The Stinal Countdown: Shark Night

So, with the new Goosebumps books of 2024 out of the way, we can focus on some more Stine standalones. Stine-dalones if you will. Last year was Slime Doesn't Pay! which was the story of a prize winning Goosebumps title from the 90s being in limbo for over a quarter century. This time we don't really have that, but we do have sharks. We had a shark in Deep Trouble, but barely. So it should be interesting to see what Stine does with this premise. It's time we get chummy with Shark Night.

Also yes, this was intended at one point for (Woo!) Party Summer 3, but I couldn't find a physical copy anywhere in time so screw it. Bought the ebook months later. 

This cover is decent. We have a decent shocked kid face with Liam's reaction to an oncoming hammerhead shark. Definitely the right kind of reaction to such a situation. I have a bad feeling I'm going to say this a lot, but this does give me Deep Trouble vibes. Kid in the water about to be attacked by a hammerhead. It does honestly feel like what you'd get for an alternate take on that cover. But for a book about sharks, it's fine.

We open with our protagonist, Liam Brachman, giving us a quiz on who he is. Stuff like his real name being Zippo Bippo Boppalini Boppaloni Jones (which feels like Stine's attempt at a Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo), he's allergic to the letter M, he's 101 and his mom's putting him in a giant fish tank with a hammerhead shark. Sadly, the only correct answer is the shark tank. Liam actually goes to... Duane Johnson Middle School? This seems like a thing Stine does nowadays with books, naming schools after celebrities, which I know is a thing. But not even getting Rock's first name right is silly. It's no Butt-Head Memorial Auditorium, I'll give it that. But Liam lives in Ventura, California. But none of that matters as, again, Liam is dealing with sharks. In this case, facing the Pacific Ocean with a diving suit trying to attract a shark while his mom watches on, getting footage for the Danger Channel. Oh, it's not taking too long to ring the "CALL CPS" alarm.

But before Liam gets presumably attacked by a shark, we travel back four months. Not gonna lie these first few chapters feel very Scatterbrain Stine. Liam's family consists of himself, his younger sister Rosa, their father who is in Antacrtica because he's a scientist, and their mom, Anna Brachman, who is a TV producer who also loves animals, and presumably trying to murder her child by shark-related reasoning. She takes Liam with her to the Danger Channel to pitch her show idea. They meet with the Program Development Chief Jerry Platz, who notes that Liam's name is similar to the video game series Super Liam Brothers, which they're making movies from. Oh now this DEFINITELY feels Scatterbrain Stine. I'm guessing a copyright thing (I mean, Nintendo's a litigious lot), but the book mentions Animal Planet right after so hell if I know. 

Anna's idea is a show called Pool Party, where they build a pool, invite people to swim in it, then release a shark to see how people react. Platz likes it, but can't do it because even he realizes that, yeah freaking out families with sharks would be cool and all, but it would be a rather dull premise to make a series out of. I dunno, we're in a world where Is it Cake? is still making new episodes. Oh, and if people got hurt or, you know, KILLED, they'd sue the network and that's worse than the redundancy. But Mrs. Brachman does have one more idea. Why not a show where you put a kid in a tank with a shark to take pictures of a shark? Surely the idea of a child in peril would pop big ratings. Platz accepts the deal and Mrs. Brachman is super excited, while also promising that Liam will TOTALLY not be the kid in the tank. What does this look like, a children's novella by author R.L. Stine? GETOUTTAHERE!

Liam and his friend Morgan are playing Fortnite later (I know this is a 2024 book but I feel my soul turning to salt just typing that) when Liam's eight year old sister Rosa forces him to take her skating, because she's THAT kind of younger sibling. Bullies her older brother into doing stuff and the parents don't do squat. Well, at least she's not a literal monster... I hope. As they head out, they spot a cat stuck in a tree. It's Princess, the cat who belongs to Lisi Klamm, Rosa's friend. And, with nobody else volunteering, Rosa volunteers Liam by force, which is bad given that he can't climb trees. Liam climbs, but gets stuck in the tree, the branch he's holding breaks, and he lands on top of Morgan. But the cat's down, and Liam's looked at as brave. So brave that Rosa says she'll tell their mom he should be in the shark tank. Because at this rate I think she just wants her brother dead. 

But that won't be just yet as Mrs. Brachman tells them that they got a twentysomething that looks like a teenager that will be perfect for the role. Which, I mean, yeah, no shit they're not just going to force a kid into a shark tank... yet. They head to the local Olympic pool to meet the man who will be the boy. His name is Swan Van Miller and he looks like a very muscular child. His parents were into birds and he has a sister named Sparrow. And now this book reminded me of Night of the Squawker, so that's a demerit. Mrs. Brachman interviews Swan, who seems apprehensive at first, but Rosa again volunteers Liam before shoving him the pool to potentially drown. Yeah, I was totally right at the end of the last paragraph, she's in full brother murder mode. 

The day of the shoot arrives and everyone is there, including Rosa who sings about Liam being bait. The shark is brought in and is said to be a toothless hammerhead. Shouldn't actually hurt anyone. Swan's worried, but he still decides to go through with it. He then proceeds to break his ankle. So yeah. Rosa's master plan is going in full swing. And, because there's nobody left to do so, Liam's the one going in the shark tank. She promises that if he does it she'll get him a PS5 and all the... one video game it has. So Liam goes into the ocean, then in the tank and the shark is lowered. But it's not a toothless hammerhead, it's a toothy bull shark. Look, this show's already breaking child labor laws and a metric ton of other laws, I can expect them to also bungle the shark too. It strikes Liam which ends up shattering the glass. In the chaos, he ends up further out to sea with no sign of any boats or anyone. As the shark goes after him again, he finds a dolphin who carries him to a nearby boat.

Liam winds up on a fishing boat with two men who look like pirates named Ernie and Sully. They, along with Teddy their dolphin are trying to be famous by collecting sharks for Shark Night. And Liam is about to be their unwilling bait. Put him in a shark cage, cut his arm and attract enough sharks for them to go viral and become a meme. There's that soul turning to salt again... They show Liam their shark cage which is just made of very weak foil, so he decides that jumping off this ship is better than whatever this plan is. Teddy saves Liam and carries him in the water. However, they soon get attacked by a giant octopus. Okay, we are like halfway through this book and we've gone from Scatterbrain Stine to autopilot Stine. This is going to be page after page of just "Liam in peril" for a bit, huh? Like we have long since lost the plot of the whole shark tank thing.

Liam gets grabbed by the octopus, but before this book can end far quicker than it maybe should have, he manages to escape and makes it to a nearby beach. Also Rosa is there. When the tank broke, she ended up caught in a wave and also ended up in the water and carried to this island. Also, neither kid knows where anyone else is, so it's just them on this island. Or so they think as Liam soon finds human footprints in the sand. After Liam gets attacked by a snake and survives, the pair find a spa and hotel. Reef Island Resort & Spa. The gate is locked, but Rosa just leaps over the wall. She may be finding joy in Liam's suffering, but she's at least more resourceful than he is. The two hop the wall and go into the hotel. They see people eating dinner and spot many of the stores in the building including a clothing store, which can replace their wet clothes. Reader beware, hypothermia is no joke. They hide until the store closes and take some clothes, only to be caught by a security guard because, I mean DUH.

The kids explain their situation (well, except the whole "Our mom's a TV producer who tried to get her son killed by a shark mainly under the persuasion of his sister" part) and they're lead to the hotel receptionist who tells them there's no phones at the hotel. It's an escape hotel, meaning no outside devices to communicate with the outside world. So Liam and Rosa run off and wind up in the karaoke club of the hotel. To which Rosa forces Liam into singing Respect by Aretha Franklin. This ends up getting them caught by a pair of security guards named Slade and Chomsky. But before they're thrown out, Liam and Rosa grab a kid and claim to be his cousin. The kid, Derek, is shaken, but otherwise fine with it given there's no wifi or like any fun stuff for kids to do at this resort. Remember when this book was about sharks? 

They tell Derek the truth about their situation, which he doesn't believe at first given, I mean, shark tank, wrong shark, dolphin, shark fishermen, octopus, sister somehow survives the ordeal. When you put it all out front like that, kind of makes you sound like a maniac. They ask Derek to let them stay in his hotel room for the night, but he just narcs on them. Liam and Rosa explain their situation to Slade and Chomsky, but they don't believe them for reasons stated above. They get the guards to call their mom, but when she answers, she says she doesn't have any kids, nor does she recognize Liam or Rosa's voices. Remember when this book was about sharks? The kids make another run for it, but get caught by Derek who tries to apologize, but Rosa sees through that and just yeets him into the pool. The kids hide in a nearby lagoon... which is a piranha lagoon. The kids manage to survive and escape and soon find themselves some chaise cabanas to sleep for the night. Then they get awakened by Swan who is also there. Remember when this book was about sharks?

Swan reveals that he never broke his ankle before going in the tank, but there's no time to explain what's going on (I don't even think Stine knows what's going on at this point) and says the kids have to trust him, even though he's already lied to them and, you know, put them in danger. He leads them to a canoe and he begins to row them. They try to get answers about what he knows, or how he even wound up here, but he doesn't explain anything to them as they end up back at the octopus. REMEMBER WHEN THIS BOOK WAS ABOUT SHARKS? Swan falls over the boat and gets grabbed by the octopus as both disappear. That's part of the bad news. The other is that the boat is filling with water and starts to sink. They soon find the boat belonging to Sully and Ernie. Which means back to the cage which means, holy crap, THIS BOOK IS ABOUT SHARKS AGAIN! Oh and Swan is there, but Liam's the one going in the cage this book is almost over thank god. Liam goes into the cage, into the water as sharks surround. They manage to break the cage, and before Liam's killed, he's raised back up to the surface, where is mom is there.

Yeah, this whole thing was fake. Sully was just Jerry Platz. All of the creatures and mishaps were effects from his studio. Liam was essentially gaslighted through the whole adventure, Rosa even knew, everyone was an actor, and when they called their mom, she said that as to not blow the shoot. Anyway, it's all over now, except it's not because Liam has to go back into the shark tank the next day and it's the wrong shark again because fuck this book.

I... oh I didn't care much for this book at all. Mainly in that it always felt like a bad case of Autopilot Stine. A ride book where it's going from one set piece to another without much substance to anything. I mean, the substance comes from the reveal at the end, but it still just feels like Stine had no idea how to make this book about a kid in a shark tank last the entire book, so we just have a book where Liam gets gaslit and forced into putting his life in danger constantly because his family, frankly, fucking sucks. We know Rosa is cool with Liam dying, but it's also clear his mom is too. Gives me the vibes of How I Learned to Fly with how Jack's parents treated him like an attraction and not a son. I don't know about the dad, maybe he's cool, maybe he's now The Thing for all we know being in the arctic and all, but even as The Thing he can't be worse than the mom. 

And it's because the book's plot is so thin that really nothing ever lands with any substance. None of the set pieces and encounters are all that interesting. Not even the shark stuff. Because it all moves so quick that nothing ever stays in your mind for long. And the twist being how it is hurts the book so much that it makes those encounters even more existent at best. There are some decent action scenes, but I just wish they felt like they mattered more, or that the story was more interesting. I mean, the hotel stuff is unique for these types of Stine stories, but it might be the part I was interested in the least. Because it's just a whole bunch of running and not much else. I get it, kids book and all, but it does feel like a really bad script being wedged into a kids horror book. I mean, given the plot, that makes sense, but still.

Liam is a decent protagonist. A kid forced into these situations beyond his control, so he's sympathetic at least. I don't know, it just feels too much that the plot being him not being told about anything and just forced upon him feels mean spirited, which I get is part of the point, but it also just feels like he's, again, a kid in a clearly abusive relationship. His mom clearly doesn't give a shit about his psyche, his sister clearly wants him to die, and everyone else is, again, cool with that. Which, maybe when you put it out loud like that, it does seem like the perfect encapsulation of child stars in the entertainment industry, so if that was somehow Stine's intended message to the whole book, then, cool I guess? Everyone else exists to be part of the whole gaslighting, so you really can't call them characters with much to them other than they're actors or agents, or people who are just cool with Liam possibly dying. 

"But you liked Camp Nightmare" you might say? Well I still think the structure of that story worked far better. Feeling like it always focused on the camp setting and was more about Billy's character growth. The twist also works better for the added nugget of them being aliens, as well as the parents' intent being seeing if Billy had the skills for the Earth expedition. Billy wasn't dicking around in a hotel and not in a camp for a chunk of that book. This always felt like it was intended FOR Billy, whereas this book's outcome sees Liam as fodder for TV ratings and really doesn't give a shit if it affects him at all. And, again, it just goes too over the top to be all that fun.

So, I don't know what it is, but I didn't gel with this one. I don't mind dark humor, and I do feel Stine can do the kid forced into peril stuff better. Friiight Night showed that. But this one just felt like it was too much on autopilot and just not exciting enough to ever be something really good. There are some decent parts, some okay action, but it feels too much like Stine pushing out a book without any care involved. It feels like a book that's product, not passion. Which, honestly, I was hoping wouldn't be the case with these Stine-dalones, but oh well. I'll give it the thinnest recommend I could give and just move on from it. It's a quick read, maybe you'll like it more than I did, but this one just sunk like a rock in the ocean.