The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Most Wanted Special Edition #3: Trick or Trap

Time to open the big ol' Pandora's candy bag that is Goosebumps Most Wanted. The previous two special editions went well enough, so maybe this third edition will be another cakewalk. Or maybe that cake I'm walking on is actually a pile of turds. Either way, open wide for Trick or Trap.

I really like this cover. We get the return of the house setting in the background, looking very lively for Halloween. Speaking of lively, the rotting zombie hand clutching the torn up candy bag that is literally puking out treats. And to keep from this being super freaky, the cover adds silly things like a zombie foot and ominous eyes in the grass.  There was a previous version with different art, seemingly going the Five Masks of Dr. Screem route with the black and white background, but it also feels more mediocre than this work of art. Dorman impresses once more.

Scott Harmon opens this story by telling us that he's a world class wimp. Everything scares him. Be it his demon of a little sister named Rita, who like Tara before her, is never punished by their parents because they think it's cute. So, super quick Goosebumps Parents confirmation out the gate. I appreciate that, Bob. And then there's Mickey and Morty Klass, the Klass Brothers. A pair of bully brothers who Scott describes as looking like chubby Neanderthals. But he does have a friend in this world of worry, Amanda Gold, who Scott describes as being seemingly even more scared than he is at everything. Reader beware, you're in for two scared. 

But this Halloween, Scott and Amanda want to make this one matter. They want revenge on the Klass brothers and Rita for all the scares. Especially since the last prank Rita did was add red food coloring to Scott's mouthwash and gave him a weird bloody mouth all day. Though, wouldn't that be purple or a weird gunky brownish? Unless the mouthwash was clear, this would not have succeeded so well. And then there's the fact that Scott didn't check the bottle and, like he says, he uses mouthwash in the morning, so, while yeah, Rita's a brat, this is more on him being an easy mark.

So first they plan to get braver. And that's by going into the creepy old house by the graveyard. As they're about to enter, they hear a raspy voice from behind them warning them to get out. It's Mickey and Morty screwing with them. Scott and Amanda try to escape, but the brothers grab them and tell them that they're the newest members of the Dare Club. What's the Dare Club? Well, the Klass Brothers will dare them to do something and they have to do it, or else. And they can't quit the club either as they're lifetime members. So, less of a club and more of a cult, I guess? 

The Klass brothers dare/force Scott and Amanda to make it from one side of the graveyard to the other. The two begin to go through when they spot a man with no head coming towards them. The two panic, only to learn that it's Mickey and Morty's friend Kenji Kuroda, who was also in on scaring Scott and Amanda. The bullies leave while Scott and Amanda are now more determined than ever to get revenge, but also realize that the Klass brothers are far from done with them. And if that was the easiest dare, things are about to get much worse. And when he gets home, Scott learns that the Klass brothers and Kenji put the video up on Youtube, so yeah, much worse much faster than expected.

That night, Scott hears noises in his closet. He opens it to find Amanda in there. She was forced by the Klass brothers to scare him on account of them stealing his backpack. Also, the Klass brothers updated the video to say that Scott wet his pants, which Rita finds funny because in case you needed further clarification that she sucks. Scott's in a panic, thinking what if they call upon the many Marvel characters to scare the Klass brothers into stopping, which we're only on page 40 and this kid's cracking. Amanda says that they need to ride this out until they can come up with a perfect revenge plan.

At school, Scott is planning his revenge. He sees Mickey in the corner talking to two cheerleaders. So Scott thinks to pants him, only for Kenji to once again just sneak up from out of the blue and pants Scott first. I mean, serves Scott right in this case. And Scott is wearing Hello Kitty boxers that his grandma gave him, so yeah, REAL bad move there. After Scott has a near-fatal encounter with a wasp, he and Amanda decide to enter the creepy old house themselves to prove they aren't the most easily scared kids on the planet. It goes well enough, they get scared by a screaming noise that could be a cat, Scott bumps into some cobwebs, and he steps in shit. I mean it's not said as such, but come on. After the Hello Kitty underwear it's like Stine's really vindictive in this book to just make this kid's life shit. Is it making sense now why I took a year and a half to get to this one?

After Amanda falls down a trapdoor that's placed there for some reason, the kids decide it's enough for now and they both escape, but not before Scott notices a strange wooden box with no dust on it. So he decides to take it with him. When the two return to Scott's they check the box, to which a strange purple smoke emits from it and seeps out the window. But inside is a red scarf and a wooden Dia de los Muertos mask. He hears a voice compelling him to put it on. That voice is Rita who is again screwing with Scott because it's been maybe a millisecond too many that Scott's not been screwed with. But he wears it anyway and goes into a strange foggy trip that lasts a few seconds. 

At dinner, Scott's mom made his favorite food: beef tongue, oysters and slugs. They aren't his favorites, but clearly we're finally into the supernatural element of the story. Frustrated with Rita tatelling on him about the mask, he wishes that she was never born. And then she disappears. But not really as he actually was in a spell for a few minutes and finally snaps out of it. Yeah, he was there the whole time and Rita never vanished. But it's enough of a trip for Scott to realize that he's got to get rid of that mask somehow, but it's still like halfway through to book to do that right now, especially since Rita's bugging him about it. For now, he's focused on posting pics of him and Amanda in the haunted house to Instagram to prove to everyone, including the Klass brothers that they're totally brave. 

That night at dinner for real, Scott and Rita's mom tells them that their Aunt Ida is coming over to visit soon and she's loads of fun. But it's been a millisecond since Scott's been humiliated so we cut to picture day at school. The Klass brothers and Kenji grab Scott and throw him in a muddy grave where he can't get out. And points to Stine for the next chapter being like "I'm sure you want to skip the harrowing hour-long stay in the open grave" and we just move on with a muddy Scott back at school. He's finally had it, the Klass brothers and Kenji have to be dealt with. Amanda has an idea, but we'll go back to that in a bit. Scott returns home and finds an old lady in his room saying she's Aunt Ida. She then leaves abruptly and just as that happens, Scott's mom tells him that Aunt Ida isn't coming due to being sick. So some old lady was just in Scott's room for some reason. Scott tries to tell Rita but she doesn't believe him because of course she wouldn't.

Scott starts to suspect that the woman must be a ghost, after the contents of the box. Speaking of which, he puts the mask on again and sees a monstrous version of Amanda. He takes the mask off and instead of getting rid of it, he says that he needs it until Halloween at least. He then has a nightmare about a crow entering his room and turning into a human. He wakes up to find a feather on his bed. The next day, the three of them (including Rita who promises to be good, because she's totally tracked on that so far) begin the plan to get back at the Klass brothers and Kenji. And that's by holding a Halloween party at the creepy house. Do a whole bunch of pranks on them with effects and sounds and stuff. As they leave, they're stuck for a moment and hear a voice calling for them to stay. But they amscray the first chance they get, only to run into the Klass brothers and Kenji. Scott invites them to the party at the house. The three bullies are concerned, since they can tell this sounds like a trap (or a trick?) but accept. Also we're like 30 pages left and we still feel like we're spinning wheels bad.

Halloween arrives and after preparing the house (with Scott almost dying on account of a bag of slime tearing over him and choking him) Mickey, Morty and Kenji arrive. They stay around, mostly commenting on how boring this party is, when suddenly there are strange screaming noises, shadows floating on the ceiling, and a skeleton rapping at the window. And no sign of Rita. It's enough to make Scott panic, but the Klass brothers and Kenji tell them that those are their pranks. They knew something was up the whole time and saw the three kids preparing their traps, so they clapped back with their own scares. As Scott feels defeated, suddenly the mask floats down the stairs and behind it is the old woman from before. 

The old woman is named Lillian and she has a gold tooth. She also is dead, trapped in the mask for years. When Scott opened the box, it freed her and restored her powers. But now the kids can't leave. They're stuck forever. The bullies try to run to the door, but Lillian causes them to feel as if their ears are burning. She then focuses on Scott, putting the mask over him, saying that for her to be free, someone else must take on the curse of the mask. Amanda manages to attack Lillian long enough for Scott to break free and place the mask back on Lillian who screams and vanishes. They kids make a run for it, but then remember that they left Rita in the house.

Scott soon finds Rita in his room. He's relieved that she escaped, but she says that she didn't. Lillian's magic mist just settled over her. Scott is confused, then sees that Rita has a gold tooth. Sure, whatever. 

I have read a ton of these books and I can safely say that there has never been a Goosebumps book more pointless than Trick or Trap. A threadbare story with next to nothing going on, a lot of wheel spinning and a lack of many horror elements to keep you invested. This book took me a year and a half to get through because every time I wanted to get into it, it bored the hell out of me. I literally had to plow through this one to finally get it done. I'll give a slight apology to Haunting with the Stars, at least SOME things happened in the book and not in the last twenty freaking pages. And honestly, this wouldn't have been so bad were this not a special edition book. And it only feels Special Edition as a gimmick and I guess for Stine to just keep going with whatever the hell his train of thought was with this one. You could have cut so much stuff out of this and nothing would have been lost. NOTHING. It's the Superfluous Clay of Special Editions.

I like the concept of the mask and Lillian and so many other things that I wish mattered more. What was with the nightmare world of the mask, why was it specifically a Dia de los Muertos mask when it really didn't matter to the plot at all? Like, did you want to do another Haunted Mask and got cold feet? Like, it would have still been better than Wanted: The Haunted Mask. That's an achievable task, Bob. But we get so little of the mask that it just feels like a gimmick to put in because Stine had zero idea how to add horror to this story otherwise. It feels like a lame revenge story with no horror elements whatsoever. Lacking in anything that feels justifiable as a story, let alone a Special Edition. 

Scott exists. His whole scaredy cat shtick gets old quick. You do feel bad for the kid because, Amanda aside, everyone shits on him. So you want him to get any win at all, but it feels like the book just can't do that. Speaks to what I feel Most Wanted comes off as, which is this weirdly more mean spirited, more nihilistic era to Goosebumps. Protagonists constantly have to be treated poorly or mocked but don't get a satisfying win because that would feel meaningless. Not the worst case of this. Nothing is a worse case of that more than Dr. Maniac Will See You Now, but still doesn't make me want to sit through a 166 page book of this kid being clowned on by fate. Amanda's fine but existent mostly to be the best friend. You could remove her and have it be about Scott and Rita's issues and nothing would be lost. I'd call her Superfluous Clay, but at least it gives Scott ANYONE to play off of, so she serves that point. 

Speaking of THAT Dr. Maniac book, Rita just feels like Ernie. Annoying brat of a kid who makes their older sibling miserable and doesn't get in trouble ever for it. So every scene with her just feels like overkill in beating Scott down. The Klass brothers and Kenji mostly just exist and bullies and the only lingering plot device in the entire book. Without them, there's no need for revenge, but they feel so minor to the actual story that they don't matter that much either. And Lillian comes and goes so fast that you don't get much time to really think about what her purpose even was. Why was she trapped? What is her deal? What exactly does the mask do? All things that could have been answered in a book this long if Stine had put in that effort, but alas.

Overall, this is probably up there for most pointless book ever. There's elements that could work if there was a solid reason for the book even existing in the first place. The most quota book of quota books from Stine and that's saying a lot. One final special edition left to finally close the book on Most Wanted. Hopefully I don't take a year to finally be able to plow through that one. But for now, Trick or Trap gets a D.