The Stinal Countdown: The Definitive Ten #01: Say Cheese and Die!

This July marks the 30th anniversary of Goosebumps. Clearly this requires some sort of big celebration here on the blog where Stine's famed tomes have been given a platform. So I felt the best way to celebrate this occasion is to do another series of blogs based on Goosebumps, specifically the original 62. Except, we're not doing yet another reread/review of the books. Way too soon for anything like that and I mean, the general reviews are still solid enough without much real need for change.

Instead, my idea went far different. How about a series of blogs going deep into the most definitive books in the series? Not necessarily the best, or even the worst, but a mixture of the books that define the series. And thus I've decided to cover what I consider the definitive ten books in the series. The ten books that are most commonly associated in the series. In no particular order as it'd be more fun that way. And thus welcome to the first of these Definitive ten blogs. Expect more of these every now and then until we make it to July.  And what better book to kick this off than with the fourth book in the series. Let's get deep into what make Say Cheese and Die! a definitive book.

On December 16th, 1960, in the midst of its second season, The Twilight Zone aired the episode "A Most Unusual Camera". The plot centers around a trio of crooks who come into possession of a camera. However, when used, the camera doesn't take a picture of the moment, but rather a picture of what's to come. So the three begin to use the camera in order to accurately predict the results of horse races for the purposes of gambling. It all works until the camera soon takes a picture of their deaths, all falling out of the window during their squabble over the camera and its final predictions. Also the waiter at their hotel also dies with them for a nice added jab. 

In November of 1992, R.L. Stine's fourth Goosebumps book was published. Stine was an avid fan of The Twilight Zone, as is evident with much of Goosebumps itself. The entire concept of the twist ending, made famous by the work of Rod Serling would work as the skeleton of what would be the structure of Goosebumps. Stine took inspiration from the Twilight Zone episode by writing up a book about a group of kids finding a mysterious camera that could predict the future. However, Stine ensured it wouldn't just be a retread of Twilight Zone by shifting the POV to one kid in the group and making the camera have no shades of grey. Every photo it takes writes a deadly future for whoever was in the picture.

While Stine was finishing up the book, he still had no definitive title. So he wrote a bunch of titles that he thought could work. Then a title so outlandish and silly popped into his head. He didn't think much of it at first, but then realized the title fit his new children's horror series like a glove. Perfectly representing the horror and comedy elements that were his intentions. And thus Say Cheese and Die! became its official title. 

It had its title and its story, but the key ingredient missing was the cover. Tim Jacobus had already become the main artist for Goosebumps at this point and this would be the third drawing for him. Generally Jacobus would get an outline of what Scholastic would want the cover to look like, but Jacobus was also allowed some artistic freedom if he had a unique idea for a cover. After getting the story outline and the title, Jacobus came up with his own unique piece of art. A way to represent both aspects of the book's title. 

The Say Cheese represented in the front cover being a photograph complete with a white border, while the Die part being represented by depicting a family of skeletons having a barbecue picnic. As absurdist as it is unsettling. As comedic as it is morbid. As vibrant as it is dark. It can be nightmare inducing, while also just as funny to see a skeleton in a chef's hat serving burgers with mom skeleton and her immaculate bob. A perfect representative of what Goosebumps is. Kid friendly horror. It finally dawned on Jacobus that this was the method that Stine was going for with his books And would motivate his style going forward. 

So, when Scholastic and Stine got the cover work, they were rather confused at first. There were no skeletons in the story itself. No moment in Stine's book had such a thing. But everyone loved the piece of art and too felt it represented the story perfectly. And thus Stine threw in a quick mention and that was it. And it has since stood the test of time for being one of the most iconic images in the entirety of Goosebumps. As picture perfect a cover as you could ask for.

The protagonist of the story, a boy named Greg Banks (Yes, played by Ryan Gosling, in a piece of trivia now as overdone as mentioning that the Super Mario 2 outside of Japan is a reskinned Doki Doki Panic) starts the book bored with his friends Shari Walker, Michael Warner and Doug "Bird" Arthur. Being bored children in an R.L. Stine book, they sneak into the abandoned Coffman House. However, the Coffman House has been the squatting territory for a mysterious man named Spidey. After some skulking, Greg finds a strange old camera and takes a picture of Michael on the stairs, only for Michael to fall afterwards. After escaping Spidey, Greg notes that the picture shows Michael falling, when the timeline suggests that would be impossible.

The story escalates further. Greg taking a picture of his dad's new Ford Taurus, only to show it destroyed. A picture of Greg's brother Terry shows him in a frightened state, his friend Bird's picture showing him in a pained position after being beaned by a baseball, and later Shari not being visible in a picture taken of her, causing her to vanish from existence. Greg quickly realizes that the camera can see into the future, but every time it's used, it changes the future to a terrible fate for whoever the camera takes a picture of.

The strength of the story is the concept of the future predicting camera. So while Stine does ape Twilight Zone, he doesn't fully rip off the concept. Instead of a camera that could be used for profit by predicting the future, the camera always predicts an unfortunate future. Instead of a group of crooks fighting for control of the magic camera, the story keeps the camera with Greg and his struggles to keep the camera from causing more trouble. This unfortunately leads to the main flaw of this story. All of the fates are by Greg's own actions. And after seeing what befell the Taurus, Greg could have never used the camera again. Make excuses to Bird and Shari that the camera broke after taking it home. Every action Greg makes is his own fault. 

Therein lies the ultimate Achilles heel of the story. Once Greg takes a picture of the Taurus, the mystery is thrown out the window almost immediately. Stine's biggest flaw is his handling of mysteries. Often he makes things too obvious too soon or he simply doesn't structure things all too well. And while he has some other bad cases throughout, I find Say Cheese and Die's immediate revelation of the dark power of the camera makes everything to follow feel lesser than. Even Shari's disappearance. It's a case of giving us too much too soon. 

While the camera itself is enough of a villain given its actions, the book still needs a threat outside of the camera's powers. And thus we get Dr. Fritz Fredericks AKA Spidey. We learn of why Spidey became how he is at the climax of the book. That in a past life, he was the assistant to a scientist who created a camera that could predict the future. Much like the Twilight Zone episode, Fritz sought out to use the camera for his own selfish gains. But the camera's creator managed to place a curse on the camera, creating its dark future powers. Only Fritz knew of the camera's existence and tried for decades to keep it out of anyone else's hands. Unfortunately he didn't think a bunch of bored kids would sneak into his hidey hole and steal it when he had his back turned.

While the book offers very little of Spidey, we get enough to see what those years of keeping the camera have done to him. Broken him mentally to the point that he fears the camera and the danger it causes. And it's almost enough to make him a sympathetic villain. That is until he sneaks into Greg's house and tears up his room, searching for the camera. And in the end, when Greg and Shari bring the camera back in an attempt to wash their hands of the whole ordeal, he threatens them and tries to keep them from leaving. Shari uses the camera on him and the shock of having his picture taken by the camera kills him instantly. The photo showing him dead of fright. But was that the future made by the camera or Spidey's own fear and anxiety finally doing him in? Good enough question to leave the reader on, eh?

Horror is an important element of any Goosebumps book. The strongest stories are the ones where you remember the most harrowing scenes. And while Say Cheese and Die has to make middling reasonings for why the horror happens, Stine still adds some solid stuff. The Taurus picture may come early in the story, but is at least responsible for one of the better moments in the book. Greg's family going on a ride in the new car, while Greg fears that they're driving to their doom. Only for the family to survive nearly crashing into a truck, enough to make Greg think the camera was wrong. 

And while I rag on the earliness of the Taurus picture to the plot, the Taurus drive scene at least works for making the reader question what's up. Though when we learn it later does happen and Mr. Banks almost dies, it feels like a serious moment and is enough of a payoff. As is the mystery of the missing Shari. Add in the final encounter with Spidey, as well as the addition of the bullies Joey Ferris and Mickey Ward. It's a book that actually features tension used in the right places. And while Greg doesn't offer much uniqueness to his character, he serves as a solid avatar for the reader. 

Now, let's talk legacy. Because Say Cheese and Die! would be a book with sequels. And they are a mixed bag. I've talked on about how Say Cheese and Die—Again! is a book that is not just bad, but genuinely harmful in how it treats weight gain as something to be joked and ridiculed over in a story that feels like it barely needed to tie into the first book in the first place. Fast forward to HorrorLand and Say Cheese—And Die Screaming! which did away with Greg and the original origins for the camera. Instead focusing on a girl named Julie Martin who encounters the camera in a garage sale and soon learns it can cause a disastrous future. Finally there's the IDW Goosebumps comics with Download and Die! which, while not directly connected, still feels someone similar to the concept of the original book. Overall, it's a book that stayed enough in the consciousness of Stine over the years and didn't vanish like Shari did.

So, how is this book considered a definitive ten? From its cover being iconic to many of the details of the story's plot, the book becomes one of the most memorable. Far from perfect and lacking in the real bite needed to feel superior to other books, but it all still feels like it fits what Goosebumps represents. Horror involving the seemingly familiar mixed with the foreign and macabre. All wrapped up into an easy to swallow package that leaves a lasting impact on those who read it or saw its cover for the first time. Probably one of the better early books in terms of structure alone. And feeling fresh from its inspirations in having it stand on its own two feet. Possibly being more memorable for the 90s generation than the Twilight Zone episode.

While there are definitely stronger overall books in the definitive ten, and some just far better in terms of a total package, Say Cheese and Die! is definitely a definitive ten book in terms of cover and its general story, as flimsy as it can be. It's far from picture perfect, but when it comes to picking out the most important books of the original 62, it definitely makes it with a photo finish. Or at least it deserves it for the amazing chapter end line of "Are there any more potatoes?". Clearly Stine was already asking the big questions.