We've seen the origins for Goosebumps so far in this re-read retrospective. And while the quality has been scattershot for the most part, they at least still feel iconic. Like they feel like what you'd imagine these books being. A heavy focus on horror, but still kid friendly enough as to not leave mental scars. Given that our next book's cover scared me to the point that I never read the books as a kid, I'd really hope that when I finally did read it, that the contents within were just as vivid as the fearful thoughts the cover gave me. I guess it's true, you really can't judge a book by its cover. Or can we? Let's see for ourselves as we cover Say Cheese and Die!
SAY CHEESE AND DIE!
RELEASE MONTH: November, 1992
FRONT TAGLINE: One Picture is Worth a Thousand Screams.
COVER STORY
I've made no bones about it, this cover scared me as a kid. I mean, of the first batch of covers so far, this one kind of has that actual scary feel to it. At least if you're ten like I was I guess. Skeletons having a picnic. If you told me that, without showing the art, I'd be intrigued, but show me the art, and that's a whole different story. It's definitely the hollow eye sockets that did it. It gives off a grim scenario. Not helped by the title being what it is. So you think that this is a family that was just normal, until a photo taken of them killed them, or at least was a precursor to their imminent demise. You know, I'm a lot better at coming up with ideas for these books in my head than R.L. Stine was actually writing them. Yeah, I went there.
Now let's get to the art itself because this is a full on masterpiece. A sign that Tim Jacobus was the right man for the job in bringing Goosebumps to life. The art is colorful and vivid, while juxtaposed with skeletons having a picnic. Almost a grim comedy of sorts. As funny a concept as it is frightening. I mean, they're skeletons, they have no stomachs to devour that food. That's just silly right there. The artwork is detailed in so many ways. From how the clothes just sorta hang off the skeletons, to the small tuft of hair sticking out from the dad skeleton's chef's hat, not to mention the first appearance of Tim Jacobus' favorite shoes, Converse Hi-Tops. It feels like a lot more work than what was needed to be done. Definitely a sign that this concept was Tim's idea and not Stine's. Long story short, the best cover so far.
EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY
Greg thinks there's something wrong with the old camera he and his friends found. The photographs keep turning out wrong. Very wrong. Like the snapshot Greg took of his father's new car that shows it totalled. And then Greg's father is in a nasty wreck.
But Greg's friends don't believe him. Shari even makes Greg bring the camera to her birthday party and take a picture.
Only Shari's not in the photograph when it develops.
Is Shari about to be taken out of the picture permanently?
Who is going to take the next fall for...
STORY
Greg Banks and his friends Shari Walker, Michael Warner and Doug "Bird" Arthur (named Bird because of his long nose, beady eyes and long legs, setting off the grand tradition of horrible Goosebumps nicknames) are bored. you see, as they tell us on numerous occasions in this first chapter, "Pitts Landing is the pits". They have nothing to do, and really nowhere to go. They ultimately decide, like good kids would, to go visit the old Coffman house, an abandoned house in town that is frequented by a strange old squatter named Spidey. Sadly, no Peter Parker related shenanigans here, he's just a strange old man with spindly limbs. And considering that no one knows just how dangerous Spidey can be, let's just go snoop in his place! Oh, and we get a first chapter scare via Greg being spooked by a cocker spaniel. Whole bunch of spaniels and terriers in these first few books.
They enter the Coffman house and look around, eventually making their way to the basement. No plant monsters here, but a lot of old robes and wigs, making me think that Spidey might moonlight as Ric Flair. Greg notices an old worktable with a vise. He turns the vise, causing a door above to open. Inside is a camera. No, not a strange, spaceship-like camera, just a standard Polaroid style camera without the branding. Michael stands on the basement stairs and tells Greg to take his picture. After the camera flashes, the railing breaks and Michael plummets to the ground, injuring his ankle in the process. This is bad timing for the kids as Spidey has returned. But they manage to escape through the basement window in time. After making enough space from the Coffman house, they finally look at the photo. However, the picture shows Michael mid-fall, which wouldn't make sense given that Greg snapped the photo before the railing broke. They all chalk it up as maybe a slow mechanism and go their separate ways.
Greg returns home and is surprised by what he sees in the driveway. A brand new 1992 Ford Taurus! Which really feels less like something a kid in the 90s would find cool as much as a man in his forties would. Hi 1992 R.L. Stine. Greg takes a picture of the car with his camera, but the picture that emerges shows the car completely wrecked. And with that, Say Cheese and Die's mystery takes a massive hit. It's been established already that the camera must be some sort of strange future predicting camera, and with the first picture, we can chalk up this mystery as simply a case of strange coincidences. Here, with the looming threat of a car wreck, it feel like we peaked with the mystery way too soon. A good build would be smaller occurrences before something as deadly as a car crash.
That night, Greg is nervous about the photo, which is made no better when his parents suggest that the family go for a drive. They drive for a bit, Greg continuing to be nervous, but nothing bad seems to happen. Well, until they almost get hit by a truck. With that brush of death behind them, the family head home, Greg relieved that the photo's prediction didn't happen. That night, he decides to take a picture of his older brother Terry, because that seems logical. Use the deadly camera on your brother. Terry makes a goofy face, but the photo that emerges shows him outside with a look of fear on his face. Now that should have been the second picture.
The next day, the kids are at Bird's baseball game. Greg brought the camera in hopes that the others might be able to help him understand what's up with it. It has no place to put film or batteries inside, making it even stranger, which is confusing the hell out of them. Bird then tells Greg to take his picture, so Greg, stupidly, does so. The picture shows Bird on the ground, unconscious, with his body in a painful position. We get a chapter scare with Bird on the ground in pain, but it was all just a joke. And then he actually gets hit with a baseball, knocking him out, his body in the same position as the photo. Before Greg can process that, Terry arrives, his face in the same look of fear as the photo Greg took. Dad got in a car accident. It wasn't fatal, but he's in bad shape, as is the Taurus that is now totaled. They arrive at the hospital to visit their dad. Greg tries to tell his mom about the photos, but given the current events, she doesn't have time to talk about it.
Greg talks to Shari the next day, mentioning a strange dream he had about taking a photo of his family at a picnic, but the picture showing them as skeletons. Yes, that is the extent of the cover's value to the story. Just a quick mention. That's because it was a Tim Jacobus idea that Stine had to add in before the book finished being published. Shari, despite realizing that Greg has serious concerns about the camera, tells him to bring it to her birthday party. He does so, because Greg's an idiot. At the party, Greg takes a picture of Shari by a tree in her yard. But when the photo comes out, it shows just the tree and no Shari. As the party goes on, suddenly Shari is nowhere to be seen. Shari's parents call the police, to which Greg tries to tell an officer about the camera, only to not be believed that a magic camera is the culprit. When Greg returns home, he sees that his room is a mess. He believes it must have been Spidey looking for the camera.
The next day, Greg, Michael and Bird talk about the camera and Shari's disappearance, when in the middle of discussing what to do with the camera, a picture is taken of Greg. Before he can look at the photo, Greg and the others are accosted by two bullies named Joey Ferris and Mickey Ward. They eventually manage to escape, giving Greg a chance to look at the picture, this time showing him and Shari cowering from a shadowy figure. Frustrated, Greg tears up the pictures, including the one that caused Shari to disappear. Soon after, he gets a phone call from Shari who just suddenly returned to reality with no clue where she went. Greg tells her that he's sick of this and asks her to come with him to the Coffman house to return the camera. The two make it to the Coffman house and return to the basement where Greg found the camera. But before they can leave, they're stopped by Spidey, who tells them the origin of the camera.
Spidey's real name is Dr. Fritz Fredericks and many decades ago he was a scientist, working with another scientist on a camera that could predict the future. What this was for, we don't know exactly, but it does seem like it might have been something that nefarious forces would use. Fritz would steal the camera from his partner, but it turns out his partner was Papa Shango, having vast knowledge in black magic. He cursed the camera, causing it to only predict horrible events. Fritz had been keeping the camera hidden for years so that it wouldn't hurt anyone. Greg and Shari try to leave, but Fritz tells them that they can't leave, since they know too much. In the struggle, Shari activates the camera, which takes a picture of Fritz. The kids run up the stairs, but notice that Fritz isn't chasing them. They look to see that Fritz is on the floor, dead. They look at the photo and realize that the camera caused him to die of fright. The kids contact the cops and make their leave.
TWIST ENDING
After everyone leaves, Joey and Mickey, the bullies from earlier, sneak into the Coffman house and find the camera. They take a picture of one another, and wait for the picture to show. Yep. That's it. That's really the twist we're ending on. A thousand screams my ass.
CONCLUSION
Say Cheese And Die feels like it should be better. It has such a great concept with the idea of something that can predict only horrible futures. It could lead to some really interesting scenarios. And if the mystery was built up better, I think this could have worked better. But, for what it is, it's very clunky. The thing that hurts this book most is the concept of the camera, in that it can only predict bad things. Therefore, to stop it, just stop using it. Greg's the one who constantly makes things worse by constantly using it, either out of stupidity, or pressured by his friends. Once the Taurus photo was taken, any other time Greg used the camera was just idiocy.
The way this could have worked better was to not just make the camera predict evil events. Maybe just full on take the concept from the Twilight Zone episode A Most Unusual Camera, and have it predict beneficial things as well. You can then tell the story more that the pictures Greg takes actually makes good things happen for him. This power goes to Greg's head until he takes one picture that predicts a disastrous event, and we have to spend the rest of the story with Greg trying to keep that event from happening. You could even have Spidey as less of a villain and more as the only one Greg can go to to learn about what the camera really is and how to stop what it predicts from happening. I think that actually works better than just every picture is evil.
But, for all my complaints about how this book is, I still like it. Maybe it's because that cover is forever linked with me in one way or another, but it's the book I think about the most. And I do just really like the idea, even if it's a mess. Greg's an okay protagonist, if not a bit dumb. The book does a fine enough job building up his paranoia and concern as the events of the camera's actions continue to mount. The other kids are pretty annoying and bland, with Shari and Bird being the worst of the two. Seeing Greg's concerns and fears and not really caring about them. Shari in particular being pretty unlikable. The pacing is okay and the climax is solid. I just wish it didn't end on a twist that was so weak. It's a book that I like, but when it comes to recommending it, that's a different story. This is a book that feels like it should be so much better, but in the end just didn't get the picture.
STORY: GGG
SCARES: GG
TWIST: G
ENJOYMENT: GGG
OVERALL: 2.5 Gs
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