My Teacher Glows in the Dark

It's time for the third chapter of Bruce Coville's "Alien Teacher" saga. It took a while due to some other projects taking precedent, but we're finally on the road to the final two parts. We started solid and followed up far stronger. It's time to see where we go from here. And going by the cover alone, we're in for a shocking continuation. Let's cover My Teacher Glows in the Dark. 

COVER STORY

I will say that I both like this cover and also kind of find it to be the weakest of the three so far. I mean, we once again return to the window gimmick of previous books, which works less in this one. Though at least it gives us a shot from a different angle. The alien design this time feels really lacking. I think because it's the most humanoid looking alien yet. Though props to him blowing up the television. It's a neat little action piece. Other than that, it's fine.

STORY

In the first book, Susan Simmons and her sixth grade class were shocked to return from Spring Break to discover their teacher Ms. Simmons was replaced by a strange, stern man named Mr. John Smith. Susan soon discovers the truth about Mr. Smith. That he was an alien named Broxholm whose mission was to abduct five students, the best, worst and three average, to take to their home planet. Susan and her friend Peter Thompson also discover Ms. Simmons trapped in Broxholm's attic. Eventually, Susan, Peter and the other students defeat Broxholm with music. Peter sacrifices himself by entering Broxholm's spaceship and leaving with him. 

In our last book, time had passed and Duncan Dougal, former big bully, discovers a human hand glove in the dumpster and tries to find out who it belongs to, believing it must have been one of four members of his junior high faculty. He also gets jolted by a device called a brain fryer that boosts his intelligence. He gets two more doses which turns his brain into a receiver. Duncan gets captured by Kreeblim, who was disguised as Ms. Karpou, the home ec teacher. However, Duncan and Susan Simmons learns that Kreeblim is working with Peter Thompson and Broxholm to try and determine the fate of Earth. The Intergalactic Council has become concerned about the planet and are arguing whether to invade, leave it alone, block it from the rest of the galaxy or blow it up. With only a month to go, Duncan, Susan and Peter have to find a way to save their planet.

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We continue right where we left off. Peter, Susan and Duncan aboard Broxholm's spaceship with Broxholm and Kreeblim. Susan and Duncan want to know what's been going on with Peter and why he chose to leave Earth five months prior. So this book is more of an exposition dump than anything else, here to fill in the gap about what Peter's been up to in the five months since he left Earth. Peter is also our narrator of this book. His reasonings for leaving were pretty much what we figured. He saw leaving with Broxholm as a learning experience. He also felt it was better than being a bullying victim at school or living with his neglectful father. 

He also posits an interesting take about school. How even the smartest kids, the ones who could even cure cancer when they grow up, would have their spirits destroyed due to the harshness of the social minefield that is school. I can't say I totally disagree. And this is in 1991 before there really was this focus on mental health and the effects that bullying can cause to someone. It's a bleak, extremely defeatist worldview, but it's probably the most human response I've heard on the subject. And in a kids book from the nineties no less. Way to go Bruce, you made me both impressed and depressed at the same time.

Broxholm gave Peter the chance to turn back, but Peter's mind was made up. He's going to see the stars. They arrive in the main spaceship where Peter is... stripped naked with a laser beam? Oookay then. Then a musical voice knocks Peter out. When he wakes up, he's greeted by an alien with a crocodile-like head who implanted a translator chip in Peter's head, as well as fix Peter's vision. I guess for all the supposed super intelligence these aliens had, they've never heard of consent. 

He then runs into another alien. This one is blue and more humanoid, with a white mustache, spindly arms and a pot belly. This is Hoo-Lan, the alien from the book cover. Hoo-Lan gives Peter new, disinfected versions of his old clothing and the two head to the captain's chambers, which look like they're carved out of crystal. In fact, the captain itself is a bunch of crystals in a strange aquarium. The captain's not too happy that Broxholm brought Peter on board, especially with memories intact. The captain says that Earth is a threat to the interplanetary league. A planet of chaos where the people within kill one another in cold blood and how science is a slow crawl. Wow, this was relevant in 1991 and is somehow even more relevant in 2022. Since they don't know how Earthlings will screw everything up, the league suggests a quarantine. And now it's somehow SUPER relevant in 2022.

Since Peter has no intent of going home, he's assigned to learn under Hoo-Lan. Peter asks what Broxholm would think, but the captain thinks Broxholm can GFH. Peter is then taken into a dark area where the only source of light is Hoo-Lan. Since you know, the title told us that. He says that Power is shifting and that Peter may or may not be important to that shift in power. He then gives Peter a device called a URAT, a Universal Reader and Translator, which serves as a type of book that Peter can use to understand what's going on. Or, should I say Krepta uses, as Hoo-Lan suggests Peter change his name. Peter's confused, but ultimately fine with it, since again, his issues with his dad. 

Hoo-Lan tells Peter that he can use his URAT to go pretty much anywhere, including finding a place to eat. We also learn that Hoo-Lan is kind of a spy, more so in the sense of being an observer on the great Earth debate, and the side he's on is losing. Peter is still confused, but Hoo-Lan takes a call from his own URAT and sends Peter on his way for now. Peter ends up meeting two more aliens. A humanoid orange alien with a stalk on her head named Fleef and one that is described as a large brown pickle named Gurk, which sounds more like a turd than a pickle, but what do I know? Peter introduces himself as Krepta, like Hoo-Lan suggested. Gurk then asks if he's touchable. Well, at least one of these aliens knows consent. Peter says it's fine to touch him, and given how concerned Gurk was, he doesn't have to worry about being TOUCHED touched.

They help Peter with the URAT and order him food. He's fine with most of the alien food except for the fries that taste like peanut butter and rotten blueberry. They then take him to an elevator where he feels like his body is being torn apart. Turns out that's how the ship travels instantly. Realizing he's now further from Earth than ever, Peter finally starts to feel a little homesick. Fleef and Gurk also talk about the ethical issue of "borrowing" Earth kids for a project. Like if that would be right to just take them from their parents. Or if it will even matter given Earth possibly being blown up and all. So, you know. Is it wrong to kidnap if where the victim lives is doomed anyway? Peter's rightfully pissed about this, but neither Gurk nor Fleef will tell him what they mean by that and send him on his way.

Peter ends up in a bare, egg-shaped room and uses the URAT to give him the furniture he needs. Except there's no bathroom. After arguing with and getting certain questions from the URAT, he finally gets access to a toilet. Some of those questions Peter says were personal, to which okay, we're getting a bit too creepy with the nudity and the touching and the questions about a child's genitals that maybe we need to rope this in a bit, Bruce. Regardless, he uses the bathroom, then gets the furniture from the URAT. Turns out you can get pretty much any furniture in any size, color and shape. After that, Peter again thinks about the whole "Earth may go boom" stuff and it does bother him. Again, he wanted away from the planet, but he didn't want the thing blown up.

Eventually Peter goes to find Broxholm, only to find him in a room with several other aliens. The council deciding Earth's fate. The aliens ask him a few questions before sending him on his way. Broxholm later tells Peter about what we know about. How the council is concerned about what to do with Earth. A planet where its people can go to space, but also start wars with one another. How dangerous can those people be if they were allowed access to the rest of the universe. He brings up the four options again. Allow them access, take over Earth, quarantine it by blocking its ability to access the rest of the universe, or, you know, the big kablooie. 

So, they've been checking on three things to see what to do. 

1. How the humans treat their planet (which like, that would sink us in 1991 and that was thirty years before NFTs). 

2. The violent nature of humans (which, yeah, that's on point). 

And 3. learning about the human brain, the most powerful brain in the universe.

Peter's caught off guard about that, but Broxholm brings up how the human brain is super powerful yet underutilized. And what could happen if humans managed to control it. Broxholm explains that his trip to Earth was to be an "Anthropologist From Space". Peter brings up that Brox was kind of a sucky teacher, to which Broxholm claps back with his job was to study the students. But of his people he's a kind one, and he does care about the safety of Earth. And both of them cry over it, over the potential doom of the planet. Because in the end, Broxholm does understand enough about why the planet needs to be saved. And while Peter did what he did for his reasons, again, it's his home.

Peter sleeps in a strange yet comfortable hammock made by the URAT and wakes up to Hoo-Lan, ready to teach him more about the URATs abilities. Which, honestly, 70+ pages in this is feeling like a video game where the tutorial stuff bleeds too far into the main game. Essentially it can do anything. But can it get HBO? No, that would cost extra. Their library even the ability to virtually put you into the stories themselves. Peter says that imagine if you had to do a report on Christopher Columbus. Well, I'd say screw Christopher Columbus the genocidal scumbag, but yeah, you can go inside and watch as Columbus again proceeds to be a genocidal scumbag. Oh, and you can VR like a bird too, that's cool at least.

Hoo-Lan then asks Peter to meet with him to discuss things. It's here we learn that Peter's been on the ship three days, which is six weeks Earth time. Hoo-Lan then says that the council want to tap Peter's brain. Essentially hypnotize him and ask him questions. The ones lurking in the back of his head. To see if it presents a better grasp towards solving the human problem. All well and good, but might come with a snag. Peter might not be able to use his brain to think again. But Peter says screw it and goes through with it. He undergoes the procedure from the crocodile doctor, or CrocDoc as Peter refers to him as. Peter is put unconscious and has visions of all of the people he knows. He then suddenly sees a person wearing a mask, face in a strange emotion. He soon sees it's Hoo-Lan underneath the mask who shocks him with is hands.

Peter wakes up as Hoo-Lan is confused about how Peter managed to enter his brain. Which, hell if Peter knows. But that's not as important as Peter's brain literally being taken out of his head for study. But it is connected to him through wires, which explains why he's, you know, not a corpse. He's been out cold for 10 days Earth time at least. Fleef and Gurk show up, hoping that whatever the brain study provides will mean they don't have to blow up Earth. They then give Peter a little furry bug creature known as a skimml, which Peter calls Murgatroyd. If there's not a scene where someone says "Heavens to Murgatroyd" then what are we even doing here?

Some time passes and eventually Peter gets his brain back in his skull. He's then taken to another room with machinery in which Hoo-Lan wants him to put on a helmet of some sort. Peter asks if it's safe, and, like, you just had your brain ripped out, I'm pretty sure we don't have to worry about flawed tech at this point. This gives Peter access to Duncan's brain, linking us to the events of the previous book. But Peter begins to realize why Duncan was so terrible, and that he did seem to have changed his ways since Peter left Earth. Also, he knows about his father missing him now, which is the biggest shock. 

Hoo-Lan then takes Peter to another planet with a lush yet strange environment and a green moon. He then leads Peter into a gigantic animal/chariot called a Rhoombas. He also continues to ask what Peter saw in his head. This gives us the scene we get from the cover. An angry Hoo-Lan in a human disguise using his energy to blow up a TV set. He doesn't answer what that is yet as the two arrive to Hoo-Lan's underwater city. It's a clean place with enough food for the people and any garbage eaten by the sea creatures. So it's what keeps things running. 

Hoo-Lan then tells Peter that he's surprised about the telepathy because the council has never been able to create that power. The closest is by amplifying brain power like what befell Duncan. That Kreeblim turned him into a transmitter. He tells Peter to read his mind, but instead Peter ends up in the mind of Duncan. He explains some things to him including the council's plans, but is unable to finish the conversation. He sees Hoo-Lan on the ground, near death. He gets him to the CrocDoc before talking with the council who want their answer. The problem is Peter still can't give that answer. He's still a kid and hasn't had a chance to understand Earth. But he asks the council for one last chance to return to Earth and find his answer.

Peter makes contact with Duncan and tries again to give a warning before Broxholm takes him back to the council. He learns that Hoo-Lan was once a member of the council, but left to pursue other interests. Unfortunately it looks grim for Hoo-Lan, but his last wish was to let Peter have his last chance to return to Earth and find a way to save the Earth. And the council unanimously agrees. And we're back to where we started from the book as Peter, Duncan, and Susan on the ship while Broxholm and Kreeblim meet with the council. The kids stare at Earth below and now still have to find a way to save Earth.

CONCLUSION

The biggest problem with My Teacher Glows in the Dark is that it's entirely an exposition dump. A much needed one, but that's all it is. Giving us what Peter's been up to since leaving at the end of the first book. So if you were going into this hoping for more aliens in disguise, you'd likely be let down. But if you want more sci-fi elements, some solid body horror and what essentially boils down to "eugenics discussions for kids", then this book more than delivers in that area. And I like it. Maybe not as much as last book, but it still works in a lot of ways.

The strength to the book is the discussion on what's to be done with Earth and the human race, and what is the right way to go about things. Should we be free to travel or be destroyed? Quarantined and trapped or taken over and enslaved? Obviously freedom is the right answer here, but it brings into question the big one about blowing up Earth. For such concern about the violent nature of humans, for the alien council to be so fine with championing the idea of genocide doesn't paint them in the most non-violent way either. Like, even considering it likely being the last ditch effort, it's still trying to champion eugenics and yeah, that's kind of a lame thing to consider. 

Peter Thompson is our narrator this time and his journey in space is an interesting one. Be it everything with the URAT, Gurk and Fleef, Murgatroyd, having his brain taken out, gaining psychic powers and how his perception on things changes. How at first he was fine leaving everything behind, but upon learning the plans of the council and realizing how everyone has taken to losing him, it makes him realize how he's acted. The same kid who started the book thinking that what does being a smart kid matter if your life will be ruined ends the book not caring about that anymore and more concerned on finding the good in the planet to save it. 

Hoo-Lan is an interesting character as we don't know that much about him, but just enough to realize what side he's on. That he's on the side of trying to save the Earth. And his relationship with Peter, albeit brief in the grand scheme is still important. That it showed Hoo-Lan that the humans were indeed worth saving and that it left his final wish to be that Peter succeeds in this plan. So, multifaceted characters, legitimate ethical discussions, some solid horror and adding a lot to the plate of the reader yet respecting their intelligence to understand what's going on. Good on you Bruce.

So, in the end, this book is a definite recommend, though woe be the poor fool who went to read this first given its purpose is to piece together everything before the final book. I think the previous book is still my favorite so far, but I'm now way more interested in finishing up this story. My Teacher Glows in the Dark gets an A-