The Stinal Countdown: Fear Street: The Cataluna Chronicles #02: The Dark Secret

It's time to hit the road again and drive into Shadyside for another installment of The Cataluna Chronicles. Last time we got cat witches, haunted cars, haunted cars in the 1600s somehow, petty theft and quite a bit of death to quench one's thirst. How does the story continue? And can this second part be a strong enough bridge to take us to the finale? Let's learn about The Dark Secret and find out. 

This cover is kind of forgettable. I do like the continuation of the dead trees background and I love the purple color mixed with the pinkish moon. But I just feel that the biggest issue with the cover is a lack of the Cataluna itself. We get our protagonists looking on in fear, but nothing that sets it apart from so many other thriller covers that do the same. To the point that if you bought this book, on face value you wouldn't know this book is the second part of a story about a haunted car witch. So, for being a cover to get me excited to continue this saga, it ultimately lacks.

In 1698, a girl named Catherine Hatchett was dubbed as bad luck by the rest of the town. Believed to be a witch that cursed the village of West Hampshire. Beaten by the other kids, verbally abused by the people she thought were her parents, Catherine soon discovered that a woman named Gwendolyn was her real mother and that she did have the power to transform. After getting revenge on a boy named Joseph, she is eventually caught and is almost hanged, but manages to turn into a rat and kill Joseph's father before running away. Joseph's brother William vowed to eventually get revenge on Catherine, Cat of the Moon, the Cataluna. Cut to 1995 where a boy named Bryan Folger is transfixed with a sports car named the Cataluna. To the point that he begins to commit thefts to pay for the car. He sees that his friend Alan had bought the car, so he attacks Alan and steals the Cataluna. Bryan discovers that the car has a mind of its own as a female voice mocks him, asking him if he's having fun. After the car goes on a wild ride, which includes causing one kid to lose his hand, Bryan and the Cataluna are soon stopped. Bryan's body found inside the car, dead of fright.

Kurt Masters is elated. His parents bought him a car for his seventeenth birthday. A sleek, white sportscar named the Cataluna. He notes that it's a perfect car, save for a small oil leak. He goes to fix it, but notes the car is still hot, despite being off since the previous night. Suddenly, he hears a girl's laughter and even more suddenly hot steam begins to spray on his face. Hotter and hotter until it boils his face, melting his skin. So yeah, Kurt's dead before he even gets behind the wheel. So at least we know Catherine at least has some fun ways to kill her victims. We then get the narration of William Parker, who notes that he first saw the Cataluna back in West Hampshire in 1698, which means it's time to start us off with a trip back to the past.

William is still following Catherine, noting the destruction in her path, namely the charred cornstalks. I mean, devil's advocate, you'd get some popcorn out of it. He makes his way to the mountains, noting a small shack nearby. Inside, however, all he can find are the skeletal corpses of those who once inhabited. Suddenly, a black snake attacks him. William grabs the leg of one of the corpses and tries to attack it, only for the snake to bite him in the leg, then transform from a cat to a girl. Yeah, this was Catherine's doing. She notes the very fair point of "all this death technically wouldn't have happened if you didn't treat her like shit. But now that's on all of you. She taunts him some more as he passes out from the poison. She makes her leave while William recovers since I guess Catherine didn't kill him. Maybe she LIKES the chase? We end this portion of 1698 with more of William's "I'll get you next time, Gadget. Next time." 

Back to 1995 as we're introduced to stepsisters Regina and Lauren Patterson. And one of the weirder openings we've gotten involving Regina's boyfriend Justin Norris pretending to be a dog and wanting Lauren to rub his belly as a way of flirting with her too? But he gets the attention of their dog Spot. Justin then calls himself Hulk Hound Dog, and play wrestles with the dog. And then he takes a rubber band and ties Spot's legs together WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING? Before this becomes some fucked up kink, Regina puts a stop to Justin going too far. Lauren takes Spot to the kitchen and grabs a coke while noting how Regina sure knows how to pick them since Justin's a bad boy who's been kicked out of school a few times. She also notes how Regina has perfect curly red hair and a great bod and this is also becoming someone's fucked up kink.

Mrs. Patterson shows up, which is cue for Justin to leave. She shows Regina and Lauren the car keys belonging to the Cataluna. Regina takes the keys and she and Lauren take a drive, only for the car to start going out of control and almost hitting a rollerblading girl. They stop in time, Lauren hearing the sound of laughter, but more importantly, they check on the young girl named Sammy who is safe and sound, surprisingly. Later, Lauren goes to take the Cataluna to show her friend Marcy, only for Regina to have taken it to see Justin, which gets Regina in trouble because she's not supposed to be with Justin and Lauren in trouble because she technically snitched. Regina gets mad at Lauren for snitching and even Lauren notes that it seems like Regina's just been acting out worse lately. Case in point, while the two go driving again, Regina almost runs over another kid chasing after a tricycle. Both hear the laughter, but Regina says it must be the radio. You know, the one that's NOT ON. Lauren goes driving later and hears the voice once again, asking Lauren if she wants to have some fun. But that fun will have to wait. It's back to 1698.

William continues his quest to find Catherine, but soon becomes so hungry and tired that he passes out. He's found by a girl his age named Evie Mason, who knows his name and his brother and father, which should be red flags, but William's smitten by her. He then notices a black cat come in with human looking eyes. She calls the cat Raven and when William looks again, it has normal cat eyes. Evie's father, Henry Mason, shows up and they give William the meal he hasn't had in ages. Henry shows William around the farm, noting a malnourished horse and that there's been a bit of a curse going on since his niece Jessica from Philadelphia arrived. This has also led to their farmhand Charlie dying some time as well. He then asks William to stay on as a farmhand and to take care of Evie. But he doesn't need William's answer just yet, so we can pad a little.

That night, William gets attacked by Raven the Cat. He grabs a knife and slashes the cat. He is stopped by Evie and Jessica who don't buy the idea that Raven is actually an evil cat girl witch named Catherine, though when Henry hears the story he at least thinks maybe there's truth to it given the curse and all. The next day William notes that Jessica looks rather strange with her cap, as if she's trying to hide something from him. But he's more focused on chopping wood with Henry, who tells him that Charlie had died next to the well, with a bucket filled up with blood. As they continue to chop wood, William hears the laughter of Catherine, and in his haste, ends up chopping off one of Henry's hands with the axe. So, yeah. Not doing a great job in not coming off more cursed than Catherine. With Henry dead and now people wanting to hang William, he runs off, vowing revenge on Catherine. 

Back to 1995 we go. We learn that Lauren's friend Marcy is a bit of a supernatural type, who reads horoscopes and everything. To the point that people hum the Twilight Zone theme around her. Come on, you all live in Shadyside and the girl who predicts a pop quiz is the weirdo? Lauren returns home and tries to talk to Regina, but she's still getting ignored for the snitches stuff. She then conveniently hears on the radio about a hit and run with an old lady who died in her car instantly on impact. Lauren goes to drive the Cataluna, but notices a strange smudge of red paint on the front. Probably just scratched another car while going to see Justin. Totally not a case of putting two and two together. 

Lauren talks with Marcy about how Regina's been acting since the Cataluna came into their life. How she almost hit one kid and ran over another kid's trike. Like she's possessed somehow. As she heads home in the Cataluna, someone sneaks up to her from the backseat. It's Justin. Look, after the dog stuff, I'm less surprised that he's a backseat creeper too. Suddenly, the voice in the car urges her to kiss Justin, which she ends up doing so. She then reacts angrily that Justin would so easily betray Regina like this, then starts to panic when she again hears the laughter. She drives off in a rush. That night, she argues again with Regina who says that she's not the one who's changed, Lauren has. Lauren heads off, before Mr. Patterson notes another hit and run. Some guy got run down by a car. Lauren then notices a smear of red on one of the Cataluna's headlights. This is proof that Regina's the hit and run driver. I mean, the twist is pretty damn obvious, but we have another 50+ pages until then.

Since she's already in hot water with Regina and doesn't want her to, you know, go to jail for, YOU KNOW, murder, Lauren cleans off the blood with an old T-shirt and then goes to the old mill to bury it in the mud. I mean, still the early days of forensic research and DNA evidence, and also stupid, paranoid teenager syndrome. As she leaves, Lauren sees headlights nearby and believes someone must have seen her and someone must be following her. She heads to Marcy's and tells her about what's going on with Regina. Marcy notes the Cataluna doesn't have a scratch on it. How could a car run over someone and not have a scratch? It's not like it's some sort of HAUNTED car or anything? She tries to talk with Regina but doesn't get an answer just yet. Lauren then has a dream of the Cataluna filled with blood. Okay, how was THAT not the cover? Forget two teens on a cover, now that would have been an incredible sight to see. The next day, Lauren gets Regina into the Cataluna and tells her that she believes Regina is the one doing the hit and run murders, but Regina sets it straight. It's been Lauren the whole time. But we'll see where that leads after we take another trip to 1698.

William is still on the run, about to be hanged, when he ducks into a shack. He hears the men coming after him and about to enter the shack, so he tries to run again, only to be caught by Evie, who seems to be helping him. She tells him that her dad lost a lot of blood, but he's still alive. He just won't be giving anyone two thumbs up anymore. She has been set straight since she noticed Jessica taking her cap off and spotting the red crescent moon on her temple, the sign of Catherine. So likely the real Jessica was killed ages ago and Catherine has taken her place. But with her at the farm, this could be William's chance as he heads off to the farm to confront her. He returns to the farm and finds Jessica sleeping in her bed. He takes the knife and contemplates if he can really just kill her in her sleep like this. But that question will be answered after one more trip to 1995.

Lauren is in disbelief over being blamed, but Regina mentions that she's been following Lauren this entire time in their mom's car. She's witnessed Lauren committing the hit and runs in the Cataluna. She was at the mill when Lauren hid the evidence. It's why she stayed in her bedroom, trying to hide from Lauren. It all finally flashes in Lauren's head. The murders, the woman's voice urging her to go faster. The voice then asks if Lauren liked the power given to her, which Lauren nods, the voice urging her not to let Regina take it away from her. Regina leaves the car, in a panic over, you know, her murdering stepsister, when Lauren gets back in the car and floors the gas, ready to run her down. However, the car drives through the woods and into to the nearby lake instead where Lauren and the Cataluna sink to the water below. She awakens on a stretcher. Regina had managed to dodge the Cataluna and was able to get Lauren and the car out of the lake in time. She comforts Lauren while the nearby firefighters note how they really want this car.

Turns out that William ultimately is fine with killing Jessica as he stabs her to death. However, he probably should have checked for the crescent birthmark as there isn't any. Evie shows up and transforms into Catherine because, yeah, Evie's been dead for a while. So, in terms of getting revenge, William is really bad at this. He leaps at Catherine to grab her, but she turns into a mouse and runs out of the farmhouse. William gives chase and soon finds Catherine by a strange vehicle with a voice being heard. The voice tells Catherine that she is Gwendolyn, her mother. And get this, she's actually from about 300 years in the future. When she was with child, she took the car and traveled back to the 1600s. You know, a great time period to raise a girl. Oh this is some time travel closet shit. Gwendolyn then tells Catherine to step inside as the car is going to take Catherine to the future. William leaps inside as well as the two travel to the future. They arrive in the future where they immediately end up crashing the car. Both seemingly dead. However Catherine's spirit entered the Cataluna, while William's spirit is still around, ready for that revenge. But that'll have to wait until part three.

Oh there is a very, very rushed feeling to the end of this part. More so than even the time travel closet in Beach House. At least that seemed like an idea that Stine had in mind from the start. So much of this book's last chapter feels like Stine hit a wall in how to tie both 1698 and 1995 together and how to get William from the past to the future without him being immortal or something. So we get perhaps his sloppiest work ever. Gwendolyn's a witch who traveled back in time to the time of witch burnings to raise her witch child. But to travel back in time she had a time traveling car that also had the power to absorb Catherine's spirit and turn the car into an evil murder car. Didn't check the speedometer there. Did it also go 88 miles per fuckin' hour, Bob? You can't tell me Stine wasn't on something when he came up with this idea. Or the outliner was on something at least.

I still don't give a shit about William. Again, all of this is his fault. His need for revenge on Catherine is pretty much the root cause of all the things he goes through. And now he also murdered an innocent girl and disfigured an innocent man. If everyone had left Catherine the hell alone to begin with, none of this would have happened. And, most likely, Catherine wouldn't have turned evil. When you treat a witch like shit her entire life, you kind of have the bad luck coming to you. We have one more book to go to change my mind on him, but for now, he's the coldest I think I've ever felt for a Fear Street protagonist that isn't Reva. Though at least Reva had character to her despite being a bitch to everyone. William's got jack shit other than "You killed my brother and daddy, wah!" 

The B-plot for this one is okay, but also nothing all too spectacular. Been a while since I said it, but Stine is not a good mystery writer. Not once did it ever feel like Regina could have been the hit and run killer. Yes, they set up her manic behavior early on, but we never see when Lauren is driving the Cataluna, and the voice seemingly focuses on her. Of course it's Lauren. So you're just waiting for the eventual reveal. And given we get really no deep violence or any real gore in this section, with the main hit and runs being offscreen, it feels like the most toothless segment we've gotten in any of these trilogies. It says a lot when he doesn't even kill the dog. At least stuff felt more interesting with Bryan in part one. At least we get more of a focus on his turn to evil and even get some gore by the end. Here, it just feels like going through the motions. Needing again to have that thread to hold together the 1995 and 1698 stuff. But, you could have cut all this, made this book a Super Chiller and lost nothing. Forget Brandt and the witch doctor stuff from 99 Fear Street. THIS is the most Superfluous Clay second part in all of Fear Street.

So, unfortunately, we've hit a speed bump. We started not high, but optimistic enough to now feeling less enthusiastic and very underwhelmed about where this trilogy is leading. If this was meant to be the bridge book, it's the least sturdy bridge Stine has ever written. Its strength was entirely the 1698 stuff which at this point I wish just was the whole story and we didn't need to wedge in time travel witch car. I'd say for this book, just stick with the 1698 stuff and then work your way to the third book. Though we still have that to go. So hopefully Stine can stick the landing. He's done miracles before. Hopefully the last book doesn't DRIVE me mad. The Dark Secret gets a C+. 

IT WAS ACCEPTABLE IN THE 90S: CDs, Christian Slater Comparisons, Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey, VCR, VHS Tapes, A lack of understanding how DNA works.