A Case of the Bumps: Mommy's Alright, Daddy's Alright (Part 1)

Because Goosebumps Parents. It's become my little catchphrase when it comes to covering Goosebumps. The reason mainly comes from the fact that the parents in Goosebumps are often written the same way. Not willing to believe the claims from their kids about something weird going on. Some have ulterior motives as to their disbelief, others play favorites with their kids and damning the older sibling, many are just there and lack much to really talk about. And, once in a blue moon there are decent parents who actually seem receptive and even get involved in the story. So without much ado, let's talk about the parents of Goosebumps. This is going to stick to the original 62 just so I'm not here having to cover every horrible act of parenting (and an excuse not to have to dredge up Revenge R Us). And, so this isn't long as hell, I'll cover a batch at a time. 

These will be the grades for each set of parents:

GOOD Parents
AVERAGE Parents
BAD Parents
Call CPS!!! 

WELCOME TO DEAD HOUSE: The Benson parents play a minor role in the story, mostly the frustrations of having to deal with Amanda and Josh's complaints about Dark Falls as well as Petey's disappearance, which nobody actually does much about until later on. They end up the unfortunate captors of the Dark Falls crowd and given they know that it's time for the family to split, this puts them in good favor. Mr. and Mrs. Benson: GOOD Parents.

STAY OUT OF THE BASEMENT: Well Mrs. Brewer checks out of the book super early, giving the hint of possible relationship issues between herself and Dr. Brewer. We follow the book not knowing which is which. Are we dealing mostly with plant dad, or real dad? Speaking of which, you could consider both Dr. Brewer's secrecy and him bringing the dangerous experiments that got him fired from Polytech a sign of bad parenting. And even by the end, it's hard to tell if the Dr. Brewer who succeeded was the real one. Was the flower telling the truth? I'll chalk much of Brewer's mistakes as absentmindedness. He doesn't come off as a saint, and the family seems still rocky. So it doesn't even seem like a happy enough ending. So, while not as horrible as other parents, still Mr. and Mrs. Brewer: BAD Parents.

MONSTER BLOOD I-IV: Mr. and Mrs. Ross are barely featured in all four of the Monster Blood books. Perhaps the most they're featured is Monster Blood II as we set up Mr. Ross being a sculptor which is only important for the giant wheel later. For the most part, aside from leaving him at Kathryn's there isn't much to say about them. Mr. and Mrs. Ross: AVERAGE Parents. We aren't done with the Monster Blood books, but more on that when we get to the end of the twenties.

SAY CHEESE AND DIE!/SAY CHEESE AND DIE—AGAIN!: Mr. and Mrs. Banks don't play too much of a role in either book. Going by what they do in both books though, they're no saints. In the first book, Mr. Banks has the family go on a night drive in his new Taurus. Unbeknownst to the family, son Greg took a picture of the car, showing it totaled. So this means that Mr. Banks gets a little too reckless and almost gets his family killed via head-on collision with a truck. He then gets himself injured later when the Taurus crashes. We get one of our first moments of ignoring concerns from Mrs. Banks at the hospital. And if you think that's bad, in book two, after a photo of Greg turns him fat, they chalk up their son's ballooning weight to an allergic reaction instead of, you know, being concerned that their son is on the verge of death. While far from abusive, they still put family members in danger and show little to no concern for their health and safety. Mr. and Mrs. Banks: CALL CPS!!!

THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY'S TOMB: Gabe's parents play a minor role in the early parts of the first book before handing him off to Uncle Ben. And they straight up don't appear in the second as Gabe starts on the plane to Cairo without them. Not much with them except for dealing with his complaints about the heat of Egypt, so I guess that averages them out at least. We'll get to Uncle Ben more with the sequel. But for now, Mr. and Mrs. Sabry: AVERAGE Parents.

LET'S GET INVISIBLE!: Max and Lefty's parents don't get much in the book, save for one scene where Mrs. Thompson raises her arms and clearly cusses something in frustration. That aside, they seem pretty okay. Not really much to say here. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson: GOOD Parents.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DUMMY: Parents in the dummy books all follow very similar formulas, though the Powells don't come off as bad. Still, it was Mr. Powell who bought Mr. Wood for Kris. Mrs. Powell is also very authoritative and forces the girls to cut out the issues with the dummies after Lindy goes too far with the fridge incident. Still, neither believe Kris when the actual antics of Mr. Wood go on, but at least in this case there's never a reason for them to fully believe her either. So they get off a bit easier than most. Mr. and Mrs. Powell: AVERAGE Parents.

THE GIRL WHO CRIED MONSTER: So, this one is tricky. Mr. and Mrs. Dark are a complicated pair. They definitely have the traits of not listening to Lucy, both due to her history of tall tales and their own hubris in believing that no other monster would dare show up in town. They seem to be a pair of monsters who enjoy having complete control and power. And that clearly rubbed off on Lucy. But, while you could argue if Mr. Mortman deserved his fate (#JusticeForMortman), the parents eating and killing him after Lucy reveals the truth could also be a sign of good parenting. Though it might be more to ensure they remain the top beasts in town. So, despite the one act, I don't think it fully absolves them. The Dark family just kind of suck in total. Mr. and Mrs. Dark: BAD Parents.

WELCOME TO CAMP NIGHTMARE: We don't get anything from Billy's parents until the end of the book when the revelation of what Camp Nightmoon really is. That it was all a training course to see if Billy would be prepared enough to go to Earth with them. So yes, while it's a bit screwy to throw him into a situation he has no clue about, the test still worked and showed the kind of character Billy has. Although, them dropping Billy into such a scenario that almost led to him offing the head of the camp could be considered a negative. But this is still to plan an expedition to another planet. It's complicated enough to not be bad or CPS, so I still consider it enough to be on the good side. Billy's parents: A moral gray era, but still GOOD Parents/Aliens?

THE GHOST NEXT DOOR: So this one's tricky since Hannah's family are all dead and that revelation isn't made until later in the book. That the visions of her family are a mix of her own memories and a way for her spirit to not go into the next world. Overall, it seems that Hannah's (and Bill and Herb's) parents are good to them and hardly mistreat her. Although they should have set some rules, or at least been around to supervise Hannah's outdoor campout so that, you know, she wouldn't end up burning down the house. But, that blame can be more put on Hannah than them. Hannah's Parents: GOOD Parents. 

THE HAUNTED MASK: I'll keep this to mainly the first book given the second features a different protagonist, though my thoughts bleed into that one as well. And honestly, Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell are our best parents yet. Granted, Mrs. Caldwell literally sculpting a plaster head of her daughter like it's the Lionel Richie head is a bit of a creepy thing to do. But it does represent how important Carly Beth is to her. It's as strong a representation of a symbol of love that you could ask for. Mr. Caldwell gets nothing in the first book, but in The Haunted Mask II, we see that he's pretty awesome too, not being happy that his daughter is being called by some creepy old man, even if it is just Steve in the mask. So yeah, high marks all around. Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell: GOOD Parents.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR: Mr. and Mrs. Byrd really don't play too much of a role in the story. The majority of the plot focuses on Sam's issues with Clarissa and Judith, so the parents are mostly absent. So, yeah. Not much to report. Mr. and Mrs. Byrd: AVERAGE Parents. 

PIANO LESSONS CAN BE MURDER:  So, this is definitely one of the first major non-believing parents, at least human ones in this case. But, to their credit, much like Lucy, Jerry's pranks are reason enough for them to not believe him in his stories of a ghost haunting the piano. So, they're far from the worst in these scenarios. They do send him to therapy, which may be a bit excessive, though given how Jerry really wants to kill their cat, I can't blame them for sending him off to a shrink. Mr. and Mrs. Hawkins: AVERAGE Parents.  

THE WEREWOLF OF FEVER SWAMP: Mr. and Mrs. Tucker kind of suck. Both are scientists, and because it's a Stine trait, they are the kind who can't believe in superstition. So they don't believe Grady's claims of a werewolf. They also are super quick to blame Wolf (or Vandal in the episode) when the swamp deer get attacked and are at one point set to get rid of the dog by taking it to the pound. So much like the Hawkins family, they are the atypical parents that Stine will latch on to very soon. And while not the worst examples, still pretty awful regardless. Mr. and Mrs Tucker: BAD Parents.

And that's a solid spot to wrap up on. Next time, we'll continue to look through the killer's row of cruddy parents and soon see just how soon Stine uses his worst crutches.