Sunday, May 21, 2023

The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Most Wanted Special Edition #04: The Haunter


And we finally come to the end of the Most Wanted Special Edition books, and Most Wanted in general when you think about it. It's certainly existed. But it's time to finally put it behind me and let it haunt me no more. Which is fitting given the title of the book we're covering. I'm concerned because I love this cover, and we've seen how that goes more often than not. Can't be worse than Trick or Trap though. That would require effort, which Trick or Trap lacked. Let's talk about The Haunter.


Like I said above, I love this cover. I like the decision to go black and white with the orange highlights really popping out. It's honestly a better attempt at this than The Five Masks of Dr. Screem and I love that cover. We return to the house motif one last time as it still looks cool and creepy. And then the titular Haunter looks really cool. Ghostly white wisp with glowing orange eyes. The orange claws are a bit much. I just think of Gamblor and his Neon Claws. But it's far from a determent. Top quality Dorman yet again.



We open on a prologue with our protagonist Sammy Baker at a school assembly for Mayor Springfield. It gives us our characters, Sammy, his friend Bill Buzzner (or Buzzy), his teacher Miss Flake, the principal Mr. Harkness, Sammy's enemy Rubin Rubino (wow, how long did you take for that name, Bob?) and Summer Magee, a girl that Sammy's had a crush on in third grade since she saved him from a volcano accident at a science fair. But she isn't that interested in him. So, back to the assembly. It was a bad enough day for young Samuel as a field trip to a maple syrup plant was cancelled and he's stuck listening to the mayor. Then, without warning, Sammy runs up on stage and starts dancing and flapping his arms around the mayor. Let's be honest, if this actually happened, Sammy would be fucking tackled off the stage by security. Now THAT would be a good cliffhanger.

We then cut to three weeks before the incident, two weeks before Halloween. We learn that Sammy is terrified of pretty much everything, especially anything horror related. Dude, I can relate at that age. But it's made no better when their horror fan of a teacher, Miss Flake, gives the class group assignments that have to do with horror. And unfortunately for Sammy, he's part of the assignment to study if haunted houses are real. He's none too thrilled about it, especially with Rubin being a part of it. But Buzzy's part of the group, as is Summer, so maybe it won't be so bad to study the old Marple house, which everyone says is totally haunted. 

Sammy heads to Rubin's mansion. He's a rich kid whose mother is famous for inventing a new kind of acid. The "burns through things" kind not the drugs kind. As he heads there, Sammy spots the Marple house and thinks he sees a face in an upstairs window. He arrives at Rubin's place and sure enough, Buzzy and Summer are there, along with two other kids, Shamequa Shannon, who is described as being shy, and Todd Garcia, who is the class clown character for our book. Oh, my favorite. Rubin has Sammy take a seat, to which Sammy feels like he's sat in something. It's Rubin's mom's acid! No, but it's actually cat piss. Page 31 feels pretty early for a "What the Hell, Stine?" but here it is. At least I HOPE it's just cat piss. But Sammy says it doesn't bother him because he's the master of the world's worst poker face.

The plan is to use ghost hunting equipment that Shamequa's dad conveniently has to stay in the Marple house to get proof of a ghost boy that lives there. It's an old town legend that a young boy was left home alone when he was suddenly struck by lightning. I like to imagine it's like a Looney Tunes cartoon and he just dissolved into ash in comical fashion. I say imagine because according to Buzzy, there were no remains. The boy's parents returned, then when they realized their son had been fricasseed by god, left the house in a panic, leaving their son's ghost behind. Some say the boy still haunts the place and still calls out for his parents. This already makes Sammy want to wet his pants if they weren't already pre-wet, but since Summer's going to be there and he's already sick of Rubin's crap, he's got no choice to go. Misty Rogers, another kid to add to the collection so far, arrives late and is given the 411.

Sammy has a nightmare about the ghost boy, and is still against going. He tells his parents about it, hoping they'll see it his way, but these are Goosebumps parents who are proud of Sammy for facing his fears head-on or something like that. So Sammy's damned if he does but is somehow more damned if he doesn't. So we flash forward to Halloween night. Sammy and Buzzy see a green light in the attic window of the Marple house before they arrive. Sammy uses his dad's GoPro, which Stine makes sure to tell you is the best camera there is, when it gets smacked out of his hand and broken. The odder thing is the camera is ice cold. They suspect Rubin, but Rubin, Summer, Todd and Shamequa all show up. They head to the house but are unable to open the door as if it's being held in place. So they opt for a window instead.

As they enter, Todd suddenly runs off with a flashlight... then comes back saying he was just checking outside for the ghost. Surprised that wasn't a chapter stinger, I really am. They all enter, then try to think of where to look for a ghost. The attic is verboten for the moment given that's where lightning can usually strike. The other kids search the house with Sammy lagging behind. Suddenly, he hears a voice whisper that he's being watched. Sammy suspects Rubin, but he's nowhere to be seen. He finds the others as they set up their equipment. They call to the ghost, then hear a knock. It's Misty, arriving conveniently late with doughnuts. As they talk some more, Sammy hears a whisper. They record a voice saying that they'll never leave the house alive, but when they replay it a few times it suddenly vanishes from the tape. Then, out of nowhere, Sammy feels a strange chill all over his body, his body seemingly frozen and unable to move. Eventually he "thaws out" and everyone takes their leave, feeling this was all a bust. Though Sammy still feels kind of odd.

We cut to a few days later as Sammy is in Miss Flake's class. After being tripped by Rubin and straight up missing his chair and falling again, he hears a voice tell him to jump on his desk and do jumping jacks, which he does. Oh, so it's another one of these books, huh? Well, my overall consensus of Most Wanted continues to be proven right. Sammy's creating a scene beyond his control, then is made to play Jingle Bells on a pretend flute. He's sent to the nurse's office where he is then compelled by a voice to take her sandwich and stuff it in her mouth. Reader beware, you're in for a choking hazard! 60 pages left and I will say my good will is dashing super quick. Still plenty of time to course correct, but it's Stine...

Mrs. Bradley, the nurse who Sammy almost murdered tries to get an answer. Sammy says that he hears voices in his head. They counsel him. They understand. They talk to him. There's my one wrestling reference per blog, right on schedule. And of course she doesn't believe him. I mean, she's a school nurse not a psychiatrist. He then tears a pillow in the office so Mrs. Bradley calls his parents. After leaving the office, he runs into Summer who says that the kids loved his top tier class clowning. And when he gets home, his parents... wait, they apologize to him? I mean they don't believe it could actually be voices, but they say that they feel bad for letting him go to the Marple house if it would cause episodes like this. Stine wrote remorseful parents who blame THEMSELVES for their kid's trauma? I think I need to lay down...

Sammy starts to suspect that whatever is going on is connected to his visit to the Marple house and tries to get his inner voice to talk with him, but no answers. We still have like 50 pages so yeah. But we're finally right back where we started. The assembly with Mayor Springfield and Sammy rushing up on the stage. The voice making him tap dance, swing his arms and make crowing sounds, then dance with the mayor. And hey look, he does get tackled... by the gym teacher but like I said, that should have been where the prologue ended. Oddly, the principal gives Sammy another chance since technically he made the assembly interesting. But at lunch Sammy cartwheels and kicks a pan of spaghetti into Rubin, which gets him kicked out of school.

As he heads home, the voice tells him to climb a tree to get a kitten out. But there's no kitten when Sammy makes it to the very top. He gets rescued by firefighters and tries to talk to the voice, wondering if the voice is trying to kill him. And the voice responds with "yeah, that's what I'm doing. Then we can have fun." Turns out that yes, this is the ghost Sammy saw in the Marple house. He possessed Sammy and has been living in his head, controlling him. But he wants Sammy to die so that they can be PFFs: Best Fantoms Forever.  So now Sammy's got that to worry about. And we end the chapter with "The next day, the ghost killed me." Move over "Are there any more potatoes", we have the new greatest final line for a Goosebumps chapter. 

So, those forgiving parents earlier have turned on Sammy, not happy about the spaghetti incident. But, somehow, Sammy is allowed back in school. Summer is also really happy since the spaghetti incident was caught on video by Misty and now he's a bit of a viral sensation. The voice tells him to dance off the roof. Sammy starts to climb, but falls off the drainpipe. Sick of this, he heads to the Marple house to get rid of the voice once and for all. But suddenly he collapses and blacks out. He wakes up, now a ghost, greeted by a boy named Benjamin Marple. The kid who died in the house and the one playing literal mind games with Sammy. He then takes Sammy to Rubin and the two enter Rubin's mind and making him call the teacher mommy like Ralph Wiggum to Miss Hoover. Sammy isn't fond of being a ghost and wants to go back to normal. He heads down a dark corridor while Benjamin grabs him and tries to hold him back. Eventually though Sammy does wake up back to normal again. No more voices.


The next day at school, there's a new kid in class. It's Benjamin Marple! You see, when Sammy managed to bring himself back to life, Benjamin was brought back to life as well by process of holding on to him. I legit let out an audible "WHAT" when I read that. But also Benjamin still has control of him and decides they should still do that dance off the roof. 

Starting off by saying that, thankfully, this is a better book than Trick or Trap, but that's not an impossible task. At least things happen in this book and it at least flows so much better. A bit slow getting into the Marple house, but after that, the progression is much better, even if half of it is just "here's another thing Benjamin makes Sammy do. And another. And another. And another." Definitely a feeling that the first half is the most padded as an excuse to make this a special edition when, like Trick or Trap, it really didn't need to be a special edition. Longer Goosebumps is never good Goosebumps because it shows Stine's worst traits. And this was no exception.

This book has a neat idea, but ultimately feels like it takes a sampling from so many other books. You have a mind controlled kid doing bad things like Son of Slappy, a plot about a ghost trying to kill a kid so they can be friends in the afterlife, that's The Curse of Camp Cold Lake. And then the one this book really reminds me of, My Best Friend is Invisible. An invisible force ruining a kid's life because they want to be friends. Hell, the protagonists for both books are named Sammy. Eh, at least My Best Friend is Invisible had a better, albeit convoluted, twist. This one's twist is just there. More confusing than secret aliens but somehow just as dark. And "Just There" really feels like this book in a nutshell. So yes, the "cool cover, mid book" curse strikes again!

Sammy is an okay protagonist, but nothing incredible either. Another timid kid whose cowardly traits just vanish into the ether once the rest of the book goes down. Benjamin is an interesting villain who isn't given enough time to really develop as anything special either. Rubin exists to be the bully, Summer is a love interest kind of, her involvement feels so lacking. Buzzy is the friend at least. Then there's the rest who are all Superfluous Clays, especially Misty. What was even the point of her? Like, did Stine have an idea for her then just didn't? Her only traits are being late and bringing doughnuts that one time. There had to be more for her to do in the draft, right Bob? R-right Bob?

So, the fourth and final Most Wanted Special Edition is finally in the books. And I'd say this is a better way to end this part of the series, but otherwise it just feels there. Which really speaks to special editions in Goosebumps. They feel like they're there to be a gimmick to sell books and not anything with actual effort put into them. I really wish special editions felt special and they were Stine's best ideas put out there, but they really never are and the Most Wanted ones are probably the best examples of that. But I'll say this was at least worth a light, very light recommend. Though, for real, what was up with the cat piss? The Haunter gets a C+

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