The Stinal Countdown: The Goosebumps Haunted Library

So, we've covered every mainline Goosebumps single narrative story in some form and fashion here on this blog. That's what I always think at least because I then get reminded that "Oh right. There's still the Haunted Library". And if you think Screams in the Night feels like the most obscure Goosebumps story item, then this is probably a close second. Because at the very least, the Haunted Library books were far easier to find, at least when they first released in 1996. 

So, what is the Goosebumps Haunted Library? Well in 1996, the peak year of the Goosebumps mania, Goosebumps ran a promotion with Hershey, Doritos and Pepsi that featured a "haunted library" box that contained three brand new short Goosebumps tales by R.L. Stine. With UPC codes and mail-in delivery you would receive the box and the stories, or could find the stories within specially marked Frito-Lay, Pepsi or Hershey products. These three stories are Bad Dog, Don't Make Me Laugh, and The Halloween Game. And these are REALLY short stories. As in about 20 pages, but given each page is generally tiny, it doesn't exactly mean the lengthiest item ever. But how do they fare? Are they decent short stories? More importantly, are they decent Goosebumps stories? Let's find out.

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH

Josh and Luke love to tickle people. Particularly other kids, and particularly against their will. So, in other words, absolute cause for fucking concern right there. After tickling two kids until they run off, Josh and Luke then get confronted by a two-foot tall alien with a purple onion head, silver overalls and purple hands and feet. Seemingly not of the purple people eater persuasion. The two try to run, but more aliens show up. They grab the boys and drag them into their space ship. Boy, this has just been "bad touch" the short story, huh? Luke and Josh are then greeted by the ship's captain, Crog, who tells the boys that they have a special power to make others laugh, which is important because their planet is in desperate need of laughter. Namely in making their leaders, Klandor III and his queen, Klandora, laugh.

The boys are taken to Klandor and Klandora. They try to tickle them, but that doesn't work. They try funny faces, but that also doesn't pan out. Feeling Luke and Josh are failures, Klandor sends the boys to be disintegrated. The boys panic and start to cry, which causes Klandor and Klandora to laugh uncontrollably. So the day is saved, right?

TWIST ENDING: Actually no, because Klandor and Klandora realize that the reason their species doesn't laugh is because laughter is painful to them, so they send the boys to be disintegrated anyway.

CONCLUSION: Of the three, this is by far the weakest. It has a neat premise though and I like the overall twist. That this alien race has been going for millions of years without laughing and just up and forgot the consequences. They're also neat alien concepts. Onion people with mouths. I will say the setup of the plot with a pair of kids who really love to tickle people borders a bit on the "wait what the fuck" territory, but it works to give us a reason for the story to work in the first place. I also think of "I Started a Joke" by the Bee Gees. The boys started to cry which started the whole world laughing. And ultimately they didn't see that the joke was on them. Reader Beware, I'm referencing the oldies. B-.

BAD DOG

Cathy and her younger brother Sean are crossing the graveyard after school when they get stopped by a rather vicious looking dog with a swollen yellow eye. It growls at the two when their friends Judy and Martin show up. This gives the siblings a chance to make a run for it. Later that night, Sean goes biking, but the dog shows up and corners him in the garage. Cathy grabs the dog by the collar and just throws him out of the garage, which I'm sure the don't won't remember and be really pissed about. Also Judy and Martin are still around and still staring at the siblings. 

The next day, Cathy and Sean walk through the graveyard again and the dog shows up, again growling at the siblings. Judy and Martin show up again, then run off. Cathy's concerned about all of this, but still drags the dog into the woods and the siblings run to school. After school finishes, the dog is there again, growling at them. Judy is there as well and tells the siblings that dogs always know. Dogs can sense the dead. Hey, a Stine trope I actually like. Nice! 

TWIST ENDING:  And Cathy and Sean are definitely dead. They admit that they're ghosts, but ask why Judy and Martin never did anything, to which they reveal that, get this, they're ghosts too! And I guess that even though they're ghosts, they still go to school like regular kids, for some reason. Look this is like a few scant pages but it's definitely lost the plot. Anyway, Cathy sends her ghost cat Fluff to scare off the dog because dogs hate ghost cats.

CONCLUSION: I'm kind of convinced that Stine actually wrote this one. Why? Because it does seem to use one of his more notable early tropes from Goosebumps. In that dogs can sense ghosts or the undead. And I do like the double whammy of everyone but the dog being a ghost. Of course, that raises the question of why Cathy can grab the dog's collar. But given Hannah had a bunch of inconsistent powers in The Ghost Next Door, I can chalk it up to "eh, it's not a dealbreaker". I also wonder if the school even knows that they're ghosts or can they even see them. I do think a longer take on this short story would unravel it terribly, but I do think it still needed a little more tidying up that a longer write would provide. Still, this was good. B+. 

THE HALLOWEEN GAME

Our protagonist Robby, is out on Halloween with their friends Krista (dressed as a fairy) and Carl (dressed as a skeleton). Robby is a chimp. The kids stop at the front door of their classmate, a rather weird boy named Miles, who offers the kids a chance to play a Halloween Game. His Aunt Freeda's house looks just like his house and is filled with candy. The three are to collect as much candy as possible and return within a half hour. One with the most candy wins. Robby and his friends arrive at Aunt Freeda's when suddenly, a black panther shows up and chases the kids. Carl trips and injures his arm. Robby and Krista try to help, but ultimately leave him to the panther as they are compelled to continue the game.

Robby and Krista then notice that all of the houses look like Miles' house, so it's impossible to tell which one belongs to Aunt Freeda. As they try for one of the houses, they see a flash of fire and are attacked by a giant dragon. Krista gets grabbed and Robby tries to save her with a conveniently placed sword in a nearby tree trunk. However, the sword is cheap junk and breaks. Robby watches as the dragon leaves with Krista. He then sees one of the houses open its door. Inside as more kids with candy bags, searching for candy. Robby heads upstairs to the bedroom and finds some candy, but also a trio of grinning ghouls. But before they attack him, everyone freezes, Robby. 

TWIST ENDING: We then cut to an office building as a man with blond hair and an earring is showing off his game to some men in suits. He mentions a 64-bit version of the game and a CD-Rom. One of the businessmen is impressed, even liking the subtle attempt at butt-kissing by naming the protagonists after the businessman's kids. However, they turn down the man's Halloween video game, saying kids won't find it scary.

CONCLUSION: The best of the three, mainly in that it feels like the type of story that could benefit from a longer version, but also doesn't need a longer version. A paradox that's worth having, I guess. It tells its story in a more focused manner, while also allowing itself to feel like everything is just a video game and Robby isn't aware of it. Though the random sword and dragon scene do make it feel like even if you didn't get to the twist yet, you'd probably have guessed what's going on here. There's also that whole "kids don't get scared to this stuff" meta humor that Stine tries, and this is one of his better attempts at poking holes in Goosebumps. So by extension, being a game world with dragons and magic and stuff, it's by proxy a better version of Be Afraid—Be Very Afraid! Sure there's no magic card decks, stelks or Mr. Zarwid, but honestly, that's all points in its favor. A-.

The Haunted Library is a decent little collection of mini stories. For a fun little cross-promotion it does the trick. Though thankfully they didn't make the focus on the food products they're hocking. Cathy and Sean don't partake in a Pepsi, or Robby and the kids don't eat Hershey bars (though there are candy bars in general mentioned). And the Halloween Game's narrative at least makes sense that this game designer wouldn't be adding sponsored products even in a prototype. They're quick reads that you'll buzz through in like two or three minutes and not totally feel like you've wasted your time. 

I am curious if these were wholly original stories for the promotion or short stories initially intended for the Tales to Give You Goosebumps books but Stine couldn't pad them to about 13 regular pages. Could any of them worked as episodes? Maybe The Halloween Game. Sure, you'd likely have to replace the dragon, but otherwise the plot, down to its twist could still work for an episode. But we ultimately only got these three short stories. There, of course, was no follow-up promotion the year after. Which given the beginning of the downturn in profit for the series, does at least make sense. But I would have liked to have seen more, since I do think Stine's strength is usually short stories. But for what we got, they did the trick. Now I want a Pepsi, Hershey bar and a bag of Ruffles. So, maybe it worked? Or maybe I'm just a fatass, that'd do it. The Haunted Library as a whole gets a B+.

RANKING:

#1. The Halloween Game
#2. Bad Dog
#3. Don't Make Me Laugh!