torbett shows up and the line goes dead. Way to go dude, now I can't make the spiel again!

Kelly and the boys head out on their bikes to the Keedy house, but also think that Harlan Cody will be the next victim, so they head there first, only to get a shotgun pointed at them by the man himself. When they mention Torbett's escape, Harlan is impressed, given that he was a partner in crime to John Lewis Torbett. And while they did do some awful crimes, it wasn't Torbett who committed any murder, it was Cody, who framed Torbett for the whole thing. He almost ends up shooting the kids, but hits the ceiling instead. Suddenly Torbett shows up as the kids run for it. They hear two shotgun blasts and soon see the Torbett straight up got a chunk of his chest blown off. But he manages to get the gun and is still standing. So now Kelly, Chace and Matt have to worry about not just a zombie convict, but a zombie convict packing heat!

The kids try to get away in Matt's mother's boyfriend's truck, but it doesn't work very well and is pretty much pointless to use. But when Torbett disappears they decide to head to the Keedys. As they drive they realize that given Torbett didn't murder anyone and wants revenge, maybe he didn't kill either Clara Simpson or Harlan Cody, but he still has to be stopped. Though ironically if they get caught by the cops driving a truck with no license and being kids, they'll end up arrested. The system is crappy that way. They make it to Gretchen's and try to sneak inside but get caught by David Ensign, thinking them to be crooks. Gretchen catches them as well. The trio try to tell David and Gretchen what's up, but they don't b-And there's Torbett, now more corpse looking, complete with a torn up jaw and sores, looking like he's decaying more and more by the minute. So yeah, the two believe them now.

As the kids head to higher ground, they set up a trip wire that works as a makeshift slingshot to launch whatever they can at the zombie to slow it down. While the three main kids distract the corpse, it gives David, Gretchen and the two Keedy kids a chance to escape out of the conveniently placed emergency stairway. Gives us a quick moment for Gretchen and Kelly to patch things up and be friends again. That's nice... in the middle of a battle with a zombie convict, but you never know when the moment could come around again. Matt battles with the zombie and heads back to Kelly and Chace saying that Mr. Torbett is definitely dead now, which is a stupid thing to say given he was already dead.

They manage to subdue Torbett long enough to wrap him up in a pool tarp and lock him with in with some chains. So, they have a prone corpse, how do we get rid of it? Strap it to a cart and drive off in a tractor. As they drive, they note that it's been eerily quiet all night. Barely a sign of anyone that isn't a notable character in this story. One car does show up and in the swerving, the kids lose Torbett. But they're not as bothered since what damage could a tarped up zombie do, right? They head home and try to barricade the place, only for a now near-skeletal Torbett to show up and attack them again. They manage to turn on the furnace in the basement and eventually send Torbett inside, burning him up and ending this nightmare. 

Kelly, Chace and Matt breathe a sigh of relief when Mrs. Anderson shows up. But before they can explain what's gone on, Mr. Anderson shows up with another body on a gurney that came from the same prison as Torbett. So a "here we go again" twist, huh? Works enough.

I really liked this one. And I think the main reason why is that it's always moving forward. No fake out scares, no real wasted time. Even the slower bits all play to further the story. And it's a surprisingly gory book. Torbett's gruesome decomposition is one of the freakiest I've read for any of these books. And not just the fact he gets shot in the chest and we get details of it being a massive hole, but how the flesh falls and turns into large sores. A real gross description that really works. We also never know if Torbett actually killed Clara and Harlan. Did he truly get his revenge through murder? By his actions otherwise, it's safe to say he did. It's an open ending that's not as frustrating, but also feels like it needed to be addressed last minute. It's also a tricky thing. Would Torbett be justified? With Clara Simpson, maybe not. She was given what she was informed about. But Harlan did commit a murder and did frame Torbett, so maybe he actually deserved it? 

Our cast of three are all fine. Kelly is a solid enough lead while Chace kind of exists for the most part. Matt gets a lot of the action scenes and aside from one big idiot ball, seems the most competent. Gretchen exists for the big scene at the Keely house while David feels the most Superfluous Clay of them all. None of the characters are that deep, but they work well as avatars for this bizarre adventure. Scares work well enough, giving this real thriller vibe to the story that never lets up. Granted, we don't quite understand exactly how Torbett managed to become the living dead, but I'd guess he learned it somehow during his fifty years behind bars, managing to find a way to return from beyond the grave. To enact his revenge on one night. But given how rapidly he decayed, it always had a limit to it. So don't blow it. And I guess he got two out of three? 

So for our first Apple Chillers book, we end on a book I really liked that felt like a real horror story with enough thrills to work for a younger reader. Granted, it might be too grisly for some, but doesn't suffer from many of the trappings that Stine works suffer from, so that's points for Jahna N. Malcolm for certain. Shame my first Jahna N. Malcolm book was Don't Ever Get Sick at Granny's since this here proves that when given something to really work with, they can pull off a really fun kids horror book. Better than Stine in some ways. Aside from some minor cases of idiot ball, a very bland twist and way too many convenient exits, this is still a winner in my eyes and easily to recommend. Scared Stiff gets an A.