NNtG: Bone Chillers #06: Teacher Creature

Time for another lesson in GB-likes from our old friend Betsy Haynes. Bone Chillers has been an interesting affair, though I've yet to really find one that enters my upper echelon of favorite books overall. But nothing's been a flop either. And with another school year on the horizon, let's talk about another kids horror book with a monster teacher. One with a title that sounds close to a title Stine would take for Series 2000 a few years later. So let's get schooled with Teacher Creature.

It's funny. Teacher Creature. Creature Teacher. Both covers done by Tim Jacobus. Both featuring a monstrous teacher behind a desk looking freaky. Though Stine definitely won the battle over freakiest. Unless you have a fear of frogs which, yeah I could see this one being a bit of a freaky one. Might not have gotten me though. It's no skeleton picnic. As you'd expect from Tim, some warping, grizzly detail on the tongue and a good blend of the silly with the surreal. Looks like a guy who would be a good teacher all told, just maybe butter him up with a few flies here and there. Good stuff.

Our protagonist Joey Powers and his friends Nate Dolinsky and Molly Murphy are in class which surprisingly hasn't been called on account of an upcoming hurricane. In fact, that's what they're learning from their not so-creature teacher Mr. Vernon. Hurricane Leslie is on its way, about to hit Florida with 112-MPH winds. Joey knows this all too well as he lived through Hurricane Andrew. Which hey, that just turned thirty this year. Happy... anniversary? He mentions hearing that the frogs in the nearby swamp of Ochopee were flown about everywhere after the storm hit. After school, just as the hurricane is approaching, Joey challenges Nate to not evacuating with their families and sneaking into the school as a deadly hurricane is coming. I know this is pre-Youtube and you have to stave off boredom somehow but come on.

As they prep their supplies, they bump into Molly who is ready to narc on them given, you know, this is a dumb idea. Butt she ends up dragged along as the boys manage to make it into the school. As the storm rages, they're in a school with no power and no way to really get out. They check the radio to discover that the three have been reported missing and presumed shit out of luck as everyone else has evacuated the town on account of, you know, the freaking hurricane. Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough for the trio, they spot something outside emerging from the nearby swamp. Almost humanoid with a large bloody mouth. They think maybe it's Old Man Johnson's dog which, given they antagonize it so much, maybe they're hoping it, you know, dies in a storm?

So, now the creature is by the windows, the storm has now hit and the radio reports the three kids are presumed dead. Oh, and it'll take days for people to come back on account of debris. So yeah. MASSIVE FOUL UP. Nate thinks it's best not to stay in the school and head back home, despite reports of downed power lines. And yes, I'd buy this kid being stupid enough to try to dodge downed power lines. Somewhere Louie the Lightning Bug is looking on in disgust. Joey looks outside again and sees just how damaging the storm is, with the nearby swing set being blown apart. Oh, and the creature is still out there. But things look to die down. On account of it being the eye of the hurricane. 

Nate, who also has the only flashlight, is ready to leave his friends for dead and, given the Darwin award winning level of logic would no doubt be electrocuted immediately, when they all hear a crash nearby. The creature has gotten inside. So, without much choice now, the three head out and manage to survive electrocution to make it to Nate's house. The three survive the night and soon see a bulldozer outside removing debris. Though still no sign of the creature, which is still a major concern. They then spot something burrowing in a nearby dumpster. The three run to the bulldozer operators and tell them about the possible monster, but they don't believe them because... I mean they already have to clean up after a hurricane, so I can buy them not wanting to deal with a potential Swamp Thing. 

Time passes. Nobody has seen any possible monster. Joey, Nate and Molly are reunited with their families and the school is about to reopen. The other kids at school also mock the three for their monster story. As they head to class, they don't see their teacher, Mr. Vernon. Instead it's a short, plump man in some sort of brown leather suit. The man introduces himself as Mr. Batrachian. Because Mr. Frog would be too on the nose... if frogs had noses I guess. And Mr. Vernon was called out of town to someplace far away. That can count as a Simpsons and a wrestling reference in one. Truly my talents have exceeded their limits. 

Mr. Batrachian, in his hoarse voice, talks about taking the kids on a field trip to the Everglades, to see how the hurricane affected the environment. Totally an educational pursuit and not an evil frog monster thing, I can assure you. The whole class really loves Mr. Batrachian. Except for Joey. Maybe it's how he looks. Or smells. Or that thing he does with his tongue. Just bad vibes all around. At the Everglades, Joey also spots Mr. Batrachian reading some sort of book with the word "CHILDREN" on it. Oh, and him catching a fly with his tongue. So now Joey's certain that this teacher is a creature. But Nate and Molly don't believe him because they like Mr. Batrachian and also because, let's face it, these kids are freaking dense. 

They venture into the swamp for a bit with Mr. Batrachian getting to literally play Mr. Educator on the history of the Everglades. Everyone is awed except for Joey who thinks that something's up. Later, he sees Mr. Batrachian eating something that looks like a racoon. And with the blood smeared on his face, he looks exactly like the swamp creature. Joey runs into the swamp and gets lost, only to then encounter an alligator. He runs off again and tells everyone, to which Mr. Batrachian enters the swamp and emerges with blood on his mouth saying that there'll be no more issues with the alligator. Joey again tries to tell Nate, but Nate doesn't believe that this could be the same as the swamp monster. They almost come to blows, but Mr. Batrachian stops it, as fighting will only make them tired and stringy.

Mr. Batrachian wishes for the kids to venture deeper into the swamp, but with a less severe storm picking up, they chose to leave. But before they go, Joey and Nate see Mr. Batrachian lapping up rainwater with his giant tongue, which even for the kid who wanted to play "dodge the powerline", Nate now believes that he's the creature all right. No. Wait. Next day he's already doubting it. With Batrachian ready to bring the kids back into the swamp, Joey tries to get out of school by pretending sick, but then realizes that would be selfish. If the kids get hurt by Mr. Batrachian, it would be partly him to blame, so he has to stop him somehow. A selfless protagonist? This is DEFINITELY not a Stine work.

Joey arrives at school just as the class are gone. He checks inside the classroom and finds a book on Mr. Batrachian's desk. The CHILDREN book. Only it's actually a book that says PREPARING CHILDREN. As in preparing them to be eaten. Did... did Mr. Batrachian write this or... i-i-i-it's Florida. It's Florida. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a cannibal writing cookbooks. And like, fully preparing a kid and just shoving it in an oven all Hansel and Gretel-like. Joey takes the book and rushes off to the Everglades to find his class. He arrives and shows Molly the cookbook, to which she realizes that oh, this is actually happening. Also, she learned that the word Batrachia means tailless amphibians.

The two soon find Mr. Batrachian by an open fire with Nate tied up and unconscious. Mr. Batrachian reveals his past. He was an ordinary toad who was in Hurricane Andrew. And somehow the effects of the storm caused some sort of radioactive reaction that turned him into a giant humanoid toad. Also, I guess that leather coat was his skin which, ewwwww. Also he ate Mr. Vernon, no surprise there. He equates how eating humans is no different from eating any other animal, like, for instance, frog legs. Which, you know, he may be a monster, but he knows how to point out irony. Joey and Molly help Nate recover and they make a run for it with Mr. Batrachian giving chase, but the trio end up trapped.

Suddenly, the nearby mangrove trees begin to move on their own and attack Mr. Batrachian. Yeah, turns out that Mr. Batrachian wasn't the only mutated creature in the swamp. The trees kill Mr. Batrachian and everything seems to finally be calm. The three decide not to tell anyone since they already don't believe a giant talking frog monster, they aren't believing that the trees are walking too.

This one wasn't too bad. I wouldn't say it's in that echelon I was hoping for, but for what it was, it was still a serviceable horror book. Starting strong with the hurricane to build us up to both the reveal of Mr. Batrachian and his ultimate monstrous plan. Even if that first act was just a whole load of idiot ball that just exists really. By all accounts, the hurricane barely felt like it mattered other than to be a neat bit of horror to pad the book out until we get to the actual teacher creature stuff. And when we get there, it's also pretty decent. The obvious comparison is The Girl Who Cried Monster, though in this case we at least have a likeable and selfless protagonist instead of an actual monster who wanted to out another monster for rewards. #JusticeForMortman. 

 

And the book never gives you much of a shades of grey with Mr. Batrachian like with Mr. Mortman. Batrachian was always planning this big child eating plan. Though again, the cookbook is still an interesting piece as well. Clearly a Twilight Zone reference, but it also feels like an excuse to pad. I mean, it's pretty obvious that Mr. Batrachian was up to something like this. But again padding can be fine if used well enough and this book does just well enough. I also like Batrachian as a villain. He feels imposing, creepy and works as this just deceptive enough monster.

Joey's also a decent protagonist. Nothing overly special but again does the job well. Molly mostly exists to be the one to educate Joey and Nate. Nate's dumb as a post though. How does he manage to get by each day remembering how to breathe? Horror is also solid with a lot of great little creepy moments and absolutely zero fake out scares to make this one groan-worthy. And the twist, for what it is, works quite well. So this is a solid recommendation. Nothing incredible, but still a decent read. It's no classic, but it's far from a croaker. Teacher Creature gets an A-.