Horrific Hindsight: Goosebumps Most Wanted

By the time Hall of Horrors came around, it was clear that Stine was finally ready to ditch a serialized story in favor for the return of the classic formula. Mostly because it meant that you don't have to end a story with the protagonist seemingly making it out in one piece to live another day. So Stine was finally ready to shed the HorrorLand weight and return with a new series. And it was going to be a mix of new villains and some returning rogues. And of course he'd bring Slappy along for the ride. I mean it's not like Stine was going to make an entire series based around Slappy which could be an excuse for more Living Dummy books. What maniac would do something like that? I mean, Stine's that maniac, but before we get there, we have to talk about Most Wanted. A saga of Goosebumps that I feel is the beginning of the quality downturn.

It's really here where I feel that Goosebumps' modern era run begins to feel like there's just something off about Stine's work. That the things that worked about the series in the past are replaced with what would begin to feel very formulaic, even for Stine. Something that feels true in SlappyWorld. Here's the craziest stat. No book in the entirety of Most Wanted's 14 book run got an A. Highest grade was a B+. Maybe some might shine better with hindsight, but otherwise this is the only series where I didn't find a true gem of quality. A few that come damn close, but a lot of stuff that wears it down. And the more I think about why that is, the more I kind of realize what my problem is. This feels like a very dour set of books. Some more mean spirited than others, but with some exceptions, there is just a more depressing feeling for a lot of the books. 

Not to mention a focus more on a good kid having their life ruined for no good reason. Jay Gardner is a good kid who ends up becoming a malfunctioning robot who does bad things. Jackson Stander is the perfect kid who gets his life ruined by his sister Rachel and Slappy. Sammy Baker is a timid but well meaning kid who is put through hell thanks to the ghost of Benjamin Marple. And then there's Richard Dreezer who just isn't allowed to be happy. His parents verbally abuse him even when he does the right thing, his little brother torments him and never gets in trouble, even Bree treats him like shit constantly for, again, issues beyond his control. And he doesn't get a happy ending either. The message I get with so many of these is that happiness is fleeting and you're destined to suffer anyway. Whether intentional or not, this is R.L. Stine's most nihilistic era in the Goosebumps series and that's saying a lot.

And then there's the special editions. The most un-special special edition books I've ever read. None felt like they needed the longer page count, and in some cases, it just felt like padding the book exposed how little the books had in terms of ideas or concepts. Jovial Bob back on autopilot. Which I think gives this the feeling of the most forgettable era in Goosebumps. Like a weird speed bump between the HorrorLand/Hall of Horrors books and SlappyWorld, a series that sadly continued a lot of Most Wanted's worst traits. I'm looking at you The Lizard of Oz. 

But that's not like all the books were awful. They just feel like there could have been more done to make them outstanding. Clown Street and Puppet People are neat concepts that could have been better built, while How I Met My Monster and Here Comes the Shaggedy almost land perfectly. But they still fall victim to Most Wanted Syndrome. A feeling of Stine's efforts feeling not as strong as usual. Which is ironic. Most Wanted is the series I'm interested in the least. 

Now it's time for the ranking. 15 books total this time. Some with super low marks. This will be more interesting to see what managed to bubble up to the surface. Let's get to talking.

#15: Wanted: The Haunted Mask: A car crash in print form, this may be one of the most infuriating books I've ever read and that's saying a lot. And it starts so good with the gory prologue followed by the actual chaos when Lu-Ann puts on the Haunted Mask. It's a lot of action and energy that could have been a strong standalone story. A way to do a non-Carly Beth Haunted Mask tale right. And then we spend the rest of the book in a fucking pumpkin patch being scared by ghost pumpkins until Lu-Ann shows up in the last few pages. This feels like two mediocre books superglued into one and might take the prize for actual worst sequel book, if you want to call it that. 

#14: Dr. Maniac Will See You Now (05): Few books made me as uncomfortable as this one. I'm not against mean spirited stories, but this was overkill. Like, why? Why is Richard constantly shit on for no good reason? Like, he legit does nothing wrong and yet everyone treats him like crap. You'd think, I don't know, maybe Bree would lighten up on him, but no, she's shit. His parents are shit. His brother is shit. All while we're in a story where things do happen, but it moves at such a messy pace that nothing stays in your mind other than it just feeling too dour to be enjoyable. At least Purple Rage was in it? That's the only saving throw it had from getting an F.

#13: Trick or Trap! (SE 01): To summarize: Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. They're in a house for a few minutes. Nothing's happening. Something about a mask and a gold tooth. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of readers look pissed.

This is the most nothing Goosebumps book ever and that's saying something. And making it a Special Edition only accentuated just how lackluster this thing is. 

#12: Frankenstein's Dog (04): I don't know if the title was put there because Frankenweenie was getting a release or if maybe Stine had an actual idea about a Frankenstein dog, But I can easily say that would be a thousand times better than what we got, which was your standard robot clones story without as much interesting substance. And stuff like using the growth potion even though it didn't work the first time and still doesn't the second time feels like classic Stine padding. Otherwise it's a book that just feels existent. 

#11: The Haunter (SE 04): Another Special Edition that felt not special at all, but at least has a more interesting plot than the other two I've already mentioned. That's not saying much mind you. This one feels like Stine did a lot of sampling with older plot concepts and some are very noticeable. Some concepts, like Benjamin possessing Sammy just feels like Son of Slappy, a book that was already in Most Wanted, so even with the possession gimmick over mind control, it still feels so similar. It's the definition of a passable book.

#10: Night of the Puppet People (08): There's some neat ideas with this one that just ultimately amount to squat. Ben and Jenny's fear of puppets starts as important but doesn't matter really at all by the end. The evil puppets are a cool concept, but we've done that with Slappy way too many times for this to feel fresh. We turn Ben into a puppet and that's creepy, but never feels like it's that incredible a swerve. But the latter end's insanity keeps it from being any lower. I will never get over Puppet Cells. Of all of Stine's insane bullshit, Puppet Cells might be the absolute pinnacle of asspulls. 

#09: Creature Teacher: The Final Exam (06): Was there a demand to bring Mrs. Maaargh back? I'm sure someone wanted it, but I dunno. That being said however, this book is still pretty good. Taking the concept from the first book and this time having it be at a sports camp where the competition to avoid being eaten by Mrs. Maaargh feels more intense. I will say Tommy being so gullible and constantly falling for the help of the others is the only real letdown for me, and a bland twist, but yeah, this wasn't too bad. Keeps the tradition of camp books being solid. 

#08: The Twelve Screams of Christmas (SE 02): The rare Goosebumps Christmas book and it's not that bad. Granted, nothing outwardly incredible, especially being a Special Edition, but what we get is one of the better books. Kate's a decent protagonist and her gimmick of being able to see and communicate with ghosts actually plays into the story just fine. We also get some really great disturbing imagery with the Marcus family. There is a general dark feel to this story that really works. Shame it's padded to hell and way longer than it needed to be. Not a lump of coal, but not much better.

#07: Zombie Halloween (SE 01): The best of the Special Edition books and yet still suffers from feeling too bloated and padded. You could have removed the 1944 stuff and lost nothing, you could have cut a lot of the Zombie Patrol stuff and also lost nothing. We get enough zombie action by the end and even some vampire stuff as the twist which I do find to be a better take on this, even if it's the most obvious twist Stine's ever done for these and that again is saying a lot. Also I got to make Mario references in the blog so that was a plus.

#06: A Nightmare on Clown Street (07): I like this book, but really feel like there was potential to make this one of the greats. You don't get a lot of evil clowns in Goosebumps so any take would be appreciated. I like the mystery about what's going on at the Koko's Klown Academy, what's up with Uncle Theo, the mystery of the dunk tank and Clown Street itself. I just wish it had a more interesting final villain than the Frightener and a far more enjoyable finale. It also might be Stine's laziest book giving us a second kid named Ray Gordon and giving us a different Murder the Clown. If this was cooked better, it could have been a contender, but Stine clowned on us yet again.

#05: Son of Slappy (02): While I kvetch over the dour and defeatist feel to a lot of these books, the one that did it the best was the one with Slappy in it. I swear I'm so mixed on him yet he just keeps popping back up like an evil wooden zit. It's also the first and really only book where we see what being a "slave" (now servant in newer books) to Slappy actually comes off as. And that's a person forced into doing evil things against their power. It's the mean spirited ending that at least works more so than the others. 

#04: The Lizard of Oz (10): Any of the final four could probably take the top spot, that's just how lackluster this batch was, but I'd still probably end up putting Lizard of Oz at the bottom of that four when it comes down to it. Mainly because this book more than any other feels like the book Stine created a template out of. Because we sure go back to the puberty allegory a lot. Especially in more recent SlappyWorld fare. So for being a horrible catalyst, it gets low marks. It mostly wins for that dark ending.

#03: Here Comes the Shaggedy (09): It definitely feels like this book is, for the most part, wearing Werewolf of Fever Swamp's clothing, but it's still not too bad despite feeling samey, at least up until the end with the reveal of who the Shaggedy is, or to be more precise, are. I love the setting of the swamp, the misdirect when Kelli summons the wrong monster, just the general craziness by the end of the book. It suffers from being way too long, thankfully not a special edition, but what it does do it does well enough. Well enough for a bronze medal here.

#02: How I Met My Monster (03): Taking second place is the third book in the run. Again, not the freshest story, but I like how it was handled. There's a lot of dark scenes like the pet shop for example, and Noah's fears about Munroe being a monster work really well. Even the pre-final twist that Lissa is also a monster. The end twist is just Stine ripping Trolls 2 off, and you can look at that as a bad thing, but in Stine's case, this actually works in his favor for once. I hate that the penultimate pick is another case of me shrugging the shoulders and saying "it's just okay", but if there's ever a "just okay" book to choose, it's this one.

#01: Planet of the Lawn Gnomes (01): Congratulations, Planet of the Lawn Gnomes, you're a B+ book that is still probably the best book of a meager bunch. Here's your crown, your majesty! I do wish the title of the book wasn't what it is because it makes the twist hit less strongly. That this is a planet of sentient lawn gnomes and all the humans are really robots, including our protagonist Jay AKA Pull-Mar. I think because this book is so weird and so out there evokes a little of the reason I love the twist of Camp Nightmare. If it was cleaned up better and not made so obvious, this could have been a contender for best Goosebumps twist. But for what we got, it still works fine enough to be the best Most Wanted book by default.

Goosebumps Most Wanted feels like a filler arc of sorts. There might be a couple neat things in it, but none of it really feels that worth investing into. I like the idea of bringing back villains, even more obscure ones, but we only really get four (five if you really want to count this second Murder the Clown) and the rest are new stuff that is hit and miss. I'm not a Goosebumps sequel person but hell, Bob, if this is about the "most wanted villains", then go harder in the bring back. Bring back Monster Blood, or the Body Squeezers, or I don't know, Mr. Zarwid and give us a real book with an ACTUAL ending. How are these the most wanted villains when I don't know three quarters of them beforehand and most are just either zombies or ghosts or whatever the hell Trick or Trap was going for?

When going into this Horrific Hindsight, I really didn't intend for a more negative sendup of Most Wanted, but I also tried to really think about the positives and found far less than I thought I would. It really feels like the dregs of the second era. Stine's idea well either trying and not fully landing or him digging deep into the old recycling bin with similar ideas. And yes, blame being in my 30s when I covered these but I think it's still a fair point to make when it comes to Stine's quality as a whole. It's been more shaky in this era than the 90s. Whether that's age or just him falling into a less inspired mentality the fact is that this isn't Stine's best stuff. Ironic then that these are called Most Wanted, huh?

By the time that Stine finished up Most Wanted, 2015's Goosebumps movie would hit theaters and be a solid box office hit. You could think that the success of the movie and the movie's concept creating a treasure trove of ideas with classic villains, maybe Stine could be inspired to broaden himself with sequels and new ideas. Unfortunately, what we got was the ultimate overkill of what could be called his most successful creation. Because if Most Wanted felt like Stine's less inspired entries, then SlappyWorld was definitely more ambitious and far more chaotic. Which isn't exactly the most glowing recommendation. But when next we talk of a Goosebumps in Horrific Hindsight, it'll be the journey through the most recent series, Goosebumps SlappyWorld and trust me, it's something alright.