CONTENT WARNING: THIS BLOG DEALS WITH DISCUSSION OF PEDOPHILIA AND CHILD MOLESTATION/GROOMING. IF EITHER ARE A TRIGGERING TOPIC, THEN THIS MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR READING.
Oh yeah. I remember this one. To be more specific, I remember the ending of this one. You don't forget a twist like that, or a book like this either. But, will I find appreciation for this the second time around, or are the yolks on me? Let's get crackin' with Egg Monsters From Mars.
EGG MONSTERS FROM MARS
RELEASE MONTH: April, 1996
FRONT TAGLINE: They're no yolk!
COVER STORY
What's interesting about Goosebumps is that while the covers can feature slimy stuff, they never go for a gross out vibe. Not even something as obvious as Go Eat Worms! did that. But in the case of Egg Monsters From Mars, that is a serious exception to the rule. The detail of the runny yolk of the egg monster is incredibly detailed and just as incredibly gross. Add in the dark black eyes with the tiny beady pupils and you have a memorable monster from the franchise. Other than that, we got some of Tim's tropes in spades with the warped perspective and the tiled floor. Although it being a kitchen, it at least makes more sense there I guess.
WHICH CAME FIRST, THE MONSTER OR THE EGG?
An egg hunt. That's what Dana Johnson's bratty little sister, Brandy, wants to have at her birthday party. And whatever Brandy wants, Brandy gets.
Dana's not big on egg hunts. But that was before he found the egg. It's not like a normal egg. It's about the size of a softball. It's covered with ugly blue and purple veins
And it's starting to hatch...
STORY
We open our story as our protagonist, Dana Johnson, is at his sister Brandy's birthday party. He's not too thrilled about it, but at least spends some time with his friend Anne Gravel. She brings up that when Dana was Brandy's age he would have a whole bunch of Ninja Turtles stuff, to which he's embarrassed by. Dude, nobody every truly outgrows the Ninja Turtles, and I say this as a 36 year old who has the entire original series on DVD and still play the Nintendo games. But it's 1996 so it's a case of "oh, I'm sophisticated now", but let's be honest, he's the kind of kid who would still play the Coming Out of Their Shells tape when given the chance.
To get Dana out of his funk, Anne suggests challenging him to see who could find the most eggs. As he looks around he finds an egg and places in his basket. As he does so, he sees that the other kids have just decided to have an egg fight instead and throw the eggs at each other, creating a big mess. Dana is about to follow suit, but he notices his egg is weird. Softball-sized with a green shell and veiny bumps all over it. It also seems to be moving. He goes to show Anne, but trips over a dog and falls on the egg. Oddly, the egg doesn't take any damage.
Dana shows Anne, but she just grabs the egg from him and throws it at the kids who also toss it around a bit. It doesn't take any damage from that either, as if it has a steel shell. Dana thinks it might be a turtle egg and takes it to his room to learn more later. He heads downstairs as he sees Brandy and their parents going at it over the mess made from the egg fiasco. Brandy blames her mother for soft-boiling them, then has the gall to ask for a make-your-own-sundae party next time. Keep this up and you'll get a karate chop to the neck party instead!
That night, Dana notices the egg is throbbing stronger and is hot to the touch. He tries to tell his parents, but given the events of the day have no interest in talking about any more eggs. And while, yes, a Goosebumps Parents-ish moment, in this case I'm siding with them. The egg soon hatches, and out comes a strange yolk-like creature. Dana goes to tell his parents, but they took Brandy for her piano lessons. Hopefully the school isn't run by a hand-obsessed custodian and his robot pals. Dana's next idea is to go show Anne. Problem is he has no clue how to carry this runny yolk monster. So he shovels it into a shoebox and heads off.
Dana arrives at Anne's while they're conveniently eating scrambled eggs, which is what Anne thinks the egg monster is. It's enough to give us a fake out where he thinks the monster is being poured into a garbage disposal, but that's not the case. He finally shows Anne that it's alive and she too is confused. But she suggests that Dana check out the laboratory on Denver Street. Maybe the people there will have some sort of idea. As Dana arrives there, he sees that the lab is closed. But before he leaves, a man in a lab coat with salt-and-pepper hair opens the door. He introduces himself as Dr. Gray and is very interested in what Dana has.
Dr. Gray invites Dana into his lab and explains that this egg monster is one of many. Some time ago, these eggs, possibly from Mars, crash landed in town. He's been searching for as many as possible and has quite the collection in his walk-in freezer. Dana is excited about this, but decides to make his leave and, quicker than you can say "Stranger Danger", Dr. Gray has other plans. He throws Dana into the freezer and locks him in, saying that he needs to study Dana to see if the egg monsters had any effect on him. So, Dana's stuck in a freezer with egg monsters that may, or may not be from Mars, we never get that confirmation.
Dana tries to break the window of the freezer, but has no luck. Time passes and his dad shows up at the lab, asking if he was there. But Dr. Gray lies and tells him that Dana never showed up. Dana tries to find a way to get his dad's attention in the freezer, but no such luck. Because like all clever scientists/kidnappers, Dr. Gray soundproofed the freezer and put in a one-way window. Definitely the kind of stuff that makes it quite clear that Dana is far from this weirdo's first victim. He then tells Dana that he'll be experimented on the next day and leaves the boy to freeze overnight. As Dana freezes in the freezer, the egg monsters suddenly wrap themselves around him, creating a weird egg blanket that warms him up.
The next day, Dr. Gray opens up the freezer and sees the egg blanket. He freaks out, believing that Dana ruined the monsters. He throws the blanket off Dana then threatens to leave him in there to freeze to death. Suddenly the egg blanket leaps at Dr. Gray and attacks him, giving Dana a chance to leave. When he gets his parents to the lab, both Dr. Gray and the egg monsters are gone.
TWIST ENDING
A day later, Anne calls Dana over to play Battle Chess (which is a game Stine brings up a lot). As Dana heads there, he feels strange. Then suddenly he lays the biggest egg ever. That's right. This twelve year old child laid an egg. Does... does that mean the alien blanket just...
WHAT THE HELL, STINE!!!???
CONCLUSION
REMINDER: THIS CONCLUSION IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH ONE, SO FINAL WARNING.
I think Egg Monsters From Mars is a weird book. One of the weirdest and that's saying a lot. I think I've warmed to it a bit more over time. It sets up the general creepiness of the egg monster pretty well and we get a description of a rather eerie creature. Dana is also just okay as a protagonist, but nothing special. The story flows well and even does a few decent fake out scares that do work for once. But what makes it work best is the subversion of the story. That we expect the villains to be the egg monsters when instead it's Dr. Gray. And, similar to Mr. Toggle, he actually does feel scary in that "actual human who is actively harming a child" way. Unfortunately this one ultimately gives off more unsettling, almost pedophilic vibes given stuff like Gray talking about "experimenting" on Dana, the general kidnapping and all of the fail-safes that he put in place. Giving us perhaps a villain that's a bit too much for what is normally a sillier book series.
And we didn't even get to that twist yet, which makes those vibes even worse. I hate to bring the idea up, it's why there's the content warning in the beginning. And, I know that this could not have been R.L. Stine's idea when he came up with the "egg blanket". He most likely intended it to just be a scene where we see that the egg monsters do something kind and altruistic for Dana, keeping him warm from the freezer. And, for a kid, the target demo, you'd find this innocuous. Just a silly ending where this kid laid the biggest egg you ever saw. But, with an adult eye reading this, it's impossible not to look at this ending as the egg monsters leading a child into a false sense of security, then proceeding to rape and impregnate that same child. Like, probably not in a worst case scenario manner, but more of implanting their DNA inside him through skin contact to somehow impregnate him, but still doing this to a child, and doing this without Dana's consent, in my eye that still feels like rape. And, that just makes any good will I can give the book feel gross and bad. And again, I want to give Stine that benefit of the doubt, and that maybe Scholastic never put much thought into that, but it's the only conclusion I get when finishing it.
So... how do I rate this book, then? Do I underplay the twist? If so, I feel that comes off like me ignoring the effects this could have on those who read it, those who have been actual sexual abuse and grooming victims. I also feel like how I feel about this twist and reading so much into it makes me feel like I'm trivializing those people's experiences by how the twist and the latter half of the book presents itself. Really wish this was just a book about wacky egg monsters and less a book that spirals into too-frightening realism with fantasy that feels like someone should have gotten to Stine's ear and told him that he should rethink this. So, yeah. If I was to give the twist a number realistically, it'd be four G's, but I also don't feel right giving it a rating as again it feels like trivializing something that feels wrong. That leaves me ultimately with the lightest of light recommends. If you can shut your mind off on this one, particularly with how this book finishes, it's probably the best of the slog run in the forties. If not, you'll still get an okay book that just makes you feel a little sick. And sadly, not from the cool cover art. And, unfortunately, this isn't the only book I feel Stine should have known better about. But that's for another time.
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