NNtG: Spinetinglers #01: The Substitute Creature

Spinetinglers is a series that I haven't put as much effort into covering for the blog, which is a shame as I liked the first two I covered for it. But now is the time to take yet another look at the series by M.T. Coffin (AKA a bunch of authors under that name) and see how the series kicked off. And given we're entering September and school is just getting started, how fitting is it to talk about yet another book with another monster teacher? I guess pretty fitting given this blog. Let's learn all about The Substitute Creature.

This cover is pretty good all told. It's tricky for a lot of covers to nail the feeling of unsettling, but this cover actually does a good job. Not just with the bowl of eyeballs, but our titular substitute creature with his almost comically sinister face on him. From the eyebrows, the smile and even the veins popping out of his forehead, there's definitely a feeling of unease that emits from him. Of course, the obvious comparison is The Girl Who Cried Monster. Focused monster on the cover staring intently on something he's looks to be about to eat. I think this does a stronger job over that cover as Mr. Mortman doesn't look even half as excitely freaky as Mr. Hiss. For a first foot forward cover, this is top marks.

Jace Morgan is about to enter his classroom when his friend Molly Grover informs him that their strict teacher, Mrs. Dement, is in the hospital for reasons that I'm sure have nothing to do with their new, strange substitute teacher Mr. Hiss, who is described with slick black hair and buggy eyes. Jace's other friend, Abram Seeb, wonders if Mr. Hiss will be more lenient than Mrs. Dement, but Mr. Hiss assures them that won't be the case. He's more patient, but wants his students to take things seriously and not slack, while eyeballing any potential troublemakers, namely Abram. He also asks if the kids like scary stuff, which Jace doesn't as he's a bit of a wuss when it comes to horror. Hey, so was I as a kid, so I can relate. Mr. Hiss assigns an essay as class lets out with Molly telling Jace that she's heard that Mr. Hiss was spotted eating eyeballs. So hey, cover isn't lying for once. Points to Spinetinglers.

The next day, Jace is still not too thrilled about Mr. Hiss, though his mother tells him to at least give Mr. Hiss the benefit of the doubt since it can't be too easy for him to teach a new class constantly. He talks with Abram who isn't exactly ready to give Mr. Hiss that benefit, and also doesn't believe Molly's eyeball story. Abram also didn't do his homework because I guess he just sucks. He and Jace head to the school library to find him something to skim over when Jace hears a strange choking sound. He eventually finds a men's room by the bookshelves and when he goes inside, he sees Mr. Hiss, his hands and face covered in what looks to be blood. Well this book took a wild turn 19 pages deep. He tries to tell Abram, but they soon see Mr. Hiss leaving the room, looking normal. Not a trace of red. So Jace chalks it up to some sort of hallucination. They talk with Molly and another friend in Brett Kirston, before returning to the classroom where sure enough Mr. Hiss looks fine. In fact, the rest of the school day seems to go by without incident. That is until after school when Jace is about to go home when he sees Mr. Hiss with red, catlike eyes. Whether they're hyper realistic remains uncertain.

Some time passes and Jace's parents are concerned. He's been having nightmares and acting erratic, so they send him to the school counselor, Mrs. Chandler. He tells them about the eyes and the supposed blood, but they don't believe him because Book Inspired By Goosebumps Parents. Also his mother does like a weird accent... what? The meeting with Mrs. Chandler boils down to her thinking it must be scary movies doing it, which his mother also thought, and that if there is a problem he shouldn't try to ignore it. Jace takes this as constantly watching Mr. Hiss to make sure he doesn't do anything else strange. And for some time, nothing seems to happen. It's all pretty much ho hum. It's not until Jace mentions being at Mrs. Chandler's home while she was in a swimsuit (huh?) that he realized people are different at home. And, thus, Jace decides that his new plan is to spy on Mr. Hiss at his home. You know, this whole thing is sounding awfully familiar... They talk with Mr. Hiss who is all "how do you do, fellow kids" about what they like to do for fun. In the conversation, he mentions the street he's on, Garland Hill, which helps with Jace's search. Later, Jace sees from out the library window Mr. Hiss with something large and furry in the trunk of his car. 

That Saturday, Jace goes biking with Abram and suggests they head to Garland Hill, so that Jace can also continue his spying. They see Mr. Hiss entering an old boarded up Victorian house. Jace heads there himself to continue spying, while not really telling Abram what's up which definitely helps quell those "you're acting like a weirdo stop it" rumors. He hears Mr. Hiss singing and making something with a blender that looks like spaghetti. He leaves it on the porch and sings into the house while Jace sees what's inside the bowl. It's not spaghetti. It's a bowl of eyeballs. He rushes off and runs into Abram who takes him back after learning of what Jace claims to have seen since at this point Jace doesn't know if Mr. Hiss is a monster or he's losing his mind.  Abram checks out the bowl and at least knows that Jace isn't losing his mind. Because he sees Mr. Hiss seemingly smearing blood all over him as well. They think to tell Mr. Franklin, the principal, but oh would you look at that? Mr. Franklin, like Mrs. Dement is ALSO missing and Mr. Hiss is also taking on his role as substitute principal. So for a monster, he sure can multitask.

At class, Mr. Hiss brings in a woman named Ms. Seale, who tells the kids all about movie monster makeup, which I sure hope that the twist isn't what I think it is. They make Molly up to look like an alien monster. After class, Jace and Abram spot Mr. Hiss and Ms. Seale talking, with Miss Seale taking off her face and revealing one that looks similar to the alien that she made Molly up to be. So now they're convinced that they're dealing with some sort of alien monster invasion. Jace and Abram stalk Mr. Hiss' house again where they see what appears to be Ms. Seale, still looking like an alien, about to attack him. Jace yells to stop, then both kids panic and drive off. So if this is anything to be concerned about, they just made it worse. They try to call the cops, but that doesn't work. They then reach Jace's parents just as Ms. Seale and Mr. Hiss show up 

And they reveal that this was all makeup and actually the pair were acting for an upcoming film. So, yeah, the twist is exactly what I thought it was. The eyeballs? Props. The blood on Hiss' hands? Fake blood. The fur in the trunk? A costume. Ms. Seale removing her face? It was a mask of her face she used to see if the kids could tell it was real or not. Mr. Franklin and Mrs. Dement? They were legit gone with nothing nefarious. So it was all just a case of coincidences. Well, at least I don't have to make a #JusticeForMrHiss meme I guess...

So that was a book. It might be in the running for the most "that was sure a thing I read" book. Kathleen Duey is our author for this one and she seems to mostly have a history with a lot of horse novels. Not really that much in terms of horror works. And I can tell that this isn't her strong suit. Mainly in that this book initially feels like a copypasta of The Girl Who Cried Monster. Kid thinks they see a monster and tries to find a way to expose it while most people don't believe them. Only that book committed to the monster bit while this book clearly didn't have the guts to really commit to it. And even the twist of it being for a movie isn't that bad. The problem is the book pretty much makes it super obvious that this is the twist by introducing Ms. Seale late book and having her apply makeup on Molly. The same makeup she's wearing at the end of the story. I don't think this twist was the result of a wall hit either, this was the plan. Right down to Mr. Hiss trying to be down with the kids and asking about horror. So when the twist is revealed, it's a lead balloon because the book went out of its way to make that obvious. Even Stine, for as bad as he can be with twists, doesn't often just make them as obvious as possible. He at least hints at the twist instead of blaring into a megaphone the swerve. 

And thus, it gives this book a sense of pointlessness to it. A feeling that this story really didn't need to exist. Given there's really nothing innovative with this idea. It also doesn't feel that fresh to set it out from the pack. I think there should have been an added beat. Something that Mr. Hiss and Ms. Seale do to make Jace and Abram realize that they might be lying about the situation. That maybe they are aliens after all. Without that added beat, we just end. And a good kids horror book really shouldn't feel like it just ends. Especially on a low point like this one. Also yes, I'm counting this as another case of "cool cover, awful story". Thankfully I don't feel that way for the other Spinetinglers I've read, but this one is definitely the first to really raise my eyebrow and wonder why this book was the best idea for a first book in a series, because it's definitely the weakest first book I've covered so far with these GB-likes. I will say Abram and Jace are decent protagonists, albeit very generic. That's at least a plus?

So, yeah. I don't have really that much to say with this one. It's what mid is to the mid. A book that I think had a cool idea on it, and does at least have some cool ideas with the blood and all, but doesn't stick the landing at all and just feels more like a time waster than a classic. A real feeling of being handcuffed and unable to really commit to doing anything really dark or intense for a kids book. I hope this is a case of the exception, not the rule for Spinetinglers, but given I've read so little, we'll just have to see I guess. At least the second book was pretty damn awesome. Ah well, they can't all be winners. The Substitute Creature gets a C-.