The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Most Wanted #5: Dr. Maniac Will See You Now

The Most Wanted series. A series that has been... a thing so far.And our next outing is a revisit to Dr. Maniac. Oh. Goody. Let's all WASH OUR HANDS as we cover Dr. Maniac Will See You Now.

COVER STORY

The HorrorLand cover to first feature Dr. Maniac didn't do a really good job at showing his design. This one does a far better job showing off most of Dr. Maniac, and he definitely looks maniacal. From his leopard cape and metallic suit. But you barely notice them as you're transfixed on the incredible troll face he radiates. I've stated before the profile shots that Most Wanted used weren't my favorites, but I do think it works here.

STORY

We open our story with our protagonist sneezing. Well, this is timely already. Our protagonist is Richard Dreezer, who is often referred to as "Richard Sneezer" or "The Faucet" due to his allergies. Richard hates it, but realizes he can't do anything about his lot in life. He does, however, often imagine himself as a superhero named "The Revenger" who gets revenge on people who wronged him. Like a kid-friendly Punisher I guess. I guess it's fitting since he goes to Hugh Jackman Middle School. Wait, what? Richard has a crush on a classmate named Bree Birnbaum, who he often dreams about taking to his Fortress of Coolness. This book is reaching major "Doug" territory and I'm only two pages deep.

Richard is awakened by his teacher, Mrs. Callus, to do a book report. His is on a graphic novel, and he's the kind of comic fan who whines if you just call them comic books. But as he goes to the front of the classroom to tell the class about his report, he starts to sneeze massively over his classmates and Mrs. Callus, who pulls a freaking Shawn Michaels and throws him through a window! That last part didn't happen, it was just his imagination, but the sneezing fit still happened.

After school, Richard is bullied by some other kids including Marcus Maloney and his crush Bree. After being knocked over a hedge, his parents show up, telling him that they have found an allergy doctor to help with the sneezing issues. Speaking of issues, his parents constantly argue about if his allergy issue is that serious or not. They're also THOSE Goosebumps parents in that they often insult Richard, while praising his younger brother Ernie. Regardless, Richard sees that the doctor is named Dr. Root.

Richard is dropped off at Dr. Root's office and steps inside. Dr. Root is a large, blob-like man who Richard finds creepy. Dr. Root tells him that he has come up with a procedure that can change Richard's life. All it will take is one shot and all of his allergies will disappear. Unfortunately for Richard that means taking a giant needle to the back. Richard passes out, but when he awakens, Dr. Root tells him that the shot should fix things. Richard leaves, but not too long after, he sneezes once more. But Richard doesn't care about that, since there's a comic book museum across the street that he goes to.

He's greeted by a man named Big Kahuna, who then gives Richard a couple rare issues of a comic called Masked Monkey. He goes to the reading room, but it's locked. But when Richard returns to see Big Kahuna, he hears a struggle. When he returns, Kahuna is gone, and instead there's a tall man in a trenchcoat, with grey hair and white, pupil-less eyes. Richard gets out of there quick and heads home where we kinda see just how god awful his family life is. Ernie spills his apple juice and the parents find it cute. Richard drops a freaking carrot on the floor and they call him a clumsy klutz. Well, could be worse. Could be Revenge R Us.

In the whole situation with the white eyed man, Richard forgot that he had taken the copies of the Masked Money that Big Kahuna gave him. Ernie bursts into his room and snatches the comics, which even Richard realizes could be big trouble if they get destroyed. And despite explicitly telling his mother that the comics are the property of the museum, she scolds him for being mean to his brother. I... I gotta take a sidebar here.

I've done a lot of these books. And I really do have the goal, no matter how excruciating it will end up, to cover all mainline Goosebumps books for this blog. Hell, I've sacrificed other projects just so that I can keep up momentum on this one alone. And, I still enjoy reading a lot of these books, but I can say without any uncertainty that if there's one trope that makes me want to immediately tap out of any of these books, it's "parents don't punish the younger sibling", or, and I wish I didn't have to mention Revenge R Us again, but in some cases, the older sibling. It's one that Stine goes back to often and every time it comes off as painful to read. Not just in the fact that it feels like a lame plot device to excuse the kid's awful behavior, but the fact that it feels like an example of bad parenting and in many ways, emotional abuse towards the innocent party of the older sibling.

I mean, Richard gives justification as to why the comics are important, that he's at least showing a sign of responsibility in his concern over the safety of the comic books, and yet, he's the one being punished. He's the guilty party. And given that the book has already shown that the Dreezer parents are often yelling at each other, or insulting Richard, it gives the sense that Richard is a kid who lives in an abusive household in not just a verbal way, but mental and possibly physical. It at least gives reason to why he created an alter ego named The Revenger. And it just makes me want to stop reading because it not just annoys the crap out of me, but I've become so tired of these parents in these books. The skeptical, non-believing Goosebumps parents are fine, and can at least be fun if used right, but the harmful ones, the ones who don't balance their punishment, the ones who pick favorites, the ones who are just horrible human beings make me not enjoy this stuff.

Okay, this is getting a bit too real, so let's get back.

After all that, Ernie throws the comics back in his room. Richard is frustrated, but instead of yelling, he sneezes, meaning that the allergy shot must have been pointless. He wishes that he was the Masked Monkey with ten times his own strength. As he pretends to be a monkey, suddenly Bree Birnbaum shows up to tell him that she's his partner for a comic museum project. She's not happy about it, tells Richard not to tell anyone, then gets nauseated by his collection of weird superhero merch and leaves. But Richard's happy since he gets to work with his crush.

The next day, Richard heads to school with Ernie, who is annoying him by wanting to piggyback. However, Richard thinks he sees the superhero Captain Croaker and his sidekick Terry Tadpole on the roof of a building. Ernie doesn't see anything, then steps on Richard's foot for the helluvit. Richard arrives at the comic museum, hoping to see Big Kahuna, but instead sees a man in a green and yellow super suit named The SnakeMan From Saturn. SnakeMan tells Richard that Kahuna doesn't work here and that the museum is closed, before leaving on a giant web. Wait what?

Ernie and Bree then show up. Ernie is being a pain in the ass, pinching Bree and whatnot. Between Ernie and Noah back in Little Shop of Hamsters, Stine really got fixated in writing little children like they're feral animals or something. Richard tells Bree about the museum being closed and the whole weirdness permeating, but that's interrupted when Ernie disappears. Richard quickly finds him and the three get ready to leave, when suddenly Dr. Maniac shows up. Again, there's no explanation as to why Dr. Maniac exists, or how Richard would know of him since again, Dr. Maniac was a creation of Robby Schwartz. But HorrorLand did establish that the villains were real, and this is a world already filled with superheroes, so I guess I can't piss and moan.

Dr. Maniac proclaims Richard to be his arch enemy and then prepares to throw him through the ceiling, but stops. It seems that Dr. Maniac is confused, not knowing where he is, or what's going on. In fact, we get the existential question on if Dr. Maniac is real or not. He tries to get Richard to eat a cockroach, then just eats it himself, before getting in a fight with another comic character named Slugmaster Slime. Bree's annoyed by all this and tries to leave but gets stopped by Purple Rage. Yes, my boy is back! He brings up how things bite his baboon and cramps his kippers before attacking Dr. Maniac and then Richard. Bree saves Richard in time and tries to explain to Purple Rage about what's going on, but of course, he's too angry to care. And then another comic character named Star-Spangled Banger shows up and they fight. God, this book is only 55 pages deep and I am so... so very tired.

Dr. Maniac finally tells them the truth about what's going on. It's the end of the comic book world as we know it (and I feel fine). The barrier between the comic world and real world has been opened and now comic book characters are starting to enter reality. And that would be a bad thing. Bree doesn't care, obviously, and wants to leave all this behind, but Dr. Maniac says that the three are now his hostages, tying them to chairs and scaring them with tarantulas. Dude, I have been playing Animal Crossing for a month, I've dealt with enough tarantulas to tell you that's not going to work. But the reason for the ranchos is that with the kids in peril, the superheroes will return to the museum and everything will be balanced again. The kids plan their escape by... tickling Dr. Maniac long enough to distract him. Sure, fine.

The kids exit the museum, and sure enough, Dr. Maniac was right. Superheroes are everywhere and they're battling one another. The three make it to the Dreezer residence as they see that Captain Croaker and Terry Tadpole have locked their parents in cages. And the parents are still arguing over this because this is totally the time to remind us of this loveless marriage. Bree again tries to split, but Captain Croaker wraps his tongue around her and... of course. Let's just throw bondage into this story too... tells her that she's not going anywhere. Richard has Ernie get his collection of dead flies in a jar, hoping it'll work as a trade-off, but Captain Croaker says that he's not hungry. But Richard sneezes, the jar breaks and Terry Tadpole starts to go to town on the dead flies. In the distraction, Bree is freed and the three kids head off again to find help.

Bree says her father is a fireman, so they can get him to help. However, when they get to her house, there's another villain there, because this book really is just throwing everything out there now. He's a bug-robot-looking thing called Halley Tosis, or Baaaad Breath. The villain opens it's mouth and spews foul smelling air at the kids, when all of a sudden Purple Rage returns. He beats the crap out of Halley Tosis, then focuses on the kids again, talking about how things put him in a rage. He rushes at the kids, but they manage to avoid him as he crashes into a tree trunk. The impact of the crash, somehow turns him into a rational thinker now and he explains what's going on.

He tells the kids that Dr. Maniac is behind this. He let all the villains and heroes escape to cause mayhem. Bree then calls Richard a maniac and blames him for this, because why have a likable cast in this book? Rage tells them that they have to return to the museum to face Dr. Maniac, and then he punches a squirrel out of a tree in a moment that is so stupid that it's actually the first actual chuckle this book gave me. They return to the museum and look for Dr. Maniac. He's nowhere to be seen. That is until they see that he's captured Ernie and they disappear. Richard is upset, but, just a thought, with the captured parents and the now missing little brother, maybe just... not help them and start fresh?

But that would mean that we'd be without any character with moral fiber, so of course Richard, Bree and Purple Rage go to find Ernie and Dr. Maniac. Rage suggests that a wastebasket is the entry portal to the comic world and tells Richard that they have to go inside to find Dr. Maniac. But they soon see that oh no! The wastebasket is gon... oh, it was actually a TRAPDOOR that was the entry to the comic world. They go down into the trapdoor and end up in a watery tomb. They manage to evade another pair of villains known as the squid twins (please, we've had enough bondage in this book) and make it to an island... which turns out to be a whale that eats them. Jonah beware, you're in for a scare! Angered to his limit, the Purple Rage explodes, literally, which frees Bree and Richard. They end up on an island where Bree's leg falls off and... Did R.L. Stine drop acid before writing this?

So, being in the comic world, limbs can just reattach, so Richard reattaches Bree's leg. She still hates him for dragging her into this, despite the fact he really didn't, but whatever, they see footprints and think they belong to Ernie and continue following.  They make it further into town and see that the Superhero world appears to be empty. All but two figures in a doctor's office. One being Scarlet Starlet and the other being, of course, Dr. Maniac, so that we can do a title drop. The kids find Ernie, but Dr. Maniac tells them that this was part of his plan to keep them trapped in this world forever. In fact, he plans to keep the entire real world trapped in the comic world so that he can rule them. You know what, given the state of the real world and the even bigger maniacs in charge, maybe this isn't a bad thing.

Dr. Maniac tells them that they'll never age and never have to eat. Should have told them that they'd probably die too, but they'll be back a few issues later. Purple Rage returns again, but swerve, bro! He's a villain too. He lured them into this world to capture them. Since the whole leg incident at the beach, Richard thinks that maybe they have superpowers and tries to fly at Dr. Maniac... only to crash and burn. But that was a ruse as the villains laugh long enough for the kids to escape... only to end up being confronted by Dr. Root, the allergy doctor from earlier, who tells Richard that this is all a dream. Oh, don't you even dare, book!

Thankfully, Bree pinches Richard which hurts, meaning that this is definitely not a dream. Dr. Root reveals that he was the one who opened the gate because he's The Root of All Evil. Oh that is so corny that I kinda like it. Before Dr. Root can use his giant needle again, Richard sneezes so powerfully that it blows back the doctor. Bree and Ernie make a break for it as Richard subdues the villains with more sneezes, then he himself makes an exit... only to see a large crowd of unruly supers. Turns out they all came back to the comic world. Oh, and the gate is now closed. Actually, it's not. It's still open by a crack. Richard tries to get there, but gets grabbed by The Masked Monkey. He sneezes and subdues them long enough to make it to the door just before it closes

TWIST ENDING

But when he sees that his parents are pissed and ready to punish him, he decides to say "well, see ya!" and returns to the comic world. He realizes that he's much happier living in the comic book world as a superhero with super sneezing powers. So, Richard finally gets a happy ending. No, of course he doesn't, because Ernie is still in the comic world too, ready to annoy him for all eternity. Womp. Womp.

CONCLUSION

I don't know if it's simply the quality of the story itself, or my own mental state going into this, but I really did not care for Dr. Maniac Will See You Now. Even more so than his first outing. Goosebumps has its fair share of unlikable characters, but aside from Richard, who just feels like a victim who doesn't deserve anything that's befallen him, every character is either a legit supervillain or an actual horrible human being. Bree has no likable features to her. She never learns, never grows, treats Richard like garbage despite him not being at fault for any of this. Ernie is unlikable, written like so many of Stine's younger siblings. And then, as I established, the abusive family situation that ultimately leads to Richard's decision at the end. And even then he isn't allowed to be have a happy ending.

As for the rest of the book, it felt like a Stine ride book as we bounce from set piece to set piece, but even more erratically than usual for this fare. We're introduced to so many superheroes and villains, but never given any time to actually get invested. This was like the Mortal Kombat: Annihilation of Goosebumps books. Purple Rage gets more time, which was entertaining for just how much of a dick he was, and we get a bit of Dr. Maniac, but not enough to really find him all that interesting. In the end, this was, like so many sequels, a flop. Oh, doctor.  Dr. Maniac Will See You Now gets a D.