It's time to complete our coverage on the parenting skills of the families of the original 62 Goosebumps books. A lot of interesting cases in the past 46 books, but now we enter the final 16 (technically 15 I guess, but the point remains). Who comes out smelling like a rose and who should probably be separated from their kin? And who are the ultimate best and worst parents of the series? Let's find out.
As per usual, the grades are as follows:
GOOD Parents
AVERAGE Parents
BAD Parents
Call CPS!!!
LEGEND OF THE LOST LEGEND: Much like the Blakes from The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena, the Clarke family also feature an explorer dad. Only this one is more looking for legendary scripts instead of a giant snow beast. I can see this situation being different from the Blakes as maybe this is more normal for Justin and Marissa over Jordan and Nicole who usually have a sitter. Still, bringing his kids on dangerous quests wouldn't make him good in some ways, though not the worst either? More in the middle, even if he's putting them in danger. Mr. Clarke: AVERAGE Parent.
ATTACK OF THE JACK-O'-LANTERNS: The Brockmans feature very little in the story itself, but still have one important moment that makes them higher in the good column. Actual concern about the safety of Drew given the reports of mysterious disappearances in the area. Mrs. Brockman is against Drew trick-or-treating given the situation, which is definitely in the right, while Mr. Brockman trusts his daughter's intelligence and intuition to keep herself out of danger. So hey, a pair of parents who actually respect their child and want them to be safe. Neat. Though, we do have the crappy nicknames from Mr. Brockman, but I don't look at it as bad as some others can get. More an inability to realize what those words can do to someone's self esteem. But, yeah, easy high marks here. Mr. and Mrs. Brockman: GOOD Parents.
VAMPIRE BREATH: We have another The Girl Who Cried Monster situation as we learn that not only are Freddy and his parents revealed to be vampires, but Count Nightwing is Freddy's grandfather. However unlike Lucy Dark, Freddy wasn't aware of any of this. Though if Freddy's a vampire, has he ever walked out in the sunlight? Does he go to night school? What even would be his social life? I guess that the vampirism is bestowed upon him at the right age so that's all moot, but maybe his parents should have been more open to him about how his life was going to go. Can't go bad, can't go good, but enough in the middle I suppose. Mr. and Mrs. Martinez: AVERAGE Parents.
CALLING ALL CREEPS!: So, it's safe to say that Ricky Beamer's life sucks, or at least sucked until the end of the book, take of its ending however you want. We know how the school life is a mess for him, but Ricky's parents are no better, at one point mocking him over the whole creeps stuff since, of course, they don't believe him about it. Maybe if they just kept watching the weather channel and nothing else, they'd slide with an average, but nope. Let's just drive their son's self esteem right down the toilet. Ultimately, Mr. and Mrs. Beamer: BAD Parents.
BEWARE, THE SNOWMAN: Situation in this book is interesting. Mother dies before the book begins and we have no idea as to who Jaclyn's father is until the reveal at the end. So really the only parental figure we can cover is Aunt Greta. And she falls into the category of too secretive. Granted, given how Jaclyn laughed off Rolonda and Eli, would I be surprised if she heard Greta talk about evil snowmen and the spell and laughed at her as well? A case of the too secretive parent, but far from bad or horrible. Aunt Greta: AVERAGE Parent so as much as average counts in this series. Conrad's hard to grade as while he does try to stop Jaclyn, he doesn't reveal anything to her until the end. Probably in the same position that Greta's in, so I'll at least call him AVERAGE at the very least.
HOW I LEARNED TO FLY: We've covered a lot of bad parents. But when it comes to Jack Johnson's parents, they are definitely among the worst. Mr. Johnson is a talent agent and the book brings up both of Jack's parents trying to desperately find something that will make them rich and famous. So when everyone discovers that Jack can fly, Jack goes from their son to their meal ticket. They get to enjoy the fruits of Jack's success while his social life is taken away from him. It's easily among the scummiest the parents get in these books and for a kid whose life already kind of sucks, you feel even worse for Jack here. So, while Jack's remaining fame was ultimately determined in a contest, it's no contest here. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson: CALL CPS!!!
CHICKEN CHICKEN: Crystal and Cole's parents suffer from the same thing that most people in this book seem to suffer from. They just are unable to notice that their kids are suddenly afflicted with something. Granted, a lot of that is from Crystal and Cole trying to hide it, but, like, when your kid has rock hard lips and is clucking, maybe it's time to see what's going on exactly. I wouldn't say CPS, but they are pretty awful regardless. Though there's also just the general weirdness of giving up your computing job to start a chicken farm, so there's that as well. Crystal and Cole's parents: BAD Parents.
DON'T GO TO SLEEP!: Mrs. Amsterdam seems to have a lot on her plate. Dealing with three kids is already a hassle, so I can see why she's so hesitant to let Matt turn the guest bedroom into his bedroom. Though given she also really doesn't do much to stifle Jim and Pam from their bullying, it doesn't paint her in the best light either. She does eventually let Matt have the guest bedroom, but you know way past the point where he'd want it anymore, so that's at least nicer than most. It's tricky, but I'll again have to hit on an average due to not being the worst, but more on point with these parents. Mrs. Amsterdam: AVERAGE Parent.
THE BLOB THAT ATE EVERYONE: Mr. and Mrs. Beauchamp seem fine. They don't get too much in the story themselves (actually being written out by Zackie unintentionally at one point), but what little we get at least shows us a pair of parents who, while they don't understand the need for Zackie's typewriter, are at least supportive of his interests, even fixing the typewriter up and putting in a new ink ribbon. So, for parents who are cool with their kid's interest in writing, that's more than fair enough for them to be in the good column: Mr. and Mrs. Beauchamp: GOOD Parents.
THE CURSE OF CAMP COLD LAKE: The Maas parents don't have much of a role other than to send the kids to camp. Otherwise we just have Mr. Maas calling Sarah "Grasshopper" because of her legs and, yeah, that stinks. I get it's in jest and not meant to be harmful, but it can also be things that are detrimental to someone's self esteem. And given Sarah's demeanor for most of the book, maybe that's a small part of it. I wouldn't say bad, but definitely more average. Mr. and Mrs. Maas: AVERAGE Parents.
MY BEST FRIEND IS INVISIBLE: Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs are scientists, which means it's one of Stine's more run to the ground tropes. Scientists who simply can't believe in paranormal things like invisible children. No, Sammy must be going crazy. Maybe he should see a doctor instead. And sure, that would make sense if only for one thing: They're aliens. Everyone but Brent Green is a non-human alien. A species that has clearly taken over earth and have brought most of the human race to extinction. So, why suddenly would they have a hard time grasping invisibility, especially since they're inventing a beam that can show hidden things at the same time this is happening? My god this book becomes more of a narrative mess when you think about it. But, ultimately I wouldn't put them in CPS territory as they aren't as abusively bad as some parents get, just more ignorant and unwilling to believe the truth in what they don't understand. Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs: BAD Parents.
DEEP TROUBLE II: Covered in Part Two
THE HAUNTED SCHOOL: We know little of Tommy Frazer's parents to really gauge them. All we know is that Mr. Frazer has since remarried and because of that the family ended up moving, leading to Tommy's situation at Bell Valley Middle School. We don't even know what the relationship between Tommy and his stepmom really is as the book says that things went through so quick that he doesn't even really know her that well. But clearly she's the one in control of the family and the one who made the decision to move, so doesn't really make her come off that well, but once again, we have no clue what her intentions were to judge. So I guess it's ultimately an average grade here. Mr. and Mrs. Frazer: AVERAGE Parents.
WEREWOLF SKIN: Since we can't cover Alex's parents, we have to cover Uncle Colin and Aunt Marta instead. And they pretty much fall back in the secretive relative trope. Though, granted, while they still don't tell Alex what's going on, even creating the bogus backstory of the Marling family, I can at least see that they want to keep Alex safe. A bit too extreme in doing so, but I can see why they'd not want him out and about while they hunt. Though is that more to keep Alex safe, or to keep the skins safe? That's the real question here. I can't say good, but not the worst either. Fine-ish I guess. Colin and Marta: AVERAGE Relatives.
I LIVE IN YOUR BASEMENT!: Marco/Keith's mother is a good mother/slime monster. Granted, an overly protective mother, but given what befell Keith at the baseball game and the psycho trip that was his concussion-related hallucinations, maybe she wasn't that wrong to warn him to not interact with the humans and stay hidden in the shadows of Marco's basement. Though you could consider her helicopter parenting really getting on Keith's nerves, so it's just as toxic. This is more of a case of whichever way you want to interpret this outcome more than most in the series, but I'd say she's fine. Marco/Keith's mother: GOOD Parent.
MONSTER BLOOD IV: And to finish us off, let's talk about Aunt Dee. Aunt Dee is Kermit's mother and while yes, she seems to trust Kermit and allow him to do whatever he wants with his experiments, she's at least more supportive than most. Sadly, that's a double-edged sword as she will believe Kermit at face value, especially when it involves Kermit getting Evan in trouble. So this is definitely a case of instilling the worst traits into her kid. But, granted, even with everything Kermit's done to Evan and even getting him in a lot of trouble, Dee doesn't kick him out of his babysitting job, so that's a positive. In the end, she's much like a lot of Monster Blood books: A frustrating mess. Aunt Dee: BAD Parent/Relative.
And that's all 62 books covered. So, which parents rank the best and the worst? Who is the saint and the sinner? Let's break that down.
BEST PARENTS/RELATIVES: MR. AND MRS. MORRIS (ONE DAY AT HORRORLAND)
RUNNERS UP:
1. Mr. And Mrs. Caldwell (The Haunted Mask)
2. Mr. And Mrs. Brockman (Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns)
3. Mr. and Mrs. Boswell (The Haunted Mask II)
4. Mr. and Mrs. Boyd (My Hairiest Adventure)
5. Dr. D (Deep Trouble I and II)
WORST PARENTS/RELATIVES: GRANDPA DAVE AND GRANDMA MIRIAM (HOW TO KILL A MONSTER)
RUNNERS UP:
1. Bradford and Agatha Sadler (Ghost Beach)
2. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson (How I Learned to Fly)
3. Mr. And Mrs. Webster (The Cuckoo Clock of Doom)
4. Mr. and Mrs. Kramer (Night of the Living Dummy II)
5. Mr. and Mrs. Banks (Say Cheese and Die!)
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