Choice Words: Give Yourself Goosebumps #06: Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter

It's time to spread the news on yet another edition of Give Yourself Goosebumps. Initially I did plan to go in chronological order with these, but if you know me by now that was never going to be the case. Truly a sticky situation. As is the case of the Give Yourself Goosebumps book we're covering this time around. We got our old friend size changing as our subject this time. You'd be surprised, but those do tend to do well in terms of views. I clearly have an audience. And given this is a more well remembered GYG, maybe it'll work here as well? Let's find out as we Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter.

Most iconic cover of the GYG series? I think it is. And there are some great covers, don't get me wrong. Mark Nagata is one of my favorite cover artists for the series. But I think if any of these stick in one's memory, it's the one that looks the most sticky. Good freaked kid reaction, nightmarish outcome of being in a giant sandwich, even has some Jacobus-like traits of checkered ground and warped perspectives. One of the most iconic covers and in the top tier for greatest covers.

As is the case with these books, given that the protagonist is often presented as the reader and no specific gender is given, I'll be using They/Them and "The Player" when I talk about our protagonist. Cool? Let's go.

As is tradition in Goosebumps, the player's parents are off on a business trip while they spend their summer in Fiskeville with their Aunt Fiona and Uncle Harvey. But they aren't the player's main concerns. That would be their cousins, Barney and Dora. Barney is a bully who likes to beat up the player while Dora just wants the player to play with her dolls which, I mean it might not be ideal but you aren't getting beaten up over it... I think. It doesn't go well early as Barney suggests the player plays hide and seek. Aunt Fiona thinks it's great, but just stay out of the basement. And not because there's a plant dad down there. But because it's still cluttered from the previous owners who I guess just left in a hurry. I guess they too beware'd the purple peanut butter. 

As Barney counts, the player has to choose to go down to the basement or go somewhere else, and because this is early in the book, of course the "go somewhere else" pick is just Stine calling the player a pussy for not going down into the basement. So to the basement we go. The basement is cluttered and dirty, and there's a refrigerator inside. The player is hungry from the trip to Fiskeville, so they look inside because the player is a dumb kid who doesn't know that old food in a fridge is no doubt expired. Reader beware, you're in for salmonella. But to the player's surprise there are two interesting items inside the fridge. One is the titular purple peanut butter, and the other is a slice of chocolate cake. But which to gorge on, and what will be the terrifying results?

PATH #1: THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION

There are three different paths that lead to a good ending in this main path. I'll cover one in full, then circle around to what the other paths could have been. 

The player chooses the peanut butter and tastes it. It's surprisingly delicious. So much so that the player eats what's left of it in full-on hand scoops. But as they finish the jar, they hear Dora coming down to the basement. Since the player isn't supposed to be down here, she blackmails them into playing dolls with her. As the player plays with the dollhouse, Dora notes that their watch is dangling on their wrist, which is weird since it fit fine a minute ago. And also, they were three inches taller than Dora, now the two are the same height. 

After dinner, the player goes to bed and has dreams about dots and tingling toes which... what the hell? However, when they wake up, they notice their pajamas are now falling off them. Fair to put that in the "concerned about a half-naked kid" category? Any objections? No? Okay then. Oh but don't worry, the player's clothes have also shrunk which doesn't make sense, but at least we're not following the misadventures of a microscopic naked kid. The player thinks it must have been the peanut butter, but when they check the basement, the fridge and everything else is gone. Aunt Fiona had it all sent to the dump, which leaves us with our first main path split of either going to the dump or going to the doctor.

 

The player calls the doctor, but the receptionist on the other line thinks this is just a prank call, so that was a great use of time. So instead the player heads to the university where Aunt Fiona is at, as there should be a doctor there. But to get there, the player has to pick the 103 bus or the 5 bus, which is also the names of the pages to turn to. 103 is correct, but given the size of the player at this point, they're mistaken for a small child and aren't allowed on the bus. So back in the house they go. Now nearly bug-sized, they try to get help. They find Dora, but can't get her attention as Dora is instead putting on makeup in front of the bathroom mirror. They climb the sink and try to get Dora's attention, but Dora panics and thinks they're a bug, to which she turns the faucet on and sends the player down the drain. 

Eventually the player is washed away through the drainpipe and has to hold on to something to keep afloat. That being a popsicle stick, or a can of Monster Blood. Because hey, the cat witch origin is pretty much non-canon at this point so sure, Monster Blood everywhere. But that's not the path we're taking for this one, it's the popsicle stick. The player uses their popsicle stick raft, but are heading towards a waterfall and a swirling pool of bugs. This is our "luck can screw us over" path as the player must flip a coin. And THIS one is some bull crap. One path requires flipping a coin and having it land on the same face three times in a row, while the other requires two of one side and one of the other. And, if you should actually get three in a row, it's a losing path because OF COURSE IT IS!

The player heads to a pool of water bugs and manages to use one to fly out of the drain and into the dump. As the player regains their bearings and runs through the tall weeds on a hill in the dump, they're attacked by a DINOSAUR! Actually it's a striped lizard but given the size difference right now it's a fair assessment. It's up to the player to make a run for it, either over a grassy hill or a pile of twisted metal. The choice is the hill, but the player slips. But instead of being eaten by the lizard, the lizard eats a grasshopper instead. The player then finds the fridge and using an old kite string and a pin, they rappel up the fridge and find the cake. They mention how this is similar to Alice in Wonderland and that eating certain foods must affect one's size. So the player chooses between a crumb of cake or the icing. Eating the crumb returns the player to normal size. In fact it made them bigger, stronger and faster. Now they don't have to worry about being bullied by Barney.

So, what if the player went to catch the number 5 bus instead? They manage to get in because I guess that bus driver doesn't care about minors riding, and the player arrives at the university. But with them shrinking so quickly they have a choice to make. Look for their aunt or look for a scientist at the physics building. The answer is the physics building. However, a woman mistakes the player for a mouse and calls for a janitor. So the player has to hide in the nearby room or the lab of one Dr. Abbott. They choose the lab and eventually get Dr. Abbott's attention by tying his shoelaces together and causing him to trip. First he thinks the player is just his imagination, but eventually realizes that this is actually a shrunken child. 

Dr. Abbott says he has a way to fix the player. Either the powerful Magnetron, or a laser beam. The player chooses the magnetron and it works, turning them back to normal size. However, it also causes every metal substance to stick to them like a magnet. Also hope you don't like TVs because you aren't using them anymore. But the player is thrilled at their new powers and heads home where about 76 dollars in money sticks to them. So it has its benefits.

Now, what about the laser? Dr. Abbott uses the laser on the player, but it doesn't work. It only shrinks Dr. Abbott. The player spots the remote and leaps over to it. The player sets the dials and we have another of our screwover paths, in this case, it's if your birthday is in either the first or second half of the year. So for me in November, I'd get a bad end. But if your birthday is in the first half of the year, the laser goes off and the player is back to normal size. So is Dr. Abbott. However, both have switched bodies! The player realizes this is actually a good thing. It means Dr. Abbott can deal with Barney and Dora all summer and then they'll switch back later. So... happy enough ending?

PATH #2: LET THEM EAT CAKE

Time for the second primary path with the chocolate cake. The player eats the chocolate cake and escapes the basement, hoping not to have been seen. However, they get caught by Barney who goes to punch them, but they retaliate with a punch of their own, knocking him down. The player notices they've gotten stronger... and bigger. So big that they can't fit in their sneakers anymore. When Dora says she saw the player in the basement, they shout down Dora, which is enough to send her running. Now high on being higher, the player goes to play baseball with some other kids, but Barney chases after them.

However, since the player is now giant, they get to play despite Barney's barbs. The player manages to crack the ball and hit a home run and breaks a nearby window.. But they can't enjoy it as police sirens can be heard. The player confesses and the cops leave them alone since they're pretty damn big. The player goes back to the basement and then decides to eat some of the purple peanut butter, thinking it might help them shrink. It instead makes them grow so big that they break through the wall of the basement. Oh, and Dora mistakes them for an alien mutant. Barney goes to call the cops and the player tries to stop him by... ripping the roof off a neighbor's house. And, to no surprise, now everyone thinks the player's an alien. So great work.

The player tries to escape, crushing cars and bikes underneath. They head to a nearby circus and enters the sideshow. They are mistaken for The Amazing Strongo and are tasked with lifting an elephant. This is another challenge path requiring the ability to do five push-ups. The push-ups outcome is the right path and the player goes to lift the elephant, only for the feds, Barney and Dora to arrive. The player thinks Dora will know who they are, but of course not, she thinks they're an alien. Just... just step on her. You're screwed either way, but like, shoot your shot. The player uses the elephant (named Dodo) to distract everyone while they make a run for it. They spot two bakeries. Maddy's bakery and Effy's bakery. This gives two similar endings, so let's start with Effy's.

Effy sees what's happened to the player and says that she was the one who made the cake for a client who wanted to be bigger. Problem is, the cake worked too well. But she makes a giant cake using a dumpster for the player to eat. She gives the player a formula created by... KERMIT? Yes, somehow Evan Ross' bratty scientist cousin gave some serums to this random baker in another town. But if you remember that Kermit's shrinking formula was blue, sure enough, it works. The player is happy to be normal-sized again and thinks to have broccoli instead next time they're famished.

So now what happens with Maddy's? Well, Maddy's is actually closed. Out of business. Suddenly a red van shows up with a scientist named Dr. Harlan ready to capture "the alien". The player makes a run for it, then they start to shrink back to normal because I guess like Monster Blood in Monster Blood II it just wears off. Okay then. Problem solved itself. Kind of anticlimactic, but an ending is an ending I guess.

So now that we see how the player survived the encounter, let's see the many wacky ways they don't. Let's rate the bad endings.

#1: The player hides from Dora and Barney in the fridge, only the fridge locks behind them and they presumably suffocate.

RATING: 3: Genuine nightmare scenario and a decent screw over to not getting any size changing adventure.

#2: Due to having an even number of letters in their first name, the player is presumably trapped and killed by a mouse.

RATING: 2. A bit vague in its reading but otherwise still a dark end.

#3: Turns out the mouse the player encounters is a mother and mistakes them for one of her babies. So you got a mouse mom now.

RATING: 1.5. Cute but otherwise middling.

#4: The player wakes up in a bed, but it's just Dora's dollhouse. And outside is her cat Puff, waiting for them to leave. 

RATING: 2. Decent open ending, leaving it to the reader's imagination. Otherwise just bland.

#5: After Dora and Puff leave, the other dolls in the dollhouse come to life and force the player to clean up after them.  

RATING: 3.5. Silly supernatural ending that can be a bit out there, but this is a book about shrinking peanut butter.

#6: The janitor notices the player isn't a mouse and faints. However, he faints on top of the player, squishing them.

RATING: 3. The best of the squish endings just for the silly nature of the janitor's collapse.

#7: Now magnetized, the player tests their powers, but passes by a recycling center. The player is presumably about to be crushed by thousands of tin cans. 

RATING: 2.5. Silly enough ending, albeit the most obvious outcome. Would have been more effective if it were a car crushing them. 

#8: While the player climbs down, an encyclopedia falls off a bookshelf, squashing them, followed by several more to ensure they're as good as dead. 

RATING: 2.5. Earns a half point for the multiple books.

#9: The trek to find Aunt Fiona is fruitless when the player shrinks away to nothingness.

RATING: 3. It's a simple ending, but how it's executed is really decent. Right down to the text getting tinier as the player shrinks away. Points for cleverness.

#10: Turns out there's no Monster Blood in the can. But before the player can process that, sewer water fills the can and the player drowns.

RATING: 3.5. Gotta love having the big reference of the book ultimately be the player's downfall (Kermit does not count). Don't mark out for the cat-witch slime, kids.

#11: Heading through the twisted metal proves a bad idea as the player gets caught in a car that gets crushed under a car crusher.

RATING: 2.5. Dark enough an ending. 

#12: So you flipped three straight coin faces. Cool. Too bad the player goes down the waterfall which actually leads to a sewage treatment plant. And they end up chopped up by grinder blades. 

RATING: 3. Another screwing over of the player, which I always appreciate. Another bleak ending s well. 

#13: The Super Reducer Machine ends up making the player into a misshapen freak with a tiny head, thick legs and long arms. 

RATING: 2.5. Works for the silly imagery of what the player looks like after this.

#14: The player plays with a bunch of tigers on their lap as if they were kittens. However the player suddenly shrinks back to normal size, again with FIVE TIGERS on their lap.

RATING: 4. Now THIS is how you do a silly twist. It honestly feels like this book is lacking in them that it's kind of frustrating. 

#15: The player grows big enough that their head exits the ozone layer and into space, which means that they suffocate.

RATING: 4.5. Best ending of the book for how panicked the player gets as they continue to grow and the dark implication of just dying due to having your head literally in the clouds, or in this case, far past them. 

#16: Taking the purple formula instead of the blue turns the player into a gingerbread cookie. Effy says it's not so bad, she'll put them on display and they'll be sure to find a new home.

RATING: 3.5. Weird, but one of those well handled weird twists for its bizarre imagery alone. Like, where the hell did this idea come from? 

#17: The player destroys a police helicopter, which leads them to be snared in a giant spiderweb net.

RATING: 1. It just kind of ends, huh? Cool giant net, but otherwise...

#18: Unable to lift Dodo the Elephant, the player is instead given the job of cleaning up after Dodo for the rest of their life.

RATING: 4. Congrats, your future is shoveling elephant shit. You can't ask for a better bad ending than that.

BEST BAD ENDING: HEAD SPACE
WORST BAD ENDING: JUST A GIANT NET

I'm honestly a bit underwhelmed by this one. Especially the shrinking path which, while it does have some fun set pieces, doesn't feel like it goes as insane as it possibly could. I mean, zero endings involving insects. You gave us the weird spider in Tick Tock You're Dead, but not once in the shrinking book? Thought I knew you, Bob. Ultimately the outcome that wins out here is the cake path as at least with the growing antics, more stuff happens. The circus, the stuff with Effy, avoiding the government. It moves much better and allows for the best bad endings. I mean, it gives us the worst one with the net, but you can't go wrong with space suffocation, elephant shit and turning into a freaking cookie.

I think the way to have fixed the peanut butter shrinking path is simple. Involve the world more. Involve Barney and Dora more as your now shrunken form has to deal with your giant evil cousins. Involve more fun set pieces and action. Maybe keep it more focused around the house and not at a university or a dump. Just try harder to take more fun risks with the paths given. But that's just me and this is another case of me expecting more from a book for kids. I still recommend this one. While I was let down with a lack of energy with one path, it still has enough set pieces and twists and turns that makes you want to see what's next and what other ways the story goes. I just wish most of the endings given were more worth that adventure. Ah well. Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter gets a C+.