The Stinal Countdown: Slime Doesn't Pay!

Hey look. Two new Stine books releasing in the same month. I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. Well, given it took me a bit to get a physical copy of the damn thing, maybe the curse part is more accurate. Regardless, it's time for yet another trip into the world of Stine and kids horror, and it's not from Goosebumps. Although it does have some interesting history that's loosely tied to Goosebumps. Essentially, during the original run of the series, a contest was held to come up with a title for a Goosebumps book. The title that won was "Slime Doesn't Pay". However, nothing ever came of the title and it became another case of Goosebumps vaporware alongside Goosebumps Gold (You can also read a full interview with the winner of the contest over here.). 

That is until out of the blue in late 2022, a listing popped up for Slime Doesn't Pay! And sure enough, this is a book written by R.L. Stine, though not affiliated with either Goosebumps or Scholastic, but with Blackstone Publishing, who publish some of Stine's other works including the Garbage Pail Kids books. That's right, Stine wrote Garbage Pail Kids books. Will I ever read them for the blog? I'm not exactly jumping at the opportunity, but eh maybe. So, what happened here? Did it pop back in Stine's head without him realizing where he remembered the title? Either way, let's see if the end result was worth the near three decade wait. Let's talk about why Slime Doesn't Pay!

This cover rules so much and would fit right in if this were Goosebumps. The blue slime looking gross and sinewy mixed with Arnie's transformation process slowly encompassing him. The little touch of things like his teeth changing is such a cool addition. It makes for one of the most enticing covers I've seen for a Stine work in a long time. And if you know what that means for me, oh dear. But hopefully I get proven wrong for once and this one has a story befitting of such a bad ass cover.

The book starts with Amy, our protagonist, talking about how she shouldn't be blamed for what she did to her little brother Arnie, in this book. See, eight year old Arnie is THAT kind of younger sibling. As in a pain that always drives Amy crazy. But given this is Goosebumps/Goosebumps-Adjacent Parents, they don't do anything to curtail it, so he's just gotten worse over time. So Amy and her friend Lissa did something about that, but she should be forgiven despite her muck up. We then start the story proper with Amy and Lissa about to have a sleepover where they have to deal with snobby girl Marta, who is there because Amy's mom is trying to get a job from Marta's dad, otherwise they have to move away because it's 2023 and the job market is gutter trash. As Lissa goes to greet their friend Sophie, Amy thinks she hears Arnie in her closet, but instead gets attacked by a monster with black fur and quills. Oh no, she got attacked by Shadow the Hedgehog!

Despite being attacked by some strange monster, nobody believes Amy. Everyone checks the house and end up in Arnie's room. Arnie's busy playing a VR game instead of doing homework and just acts like a snotty shit in front of the girls (and in front of his mom, but I can already tell they're THOSE kind of parents). The girls head downstairs as Amy's mom is cooking a pizza, only to notice the oven door open and black quills on the pizza. So whatever's in the house likes Pizza. So we can rule out it being the Noid. Arnie comes downstairs and badmouths Amy some more before taking a pizza slice from the garbage can and throwing it right in her face. 30 pages deep and we might have peaked in ultimate "little shit" territory. 

Not even a few seconds after leaving the room, Arnie screams, saying that he saw the monster, but it was again just to mess with Amy. I mean, yeah, little shit, but Amy is a very easy mark. Amy notably envies Marta for being an only child and even finds her cool for being rich and confident enough to make jokes. As the girls have their sleepover, Amy shows them the dress she's wearing for picture day, which is the same dress Marta once owned and gave to a thrift store, which is mother coincidence kicking Amy in the butt some more I guess. They then watch a video from a channel called The Unwatchables, featuring two guys and a girl creating a giant tub of blue slime, which they then throw on an unsuspecting part of the show. This gives the girls an idea to get some revenge on Arnie, but before they can react to that, they see a burglar trying to break into the house. Well that escalated.

However, they soon see it's Amy's 18 year old cousin Max, who decided to pull the prank thanks to Arnie's suggestion. But the outcome turns out to be worse than the funny joke of attempted burglary as Marta injured her knee, so she's heading home, as are the rest of the girls. A couple days later, Arnie's sent home from school for cutting off a girl's ponytail. You know, I don't condone corporal punishment, but while Slime may not pay, in this case, two hands around Arnie's throat all Homer Simpson style might do it. Lissa and Amy then practice for the upcoming Fiddler on the Roof play for the drama club when Arnie shows up, opens the window and causes their script to go flying everywhere. Amy notes that Arnie's always been awful, even as a baby. He once bit their grandmother's nose so bad she needed stitches. So, if the twist is what I think it is, and I'm certain because this IS Stine after all, calling him a little monster would be an understatement.

Arnie's parents are getting sick of Arnie's crap too, but still aren't doing anything about it, especially given not just the hair cutting, but apparently he would jump on people's backs wanting a ride. But more to the point, Amy needs a baby picture to take for her school picture day, and as she looks through a flash drive of old baby pics, she doesn't see any for Arnie. But they're in separate flash drives, which is built up to be weird that you'd organize photos, but I dunno. Seems like the least shocking mystery part so far. Amy has a nightmare about Arnie entering her room like Max did, which is bad enough, but when she takes Arnie to school the next day, he jumps in a puddle and ruins her new rain poncho. So you'd think we're getting to the fireworks factory and sliming this brat, right? Slime may not pay, but Stine loves padding, so we're still a bit away from that. Amy tells her mother, but she thinks Amy is exaggerating and blames their lack of punishing him on them not finding stable jobs.

Amy meets with Sophie and walks with her for a bit. But when she heads home, Amy is attacked by another strange creature that kind of looks like a griffin without wings. It bites her leg before turning its attention to a squirrel which it licks, and licks, and licks and then just lets go. Wait what? Amy continues running and almost gets hit by a car. She then runs to Sophie's to tell her of the creature, but there's no creature in sight so she just looks more crazy. They then find a neighbor's dog instead. She returns home as Arnie was kicked off the soccer team for kicking the ball at the faces of five kids and injuring them. He also says that he was the monster who scared Amy, but she doesn't believe him because we're still halfway in before the shoe can fully drop. 

Things continue to get bad, as you'd expect, as after taking Arnie to a place at the Mall called Game Haven, he puts a game in Amy's bag and tries to get her in trouble for shoplifting. At this point if we learned Arnie killed people, I wouldn't be surprised. You think that maybe now we can move on to the sliming that may or may not pay, but nope. There's still some padding in this old mattress. But, after having an orange smoothie, Arnie actually does something good by finding a lost cell phone and bringing it back to its owner. So rare silver lining before things get worse again. Amy and Lissa make banana bread but Arnie comes in with a cup of bugs and pours it in. And, of course, his parents won't punish him and again blame not having jobs. I think I already know why they don't punish Arnie, but at this point we are in full wheel spinning territory. Even with pages with art in them, this book still did not need to be 240 pages. 

The next day is picture day, but when Amy wakes up, her parents freak out because Arnie wrote a bad word on her forehead. We of course don't know what word, but I definitely think it's probably derogatory and starts with either a B, or more distressingly a C. And before you go "Oh, no eight year old would have heard the C word" remember that this is the same kid who planned a fake burglary and attempted an actual one. He absolutely knows the seven dirty words. But, because they can't wash off the word, that means Amy can't go to school for picture day. Rightfully angered, Any texts Lissa and they both decide that now, with about 90 pages left in the book, they should finally get that revenge on Arnie. The fireworks factory. It's in sight. Just a few more miles and we'll be there at last. 

Amy talks with Lissa, Marta and Sophie about how to get the perfect revenge on Arnie. Marta suggests drowning him, which so far seems like the best idea anyone's come up with. But Amy recalls the Unwatchables video about the blue slime and comes up with the perfect idea. Make a gallon of the slime and wait until Arnie's birthday party at Jump Street, the trampoline place. Dump the slime on him there and he'll be humiliated. It's the perfect plan. And it totally WILL pay, I'm sure. They follow the recipe, but then decide to use Wacky Glue, the strongest adhesive there is, to make sure the slime is extra sticky. The birthday party happens and Arnie, as expected, is just an ass to everyone there. Popping balloons and being a nuisance. It soon becomes time to blow out the candles, and when Arnie does so, it gives Lissa and Amy the perfect time to drop the slop on him.

And, as you were already expecting, Arnie starts to transform into a monster. A furry beast with a long snout. It causes mayhem at the party and attacks Amy, who passes out. She wakes up at home as her parents are upset that Arnie went full monster and need to know what the girls put in the slime. So the girls do just that, recreate the blue slime. They go to splash Arnie, but he broke through the garage and is now rampaging through town. They eventually find him, but he grabs Amy, causing her to be splashed by the slime. She thinks this means she'll turn into a monster, but she doesn't as her parents remain vague on what's going on in a book with 25 pages left to it. 

Arnie continues rampaging until he finds his friend Kwame. However, despite being Arnie's friend, Kwame gets grabbed by him and lifted up a lamppost. Before Arnie drops him, Lissa shows up with another orange smoothie. Arnie drinks it, and lets Kwame back down to the ground safely. They eventually lead Arnie back to his house, but he still doesn't change back. And it's here where we finally get the answer as to why the baby pictures were separated.

Because, as you already guessed by now, Arnie was always a monster. Even as a baby when Amy's parents adopted him. He eventually turned humanoid, because Arnie is a shapeshifter. Meaning he was telling the truth about the earlier attack. And, as you also probably guessed, the reason Amy's parents never punish Arnie is because he's a monster that's impossible to tame, but they thought that him being around humans could change him. But the glue in the slime got in Arnie's pores, so now he's a monster for life. Which would be a bad thing, but just then Amy's dad gets a call from a movie director that wants to have Arnie as the star of his upcoming horror films. So mega happy ending. The family have financial security, Arnie's a movie star, and Amy might want to try more revenge stuff with worms and shaving cream. Sure, whatever.

So, was almost 30 years of this title in the ether worth the wait? Was this the best way to use the title? Honestly, no and yes. Yes in that I do think that this was the best way to use the title given the concept of the plot, but also no in that even so, it wasn't exactly a book that felt like it should have taken this long to publish, because it's pretty part and parcel Stine stuff. It would have easily fit into Goosebumps proper. Right down to his "they were monsters all along" style ending. But because of that style ending, it gives some of Stine's worst tropes for these kids books, which includes the parents not doing anything about the monster they harbored and letting their daughter suffer for no good, logical reason. Yes, the book makes it clear that Arnie is impossible to control because he's a literal monster, but it also means chapter after chapter after chapter of Arnie doing something terrible to Amy or literally trying to kill her at certain points. 

So it becomes a mixture of his normal wheel spinning and padding along with the frustration of watching the older kid suffer because the parents couldn't just fill her the hell in on what's going on. When I say Arnie's so bad he could get away with murder, yeah, the book makes it clear he really could. It's not to the level of emotionally abusive parents like the Websters from The Cuckoo Clock of Doom or the Dreezers from Dr. Maniac Will See You Now, but still falls into still feeling abusive because they've left Amy in the dark about all of this, even after she's already been attacked by Arnie in monster form. I get it's meant to service the twist, but it just comes off as annoying to read through. Especially for 240 pages. 

Amy is a decent protagonist. Nothing outright unique about her, other than you feeling bad for her constant plight with Arnie. And the book does a good enough job in making you feel bad for her. Be it the attacks from monster Arnie, the constant abuse in human form, him ruining everything for her, him almost getting her arrested, or him straight up marking slurs on her face. The book makes you want to see her get revenge on him no matter what the cost, even if it ultimately blows up in her face. Lissa serves well as the best friend who gets involved in the big mess. Marta and Sophie are our Superfluous Clays for the book in that they do serve as friends for Amy, but neither add too much to the main plot to be all that necessary in the grand scheme. Kwame got less screentime and even he added to the plot given he was almost a victim of Arnie's. 

If Stine's intent was to make the most detestable character he's ever made, then Arnie is definitely in contention. Written from the jump to be rude, cruel, ignorant, and super violent towards others, especially Amy. Which narratively makes sense given he IS a monster. So you do want to see him get what's coming to him, even if in the end it just makes him more of a monster than he already was. I do like the concept of the orange smoothie being the kryptonite to his jackassery, so it can at least add to the mega happy ending that all they need to control him is the smoothie. The parents are annoying, mainly because it plays into the twist. I just don't like the idea that they never told Amy about any of this and just let Arnie abuse her constantly. This may be the ultimate "CALL CPS" parents we've had in Stine's work, but, like I said, still aren't the most emotionally abusive ones we've had either.

So, ultimately this book was just okay. Nothing that feels too out of the ordinary for a Stine kids work and, if cleaned up, could have easily fit into Goosebumps proper. Nothing about the book feels any different than a Goosebumps book other than it being over 200 pages and having illustrations. So it definitely feels like something Stine could have always made, but seemingly was just made aware again of the title and chose to throw together a by the numbers plot. But, I will still give it a light recommend. It's way too padded and slogs by the middle with way too many examples of Arnie doing awful stuff before we get to the point, but I think it does a few things just right enough to be passible.