NNtG: Deadtime Stories #15: Cyber Scare

It's time to take another trip down the series of tubes that is Deadtime Stories. It is the year 1997 and the internet is still a bizarre wild west, rife for new ideas when it comes to horror given that most people still didn't know much about the internet or computers to really get what they can do. But the pandora's box that is the internet can still give us some imaginative ideas. Is this edition one of them, or worth putting in a spam folder? Reader beware, it's a Cyber Scare!

This cover is decent. Not exactly one I'd call incredible, but it does what it needs to to sell you on this book involving computers and monsters. We get our fair share of mummies on these covers and this one is fine. Though I really do like how wrapping looks all stringy, like it's barely holding together. Adds that right amount of realism needed, I guess. Another solid effort from Broeck Steadman.

We open this book with Roy Watson and his cousin, Danny Cassaro, suffocating from the stench of their other cousin Ernest who is farting in the car. I'm already dreading this book and I'm two pages in. Academy record? Roy and Danny are driving with Ernest's parents Al and Louise who just left a wedding for Roy, Danny and Ernest's uncle Tony. After a discussion over eating scungilli to hammer home that this is an Italian family (a few years too early to get into the gabbagool phase), the group head back to Roy's place, only to learn that Danny and Roy have to also deal with more of Ernest since he's staying over. Roy's mom suggested it apparently, to which Roy considers committing matricide over it. 

But too bad, Ernest's not going anywhere. And Roy's parents are asleep so he can't complain just yet. Another concern is Ernest being in Roy's room and making a mess of things. We learn that Roy is super rich, with a room filled with all the 90s tech you could ask for like CRT TVs and VCRs and of course 90s era computers. Because Mr. Watson works at a computer store, and this being the 90s so computer stores still exist, Roy has access to all the new CD-Rom games and high-end 1990s computer equipment. Of course all this high-end tech and a chaotic individual like Ernest don't mix well, so Roy tells Danny to shut off the computer by turning it off via the power strip instead of a manual shutdown. Because I guess given the amount of money he has, Roy doesn't have to worry about frying his PC if he can get another. Been a while since we got some peak Rich and White. 

But before Danny shuts off the computer, he notices that Roy got an email from some guy named Vlad that Roy met on a chat room, which in 1997 didn't completely mean talking with a pedophile, just like maybe an 87% chance. Vlad sent an email to Roy inviting him to his castle, with the password of NOSFERATU. Danny is super excited, but Roy thinks this is just asking for trouble, since Vlad seems a bit off his rocker, thinking he's a vampire. As Ernest starts messing with things and Danny types in the password, a strange mist emits from the computer and covers Ernest, seemingly vaporizing him. Well, one problem solved? I mean his parents will wonder what happened, but you could just say he ran away and maybe died. Might solve it.

But as the two boys ponder about what to do, organ music plays from the computer speakers, and announcement that the Monster Mash will begin in a minute. Whether it will be a graveyard smash or not is still to be determined. The computer shows the image of a castle and a drawbridge over a moat. And standing on the moat, confused as hell, is Ernest. He can see and communicate with them as from his perspective, Danny and Roy are giant heads in the sky. He also has a toolbar much like most video games which includes a health bar which, when depleted, likely means Ernest is dead. Also Ernest can't move on his own, he needs Roy and Danny to do so. Roy ends up accidentally moving Ernest into the moat where a giant crocodile is about to eat him. The boys press escape, which turns the screen off, but Ernest is still being attacked by the crocodile as unfortunately for the boys, the only way to end this is to defeat Vlad. 

Roy and Danny return to the game and see that Ernest's health bar (represented via a thermometer) is dropped to under 90%. They manage to learn how to make Ernest jump and finally get him out of the moat otherwise this would be the horror game equivalent of Dragon's Lair on NES. Ernest gets caught in quicksand and manages to get himself out, but he still can't move normally without either Roy or Danny controlling him. Eventually they get him to the door where in the center is a gargoyle with a ring and a scroll. The gargoyle comes to life and tells Ernest that for him to enter the Monster Mash, he has to find the key in the graveyard. Oh great, it's a collect-a-thon. They get the scroll, which is conveniently the game map. Zombie Zoo, Werewolf Woods, Mummy Marsh, Coroner's Corners, Cryptic Creek, Bugglebug Bayou, Mutant Mound and Flesh Alley. Guess they ran out of creepy alliterations. 

The graveyard Ernest has to encounter is called Dem Bones, but before he begins his trek, more smoke clouds Roy's room and Ernest gets grabbed by an old G-word woman named Magda. She tells Ernest that it's dangerous to go alone (or under the control of two kids), and shows him a boomerang that he needs to buy for 50 ruples, the in-game currency. He hasn't any ruples, so Magda sends him to the Chop Shop at Bloody Creek and meet a man named Igor. Oh great, it's a fetch quest. Despite Ernest not wanting to go to a Chop Shop at Bloody Creek, Roy and Danny send them there regardless. It's called Bloody Creek because the blood comes out of the mill, which is also the chop shop. So yeah, nice refreshing blood and guts. They send Ernest to the shop, but he refuses and the boys can't control him fully. So he has more bodily autonomy than the boys thought, though it seems to mostly come from when he's scared. That, or the game just has ass controls.

But, Ernest is sent into the Chop Shop and inside is quite a sight as it's full of hacked up body parts. Also literal flesh suits of children. Okay, this book took a while but WHAT IN THE ED GEIN FUCK IS THIS? Also there are furry skins as well of a wolf and a sheep. Heh, wolf in sheep's clothing. This book was released in 1997 so I doubt this inspired Werewolf Skin in any way. Igor introduces himself. Ernest asks for 50 ruples, but it turns out that to get 50 ruples, Igor's going to need to take one of Ernest's kidneys. Excuse me, did I suddenly walk into a fucking Shivers book? I went into this book expecting computer silliness and now we have the discussion of child mutilation. In other words, this book's kind of working all of a sudden. But thankfully Ernest is still wearing his tuxedo from the wedding and on his wrists are gold cufflinks, which Igor will gladly take instead of gutting a child. 

100 ruples and a magic bag later, Ernest returns to Magda and gets the boomerang. She makes another fog, which she removes for 5 more ruples because even in 1997 there's microtransactions. Ernest arrives in Dem Bones, only to get attacked by a skeleton rising from the ground. Ernest uses the boomerang and defeats the skeletons, then uses it on a giant skeleton which has the key. After that, Ernest throws the boomerang to see how far it goes, then it returns and knocks him out. Because video game or not, this kid is a dumbass. But he's still alive, even as the health thermometer continues to drop. This causes a bunch of goblin-like creatures to emerge and capture Ernest just as the computer screen goes black again. But Roy and Danny can hear sounds and can also smell garlic of some sort, or scungilli, so maybe Ernest is still alive. 

Roy and Danny finally get the picture back and see that Ernest is trapped in a kitchen inside a tree and the creatures are trolls with the intent of eating him. Oh and like the Keebler Elves, they make cookies. Or at least one cookie of a charred up human boy dressed like a gingerbread man. This book's kinda fucking psycho, not gonna lie. But that's not Ernest's fate. Much like a usually very racist old cartoon, Ernest is to be cooked alive in a giant stew pot. He uses the boomerang, but that's not effective. The magic wand of the gutlands is effective. Oh, and also farting, which is what Ernest does to defeat the trolls. Because despite all the gore and havoc, this is still a kid's book so farts ahoy! Ernest goes to leave but smells something cooking. No, not the people being burned alive, but these tasty little garlic pizzas that I'm sure in no way will be important in defeating a vampire or anything. 

Ernest exits the tree, only to step on a mine and die. Well that was a quick book... is what I would say but Ernest has two lives left. Kinda kills the whole tension of the thermometer earlier if we were going to learn he's got extra lives. Ernest recovers and takes a bomb with him because you never know when that will come in handy. With the key they needed, Roy and Danny take Ernest back to the castle where we can finally enter The Castle of Death after like 84 pages of getting to it. Still about 50+ pages so we can at least have some fun in the castle. Inside, Ernest gets attacked by bats, two of which enter into the real world. After Roy and Danny defeat them, they then have Ernest use the pizzas to knock out the vampire bats. Hey, what do you know, they WERE useful. Imagine that.

The next room is a dining room filled with corpses that come to life. Or more so just spew out millions of maggots. Hope you didn't eat before reading this. Ernest tries to use salt on the maggots, because he mistakes them for slugs, but it's all for naught because the salt shaker is full of maggots. The walls are full of maggots. Roy's room fills up with maggots. Everything is full of maggots. Oops! All maggots! You know if the book's twist was just that Uncle Tony laced the scungilli with LSD and this whole thing was the three kids on a trip, I'd believe it. They have Ernest grab a candle, which is surprisingly NOT made of maggots and throws it at the bugs, burning them up. Now that that's out of the way, they have Ernest grab a bottle of poison, but because they're all still arguing, Ernest ends up stepping on the bottle. 

The next room is the kitchen, which is normal looking save for the dead chickens dangling on chains. I mean, yeah, gruesome, but I mean this came after the Chop Shop. Though now the song Chicken Huntin' is in my head. Thanks, book. Suddenly the room fills up with rats. But before we just redo the maggot stuff again, they have Ernest drop the bomb which destroys the rats. That was easy. Too bad doing so also destroyed the floor and it sends Ernest plummeting. So now Ernest is in the basement while Roy and Danny bicker over whose fault this is. Also he doesn't have the candle because they didn't pick it back up, so now Ernest is in the dark as well. Suddenly, a hunchback named Rubrickt shows up and tells Ernest he's in the loser's pit, but he'll help him escape with his Life-Force Chamber, which I think is called a Salamander Chamber in Japan. Is that my most dated reference? I'll leave that up to you.

But to Ernest, Roy and Danny's shock, the life force chamber was a misnomer of sorts. It's walled up with zombie-like kids with tubes in their necks where they were clearly bitten. It's a life-force chamber as their life-force feeds Vlad. This book might be the most "slow-pace leads to fucked up moment"-filled book I've read for the blog. But I guess Rubrickt just lets Ernest go up the stairs to find the secret room with the weapon needed to defeat Vlad. Oh, and a vial of blood as well. Though he says it'll be fruitless and that Ernest, Roy and Danny will be hooked to the machine very soon. Ernest enters the secret room and everything goes dark, even in Roy's room. But they soon see that something is emerging from the computer. A mummy. Hey, the cover didn't lie. Though it says from the hard drive not the computer screen, which I gotta admit seeing a six-foot tall mummy just squeeze out of a hard drive would be silly. Horrifying, but silly. Thankfully all you have to do to kill a mummy is unravel it, so that amounted to very little.

But the boys find the final item, both in the game and in real life. A silver stake and a hammer. Next up is fighting a bunch of living suits of armor, one of which full on decapitates Ernest. But one life left, so we're not done yet. Also the screen says that they could send another player in, but neither Danny nor Roy are planning on doing just that. But with one life left and the armors defeated, we finally make it to Vlad's room for the final showdown. He finds Vlad's coffin and is ready to use the stake, but there's nobody inside. Instead, Vlad emerges first as a bat, then his normal vampire form. Ernest pretty much goes "fuck this" and is about to jump out the castle window, which would be game over. Okay, killer ending but I get it.

But before he does, Vlad grabs him and bites his neck which not only affects Ernest, but Roy and Danny as well. Thankfully for Ernest, he drinks the extra blood, bringing everyone back to normal. However, Vlad seems to gag and recoil. Turns out that the garlic pizza finally got to him. Ernest runs to the window and instead of leaping out, he pulls the curtain, unveiling the sunlight that destroys Vlad instantly. And sure enough, it brings Ernest back to the real world. They see the computer screen saying that they completed the Castle of Death.

However, when the boys leave Roy's room, they see a cavernous hallway. They then hear Vlad's voice. Yeah, they beat Vlad, but not the game. That was only level one. I mean there's still plenty of time for this all to be a drug trip, but that time is not here with this book cause we out!

This one was a mixed bag honestly. If anything, it's probably the most rollercoaster book we've read in a while. Because it's a book that feels very slow and sluggish in a lot of places, then you get that burst of adrenaline when we get to one of the wild moments in the story. Honestly this might be up there when it comes to some real crazy gore and implied death outside of a Shivers book. Which I like. This feeling that this video game world isn't kid gloves. It also implies that Vlad has done this a lot. Lured kids to their dooms. Either they end up in his Life-Force Chamber, or they die in other horrific manners. As such it makes scenes like the burned gingerbread kid and the chop shop with flesh coats kind of hit even harder as some of the darkest imagery we've had in any of these books because, again, the implication is that these are from real kids who suffered at the hands of the game. So while this book lulls in a lot of places, it rewards the reader with some visceral horror.

But it is a very slow book. In that it feels like it takes a lot of time to get going. We spend so much time going back and forth with learning what Ernest can and can't do, while also having Roy and Danny argue a lot, while also trying to give the feel of a fetch quest style video game. And the book does feel like it kneecaps the urgency of the quest when they reveal Ernest has three lives, so all that build of the thermometer dropping early on just feels like filler in a book that's loaded with filler. As such, it makes the 138 pages of this story feel longer to me. But, like I said, the payoff of some of the horror and the video game elements at least work in the book's favor, but not enough to defog that slog. 

And I think a lot of that also comes from Roy and Danny, who feel like they could have been cut entirely and have the focus be on Ernest having this video game adventure by himself. Like you just get them bickering and having to deal with threats that Ernest is already dealing with. Like, the book even adds the idea that they could enter the game instead, but that never gets used, and overtime they lose more and more control of Ernest that they feel more and more unimportant. Amazing, a book with three main characters and two are Superfluous Clays. Ernest is fine. At least they gave him a bit more character than just "the kid who farts". I've never been more thankful that it didn't become a running gimmick of the book.

So, overall I really wanted to like this one more. There's a lot of really great horror in the book, but it's stymied with annoying characters and a sluggish feeling. Though I think that also plagues books about video game worlds like this in general. What makes video games so great is that you can interact with them, and that you can control the way the story goes down by how well you play the game. So when you get a book like this with horror like this and a cool action premise like this, you'd honestly want to play a video game like this instead. And I think that's the biggest flaw of this book in a nutshell, you're just in a story where someone else is playing a video game and you can't even see what's going on. Like a backseat watcher watching someone else play the game, but not even that because it's a book. Like the worst let's play ever. So overall, while it's definitely not perfect, I'd recommend it for some of its horror elements, even if the story is kind of lacking. It's a game you'd play once and leave on the shelf to collect dust. Also we never went to any of those other places in the map and I wanted to know what the hell a Bugglebug was. So thanks for nothin'! Cyber Scare gets a B-.