My Teacher is an Alien

It's time to cover another notable author for this humble blog. And who more notable than Bruce Coville? Well, maybe a bunch of others, but for the purpose of this blog, much of Coville's stuff is right up our alley. Stuff about aliens, monsters, unicorns and plenty of other fun stuff. With over 100 books to his name, there's definitely a lot of stuff to cover, but I think a great way to see the man's work in action is to cover one of his many sagas. It's time for some extraterrestrial extracurricular action with My Teacher is an Alien.

COVER STORY

As with most of these book reviews, I'll be featuring the original cover art for the cover story, which I'm definitely cool with for these Coville books as the artwork is always so much better. Case in point this work which indeed gives us what we need to be interested in this book. Our alien teacher removing his mask (which looks like George W. Bush to me) to reveal his green, red bug eyed face, which our protagonists look from the window, shocked. Steven Fastner did the cover art and it's great, especially our alien design, which is a cool humanoid alien design. 

STORY

We open as our protagonist Susan Simmons is watching her friend Peter Thomson get picked on by Duncan Dougal. A litany of alliteration in this book so far. Duncan's your standard bully. Likes to pick on anyone, especially Peter who is a shy bookworm. Susan's even gotten punched by Duncan before, so his violence is intergender. After knocking Peter's book into a puddle, things escalate into a fight, when a tall blonde man shows up and lifts both kids off the ground. After settling things, the man leaves. Susan and Peter head into Kennituck Falls Elementary School, ready to resume class after Spring Break with their teacher, Ms. Marie Schwartz, who all the kids really like. However, when they arrive in class, there's no sign of Ms. Schwartz. 

Instead, there's the blonde man again talking to the principal, Dr. Bleekman. And yes, a principal being called doctor is suspicious. as is him telling the class that Ms. Schwartz won't be coming back for the remainder of the school year. Instead, they'll be spending the rest of the year with their new teacher, Mr. John Smith. John Smith 1882? My mistake! Susan asks about Ms. Schwartz, but Dr. Bleekman just says it's a private matter. Susan suspects that Ms. Schwartz got fired, likely for trying to set up a school play instead of forcing the kids into doing more schoolwork. Sure enough, Mr. Smith is also taking Bleekman's side and there will be no play and all work. If there's any Jacks in this class, they will be a dull boy.

The conflict definitely sounds like it comes from the more free-spirited, anti-curriculum Ms. Schwartz, whose manner of teaching was considered fun. But Mr. Smith brings the kids back to curriculum and back to tedium for the next few weeks. He also hates the idea of kids playing music or listening to the radio. Susan and the others hate it, and she writes just that in a note, calling Mr. Smith a philistine and drawing a picture of him holding his ears as she plays piccolo. Unfortunately, she did this during class around the time Mr. Smith is collecting tests, meaning that he ends up taking her note with him, meaning Susan is dreading what will happen when he reads it.

Susan talks with her friend Stacy Benoit about it, who is more worried she'll get in trouble as her name is on that note. Susan follows Mr. Smith home and sees him leave his briefcase of school tests on the porch. Susan is about to open the briefcase to get the note when she hears a sound like a cat in a blender. Susan checks inside Mr. Smith's house, but no sign of any furniture or anything livable. She sneaks upstairs to his room as she sees him in front of a mirror. She then sees him pull off his face like a mask, revealing a green skinned face with weird orange eyes, bumpy features and two sets of teeth. The mirror then reveals another alien. Mr. Smith reveals his real name of Broxholm, and that their plan to find subjects to bring to their planet is underway. 

Susan manages to sneak out of Broxholm's house and make it back home. Now, if this was Goosebumps, she'd be blurting out that Mr. Smith is an alien, but even she has this moment where she realizes that if she did, she wouldn't be believed. Kids with rational thoughts on handling a situation? Why I never. But she does believe that Peter might believe her at least. She doesn't get an answer when she tries to call him. At dinner we get a bit more exposition as Dr. Bleekman supposedly didn't fire Ms. Schwartz, she simply vanished without telling anyone. It only gave Bleekman a few days to find a replacement and thus ended up with Broxholm. 

Now Susan's a bit more worried. Worried that Broxholm may have known she was in his house. That maybe he has strong alien smell. When he gives her back the note, she thinks it's a way to intimidate her. To get her to drop whatever she's thinking of doing. She finally tells Peter about Mr. Smith being Broxholm, but Peter just thinks she's messing with him like Duncan would. But she at least manages to make him think that this is just some fun little game. Peter suggests that they should probably check for clues. 

Their best chance to find clues is when Broxholm isn't at his house. Fortunately there's a convenient PTA meeting that will keep him out of the house. Peter also believes that even though Susan snuck inside, she didn't check the whole house for any other clues. He also says that the story about Ms. Schwartz might have been a lie as well. That Dr. Bleekman is in collusion with Broxholm and they worked together to get rid of her. So, the two kids sneak out that night and enter Broxholm's abode. They enter through the cellar and don't find much of anything that would look out of the ordinary. A fridge filled with normal food, a medicine cabinet with a lot of Excedrin. The usual stuff. But before they call it a night, Peter suggests they check the attic. And when they get up there, they find Ms. Schwartz inside a tube.

The kids panic, but Peter is more excited now that he has proof that aliens do exist. Ms. Schwartz is behind a strange force field. When the kids touch the force field they can hear Ms. Schwartz telepathically. She tells them that they need to warn the others about what Broxholm has been sent for. He is to bring five kids back to his home planet. The best, the worst and three average intelligence and plans to take them back on the 26th of May which is coming up in about a week. However, in the midst of this, they hear noises downstairs. Broxholm's home. But they manage to sneak out while he gives his report to the other aliens.

Susan now needs to find a way to unmask Broxholm in public to reveal the truth. Her first plan is to faint in front of him and grab his ear, hoping to yank the mask off. No luck. But she does take a strong header to the floor for her troubles. She tries to tell her dad about Mr. Smith without using the A word, and mentions that it seems that Mr. Smith isn't much of a music fan. Susan's dad calls him a philistine, which props to this book for using larger words. Stine would probably just say he has bad taste or is a critic or something. 

Peter calls later and suggests she brings a camera to Broxholm's house to get a picture of Ms. Schwartz. That might be the proof they need. But with no PTA meeting the next night, they have no choice but to skip school. Peter believes that they should at least keep Ms. Schwartz in the force field for now as she'd be safer there. He even says that maybe staying in suspended animation is good for her youth, to which Susan calls Peter a male chauvinist piglet. The next day at school, things seem off as Stacy, normally a good kid, slaps one of the other kids, Mike Foran, while Duncan, normally the ultimate instigator of the class, is giving apples to Mr. Smith and behaving. 

Turns out that Peter told the kids about Mr. Smith being Broxholm and they ended up believing him. I guess Peter's charisma points are just higher than Susan's and he has max persuasion. They also went to him over Susan because there's rumors they're in a relationship, but both sides make sure to say that their friendship is totally platonic. Stacy also realized that something was up when Susan tried the fainting incident. Susan asks if the kids all learn the truth will that means the adults will believe them, but Peter knows that won't work. My god, protagonists who actually think ahead. Forget the teacher, this concept is an alien to me. Peter also says that either Susan, Stacy, Michael or himself are front runners for Broxholm's best kid choice, with Susan being the likeliest candidate.

Susan suggests going alone to get the proof, but Peter insists. He isn't afraid of getting in trouble and reveals to Susan that he's only got one parent, his father, and he doesn't care that much. Susan relents and it's once again a two person job. Susan skips during music class and the kids rush to Broxholm's to get a picture of Ms. Schwartz, then find a way to expose the truth. What could possibly go wrong? Considering 40 pages to go, that answers your question. Especially considering that Duncan Dougal joins their party. 

With Duncan as lookout, Susan and Peter go to Broxholm's attic and talk with Ms. Schwartz. They only have two days left before Broxholm chooses his candidates. As they take pictures, they hear Duncan scream. They see him in Broxholm's dressing room with the alien communicator on. So now Duncan knows they're telling the truth. But he's also now been seen by the aliens, so he has to hide with Peter while Susan returns to school to keep her alibi in place. She apologizes to her music teacher, the amazingly named Mr. Milton "Bam-Boom" Bamwick, then heads to class, where Broxholm wants to speak with her after school.

It's a tense bit there as Broxholm asks why Susan doesn't like him. That what he is trying to do is right for his class. That he is here to learn just like the students. He mentions that he doesn't want her to interfere with those plans. He also mentions that he knows she's been sneaking inside his house, which now makes Susan more worried because now things can get much worse. And with only two days left, that means She needs to stop him ASAP.

Peter gives Susan a scare later on for, you know, adding Duncan to this. Though in Susan's defense, Peter did tell him about the Broxholm stuff, so it's more on him. Duncan is staying at Peter's since his father won't really care. As Peter thinks of ways to get back at Duncan, he mentions that the pictures will be developed the next day. When she meets with him again, Susan learns that Peter has a plan. That he's trying to make himself look like the best student. That this could be the big space adventure that he always dreamed of. He also believes that maybe Broxholm's people are benevolent. That they are actually scared of Earthlings and this experiment is to learn about them, and if they see how humans actually act, they'll think against an invasion. Methinks there's more to this reason, but we just move on to the pictures, which don't show Ms. Schwartz.

The final day arrives and the whole school is acting out of control, mostly out of paranoia from the whole impending alien stuff. And the night is also the night of the school concert, which Susan plays piccolo for. The parents also know about the alien rumors and don't believe it, with Susan's parents thinking that if she believed it, she'd need counseling. Bad, but Goosebumps parents would be much worse with that. The concert begins and the kids only have one last ditch effort to defeat Broxholm. It's been established that he hates music (then why plan your big abduction during a concert?), so Susan plays her piccolo. Sure enough, Broxholm is in pain, telling her to stop. The other kids join in with their instruments and Broxholm tells them to stop. 

Susan tells Broxholm to unmask, and sure enough, he does, with the adults and faculty now knowing Mr. Smith's true form. Peter distracts Broxholm and gets the alien to chase after him, both disappearing in the darkness. As police and others gather at the scene, Susan sees what appears to be Broxholm's spaceship in the sky, likely with Peter in it. She then heads to Broxholm's and sees Ms. Schwartz free from her forcefield with a major headache. And everything just goes back to normal like the school didn't have an alien teacher trying to abduct kids. And like one their own students is now gone in outer space. But Susan now has interest in one day traveling the stars herself. 

CONCLUSION

My Teacher is an Alien is a good book. Not perfect, but what it does right it does very well. It gives us likable protagonists that are more clever, with less of the obviously bad decisions that would be normal with, say, a Goosebumps protagonist. Susan is a good main focus and we get enough time with her character to like her. Peter is also an interesting side character. He's not just your normal nerdy friend trope. We see he has a vindictive side, that he likes the idea of making Duncan suffer after everything he went through. Not in a malicious way, but one that would feel like vindication. And while the book barely mentions it, it can at least be established that Peter's relationship with his father isn't good. That it may likely be abusive, either verbal, physical or both. And we don't get any answer as to where is mother is, so it gives us a likable side character with some real depth to him with a fate that's left open-ended for future stories. 

Seeing that I'm the one best known for reviewing Goosebumps, I have to compare it to Stine's work, and the book that best fits a comparison is The Girl Who Cried Monster. And that ultimately, Coville's book works so much better. Susan is a likable protagonist, worried about what Broxholm's plan is and wanting to save her fellow classmates and kidnapped teacher. Lucy was a bratty kid who liked to tell monster stories, then decides to out a real monster for the sole purpose of being rewarded, as well as her being an actual monster herself to uphold her family's turf. Broxholm is set up as at least being more evil and mostly presenting himself as more of a threat. Meanwhile Mr. Mortman seemed like just a normal guy who was interested in getting kids to read and when he learns of Lucy's plan, he then becomes more defensive. So, the book gives us a better executed plot and cast of characters while Stine does not.

But there are problems with the book. Namely the pacing. It feels like we rush to the ending way too quick. We also don't get any answer as to why Broxholm or his race want the human kids. We barely know anything about the aliens, what their race is, and what their abilities are. Other than super strength we know so little. Also the book does feel a bit sluggish in between, but at least uses that time to work on the story, which still ends strong enough with enough of an open ending. And given that there are still three more Alien books to cover, we may get enough of those answers over time. Though if this was a one and done, it'd feel pretty flat. Regardless, I can't say I didn't enjoy it and can't wait to see what happens next. So good work Bruce, you hooked me. I give My Teacher is an Alien a B+.