The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps SlappyWorld #14: Fifth-Grade Zombies

It's time to dive into the newest (at least to the point of writing this blog) edition of Goosebumps SlappyWorld. One that by the sounds of things had a bit of development hell before we got the final work. I mean, after Monster Blood is Back, I don't know what to expect coming into these now, but let's see what's going on with Fifth-Grade Zombies.

If anyone was to take the helm from Tim Jacobus, am I ever glad it was Brandon Dorman because when he's on he is on. And this cover may be his best to date. Just some incredible detail to the zombie kids. Things you notice off the bat like the glowing yellow eyes, the torn clothing, the lack of a nose on the girl zombie, but even things you notice by looking a bit harder like girl zombie's arm tearing apart on the bars. This feels like a cover that would stand its own with the classics in terms of actual frightening appeal. Although I can't get over the kid on the left. He looks like Jeff from Earthbound. If I learn that Brandon Dorman is a fan of the Mother series, I may have a new hero.

We open our story with our protagonist, Todd Coates, on a bus headed to Moose Hollow, Wisconsin. Todd's a city kid, born and raised in Queens, New York, but with his parents on a long business trip, he'll be spending the year at his Aunt Clara and Uncle Jake's farm. It's not all bad as he at least has his cousins Mila and Skipper to hang around with. Todd also carries with him a red lighter that his Grandpa Dave gave him before he passed. Todd doesn't even know if it works, just that it has sentimental value, which means it likely has zero actual value in the story then since that's an old Goosebumps staple. He also carries his harmonica everywhere. He starts playing before the bus driver kicks him off the bus. He didn't even tap a sign or anything. But thankfully it's Todd's stop anyway.

Todd meets his family. The aunt and uncle are fine, and Mila seems to get along with him great as well. Skipper however is more of a joker. Todd notes how tall he is, and his frog-like voice, as if puberty didn't finish the job completely. Todd gets in the truck and chats a bit before noticing some giant rodents in the fields. Skipper tells him that they're field rats. They're rabid and a bite from them is instant death with no cure. Mila manages to get Skipper to stop the conversation, but Todd's left wondering if Skipper's full of it or not. 

Everyone make it to the farm where Skipper and Mila take Todd to his new room. But there's someone in Todd's bed! It's no Goldilocks, but it is a scarecrow that Skipper put in the bed because, well, we've established Skipper's douchebaggery. He then mentions that he sees scarecrows moving in the cornfields at night. Oh, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong book. I thought this was Fifth-Grade Zombies not The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight II. 

Later that night, Mila drags Todd to the cornfields for the Harvest Moon. Things seem a bit weird with Mila, who is exuberant, but also making odd growling noises. Mila disappears and Todd begins to hear strange noises, and someone whispering that "the corn wants you, Todd". Mila and Skipper show up, saying that Todd must have lost them. He mentions the noises and the whispers, but they're both confused. But it also seems they're being secretive. Even Aunt Clara and Uncle Jake. Later, Todd overhears Mila and Skipper arguing about something before Skipper then apologizes for all the scares since arriving. He then tells Todd that the whispers were just in his head. But later that night, Todd sees something moving in the cornfields. Todd heads outside and sees it. It's a bunch of zombie kids. Possibly of the fifth-grade variety.

Todd wakes up the family and drags them out to see the zombies, but the zombies are nowhere to be seen. Skipper asks if Todd watches The Walking Dead, which again, I know this is literally a book that came out a week ago since this blog was posted, but it feels so weird to get references to Walking Dead and Minecraft. Todd searches for evidence and finds a worn out shoe, which Skipper says belongs to him. After a quick nightmare about zombies in New York, Todd searches the cornfields for more clues. He finds fresh holes in the ground, like open graves, but the family tell him that it's just raccoons. 

The next day, Todd meets Mila's friend Shameka, who was also once from New York. She and Todd get along well, and we learn that both Mila and Shameka are part of a band. Though they're not fond of Todd's harmonica playing. Their band is also called Canned Meat, which they don't mention as to why just yet. Also, Shameka's family has a state of the art chicken coop. In the midst of the impressive chicken coopery, Shameka mentions something about fifth-graders from Ann Arbor, which Mila tries to quiet her about, but now we learn just what's going on. Five years ago, a group of fifth-graders went to the cornfields of Mila's farm and never came out. They just disappeared. 

Todd laughs at this, because despite, you know, his concerns about the zombie kids, he thinks Shameka and Mila are trying to scare him. They try to tell him that there's more, but they get interrupted. Later that day, while riding bikes with Skipper, Todd hears strange howling in the cornfield. But Skipper says it's just feral cats. The next day, Todd begins school in Moose Hollow. He meets the principal, Mrs. Bane, before arriving in Ms. Opperman's class. Things go well enough, Todd even befriending a boy named Owen. Todd goes to get his backpack when he spots a strange gray bus pull into the parking lot. A bus that is totaled in front. He sees some kids leaving the bus, looking rather grim and sinister. He doesn't get much of an answer as to who they are just yet, but for the first time since the story, he's starting to believe Mila and Shameka. 

Later, Todd sees a room labeled "Room 5-Z". He goes to see what's up, but is stopped by Owen who says he'd best leave all this alone. At dinner that night, he again tries to bring this all up, but keeps getting intentionally interrupted. Aunt Clara then tells him that he shouldn't ask questions, and that it's a law for all kids to go to school. Not really much for him to go by, but it's enough to conclude that everyone's keeping secrets. Todd returns to the cornfields and soon sees the broken down bus arrive and the strange kids exit into the cornfields. This gives Todd enough time to investigate, where he sees the bus is a wreck, with flies buzzing everywhere. And, just as bad, he finds a shoe with a foot still inside.

Todd exits the bus and sees the kids in the cornfield, including one girl who coughs up bugs and points a skeletal finger at him before the kids continue to wander through the field. He tries to tell Mila, but she cries, still not telling him anything. Shameka gives no answers either. The next day at school, Todd tells Owen that he's going to see just what Room 5-Z really is. He ducks into his locker when he sees a pair of men enter the room with a cart labeled "Canned Meat". After they leave, Todd enters the room and sure enough finds zombie kids, including Shameka and Mila. 

Freaked out, Todd runs off, but gets caught by Mila and Shameka. They reveal that they were telling the truth. The kids did go into the cornfield and mysteriously died. But, since there's a law requiring all kids to go to school, even the undead ones, the kids are brought to Room 5-Z and fed canned meat so they won't feast on the other students. Todd is understandably frustrated that this was all kept from him, but Mila and Shameka say that they need to keep the zombies a secret, or it will ruin Moose Hollow as reporters will all start to fill the town. They also reveal that they too are zombies, dragged into the cornfields by the original zombie kids. But they're far less decayed than their counterparts.

Mila and Shameka's moods then change. They tell Todd that he has to come with them to the cornfield, to be immortal forever. They start to drag him, but Skipper shows up in time to stop them. But tis a ruse, as Skipper ends up taking Todd to the cornfields because of course he's a zombie too. The zombies rise from the fields and surround Todd. He tries to think of what to do, then remembers his lighter. The one Grandpa Dave gave him. Maybe he can burn the cornfield. He grabs the lighter and...

The lighter doesn't work. So, like I said earlier, an item we think matters, but ultimately doesn't. Shameka and the others tell Todd that he'll be immortal forever. That's enough for Todd to finally accept his fate, so long as he's allowed to play harmonica in the band. So, happy-dark ending? 

Fifth-Grade Zombies, the version we got, is okay. It doesn't really tread too much into new areas for these types of Goosebumps books. A very basic mystery story with some actual creepy imagery (particularly the bus and the girl coughing bugs). The only problem is everything else is super predictable. The reveal that Mila, Skipper and Shameka are zombies was an outcome you could see coming a mile away. But, I feel like something's just really missing that does hurt the book significantly. We never learn why the cornfield turned them into zombies. 

Was Skipper's claims of the rabid rats true? Did their bite turn the kids to zombies? Is it like some sort of magic corn? Or is the corn, I don't know, contaminated with a chemical that turned them into zombies? Why exactly is it such a law to keep all the kids contained in school, aside from the concern about the zombie kids? Is Stine just trying to do a "Children of the Corn" thing without it feeling like the actual Children of the Corn series? It just feels like once we start getting an explanation, Stine veers immediately to Mila and Shameka trying to turn Todd into a zombie. The twist is fine at least, probably the only way to end this book. And thank god it's not another "it was all a dream" twist.

So I mentioned development hell in the intro. This is a book that had a completely different synopsis before release. The original plot was about a foursome of friends, Scarlett Martenson, Ross, Annie and Owen (the only name retained in the final release) who were massive zombie fans. Often dressing up as zombies and scaring people. But things seem to take a strange turn when they meet a weird old woman named Granny Z. And that's all we really know of that original version. I'm guessing that the kids would turn into real zombies and had to find a way to cure themselves. I wonder if Stine hit a harder wall, having a generally interesting idea but not knowing how to construct a book around it, so he restarted and went with a safer book using most of his regular tropes to get this one done. 

In the end, it leaves us with a book that's just fine. Probably the most mediocre of the SlappyWorld books I've covered so far, but nothing that feels too offensive either. A middle of the road offering if ever there was one. A book with wasted potential, but uses what it has to at least be decent. Fifth-Grade Zombies is a book that is far from a dead end, but still feels like it'll decay far faster than most Goosebumps tales. 

STORY: GG.5

SCARES: GGG

TWIST: GGG

ENJOYMENT: GG.5

OVERALL: 2.5 Gs