A little while back I covered Amnesia by Sinclair Smith, and I came out really liking the book. Granted, there wasn't too much new ground tread to this type of story and did kind of feel like a mild Misery, but I left satisfied and wanting to cover some more. I think now is that time to serve up another dish. Will I be satisfied, or leave a one star rating? Let's talk about The Waitress.
Paula McLaughlin is dying... of boredom as she's stuck in the English class with her droning teacher Mr. Aloysius T. Woods. He's trying to bring up suspense, specifically Hitchcock's The Birds, and what one would do if something innocuous as birds or people just suddenly changed at the drop of the hat and became violent. See, Paula would rather be anywhere else. She moved to town in October and thanks to Coralynn Hailey, she hasn't even been able to make any friends. Made even worse when her boyfriend Garth Zvecker tried to talk with Paula but was caught, which made her an even bigger enemy for Coralynn. If she had it her way, Paula would love it if Coralynn just disappeared.
But that's not all that Paula's got on her plate. She's also serving plates at Trixie's Dog House. A diner that touts that it's the place to go "For Doggone Good Chow". Cute, though if this were a Stine book they'd probably be serving dog. But then again, there was the bird killed in Amnesia, so don't let me have spoiled the surprise. The owner, Trixie, wanted a waitress with experience, but Paula lied about that, so you know, two feet deep into the fire. And when they say dog aesthetic, they mean dog aesthetic, including a neon dog sign that says "Bow Wow Wow". Not sure if it says Yippee Yo or Yippee Yay though. Arriba La Raza all day every day!
The diner looks like it came right out of the 1950s, including Trixie herself with her red beehive hairdo. She mentions that while she cooks in the back, she does often do waitress work in case of emergency. We also get a bit of a weird vibe from Trixie as she seems really stern and concerned that Paula is lying about having experience. As it really gets busy at Trixie's and anyone who doesn't know what they're doing would be killed. Also there's something on the menu called Trixie's surprise. So very low burgundy flags at the moment. There's also the burgers. A regular burger is a Bow Wow, a cheeseburger a C-Bow Wow and a frankfurter a Bow Wow Wow. This is like Mr. Burns giving Homer batting signals.
Trixie mentions that they wouldn't want any accidents. Slips, choking, full on cracking skulls on the tables, that sort of thing. They head down to the freezer where the door shuts behind them. Oh no! Wait, it was all just a joke by Trixie that she likes to pull on the new employees. Definitely not something to be absolutely frigging concerned about, perish that thought. As they talk, Trixie spots a girl on a motorcycle approaching the diner. This is Cookie, who we learn has a bad side to her. Paula also meets another girl named Virgilia Radner, or Virgil for short, who confirms to Paula that while Trixie can be odd, it's all in good fun. All in good, possible kidnapping situation fun.
As Paula gets to work, she sees Coralynn in the diner with Garth and learns that Coralynn is Trixie's niece, because dude maybe this job's not worth it and you've only been here ten minutes. It's 1992 so anywhere is possibly hiring. She gives them their food, but as she turns to leave their booth, both the salt and mustard tops fall off, getting the two messy. Shortly after that, a scream can be heard from the girls bathroom. Coralynn exits in pain and says that apparently the faucets were switched and scalding water came out of the cold faucet. Oh god, is there an evil spirit here too? We back in Shadyside? Oh, and she blames Paula. No, seriously. ANY OTHER JOB.
So, day one doesn't go well. But Cookie tells Paula that things will be fine, hell even Coralynn can't be THAT bad. We learn that Paula's dad died not too long ago and her mother had a high-power job before everything kind of crapped the bed and they ended up having to move, hence why Paula took on the job at all. A party is coming up and Cookie says that she knows how to handle Coralynn and maybe she can diffuse this mess for her. Things calm down for a while, but weird things keep happening. From a napkin that reads "Think you're funny? You just might DIE laughing!" to red dye in the soap, strange things keep happing at this admittedly strange diner.
After class, Paula runs into Coralynn who seems to be apologetic for everything that went down at the Dog House and invites Paula to her party that's being held, conveniently, at the diner. Paula's bullshit meter is starting to go off, but she ultimately accepts the offer. But while at gym while dancercizing, Paula suddenly gets hit over the back of the head by something. She wakes up with Coralynn telling her that she must have hit her head at gym class. She wakes up at the party as everyone is really wanting her to "try the punch". Reader beware, we're in Jonestown! She is awakened before trying any punch. Everyone suspects Coralynn, but she claims it must have been an accident. That's all. Why all the icy stares all of a sudden? But as Paula's taken to see the doctor, Coralynn says that she hopes that Paula won't miss the party.
Cookie takes Paula out for a sightseeing tour of the town, including Scoop's, the ice cream shop near the Dog House. Paula notices a drive-in that appears to have been shut down, to which Cookie changes subject to Coralynn's party. As they talk some more, Cookie almost crashes into a truck. But we just move on from another near death experience as Paula gets ready for the party. She gets a phone call, but nobody responds on the other line. She gets a second phone call, but this time the voice speaks saying that she's not a good waitress. The voice has been trying to get her attention and soon something drastic will have to happen. Despite, you know, everything so far, Paula just chalks it up to a prank call and moves on from it.
Garth then calls Paula before she heads to the party. She arrives and things go fine. A boy named Jimmy, who is dressed as a bat for some reason, suggests Paula try the punch, which is weird to Paula given the dream. Coralynn arrives and snaps at Paula, angry that she would show up after everything at the diner. Paula says that Coralynn invited her, but Coralynn says she did no such thing. Paula leaves, now feeling that clearly this was all a setup by Cookie and Coralynn to embarrass her. No. Literally. Like, is the McDonalds hiring?
As she heads home, Paula is stopped by Garth who conveniently didn't go to the party at the time, so he learns from Paula what went down. He calls Coralynn spoiled, which is bad timing as apparently Coralynn followed them and is now even more pissed. Good job. Garth says that despite being in the same circle, it wasn't until recently that Coralynn had any interest in him. Hell, their second date was the same day of Paula's first waitressing job. But he's sure after everything tonight, things should definitely calm down. Paula again spots the abandoned drive-in and asks, but all that Garth says is that there was an accident, but nothing to worry about. I mean, you have The Dog House. Oh and Scoop's. We still don't know the deal about Scoop's. This fucking town needs a Pete's Pizza yesterday.
At school the next day, Coralynn goes after Paula again, but when Virgilia shows up, she manages to drive Coralynn away. We learn that Virgilia is a bit of a bookworm and her mom is a plastic surgeon. Also, due to some snafus, Paula's English assignment was messed up and she now has to finish that as well to add even more problems for Paula. Everything again seems to go well, she even gets to talk with Garth some more. But when she checks her locker in the shower, Paula finds her books, papers and her waitress uniform torn to shreds and covered in a blood red lipstick. May-maybe we need to learn what a lock is in these books.
Paula waitresses the next night, using a spare uniform to replace the tattered one, And the place is packed. Coralynn is there too, still being Coralynn. As Paula places an order, she shoves her hand in her pocket and ends up slashed by a steak knife that was put in there somehow. I get spur of the moment, but how did you not notice a steak knife in your pocket? I mean, there'd be a little more heft than normal, right? Trixie blames Paula for it, which, given how Trixie's been all book, story checks out. She then gives Paula a covered dish to give to Coralynn. And inside is a dead rat that suddenly starts to move. Damn, this Ratatouille sequel got dark.
After all of that goes down and a freaked out Coralynn leaves, Virgilia begins to laugh and sing the Mickey Mouse Club theme. Turns out that it's just a fake toy rat and you know, not a massively concerning health code violation. I mean, this place already seems screwed up, but at least they're not serving up the cast of Capitol Critters. And there's my super dated reference of the book. But Garth is starting to suspect that this prank and all of the others might be just kids blowing off steam from their lives changing from children to adults. Which I guess that's a theory. Paula and Garth go out for a bit with Paula even mentioning that sooner or later she won't have to be a waitress anymore and the two finally kiss. So, a win for Paula at least... for now?
Paula begins to suspect that maybe this is all connected. That it may have been Virgilia involved since she once referred to Coralynn as a rat. And I guess subtlety isn't Virgilia's strong suit. After that, Paula drives home only to have car trouble. She then runs into Cookie. Paula blames Cookie for the whole coup at the party, but Cookie says that the acoustics in the building and the loud music were totally the reasons she didn't step in during the big humiliation. Before Paula accepts a ride with Cookie on her motorcycle, without a helmet, Trixie shows up and takes Paula home. We learn a little about the drive-in. That Cookie worked there until a boy she knew suddenly died of food poisoning, which led to the whole thing being shut down. Couldn't have been Cookie who killed him though, perish the thought.
As Paula checks the answering machine at home, the voice from the call earlier tells her to pretty much pull a Marty Jannetty and throw her head through the window. She then spots Garth in the backyard of the neighbor, Mr. Tucker. When she talks with Garth the next day, he mentions that Cookie mentioned what went down earlier in the night and he was totally going to come over to check on her. Later, Cookie confirms the whole incident at the drive-in. The boy, named Jeff, was an obnoxious shithead who used to cause all sorts of trouble in town. On that fateful night, Cookie told Jeff off just as Garth intervened. After about an hour or so, Jeff started to experience stomach pains and soon died from food poisoning. As in actual poison put in his food.
Paula gets her car checked out to find that there was sugar in the gas tank. Ah, the culprit is Mr. Krabappel! The next day, Virgilia is in a panic because she lost her floppy discs for her school work because this is 1992. When Paula sees inside, she finds a whole bunch of plastic bugs and creatures, including a plastic rat. So her suspicions just ramped up. She tells Garth about it, but Garth thinks that they're totally just references for her science work. Totally not tools used to prank people. PERISH THE THOUGHT. Next day at the diner, Paula sees her teacher Mr. Woods arguing with Trixie over the lack of soyburgers on the menu. If this book were remade, this would be a plant-based argument. He asks for coffee instead and not long after suddenly turns pale and collapses.
So, the diner closes early on account of, you know, so Paula now suspects foul play. But as she heads home, she forgot the script she wrote for the upcoming school musical, so she enters the dark and empty diner. However, she's not alone in the Dog House as she gets caught by someone and blindfolded. The stalker then smashes and destroys a bunch of things, mentioning how accidents happen. Paula recognizes the voice. It's Trixie. Oh no, the woman who has been acting like a complete maniac IS a complete maniac. Who could have predicted? Trixie had heard Paula's claims about wanting to leave, and how she's so much better than her, which was enough to finally cause her to snap.
Paula tries to escape, and even manages to throw eggs on the ground to cause Trixie to slip. But Trixie grabs a meat cleaver and continues to go after her. Unfortunately for Paula, she ends up falling down into the cellar. Trixie then locks her into the giant freezer and leaves, pretty much confirming that I guess her capturing people and locking them in the freezer is a thing she's done before. So, she wasn't serving dog at least... I think. Paula finds the emergency exit and drives off, only for another car with a man honking furiously right behind her. She stops, as does the man, before Paula drives off again. However, turns out that Trixie was in the other car as she's now in Paula's.
So we learn that this definitely has happened before as Trixie tried the same stuff on Virgilia, but she managed to escape. As she puts the knife at Paula's chest, she reveals that it was her who killed Jeff. That Jeff was bragging about a big scholarship, and since I guess Trixie is just really jealous that teenagers have found success while she's still in a replica of Arnold's from Happy Days, it was enough to drive her over the edge. See, Trixie quit high school and spent her whole life as a waitress, and thanks to year after year of teenagers showing up and rubbing their success in her face, it was enough to make her want to kill. All this is going on while Paula's driving, but she manages to hit the brakes, causing Trixie to drop the knife. As Trixie finally starts to panic and show remorse, it's enough time for Paula to drive her to the police station. Though Paula can't seem to find the knife.
Things finally calm down for a while with Trixie arrested and Mr. Woods recovered. We learn that some of the pranks were Trixie's doing, while others were Coralynn's. Surprisingly, despite being run by a murderer who may have literally served up humans, The Dog House stays in business. Now under the supervision of Shep, Trixie's cousin. Things go better as Shep is far nicer and with no more pranks, Paula's life is fine again. When Coralynn enters the diner, Shep says that her days of free meals are over and hands her some soap to get to work with the dishes. So Paula really did get a super happy ending. Maybe she really did get concussed.
The Waitress is decent, but I think it suffers like how Amnesia suffered. And that's that the character we suspect is the villain turns out to be the villain. Which appears to be the Sinclair Smith Achilles heel. Of course it's Trixie, who else could it be? Her introduction is more than enough proof of that. Even when the book red herrings Virgilia or Cookie, it's also way too obvious that it can't be them. Coralynn? Nah, she's more a brat than a criminal mastermind. And Garth also exists to be a possibility, but not entirely possible. The only logical outcome was Trixie. And her motivation at least makes sense. She hated other people's success and it being rubbed in her face. She never applied herself, never managed to find the success that other people attained and thus she ended up being a waitress for the rest of her life, which didn't help considering teens still made her life hell.
Paula is an okay protagonist, but nothing out of the ordinary. You do feel bad for her for all the crap she gets put through, especially in regards to Coralynn. Though, again, is it totally impossible for her to find a better spot to work? What about Scoop's? They could have been hiring. Though lord knows maybe it's actually home to a hidden drug smuggling ring. Still better than Miss Yvonne the murder waitress. Scares are very basic for this type of book and the climax still feels oddly rushed, but still gives us a satisfying ending. No massive gotcha or that Shep is somehow worse. Just a fair enough ending as we move on.
There also appears to just be something missing. The whole dream involving the punch doesn't matter in the end, nor does Cookie's supposed influence. Feels like pieces of the original draft of the book that ultimately just stayed in to pad pages. Which ultimately means that in the end, The Waitress does everything it needs to do for these types of teen horror books, but also feels devoid in some content and also feels like it lacks much of a really compelling bite either. But there have definitely been worse Point books (mostly from Stine) so you could do much, much worse. Definitely worth at least a middle-level recommend. Not exactly the main course, but a solid enough appetizer. Bon Appétit! The Waitress gets a B.
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