Six HorrorLand books of the first storyline are down, now we only have six more to go. In the last book's HorrorLand section, we were introduced to Michael Munroe, who is called "Monster" by his friends. Why is he called that exactly? Maybe book #7 will shed some light on that subject. It's time to cover My Friends Call Me Monster.
COVER STORY
STORY
We open the book on a prologue as Michael "Monster" Munroe and his friends Daisy Edwards and DeWayne Walker are inside the kitchen of their teacher Mrs. Hardesty. They snuck into her house in order to prank her by leaving a black cat inside, since Mrs. Hardesty is wildly superstitious. Michael is nicknamed Monster by everyone because he's a big kid for his age and is known to have a rather bad temper. And with Mrs. Hardesty being on his case ever since she arrived to Adams Middle School, he figured some payback was in order. The kids head into her basement to let the cat out, when they hear a noise. Something is in the basement with them. They make a run for it, but Michael drops his cell phone in the process.
And now it's time to flash backwards two whole weeks. Mrs. Hardesty is teaching the kids about the Loch Ness Monster. The kids aren't too interested to be in a class about monsters, which honestly seems like the stupidest bunch of children I've ever seen. Mrs. Hardesty is a very bird-like woman with beady eyes, a beak like nose and feathery blonde hair. Normally I just throw a random pic for a close enough reference to things, but I seriously think she might be the Chicken Lady from Kids In The Hall. She also seems to have issues with Michael in particular. Doesn't help that Michael, a mechanical genius apparently, rigged the blinds in her class to open whenever he blows a whistle. But, eventually the whistle slips out of his hand and Mrs. Hardesty catches him in the act.
She has Michael in detention, to which he still decides to act like a smartass to her, which causes Daisy and DeWayne to laugh outside the classroom. This of course means that now they're in trouble too. Mrs. Hardesty gives the three an ultimatum: spend two weeks detention, or do some community service for her on Saturday. Suddenly, the new principal, a man named Mr. Wong, who Michael describes as looking rather frog-like and always wearing pinstripe suits, shows up and says that maybe Mrs. Hardesty is being too harsh on the kids. Regardless, they're still going to do her community service.
The community service winds up being cleaning her dumpster to find any cans or bottles. The kids end up getting messy, and even stepping on a dead raccoon, which seems to garner no reaction at all. Hell, that would be grounds for a chapter cliffhanger in the olden days. Michael is particularly pissed and pretty much wants to go full Ken Patera and heave a garbage bag through Mrs. Hardesty's window like it was a boulder at a McDonald's. The kids eventually leave the dumpster and are given chocolate bars by Mr. Wong as a form of compensation. Regardless, the kids are pissed and want revenge, despite the fact that them being rotten brats to Mrs. Hardesty is what got them spending Saturday in a dumpster. Don't hate the game, hate yourself, kids.
And that flash forwards us to two weeks later with the kids sneaking into Mrs. Hardesty's house. They initially plan to put the cat in the basement, but go to the attic instead, because sure, waste more time until she comes home. And sure enough, it doesn't take long for Mrs. Hardesty to come home, with Michael, Daisy, DeWayne and the cat now stuck. Mrs. Hardesty enters the attic and Michael sees her pull a sheet off of what looks to be a six foot tall green egg. So she IS the chicken lady! She sits atop the egg and eventually passes out, giving the kids enough time to escape. The three kids have no idea what's up with Mrs. Hardesty, or the egg, but are rational enough to realize that nobody will believe them, not even Mr. Wong, who's been cool with them this entire book. The next day at school, Mrs. Hardesty tells Michael about the black cat and tries to pressure him into saying it was his doing. Michael keeps his poker face, but now realizes that if he can't get anyone to help him with the egg, he's going to have to go back to her house to find out for himself just what's inside.
So, Michael by himself returns to Mrs. Hardesty's attic since she left the backdoor open again, which makes me wonder if this Goosebumps universe ever heard of keys. Like, this was the case too with Monster Blood For Breakfast where Bradley just was able to come into the house at seemingly any time. Regardless, Mrs. Hardesty eventually returns and sits on the egg again, only this time it hatches, releasing a green, reptilian creature the size of a labrador retriever, which she coos and cleans with a towel. She leads it downstairs to the basement with Michael following. It's there he sees dozens of reptile aliens. She tells them that soon there will be more of them then there will be humans. She promised Commander Xannx that she'll be successful in taking over the Earth. In other words... Boom! Not... really all that secret aliens... bitches?
Mrs. Hardesty, or as she's really known, Hyborg-Xrxuz, wants her babies to lay eggs, which she plans to feed to the earthlings, which isn't defined as to why just yet. Michael, now past the point of thinking no one will believe him, runs home to tell his parents, but, you know, Goosebumps parents. So, he figures that maybe if he takes some pictures, he'll have proof. He sneaks to her house again the next day, but gets confronted by one of the lizard creatures. The creature doesn't see him, it's too busy cooking eggs. It's not long until he sees that after the creature eats the egg, it turns back into Mrs. Hardesty, meaning that the eggs turn people into the alien creatures as well. Unfortunately for Michael, this time he gets caught by Mrs. Hardesty, who forces him into her kitchen and forces the eggs upon him. He takes two bites and suddenly feels strange. His entire body morphs into one of the lizard monsters. Mrs. Hardesty then drags him into the basement and locks him in with the other creatures.
Before he can be attacked by the lizards, DeWayne and Daisy show up. Michael manages to get them to recognize him and the three try to exit. Finding some remains of an egg in the kitchen, Michael eats it, only for his head to change while his body remains lizard like. They figure that maybe Mr. Wong can help and head there, only to see the lizard monsters are giving chase to them. They manage to make it into his house, only to see Mr. Wong is also sitting on a giant egg twice as big as Mrs. Hardesty's. Turns out that Mr. Wong was Commander Xannx. Mrs. Hardesty arrives and it looks like the kids are screwed, when suddenly the egg hatches and Mr. Wong falls into the egg yolk. Hardesty tries to pull him out, but they both fall inside and apparently die. Well that happened. The aliens eat the yolk, then melt into liquid. Michael also decides to eat the yolk, which turns him back to normal. Wow, what a conveniently simple conclusion!
TWIST ENDING
The next day, Michael is eating dinner, particularly the cake, which his mother then tells him was given to her by Mrs. Hardesty, made by her own eggs! So I guess Michael turns monster again? But that doesn't matter because it's time to...
ENTER HORRORLAND
Recap: A group of kids all got invitations to HorrorLand. This included Britney Crosby and Molly Molloy, who disappeared. The other kids each end up meeting with one another, each bringing up the crazy situations they've been in which have all seemingly tied to their own traumatic situations. And through their trials and tribulations at the park, they seem to be coming to the realization that this all appears to tie into a Horror named Byron, and a hidden area of HorrorLand called Panic Park. The kids all get tokens which represent their different adventures outside HorrorLand, and are brought to the Bat Barn, where they end up being attacked by bats.
As the kids are still being attacked by bats, Michael brings up that he managed to save himself and his parents by eating what was left of the Mr. Wong yolk, so that's pretty convenient. It also kind of brings up a major flaw with the HorrorLand series, but I'll bring that up when I review Enter HorrorLand on its own. Michael takes the whistle from earlier in the book and uses it to send the bats back to the rafters. After escaping the barn, Michael makes assumptions about Byron, if he lured them into a trap and if the tokens are really tracking devices. This leads to Matt arguing with him and the two start wrestling with one another. Good old masculinity, amirite?
The kids stop when they notice the monster police are running towards them. The kids return to the Stagger Inn and recap everything that's happened once more. In this, they realize that the park seems to lack any mirrors, which is weird considering when Matt, Billy and Sheena ran into one, it had strange liquid properties. Michael sets off on his own to find a mirror in the park, but has no luck. He finds an off-limits building and heads inside, since even HorrorLand doesn't know what a lock is. He makes his way down into a tunnel where there are no signs of humans or horrors. But plenty of robots. Michael figures this must be where the park controls are. But before he can investigate further, he gets caught by an eight foot tall horror. Michael says he was just lost, and the Horror sends him back outside.
The kids meet up again at the Stagger Inn as Abby and Robby mention being almost sucked in by tokens, which Michael figures means that the shiny tokens can act like mirrors. But since the kids all have scuffed tokens, they can't use those. Michael's next plan is to search Panic Park online, but there's no internet in HorrorLand. But Michael figures that if they go back in the control building, he can use the internet there. The kids return, only to see the door is actually locked this time. Hey, someone's learning! But Matt still has his key card that opens all doors and they enter. And sure enough, there's Wi-fi. They look up HorrorLand, which they learn was made by a man named Kit Katzman (Gimme a break!) in the 1970s, which soon was populated with creatures known as Horrors. As for Panic Park, it was made in the 1950s by a man named Karloff Mennis. The most popular attraction being the Wheel of Fire, the carousel that the kids saw Britney and Molly on. They also find a blog by a pair of kids named Luke and Lizzy. However, before they can read on, sirens wail as they've been caught.
They run as more MPs are after them, only to end up in a strange science lab filled with cages containing strange gorilla-like monsters. Michael figures that if they free some of the gorillas, they can distract the MPs while they make a break for it. It works and the kids run through the tunnels back out to the park. They realize that the only exit from the park is in a place called Good-Bye Land. Michael jumps the hedge, but immediately gets caught by two more horrors named Clem and Benson. Michael tries to fight them, but gets saved by another unnamed horror. The horror pulls out a small mirror and tells Michael to head inside. Michael does so, and ends up in a different park. He's in Panic Park, but has no idea what to do next.
CONCLUSION
My Friends Call Me Monster is probably the first book in HorrorLand that I feel Stine put the most thought into. There's definitely a really compelling story to this one what with the giant eggs and the alien invasion plot. Even the idea of having Michael become one of the monsters is a great idea, which we don't get enough of in Goosebumps (aside from the occasional werewolf transformation of "they were monsters the whole time" angle). But that in itself shows the biggest the problem with this book. It is super rushed. The monster Michael stuff leaves no impact, the alien invasion stuff never gets to any major point, and the big Mr. Wong reveal as Commander Xannx never plays into any importance because he dies almost immediately along with Mrs. Hardesty and the aliens. So there's never any real tension in the final act because it just ends, and after a book with a decent enough first act, that's a shame. Also the twist, which is supposed to be a big shocker, ends up not mattering because Michael has to be human in HorrorLand.
So what that leaves us is a story that honestly feels like a better take on Egg Monsters From Mars. I mean, it's egg related, alien related, feels like it has bigger stakes, and most importantly, a child isn't impregnated by an alien rape blanket, then lays an egg at the end. It does instead have a rather bratty kid with a rage problem constantly sneak into people's houses to get revenge on teachers for being punished for being a prankster brat. Michael takes a bit to warm up to, but he doesn't come off too good early on, nor does his friends. But, I guess Stine needed to have a reason for them to sneak into her house and that works I guess. In conclusion, I think this book is fine with one of the better premises HorrorLand has offered, but falls apart at the end with one of the most rushed conclusions I've seen in a while. In other words, this book started hard boiled, but ended up over easy. My Friends Call Me Monster gets a B.
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