The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Most Wanted #3: How I Met My Monster

It's time for yet another Most Wanted romp. This time, it's not exactly one I'm super curious about, but sometimes the ones I'm least jazzed for surprise me the most. Can that happen here? Let's find out with How I Met My Monster.

COVER STORY

I like this cover, though I'm not super crazy about it either. I do like the detail on the creature with his beastly face and fur. I even like the "I Heart Wolves" shirt for a silly touch. I think my problem again lies with the very basic profile shots from Most Wanted. I don't know what could be different if there was a more detailed background, but it still might make this one more memorable at least.

STORY

We open with Noah "Bean" Bienstock, our protagonist, dreaming about being underwater while also being pursued by monsters. Thing is, this isn't even a new dream or anything, it's one he's constantly been having. His rocket scientist mother (as in, actually a rocket scientist) just thinks it's nerves because Noah is joining the swim team. He didn't really want to join said swim team, but his friend Lissa Gardener thought it would be a good idea. As Noah leaves his apartment, he notices a new family moving into Sternom House, the apartment complex he and Lissa live in. A family with three kids, two very young and another being a boy about his age with long brown hair over his eyes and a serious face. Reader beware, you're in for emos?

Noah heads to school when he gets stock scared by Lissa. As the two of them head to school they get accosted by our bully of the book, Harlan Egman. And I mean stock bully in every way. He's rude, he bumps into them intentionally, he shoves them and takes their lunch money. And of course, neither Noah nor Lissa really have the nerve to stand up to him. In class, a new kid has joined. Monroe Morton, the kid with long brown hair that just moved into the apartment complex. Monroe sits next to Noah and the two seem to get along pretty well, with Noah later showing Monroe to the cafeteria. It's there where Noah sees Monroe eat a bunch of sandwiches whole, like without even chewing. He even mentions that he has a MONSTER appetite, which given Noah's dreams, feels a bit too on the nose.

Noah takes Monroe with him to his swim practice. Of course, Noah still has his concerns given his dream, and they seem to actually have merit as he senses something in the water grabbing him. He panics, only to be saved by Harlan, who uses this as an excuse to force Noah into giving him lunch money forever. And then he pulls Noah's shorts down because of course he does. Monroe also seemingly disappeared. When Noah meets back up with him, the two leave school, only for Noah to yet again be accosted by Harlan. Harlan and Monroe almost fight before Noah tells Monroe to calm down. He also mentions the monster in his dreams. Monroe runs off and disappears. But Noah soon sees something in the distance. Something not human, like a furry beast of some sort. 

Noah heads to the mall the next day to hang out with Monroe. He also runs into Lissa and tells her about the monster he thinks he saw, to which she just says he should just deal with it. He meets up with Monroe who again is very hungry. The pair go to the local burger joint where again Monroe heads off. Noah then hears screams in the kitchen and someone saying the word monster, which again triggers his paranoia. It's made no better when he sees Monroe with what looks to be raw hamburger meat on his face, but it's actually bubblegum. After that, Noah takes Monroe to his dad's pet shop. He loses Monroe again, but then sees what looks to be the furry monster again, this time eating a pair of gerbils. But when he gets his dad, there's no monster. No Monroe either. He tries to tell his dad about the eaten gerbils and the monster, but he doesn't believe him because Goosebumps parents. And also because I guess Goosebumps is a universe where security cameras just don't exist.

Monroe then conveniently shows back up, furthering Noah's paranoia. It's made no better when he arrives home and finds a dead gerbil on his desk with the words "Monsters Rule" written on it. So now Noah has a new nightmare where something is laughing at him. He sees Harlan in his dream, seemingly happy at Noah's fear. The monster then shows up, eyes aglow, saying that Noah is next. Noah then confronts Monroe the next day and asks about the gerbils, and after our chapter scare where he jokes about taking the gerbils, he then says that of course he didn't steal or eat any gerbils. Suddenly, Harlan attacks Monroe and drags him into the nearby bushes. As Noah checks in, he sees a bunch of bones on the ground and panics. But they're not Harlan's as he runs off, skeleton intact. Monroe suspects maybe they're chicken bones, then says that Harlan's time will come in a totally not going to make Noah even more paranoid way.

Later, Noah relays the events to Lissa who says that first off, if Monroe is a monster, maybe he's on Noah's side. And second off, why not just ask him instead of beating around the bush? Then Lissa freaks out, claiming she saw some sort of hairy monster in her apartment who then suddenly disappears. At gym, Monroe gets heated in a game of basketball, then disappears yet again. When Noah searches for him, he hears a scream. Only to find out it came from a kid named Victor who accidentally jammed his hand into the locker. He talks with Lissa the next day, which then gets veered into talking about the upcoming school pet fair, which offers a 300 dollar prize for the most unique pet and given that Noah's dad runs a pet shop, he might have success with a mynah bird or some really unique fish. Oh, I know where THIS is going.

That night, Noah sees Harlan shoving two blond girls around. And because this has to be the worst possible time, he's tasked to get some sour cream from the store for baked potatoes. When he goes outside, he hears growling and thinks he sees three red eyed monsters, so he runs back inside. But when he gets his mother to go outside, there's no sign of anything. So, now Noah's convinced that maybe Monroe's whole family are monsters, including his younger brother and sister. He goes to Lissa's swim meet the next day with Monroe who later dares him to swim in the pool. Noah does so, only to get attacked by the monster, who seems confused when Noah mentions the name Monroe, before saying that Noah is next. Oh god, the monster's Bill Goldberg.

So, Noah's now 100% convinced that the monster must be Monroe. And wouldn't you know it, given that Mrs. Bienstock has to go to Florida for NASA, Noah's staying the week at Monroe's. He begins his stay there and so far, things are fine, despite the younger kids Marni and Mickey being annoying, but hardly the monsters he thinks he's seen. That night, he hears the monster's growling noises. And again, no sign of Monroe. So Noah heads outside where he sees the monster eating a rabbit. The monster then attacks Noah, saying he's next. He begs Monroe to stop, when suddenly the monster shrinks back to her normal form. Yup, the monster's not Monroe. It's Lissa. It's been Lissa the entire time. 

See, Lissa's been a monster this entire time. How, we don't get an answer, but we know that she's been scaring Noah this whole time. She tells him not to tell anyone, but he's pretty annoyed by the whole situation. He does find Monroe and apologizes for being so suspicious of him. He then says that Lissa is a monster. Monroe laughs, then gets serious as he also tells Noah that friends don't tell on friends. And... we just end on that for the moment as we move on to the school pet fair. Okay then. Noah then sees Lissa knock over his aquarium and attack some of the other pets. She then disappears just as Noah gets in trouble for making a mess and, you know, killing some more animals. He then runs into monster Lissa, who allows Noah a five minute head start before she kills him for squealing.

TWIST ENDING

He runs to Monroe's apartment, but guess what? Monroe's a monster too! They're both monsters. Noah is confused as to what's going on, until they tell him to consider the name of this apartment complex. Sternom House. Rearrange Sternom and you get Monster. This is an apartment building for monsters. When Lissa said that Noah was next, she meant next to be turned into a monster. How? Well, they give him something to drink, which sure enough turns him into a monster. And the book ends with Noah and the others, all now monsters, deciding to go visit Harlan.

 

CONCLUSION

How I Met My Monster is just okay. Not the most unique Goosebumps story out there, but does fine in what it intended to do. It's your basic monster story that goes down a lot of the basic monster story routes, even down to our protagonist joining the monsters in the end. Noah's fine, but like so many Goosebumps protagonists there isn't too much unique about him. And Monroe and Lissa work as interesting monsters. And yes, they're literal feral beasts that haunt his nightmares, but they do come off as good friends wanting to help Noah out with the nightmares and concerns. I will say the Lissa reveal is a bit too obvious, but not to the point that it hurts the book. 

There are some decent scares here. The burger shop scene, the pool attack, the dead gerbils, a general feel of fear and foreboding as Noah's paranoia grows. All works to keep the book flowing well enough. The twist is just okay. A bit too much of a Nilbog situation. Never thought I'd see Stine rip off Trolls 2, but here we are. Although there's really not much answer as to what's going on with this monster house. And despite giving Noah the formula, we have no idea where it came from, or how Lissa or Monroe even became monsters from the get go. But, I guess you don't always need to be hit over the head with exposition. Just go with the flow and this book certainly goes. 

So, in the end, it's far from the worst Goosebumps book. Nothing dynamic or super memorable, but serviceable for your regular edition. It does everything well, but so much of that has been done in far better books. This feels like so many of Stine's more notable tropes put into a book that still passes as decent enough a read. So, it's at least worthy of a decent recommend. At least How I Met My Monster ended better than How I Met Your Mother. How I Met My Monster gets a B+.