The Stinal Countdown: Wanted: The Haunted Mask

Following the release of the Goosebumps Hall of Horrors series, the next series planned for the franchise was Most Wanted, which similar to HorrorLand would feature several books featuring classic villains from the franchise. And yes, that of course includes Slappy. But the series premiered with a book that is technically not considered part of the Most Wanted Series. The special edition standalone Wanted: The Haunted Mask. Well, the track record of Haunted Mask books has been pretty good up to this point, so can this trend continue? Let's find out.

COVER STORY

I like some of this cover. I like the crinkled paper aesthetic, making it out to look like an actual wanted poster. I also really like Brandon Dorman's take on the mask itself. Lots of detail on the mask from its warty head, sharp teeth and glowing, swirly eyes. While the original Jacobus mask still remains the best incarnation, this is a good silver medal. The copy-paste flies however kinda hurt this a tad. Interesting fact: this book was originally released as a hard cover with a poster of the mask on the reverse side of the jacket. Unfortunately for me, I got the paperback, but what are you gonna do?

PART ONE - PROLOGUE

So, like a lot of the special editions, this story is broken into multiple parts. In this case, we open with a prologue of sorts set forty years in the past. Reader beware, it's the 1970s. A young girl named Olivia and her mother enter William's Mask Emporium, seeking a great mask for a costume party. The family take a princess mask and leave just as it's quittin' time. William takes his sleepy dog Hansel and head home, but appear to be followed by someone. William heads home and works on more masks, when there's a knock on the door. It's his brother Randolph. Is there a third brother named Hearst? Randolph is more stern in comparison to William, not to mention kind of a criminal.

He tells William that he has something that will make the two of them extremely rich and pulls out several masks, similar to the version on the cover. Hansel runs away from the mask while William has no interest in selling something that would scare kids. Randolph then tells William that this is not a mask, but a human face. They're called The Unwanted, I guess as opposed to The Unloved. Regardless, William has no interest in selling literal human faces and tries to get rid of the masks and Randolph. Suddenly, the masks begin to rise and surround William. Randolph, knowing that William would never agree to help him, had planned this all along. He then places a green mask over William's face and disappears with the other masks.

William is unable to pull the mask off as it latches to his body. In a wild rage, he destroys his kitchen. In a fury to tear the mask off, he pulls it off... and his own face with it! No, literally. The last chapter in this prologue is William, with his face torn off, placing the mask in a trunk in his attic so that nobody will ever find it, then literally bleeding to death. GOOSEBUMPS: THE BOOK SERIES FOR CHILDREN! Honestly, that may be one of the most shocking images I've seen in any of these books ever. We've had some gore and we've had death, but never to a level that extreme. And this is only the first part of three, folks.

PART TWO - LU-ANN

Flash forward 40 years later. Lu-Ann Franklin and Devin O'Bannon are talking about their unfortunate Halloweens. Lu-Ann is going to Polly Martin's Halloween party. Polly is a serious girl that never really laughs, doesn't get jokes and, oh no! is a liberal who is vegan and likes birds and stuff. That's bad, I guess. Not to mention she literally charges five dollar admission to her party. What, is she related to Mr. Krabs or something? Devin's Halloween is set out to be no picnic either. His dad, who formerly worked at an insurance company, has decided to open up a pumpkin farm one week before Halloween. I mean, they've been going up the whole month of October, but he thinks they'll peak right around January. Anyway, due to this Devin has to skip school for a week to help on the farm. And therein lies the main gimmick of this book. One half focuses on Lu-Ann's Halloween while the other is on Devin's Halloween. And we kick off with Lu-Ann.

Lu-Ann then goes to tell her eight year old brother Mitch his nightly scary bedtime story, this time about a man named Evil Boris, who was always angry and causing mayhem, particularly taking in the act of tearing children apart and eating them, finishing off with their head. She finishes it off with telling Mitch that Evil Boris could be anywhere, even in his closet. When Mitch opens the closet, a kid in a mask pops out. Another one of Lu-Ann's friends named Brad Delaney who she had help her with, you know, attempting to traumatize her little brother.

Brad and Lu-Ann head downstairs, while Lu-Ann's parents are playing Wii Tennis. The two try to come up with some idea as to what they're going to do at Polly's party, they need to pull some sort of scary prank to liven things up. Then Brad's old man mask gets stuck on his face. Oh no, is it the old man mask from the Haunted Mask II? No, it's our good old fake out. Then the two kids see a giant gorilla at their door. No, wait, it's their friend Marcus Wright in a gorilla costume. I could make a big deal about Stine writing an African-American kid (and he is by description) in an ape costume, but part of me thinks Stine didn't think as much about the bad implications of that as I did, so moving on. He got his costume from his dad, who conveniently opened a Halloween costume shop right where William's Mask Emporium was located. Lu-Ann and Brad decide that they'll find the scariest costumes to really liven up Polly's party.

We then shift to Lu-Ann, dressed as a fang-less vampire, heading to Polly's party. Only it doesn't seem right. No sign of Polly, the kids want to play "eat the wheel" and then they turn their attention to Lu-Ann, chanting, and I quote:

Pippa, Pippa, Wah Wah Wah

Pippa Wah Pippa Wah

Pippa Pippa Wah Wah

The kids then pull their heads off their shoulders and scream. But, of course, this was all a nightmare. We get the actual party as the kids get quickly bored of Polly's game of "rub the balloons and stick them to your head." Lu-Ann, Brad and Marcus decide instead to head into the Martin family attic. They find the costume chest that William hid the mask in and decide to take the items inside. Marcus takes a devil costume, while Lu-Ann finds the green mask. Brad... he finds a mask too, if you want to call what is literally the ripped face of William a mask. Speaking of, the kids also find William's corpse up there in the attic too as it escapes from the closet. So A. The Martins moved into William's old house and B. Nobody checked the attic for, you know, CORPSES!

But WAIT, apparently William is still alive somehow as he grabs Lu-Ann, trying to warn her about the mask. The kids, not willing to take the warnings of a living corpse, lock it back into the closet. When they check back, he's disappeared. Lu-Ann is freaked out, since this is similar to the scary story she told Mitch. But regardless, they're still intent on scaring Polly and the party goers, so they put on the masks, including Brad who, I must state again, is wearing a literal human's torn off face. They try to scare Polly and the others, but the kids catch on that it's Brad, Marcus and Lu-Ann pretty quick. Brad and Marcus pretend to have their faces stuck in the mask, but for Lu-Ann, it's no joke. The mask is stuck on to the point that the mask's bottom is melted into her flesh. She panics, but everyone just laughs at her. So, since she's in the haunted mask and all, her rage is now at high levels. She attacks the kids and tears apart the house, before running away.

Brad and Marcus try to help, but Lu-Ann responds by biting Brad in the arm. She runs off again and finds the mask shop that Marcus' dad is running. Since he's an expert on costumes and masks, maybe he'll have the answers. At first he tells her to leave since, you know, angry crazed monster mask child and all, but when she tells him about the mask, he tells her that he knows about the haunted mask and that it can only be taken off by an act of kindness. Lu-Ann, enraged, pulls a Ken Patera and hurls a rock through his store window. She runs off again and spots a little girl in a princess costume who is lost. She offers to help, but the kid panics at the sight of the mask. Still in super rage mode, Lu-Ann destroys her candy bag and runs away again. So much running in this book, maybe Stine should have named her Lola.

Next, she sees a man leave an SUV. He has a flat tire, so he asks Lu-Ann to watch it for him. She agrees, believing that this will be the act of kindness. But, of course, the mask overpowers her and she tears the car apart, then runs again. She eventually ends up back at Polly's place, where Polly and her mother panic, considering the whole "tear the house apart" thing. She offers to clean up, but they tell her to leave, still thinking she's lying. She then tears their couch apart. But before they straight up murder her, she thinks "oh right, that ghost upstairs. If I show Polly it's real and get rid of it, maybe that'll be the act of kindness". Right, that ghost that EXPLICITLY SAID NOT TO PUT ON THE MASK! But, I guess William's corpse is a villain as it grabs Polly, wailing about how lonely he was. Lu-Ann tackles William and rescues Polly. However, when she pulls at the mask, it still won't come off. And now there's also a little issue with the police arriving to arrest Lu-Ann, what does she do?

PART THREE - DEVIN

So now we move on to Devin's part of this story. Devin is walking outside the pumpkin farm at night with his six year old twin sisters Dale and Dolly. He hates being here and would rather be at Polly's party. Missed a helluva rager pal. Since they went to the farm they're also living with a round woman named Mrs. Barnes, who serves as housekeeper. There's also a black cat named Zeus, which Devin thinks is instant bad luck. The twins sing a song about the Jack-O'-Lanterns coming alive, making me think we stepped into Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns II or something. It bothers Devin, who is genuinely creeped out by pumpkins. He runs back to the house, but trips on a vine and crashes to the ground hard. He tells the twins that he thinks it might have been the vines coming to life, but they laugh it off since even at six, they're more rational than him.

Since this is currently set before the incident with Lu-Ann, he talks to her on the phone about how awful it's been on the farm. He then sees what looks to be a face of some sort in his window, but upon closer inspection he sees nothing. When he goes outside, he sees the pumpkin vines moving on their own. He wakes his parents to tell them, but they don't believe him because Goosebumps Parents. He talks to Mrs. Barnes, who offers him pumpkin tea, but he declines because he's still not a fan of pumpkins. He goes to sleep and has a dream about scarecrows. Walking. At midnight. When he wakes up, he steps in what appears to be pumpkin guts. I'm sorry, I thought I was reading Wanted: The Haunted Mask, not Why I'm Afraid of Pumpkins.

Mr. O'Bannon has Dale, Dolly and Devin paint faces on pumpkins for pre-made Jack-O'-Lanterns to sell. When Devin grabs a pumpkin, it suddenly makes strange noises and it feels like it has human skin. He panics, causing the paint to spill everywhere. He tries to tell his father, but, you know. They resume paining pumpkins as the girls sing the "Jack-O'-Lantern come alive" song some more. After they're taken shopping with their mother, Devin is alone with the pumpkins when suddenly there's a boy with a pumpkin head-no, wait, he has a normal head, but was just holding up a pumpkin. I'm beginning to think this two-narrative structure was a bad idea. The boy introduces himself as Haywood Barnes (Hey, wood barns!), the son of Mrs. Barnes.

When he tries to introduce Haywood to Mr. O'Bannon, Haywood makes a run for it. When Devin returns to the pumpkin shed, suddenly the faces have changed and are now monstrous and ugly. He gets his dad to show him the proof, but here we go round the mulberry bush. I'm sorry, the pumpkin bush. He then sees Zeus the cat in the room standing still when suddenly the pumpkin heads begin to rise above Devin and... puke pumpkin guts. And then we just... we just move on from that to the next day.

It's been a dog's age since I wanted to tap out of a book, but HOLY CRAP GET BACK TO THE GODDAMN HAUNTED MASK!

So, we're now at the day before Halloween. We get another fake-out scare with the twins pretending to be attacked by the pumpkins, so that at least moves us another chapter forward. Haywood shows up again and reveals to Devin the history of the farm. How the farm was originally a civil war graveyard that was later re-purposed into a pumpkin farm, and that all the scary events are believed to be the work of the ghosts of the soldiers, sending their hate into the pumpkins. There is also one ghost, the angriest of the dead soldiers named the Grave-Master, who haunts the farm himself.. That's a good scary story and all, could have really worked into BEING IT'S OWN BOOK!

Another scene at the dinner table where Devin tries to bring up the whole graveyard pumpkin farm, but Mrs. Barnes claims that Haywood was just telling stories, so he gives up again. I mean, if they didn't believe you three times already, why bother with a fourth? We get some pages about him watching a movie on TV because we need more pages of this not being the book that was advertised, then he goes to sleep, when suddenly pumpkin vines begin to come through his window and attack him. All while Zeus the cat is still there. His parents arrive, see the mess of vines and still don't believe him because. After they leave, the vines try to attack again, but Devin squashes them.

Halloween day arrives. The family intend to make bank tonight on pumpkin-related sales. Devin starts to hear his name being called out, but can't see anyone. At one point, he grabs a pumpkin and it turns fleshy again because even Stine has tapped out of new ways to try and make pumpkins scary. He tries AGAIN to get his parents to believe him and they don't. This book did not need to be 231 pages long. Oh, and by the way I am at page 207. The last time this book featured the haunted mask was PAGE 119! He tries to get Haywood to help him, but Haywood, staring at Zeus, opts out.

That night, Devin looks for Haywood, but spots him rising from out of the ground. Haywood is one of the civil war corpses. He grabs Devin and tries to drag him into his grave. Suddenly Zeus the cat shows up and... does nothing because it's just a cat. Just the lamest red herring in this series' history. Suddenly Mrs. Barnes arrives and reveals that she was the Grave-Master this whole time. She chose Devin so that he could be Haywood's friend forever in the afterlife. They lead Devin to Haywood's grave and are ready to throw him in, when R.L Stine remembered that this book was called Wanted: The Haunted Mask and finally, 220 pages into this book, Lu-Ann shows up.

She attacks Haywood and starts tearing into him. Haywood starts to get the upper hand until Devin saves Lu-Ann, causing Haywood to fall into the open grave and vanish, with Mrs. Barnes following him. Turns out that this was the act of kindness she needed as the mask finally manages to come off. The two kids celebrate what was one weird Halloween.

EPILOGUE/TWIST ENDING - POLLY'S PARTY

The next day, Polly is charging admission for people to come to her attic. Turns out that Lu-Ann didn't ruin her party, it made it the scariest party in the history of Dayton, Ohio. Why is she charging money? To see the ghost of course. Then she finds a mask similar to the one that Lu-Ann had and puts it on. And to quote a great scribe, I literally threw the goddamn book across the room.

CONCLUSION

I have read too many of these books. For the blog alone It's closing in on one hundred. And a lot of them can be pretty bad, some bordering on outright terrible. But in all the books I've covered I've never seen a book crash into a brick wall as horrendously as I have with Wanted: The Haunted Mask. It starts with one of the darkest openings to any of these books with one of the goriest images I've ever seen in Goosebumps. At first I was wondering if Randolph was supposed to be the evil mask maker from the other books, but I doubt Stine had that intention. Regardless, after that, I had hope. And Lu-Ann's story, while kinda stock, wasn't too bad either. Although her motivations suck. Just trying to prank her serious friend's party to liven it up. It feels like any other Goosebumps protagonist. At least with Carly Beth, the book built her character into being sympathetic, so that her turn into the haunted mask works as a parable of the evils of revenge. Here, you could put Lu-An in a crowd of any other Goosebumps protagonist and she blends in, devoid of any notable traits. I do like the wrap up to her story with her path of rage. Though, real talk? Shouldn't Lu-Ann be in Juvie for, you know... the destruction caused? If this had finished strong, I'd have still given this maybe a B-...

And then Devin's story came in. I can safely say without conversing with the man that R.L. Stine never intended this to be a special edition. More than likely these were going to be two separate books. A book based on The Haunted Mask, and one most likely called Night of the Living Pumpkins or something like that. But there was a snag. He had no endings for either. Or at the very least, he had an ending with Lu-Ann saving Polly, but still had no ending for Devin's story. So we leave this book about haunted masks to spend 90+ pages on a whole other horror story about a haunted pumpkin patch. And even that wasn't very good as it got redundant fast, with stock scares and a lack of anything really substantial to keep you invested. To the point that even Stine had no clue how to finish it within its own story. He could have ended that with Zeus actually saving the day, but nope. We have to tie these two stories that shouldn't belong together into one book that shouldn't be one book. Like, Stine could have at least had that weird nightmare from Lu-Ann connect as a weird premonition, but nope! Pippa, Pippa, Wah!

Like, for all the grief I give books I don't like, at least they have stories that feel finished. That feel like Stine didn't need to throw into a blender and create pumpkin scented vomit. This also feels like such a bait and switch to kids who expected a larger story focused on the haunted mask, one of the most iconic creations that Goosebumps ever conceived. But, instead it's one of the laziest messes I have read in a long, long time. The title misleads, this book is unwanted. Wanted: The Haunted Mask gets an F.