It figures, huh? My least favorite series of books in Goosebumps would be how Stine wraps up the seminal era of Goosebumps. And I remember hating this book the first time around. I just can't stomach revisiting Evan, Andy and Kermit one more time. But, the results will feel sweeter when we finally get behind it, I guess. So, once more we cover Monster Blood IV.
MONSTER BLOOD IV
RELEASE MONTH: December, 1997
FRONT TAGLINE: This blood is bad to the bone!
COVER STORY
For a book I despise, I love the cover at least. The blue slugs that are our Monster Blood are a great design. Very freaky and weird. Though the giant lips are an interesting design choice. And I like the many weird ways they're used on the art, including the one ballooning up in the shower. All good stuff. Just one problem... I don't think Monster Blood when I look at this cover.
IT'S FOUR TIMES AS EVIL!
Evan Ross can't forget about Monster Blood-the evil green slime that never stops growing. It can turn ordinary pets into ferocious monsters and twelve-year-old kids into freakish giants.
But now there's a new kind of monster blood in town. It comes in a can just like the others. Only difference is this slime is blue instead of green. And instead of growing, it's multiplying—into terrifying blue creatures with razor sharp teeth...
STORY
Remember Monster Blood? The evil green slime that for three books prior have tormented the life of Evan Ross? Be it the first encounter which even I don't know if it even happened at this point given Stine wants to forget the slime's origins. Then there was the issue with Cuddles the hamster turning into a giant. And then Evan turning into a giant–twice! Well, Evan sure does, as we open the book with him being so mentally triggered by Monster Blood that he can't even wear a green jacket without panicking a bit. Yes, we're back with Evan, Andy and Kermit. And things really haven't changed much. Case in point when Evan goes to babysit Kermit only for Conan Barber to show up and stomp on Evan's foot.
Conan threatens to pound Evan for getting his shoes dirty when Kermit shows up to make things worse by running his mouth, which gets Evan beaten up. Yeah, nothing changed with Kermit. He's still a brat that enjoys making Evan suffer, while also using Evan for his experiments, like putting a live tarantula on Evan to see how he reacts. And, just like before he can't actually do anything about this because when he tries to plead his case, his Aunt Dee takes Kermit's side. So, we're starting with a deep retread of what made the last Monster Blood hard to sit through.
So, you know how I mentioned that Evan hasn't been able to get past Monster Blood because, let's be honest, how could he? Well, Andy, the ever wonderful friend she is, pranks Evan with an empty can of Monster Blood, claiming it to be full again. Nope, Andy is still the absolute worst character, still a devil on Evan's shoulder. Still wanting to use Monster Blood as a revenge tool despite it constantly failing. You know, I know Stine just dropped the events of the first book despite them working so well, but if we were to reveal that Andy is actually Sarabeth I could at least stomach her antics.
After that, Evan, Andy and Kermit have a water fight in the middle of winter, which abruptly ends when they soak Conan's sneakers. Conan goes to pound Evan again, when Andy opens another can of Monster Blood that just has spring snakes in it. And that actually works, so I guess a point for Andy. We also learn that Kermit has assembled an electric fence in his yard to train white mice. Both Conan and Evan get electrocuted, which leads to Evan getting beaten up again. We're about 36 pages into this 118 page book. You wanna talk about spinning wheels to get to a point, this book spins them so hard they're catching fire from the speed.
Evan then dreams about Monster Blood, the green variety, being fed to Kermit's mice that then grow into monsters. Did you like that? Because that all the green Monster Blood in this book. This REALLY feels like it wasn't supposed to be a Monster Blood book OR Stine didn't know what to even do with the green slime for a fourth, hence proving why a fourth book wasn't needed, but I digress. Evan and Kermit are awakened by Andy who has something to show them. A new and full can of Monster Blood. And what is Andy's brilliant idea? To use it to scare Conan because again, neuter the hell out of the concept, Stine.
Evan tries to grab the can, but it suddenly gets blown to the roof somehow. Like, how light is that can? They eventually get it and the can is opened to reveal not the green stuff, but a blue Monster Blood. Conan shows up, but Kermit actually helps Evan for once and zaps Conan with the fence. Soon the blue Monster Blood starts to move on its own and form a mass, eventually becoming a strange blue slug with stalk eyes and purple lips. It escapes their grasp and drinks from the hose. It balloons up and explodes, creating more slugs. So we get more incidents where the Monster Blood drinks more water and multiplies into more slugs, with each new iteration getting angrier and angrier. So a Gremlins/Tribbles thing. Again, why is this a Monster Blood book?
The kids manage to get the Monster Blood in a trash bag and stuff it in the bathroom sink, which is already sounding like a dumb idea, especially from boy genius Kermit. 1. It's a plastic garbage bag. 2. The Monster Blood slugs have teeth that can rip up a plastic garbage bag. 3. It's in the bathroom. 4. Bathrooms have water. And 5. There's also Kermit's hair growth formula which the slugs drink and are now even more like tribbles. Kermit suggests the electric fence, but he forgets to turn it on, causing the slugs to enter Conan's yard. Conan goes in for his bi-hourly beating of Evan before the Monster Blood attacks him.
Next idea is maybe hot sauce will kill them. And coincidentally, Kermit's mom made hot sauce. But Dogface, Kermit's dog, knocks over the pot, so that proved to be a pretty dumb idea. Hey, it's the last book, why not some dog abuse? The Monster Blood taste some of it and get angrier, eventually attacking Dogface. There are now a ton of Monster Blood slugs. So many that the police show up, which, given the recent giant hamster and two giant boy incidents they must be getting used to this. Eventually, in the only way that Stine could end this book, the Monster Blood soon start attacking and eating each other until they disappear. Sure.
We then get our answer as to what the whole blue Monster Blood was about as a scientist named Eric Crane shows up. He invented the blue Monster Blood slugs as an underwater fighting force for some unexplained reason. But they were too aggressive and instead of, you know, disposing this dangerous substance safely, he just dumped it in the dumpster. And yes, we have gone super off base on what Monster Blood was at this point. He asks for confidentiality for all this and the kids agree.
TWIST ENDING
But there's still some blue Monster Blood in the can. And guess what super genius Andy suggests? Why don't we put the can in Conan's yard to scare him? Because after all of this nonsense she hasn't learned to STOP USING THE GODDAMN MONSTER BLOOD AS A REVENGE TOOL BECAUSE IT ALWAYS, AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLWAAAAAAAAAAAAYS BACKFIRES! And sure enough Conan eats it and multiplies. The clones are getting thirstier. And meaner. And that's how the original 62 Goosebumps books end. Thanks for the money, suckers!
CONCLUSION
I still do not like this book. I still cannot stand this book. And for it to be the finale of Goosebumps makes it feel so much worse. This is the grand exit before Series 2000? A Monster Blood book that doesn't feel like Monster Blood? This could have been any story. The concept of blue multiplying monsters could have worked on its own. There's enough value in that idea. Making it a Monster Blood book feels like a deliberate attempt to make more money off the franchise, which okay, I understand, but it's just a dire, bad book.
Evan is Evan. Kermit is Kermit. Conan is Conan. Andy is somehow worse. The first half of the book feels like it's dragging its feet a lot to get there, so it's rehashed antics from Monster Blood III. And once we get to the blue Monster Blood, it's at least a bit more interesting. Again, I'll give some points to the monsters themselves, even if it's not very original. But it's a cool idea. And the attempts to defeat the Monster Blood are at least interesting. Though I just get reminded of Monster Blood III having to drag itself to the finish line by having Evan try different failing formulas. There's this feeling of hitting a wall, but managing to drag the wreckage to the finish line, which props to Stine is at least effort.
And I know people who like this book, and I'm fine with that. I just hate the way that Monster Blood started out as an imperfect but solid book and was stretched out to one weak sequel after another. Ones that ignore the things that made the first book work and just have the substance always be this dangerous item despite, you know, the first just being regular Monster Blood cursed by a cat witch. But maybe I could forgive that if not for the need to bring Evan and the Goof Troop back. It's why I can buy a book like Monster Blood For Breakfast not having any connection and even having the Monster Blood be this weird item sold on the dark web. By cutting the weight that really held down any chance for the saga to work, it managed to breathe new life to it. And then Monster Blood is Back came so close before blowing it all at the finish line with a super lame twist.
And, in the end, that's really my feelings on Monster Blood as a whole. A book that never should have had a sequel given sequels that barely worked. Feeling more and more devoid of what made the first book so special. It's like how the green version is represented in this book. An irrelevant afterthought. Just another product without value that Stine pumps out with less love. And after I praised the previous book with such a glowing recommendation, for this to be the finale to the first era of one of the most successful book series of all time just feels deflating. Reader beware indeed.
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