NNtG: Bone Chillers #08: Welcome to Alien Inn

It's time to check in once more to Bone Chillers. It's been an interesting run of books so far. And this time we have aliens on the menu. And hotels while we're at it. So can an alien hotel deliver the goods or would be better off bell-hopping to another book entirely? You can check out any time you want but you can never leave. Welcome to Alien Inn.

Tim Jacobus delivers again with a solid creepy cover. We have our alien bellhop carrying multiple pieces of luggage with its appendages. And something I really like is that not all of the arms are the same. You have four arms and two tentacles. A nice touch. The creepy three eyed faces is freaky enough to pique interest. Add in some classic Tim warping and you have a pretty memorable cover. Let's hope I can praise more than the cover.

Matt Meyers, his nine year old twin sisters Julee and Ashlee, their parents and their Dalmatian Dotti (okay, top tier pet name) are driving home when they get lost in a snowstorm. Despite Mr. Meyers really wanting them to get back home so he doesn't miss work, the family soon see a lit-up building called the Snowed Inn. Appropriate title, though not so much for summertime. The parking lot is empty and it seems pretty quiet. The family begin to head inside, but Dotti panics and certainly doesn't want to go in. Which means the dog's the smartest member of the family, or she was a human turned into a dog. There's precedent to that latter one.

They enter into the inn and notice the fireplace and sofas. However, an old couple sitting on a sofa have the sofas facing away from the fireplace. I mean, that could be weird, but less freak embers to the face. In the nearby game room are three kids about Matt and the twins' age. The man introduces himself as... Mr. Rogers. And yes, he welcomes the Meyers to his neighborhood. And, like, this guy even looks exactly like Fred Rogers and even Matt knows the reference. So if it's aliens in disguise, they weren't so discreet. Less so when Mr. Meyers asks for a pen and the couple take a while to find out what a pen is.

Matt is already freaked out, but we're way too early for his concerns to even be acknowledged. Also, you know. Blizzard. Mr. Meyers asks about payment, but Mr. Rogers says that it'll be settled when they check out. After unpacking, Matt and the twins check out the kids in the game room whose names are.. and I am not bullshitting you... Bart, Lisa and Maggie. And I literally threw the book across the room in disbelief. Though, it makes sense still. If they're aliens, they based their names from popular culture. It's just so, so silly. Also, Matt explains how coincidental that is as if the reader was living under a rock in 1996.

The kids check out the arcade games including one called Battling the M42 Plyomith Warrior. When Matt plays it, a man in futuristic clothing with loud voice not unlike Darth Vader (or Darth Vadar as written) bellows at him. Matt chooses a weapon to fight him, but loses. He then tries Solar Windsurfing and fails badly on that. Bart says that Matt will get the hang of it eventually. Matt says that won't be possible given this is only a one night stay, to which Bart lets slip that this stay will certainly be longer... on account of the snowstorm that is. And totally not because you've been abducted by aliens. Perish the thought, right? Ha.. ha...huh...

Matt thinks to hit the hay early, but Bart and the others say to not go up there and talk about typical HUMAN CHILDREN things. But when Matt mentions malls and beaches, the three kids are confused. See, they were born in a small town. And they live in a small town. Probably die in a small town. Oh, those small communities. Matt asks where the kids go to which they say over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house. Because their grandparents are Mr. and Mrs. Rogers. You know for an alien species that can look like humans and base alibis on pop culture references, they've got some piss poor poker faces. 

At breakfast the next day, Matt notices it's still snowing out, so they're stuck for a while. The family also notice that the hotel is now more packed with what looks to be business men. But they all get a chuckle at all the poorly spelled food items on the menu like Pan Kaks, Wah Fulls, and Brekfas. The parents mention how Mr. and Mrs. Rogers kept asking them questions. The waiter then gives them their wrong orders. The food tastes like Styrofoam. After noticing a pair of men dressed like football players who are preparing for the Super Bowl... that was two weeks ago, Matt decides to take his leave to walk Dotti. When he gets to his room, there's no sign of the dog. 

He looks around until he eventually hears people in a room at the end of the hall speaking in a strange language. Also he hears the yelp of Dotti. When he finally gets a hold of the dog, he notices two strange square patches shaved into the dog's head as if to put something in her. He goes to show his parents, but they're with Mrs. Rogers, so no good blabbing now when he could easily be caught. So instead he goes out to walk the dog in the snowstorm... which isn't a snowstorm at all. It's nice and warm outside. I guess the meteor man begged to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. 

Matt goes to tell his parents, but Mr. Rogers says that he must have imagined things. Oh, and also they don't believe him because Bone Chiller parents. Matt takes them outside to show them, but it's now a winter bluster. Matt invites Bart out to make a snowman despite the boy's concerns. Matt presses on while Bart makes his leave. As he gets further however, Matt gets stopped by some sort of force field. Wait, we have kids named after Simpsons characters and the plot now involves a giant dome? Did Bone Chillers predict The Simpsons Movie? 

Bart reveals that the Meyers will never leave the Snowed Inn. Matt tries to warn his parents as his father is taken to see a "revolutionary computer". He tells his mother about everything, but she doesn't believe him because, you know. She gets taken to the room as Mr. Meyers returns, now reading a book upside down. Matt is certain his parents were just experimented on. He and Julee (who showed up because she was tired of the Simpson kids asking what a dog was) then notice strange blue bandages on Mr. Meyers' hands. When they ask about the computer, he says it's amazing, but can't remember. Mrs. Meyers shows up with the same wrappings on her hands. While we get Mr. Rogers asking if Matt can spell "Interesting" and he knew he could.

Matt goes to check on the computer room and again hears alien voices. When he sees inside he sees the Plyomith warrior from the game he played. Another one shows up and turns some dials revealing a giant telescope and a starry sky of space. So Matt has his confirmation. They were abducted by aliens. He then sees the Plyomith warriors transform into Mr. Rogers and Bart. After they leave he tries to mess with the computer but with it in Plyomith, he can't understand it. He then sees Ashlee and Julee holding hands with Lisa and Maggie who turn into Plyomiths, who the twins can now understand in their native tongue. But the twins are un-phased and are brought into the same operating room that the parents went into. And sure enough, Matt sees Julee and Ashlee in a similar trance as their parents with blue bandages on their hands.

Matt heads back to the game room and encounters Bart. He plays the Plyomith game and this time succeeds in defeating the hologram. Bart reveals the truth that the Plyomiths are real and that there's this really cool game further down the inn. Matt says Mr. Rogers already showed him, to which Bart gets mad because he wanted to do Matt. PHRASING! So he doesn't get taken there. Matt then heads to the main room of the inn and sees the Plymoliths turning into his family, with Bart becoming Matt. His family now immobile slates. It's there that Matt realizes that the Plymoliths intended to not only steal his family's bodies, but their memories, leaving the originals as a vegetative husk. 

Bart reveals that the Plymoliths come from planet M42. They landed on Earth during a snowstorm and cloaked their ship to look like the Snowed Inn. When the Meyers family arrived, the Plymoliths started to steal their bodies one by one, later jettisoning the husks into a black hole. M42 was running low on resources but Earth has everything they could possibly need. They got the info on the Simpsons and Mr. Rogers and cloaked themselves to look like them. Um... I see that working with Mr. Rogers, but the Simpsons? I guess they could blame jaundice. 

Matt asks if there's a way to reverse the process, to which Bart taunts him, saying that the only way they can be healed is if the Blemowac (the ship's computer) is turned off. But there is no internal power source for the Blemowac to be shut off, so too bad so sad. Matt gets taken to the Blemowac room to be next, but Dotti attacks Bart. Matt grabs a weapon similar to the game and challenges Bart to a duel. But that was a ruse as he shoots the Blemowac causing it to malfunction. His family recovers and Matt manages to get everyone out in time as the spaceship vanishes. As they head home, the rest of the family is confused, but Matt is content that at least he and Dotti knows what went down.

This one wasn't too bad. I think its only flaw is a very mixed pacing, with most of the exciting stuff happening in the latter end. But everything getting there works fine. It's nothing new with the idea of a family going somewhere with people who have evil intentions, but the alien spin still feels at least unique enough to make the book work. And while it's goofy as hell, I even like the idea of the aliens basing their disguises on Mr. Rogers and the Simpsons. Even if the Simpsons one is a stretch, I mean, it's The Simpsons, it works for just how out of touch the aliens are. For a supposedly advanced race that were ready to invade Earth, you'd think they would have studied up first before capturing the Meyers family. But it's 1996 and I guess space internet wasn't a wide thing yet.

Matt's a decent protagonist. No real unique traits, but he's still a decent follow. The twins exist, as do Lisa and Maggie when you think about it. The focus mostly being on Bart. Again, as silly as they are, they do at least feel like threats. And the body snatch plot does feel freaky, especially the idea of a literal body snatch and flushing the lifeless husks down what is essentially the space commode. There's just enough alien tech and ideas that keep the book flowing. Though, even the parents should have figured something was up. But we can't have smart parents in any of these books. That would be more suspicious than a boy named Bart Simpson. 

So what we have is a solid book. Enough of a decent mystery, some good use of aliens and alien tech, some neat horror and a strong enough climax. Biggest flaws are a rushed finale and a lack of a twist, which feels like the norm for Bone Chillers for the most part (though I'm still early on it). Worthy of a recommend. It's not star-studded, but you can still space out to it just fine. Welcome to Alien Inn gets an A-.