As we're closing the gap on Most Wanted, we enter one of the books that I'm semi-curious about. Though, granted, Stine doing another book parodying the Wizard of Oz title does concern me a bit, especially since Wizard of Ooze was so mediocre. Hey, that's why pencils have erasers, I guess. Can Stine erase the mediocrity and use that title pun better? Let's see if that's the case with The Lizard of Oz.
COVER STORY
STORY
Kate Lipton thinks her parents are weird. And not in the normal angsty teen "my parents are soooo weird" way. Like in a "quit their teaching jobs to run a miniature horse farm" sort of way. Both Kate and her ten year old brother Freddy are confused, but ultimately just deal with it, until their parents soon learn that when people talk about "adult My Little Pony fans" they didn't mean owning actual living small horses.
So, now Kate has to deal with her family going to Australia for their next pig in a poke. See, now her parents are big into lizards, and given Australia's known for quite a bunch of lizards, it's the perfect place to go to get lizards for their lizard farm. I guess someone never watched Bart vs. Australia. Freddy is now more on board, but Kate, who considers herself the only sensible member of her family, is still not too keen. Suddenly, in the midst of talking about his sky-high dreams of having the greatest lizard farm in the United States, Mr. Lipton has a sneezing fit, which we learn is normal.
Suddenly, a man in a white suit shows up, intrigued at how the Lipton family are into wanting to export some lizards. The man, known as Dr. Clegg, tells the Lipton family of a lizard that would be perfect for them. A fifty-pound, green and ravenous lizard that Dr. Clegg refers to as a Tasmanian cobra lizard. Despite it looking ferocious, Dr. Clegg tells them that the lizard is actually really easy to take care of. He doesn't give them the fully grown one, but rather offers them an egg in this trying time. While he talks to the Liptons about buying his only Tasmanian cobra lizard egg, his assistant, Miss Morris, motions over to Kate and warns her not to take the egg. Kate asks why, and, of course, we never get an answer.
Dr. Clegg says that things should be fine, and he'll give them everything they need to take care of it, as well as his number should anything go awry. Despite Kate's new concerns, the Lipton family buy the lizard egg and prepare to go back to the states, with Mr. Lipton making a joke about how Australia is sometimes called Oz, and you know, Sydney's called the Emerald City like The Wizard of Oz, well they got themselves [Title of the Book]. Oh Stine, you really slapped your knee when this title entered your mind palace, huh?
The Lipton family arrive home, which is a creepy old house between two vacant lots. The parents were going to fix it up, but given how they seem to have a different Lucy Show-esque scheme each week, you can see how they were distracted. They've been back a week and the egg hasn't hatched yet, but Mr. Lipton keeps tricking Kate into thinking it has already. She takes a picture to show at school, and everyone's impressed by the egg. Except for Adele Bender, our stock snobby rival. She claims the egg is a fake and that all that will hatch is egg yolk. Kate could move on and let Adele be annoying, but she decides to make this worse by inviting Adele over to prove that the egg is for real.
Kate and Adele head to the Lipton house which is indeed in bad shape. Adele thinks she sees the lizard running around, but nope, just possibly a mouse. Also they have a macaw because of course they would. They get to the egg and Kate picks it up. Adele asks to hold it, but the egg slips out of Kate's hand and crashes to the floor. Oh no! But, wait, tis a jape from Mr. Lipton. He tricked Kate again. But when he gets the real egg from the warmer, it flies out of his hand and crashes to the ground. Everyone waits to see what emerges from it. But all that comes out is a liquid. Adele leaves while Mr. Lipton just saw another of his big ideas just become an omelet.
However, Kate notices something exit the shell. A strange hairy lizard no bigger than a grape. She manages to get a hold of it, but the lizard ends up biting her finger. Oh, it's one of THESE books. She gets patched up, but dad is more excited about the little lizard, though Freddy thinks it looks more like a bug. Freddy then grabs the lizard to move it to the warmer and crushes it. But, and holy crap I am getting tired of this already, t'was all but a ruse to scare Kate again as the real one's in the warmer already. Like, we get a lot of these fake out chapters, obviously, but this is the first in a while where it's just constant. But we press on.
They feed the lizard a cricket and despite it being twice as big as the lizard, the cricket is quickly gobbled up. All this talk of feasting made them hungry, so the family goes out to get fried chicken at Chicken Heaven because Stine's not one to piss off the colonel. But what is looking extra crispy is Kate's hand, which is getting dry and wrinkly all of a sudden. A side effect of the lizard bite perhaps? I mean, duh, but let's continue. They head home to check on it, only for Kate to remember that she's supposed to practice for the school play, "Superheroes of the West", which sounds really ambitious for a fifth grade production. Kate tries to tell Adele about the lizard, but she doesn't believe her since all she saw was yolk.
Kate shows her a picture of the lizard, but Adele thinks it's a dead bee or something because holy crap Kate stop trying to please her. But things have gotten weirder as Kate's hands and arms have a strange diamond-like, almost reptilian pattern to them. She returns home and hopes her Mom will be back from her trip to Shaker Heights to help her with this. Dad's too busy showing off the lizard to photographers. Good odds he pulled a joke or two on them beforehand. The lizard, which Freddy named Tas (which I think of Taz the wrestler, the Tazmanian Devil and a Tool-Assisted Speedrun) is also starting to change a bit. It's a littler larger, has bigger teeth and bright yellow eyes. It eats a cricket as Kate leaves the house. She spots some flies and suddenly snatches them and eats them. Oh yeah, this is definitely Chicken Chicken/Cry of the Cat at this point. That could be bad or that could be really, really average. 60+ pages left to see.
Freddy sees her eating the flies, and since Kate's not good at pulling a "This be but comedy of the mind", she has a bad poker face about it. After that, Kate sees the mouse from earlier and contemplates eating it later. She takes a shower and notices that the patterns are now across her shoulders. She then needs confirmation so she finds a purse her grandmother gave her that she stashed in a drawer which is also made of reptile skin! Kate is now convinced that the lizard bite is turning her into a lizard. She goes to find her dad to maybe take her to a Dr. Wilkinson who also treats her dad's sneezing fits, but instead finds a giant lizard. Oh god, is the twist also going to be what I think it is?
Kate shows her dad, but all that's there is a giant garbage bag. And despite, you know, his daughter's severe skin condition, he's off to Toronto to get another lizard. This guy is determined to be in the conversation for worst Goosebumps parent. So, Freddy and Kate are now stuck with old Mrs. Overman. Meanwhile, Kate's fingers are turning into claws. But never mind all that, she's out to find the giant lizard. As she searches, she gets scared by Mrs. Overman who thankfully didn't scare her as a joke. The next day, Kate pulls an Orange Cassidy and keeps her hands in her pockets while also overdressing to hide her scales. That works fine... until Gym that is.
She starts to crawl on the ground and go after bugs, which is enough time for Adele to show up and take a video of it that she plans to put on Youtube. My god, if Kate just bit her head off right now it would redeem this whole book, but she lets her walk. And, as expected, Kate becomes more voracious. She tears apart her chicken dinner and then attacks Freddy. She then gets a call from Adele who blackmails her into picking up her brothers or else she'll post the video. See, you should have taken my advice, 2016 children's novella written by the guy who wrote for Eureeka's Castle.
Frustrated that her life is ruined, and, you know, now a lizard monster, Kate grabs the Tasmanian cobra lizard and shakes it violently. It bites her then scampers off. She manages to get the lizard back in the case, then sees the mouse again. She thinks to eat it, but tries to fight off her urges. She gets attacked by the macaw and is in more of a rage. She then decides that maybe she'll get her mind off things by looking at old baby pictures since this is a conveniently timed school project. She looks for them, but can't find any pictures of herself. Only some strange, yellowed photos. One of that says "Kate. Almost Here", but it's a picture of an egg. Suddenly, the lizard monster shows up once again, and YEP. HERE IT COMES...
TWIST ENDING
The lizard suddenly starts sneezing. And the lizard then turns back into Mr. Lipton. You see, and this is some Alex Jones level writing Stine, The Liptons were lizard people THE ENTIRE TIME! Freddy and Kate weren't born normally, they were hatched from eggs. And that's why Mrs. Lipton's off in Shaker Heights. To lay another egg. See, the whole lizard bite wasn't what set off Kate's transformation, but because this is yet another puberty allegory. But they need to keep it a secret. Kate mentions that Adele has the video, to which Mr. Lipton promises to take care of it. Adele is then invited over for dinner. Okay, never mind my whining. A+ twist.
CONCLUSION
Despite my complaints, this book isn't that bad. It does feel unfocused until we get to the transformation stuff, but at least Stine makes the whole thing about the parents being big into lizards a thing before they head to Australia. And the lizard being a red herring at least works, though why the assistant was all worried about it kind of makes this feel like Stine had no idea how to structure the book around evil lizard monster, so it's back to the old tried and true. The transformation/they were monsters all along ending.
Once it starts, I knew where this was going and sure enough, that's exactly where we wound up. Another puberty allegory. Another of the same twist Stine's done dozens of times. BUT, I'll admit I liked the bow at the end of the book as Adele gets what's coming to her. It's a dark twist that I can get behind as we establish Adele as a horrible person who keeps trying to ruin Kate's reputation, and then pulls the ultimate of all scumbag moves with the blackmail. Props to ol' Jovial Bob. You turned mundanity to a positive. Though this is definitely the most Infowars-ish "Gay Frogs" ending we've gotten so far and I don't know if that should be a positive.
But it's all for a book that just feels like so many others I've done. Case in point, Cry of the Cat and Chicken Chicken as examples. Though I'd say this was at least better than Chicken Chicken (Yeah, real hurdle to jump there, huh?), but with all of the joke stingers and dragging its feet, not as good as Cry of the Cat. I mean that had a cat tornado. So it ultimately feels like a book that hit a wall, but bless its heart, managed to hobble over that wall in one piece. So, lightest recommend I guess. It's a book that doesn't break from the norm, but doesn't fall apart either. All you can ask for sometimes I guess? The Lizard of Oz gets a B+.
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