The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps HorrorLand #6: Who's Your Mummy?

We are six books deep into the HorrorLand saga, and after our last book was a rather rubbish new IP for Goosebumps, it's back to good old mummy action. We've had some good, some bad, some frigging amazing (The Mummy Walks), so what's in store? Find out with Who's Your Mummy?

COVER STORY

This cover is fine. I like the lighting, especially the glow bouncing off the mummy, and it does present a creepy scenario of a mummy who despite being from ancient Egypt, somehow managing to understand how to use a doorbell. As for the mummy itself, it's fine. A bit weirdly proportioned, but as I've stated before, I like my mummies showing some action than just staring straight. Another decent effort by Dorman.

STORY

Abby and Peter are two kids with a bit of a problem. They live with their Granny Vee, who as of recently has been sick. Like deathly sick. It's never explicitly said what's causing it, if it's a form of cancer or something else, just that her hair is graying and she's become frail and cold. Both Abby and Peter have shiny black hair, which normally wouldn't be important in a book to mention, but we'll get to why later. After the kids have an indoor water fight which sees Abby winning via a large spit of water, Granny Vee tells them that she has to go to the hospital for tests, and since she can't take care of them, she's sending them to a place in Vermont called Cranford to live with their uncle Jonathan.

The two kids arrive in Cranford, which is a very old timey village with horse drawn carriages and everything. They see what looks to be bats circling a house up the hill and ask a woman with a bluebird tattoo on her neck about it. She gets panicked, saying that nothing good comes from that house. She lives close by and hears the ungodly moans coming at night from the place. Which is bad for Abby and Peter, since that's Uncle Jonathan's place. Suddenly a carriage shows up and the woman makes a run for it. A man with black hair and a black mustache exits, wearing a dapper suit. He says he's Uncle Jonathan and he takes the kids to the house. They ask about the woman's warnings, but he just says that's Crazy Annie and she's always complaining about his dogs.

They arrive at Jonathan's house and the interior is almost like an Egyptian pyramid. Old Egyptian valuables and hieroglyphics strewn across the walls. Jonathan says that he's spent a good part of his life in Egypt and is a "bit of a collector". Peter is excited, hoping this might mean he'll see a real life mummy, to which Jonathan states that he'll surely be seeing one before this visit ends. Suddenly, a chubby woman named Sonja shows up and takes the kids to their rooms. And when I mean this place is like a pyramid, I mean dimly lit stone walls that require a torch and everything. Only, nobody drew Bart Simpson on the walls this time.

 As they pass by, Abby hears what sound like moans, making her think that maybe Crazy Annie wasn't kidding around. Abby enters her room and starts putting her clothes away when she gets splashed again with Peter's squirt gun. Put a pin on that gun too. They call Granny Vee and bring up Uncle Jonathan's interesting Egypt hobby, but Granny Vee is a little confused. As Abby tries to sleep, she sees what looks to be a shadowy figure near her, which suddenly grabs at her face. Sonja shows up in her room as we learn that it's just Cleopatra, their pet cat. Sonja then seems to be creepily eyeing Abby's hair before she runs off.

At dinner the next day, after regaling in his many adventures, Jonathan leads the kids to a temple he made in his house, where sure enough he has a mummy inside a sarcopha-oh right, this is Goosebumps so "mummy case". Inside is a mummy about the size of Peter named Kah-Ran-Tut, a former child ruler who ruled Egypt by four and had 2000 people killed by age seven. That night, Abby gets attacked by a bat in her room. She lets it out just as she sees a powerful looking man with a bald head, a scar on his forehead and a scowl on his face. The bats circle him and attack, sending him running off. She tries to tell Sonja, but Sonja just sends her back to bed.

The next day, after breakfast, Abby fixes her hair in the mirror, only to notice some of it appears to have been cut off. After being scared by Cleopatra again, she shoots the cat with her water gun. The Cat doesn't move until suddenly it starts to disintegrate into a pile of dust! Abby gets Peter, who actually is quick to believe her on the dust cat, and the two start to make  leave for it. But before they do, they stop at the private office of Uncle Jonathan.

They sneak inside and find plenty of "mummy cases", but more importantly they find another room attached with Uncle Jonathan inside. They see him with a mummy on some sort of operating table as he pulls out its guts, then suddenly starts to eat them. The kids make a run for it down the hill, only to be chased by the bats again. They manage to make it to the train station, only to run into the creepy bald man again. They run off, only to be saved by Crazy Annie, who offers to drive them away. However, t'was all a ruse. She just drops them back off to Jonathan and Sonja. Turns out she was working for them all along to gain the kids trust so they wouldn't escape.

Jonathan and Sonja bring the two kids to his office and finally tell them what's going on, and why specifically they need the kids hair. Jonathan, Annie and Sonja are actually ancient Egyptians who have managed to find the secret to ancient life, which involved the guts of ancient mummies. Now, of course after centuries, they'd be nothing but powder, but for some unexplained reason, it's a specific kind of black hair that preserves it, which means the kids are now going to spend the rest of their lives as hair mules. But before Sonja can shear Abby's hair, Peter manages to knock the wind out of Jonathan, causing enough of a distraction for the kids to start to make a run for it. However, they again bump into the bald man, who this time talks to the two, saying that he's their real Uncle Jonathan.

The impostor Uncle Jonathan reveals himself to be Tuttan-Rha, a two thousand year old Egyptian who learned of Abby and Peter by spying on Jonathan, who was showing off pictures of them to people. He had Sonja distract Jonathan, while he had the time to set up his ruse and lure the kids to his home. The kids and Jonathan make a run for it to Abby's room. They grab the water blasters, thinking that if Cleopatra was dusted after being splashed, then maybe that'll stop Sonja and Tuttan-Rha. However, the guns are empty. Tuttan-Rha and Sonja arrive just as they're scrambling in the bathroom. With no alternative, Abby fills her mouth with water and spits, like in the water fight earlier in the book. And sure enough, Tuttan-Rha starts to turn into dust, collapsing into powder. Annie and Sonja do the same. The kids and Uncle Jonathan celebrate when suddenly Abby gets grabbed by one of the mummies, who simply tells her "thank you".

TWIST ENDING

The kids return to Granny Vee's, who is still very sick. But they brought her home a present. Some of the mummy guts. They tell Granny Vee to eat it, and that afterwards she won't have to worry about being sick for a long time. So, did they betray the mummies and steal the guts, or was that leftovers that Tuttan-Rha already made? It's a happy ending I guess, so fine.

ENTER HORRORLAND

Recap: Britney Crosby and Molly Molloy were invited to HorrorLand. There they met Billy and Sheena Deep as well as Matt Daniels. Britney and Molly suddenly disappear. As the story progresses, the kids keep finding clues that show the pair on a fiery merry-go-round in a strange part of the park. They meet Carly Beth and Sabrina, who get separated from the group. After hearing from a pair of horrors about how the experience in HorrorLand is about to get scarier, they end up in Werewolf Village, locked inside with real wolves. They run into Robby Schwartz and manage to escape. Robby gets dragged into an arcade where he has to play a game starring his web comic villain Dr. Maniac. After being trapped in the game, he smashes his head. When he awakens, he sees Britney and Molly, but the two get confronted by Slappy, who tells them to pick up a strange token. Robby awakens back at the arcade with Carly Beth and Sabrina, and spots the token on the floor.

It's been four months since Abby and Peter's little mummy mishaps and sure enough, Granny Vee has recovered, looking better than ever. And just like the other kids, the pair have gotten free tickets to HorrorLand. Peter's still a bit frightened after the whole situation a few months ago, so only Abby goes. She arrives at the Stagger Inn and sleeps for the night. However, she has a particularly realistic dream where it feels like she's back at Tuttan-Rha's place as a "mummy case" is at the foot of her bed. It opens and a mummy pops out and grabs her as she tries to run. She wakes up, but despite thinking it to be a dream, she sees footprints and gauze in her room. Suddenly there's a knock at the door. But instead of a mummy, it's another boy Abby's age named Michael Munroe (Next book's protagonist). But nobody really calls him Michael, his friends call him Monster because he's so big and quick to anger.

The two kids head out to HorrorLand to visit the attractions, when Abby notices a game at the plaza called The Mummy's Tummy, which features an eight foot tall mummy with an open torso which kids reach into to pull out prizes. So, Abby's freaked out since this is all pretty close to home considering what happened with her and Peter. Despite wanting to leave this Egyptian-themed section of the Park, Michael drags Abby on to the A-Nile-Ator, a roller coaster with "mummy case" seats. It's a crazy ride that suddenly stops atop a loop. Abby thinks she's about to fall, but the safety bar pops up and saves her in time. The pair head back to the Stagger Inn just as they see two headless men singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy". Reader beware, you're in for Bobby McFerrin!

The two run into the horror named Byron, who mentions their full names and hands them a piece of paper saying "LEAVE HORRORLAND", but they chalk it up to being just another joke. They return to the inn, as Abby returns to her room, only to find yet another piece of paper, an invitation to the Vampire Cafe. She arrives and sits by all the other kids that have been invited to HorrorLand, save for Britney and Molly who are still missing. But sure enough there's Carly Beth, Sabrina, Matt Daniels, Billy and Sheena Deep, Robby Schwartz and Michael Munroe. They all bring up their situations for a nice recap as Robby mentions the Panic Park token he got from Britney and Molly in his dream. The cafe waitress steals it from them and they try to give chase, only to be brought to a meeting.

A horror named Ned arrives on stage, but refuses to answer any of the kids questions about what's going on in HorrorLand. Byron shows up again, but also won't answer any questions. Instead he hands each kid a token, which shows something related to their different stories. A Monster Blood token for Matt, a Haunted Mask token for Carly Beth, a pyramid token for Abby. Michael believes them to be tracking devices and suggests getting rid of them, but Carly Beth thinks it might be wiser to just keep them, since Byron seems to be on their side. The kids are brought to the Bat Barn, where Abby spots a piece of paper, advertising the Mirror Mansion. Before they can grasp what's happening, they all get attacked by bats.

CONCLUSION

It's funny. The further we got away from Gabe, the better the mummy books got. Not that Who's Your Mummy? is the greatest mummy book ever (Nothing shall beat The Mummy Walks), but for a brief 89 pages, it's better than expected. We don't waste too much time getting into the creepier details of the story, we do get some creepy scenes like the dissolving cat and the whole guts eating scene. There are small details that seem minor to the plot early on that actually matter by the end, including the water fight and the black hair. Even the twist ending is kind of messed up, but considering the situation Abby and Peter are in with their dying grandmother, you can see why they did what they did. A necessary act of evil.

That's why the HorrorLand section feels like it plays up Abby's paranoia over everything, almost guilt tripping her for her actions, but I doubt Stine put that much thought into it like I did. So in brief, this was a good one. It's short, everything flows fine, there are some decent scares, it has likable enough protagonists, some solid misdirects, everything you'd need for a Goosebumps book. Finally we have something in HorrorLand to break past the Bs. Who's Your Mummy? gets an A-.