The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Series 2000 #20: Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid!

While the Goosebumps blogs are very popular here, it's rare that there's ever a book I'm due to cover that's hotly anticipated. Sure, there's some that people are interested in, but of the books I haven't covered yet, this is the one people are most excited for me to get to. It's time to see why as we cover Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid!

COVER STORY

This cover is great. I've realized we don't really get many dragons in Goosebumps. At least none that I recall. So our cover being this hulking, fire breathing dragon stalking around a yard, jaw wide open, ready to spew flame is a cool image. My only complaint, it's time little front arms. I barely noticed them at first, so I thought maybe this was a weird armless dragon, then when I spotted them, it kind of made the angle of the dragon look more awkward. Why the little baby T-Rex arms? Other than that, cool beans.

STORY

Our protagonist, Connor Buckley, is the King of Evil. Well, that's a way to start us off. This all has to do with a card game/dungeons and dragons-ish type game where you pick a character and only that character, roll the dice, play cards, and try to survive. So, how did Connor and his friends find the dark arts that is Role Playing Games? Well, it all started when Connor and his friend Emily Zinman (No relation to the Zinmans from Bride of the Living Dummy I'd take it) are bored on a summer afternoon, only to see that their neighbor is having a garage sale. Which one? Why Mr. Zarwid of course. He's the local grouch who doesn't like kids and totally isn't a wizard or anything.

Connor and Emily look around before getting yelled at by Mr. Zarwid to leave. In the midst of this, Connor steals some strange playing cards. Some game called Be Afraid. Neither know what it's about until their friend Kyle Boots runs in yelling "Prepare to Die" which is like his catchphrase. His really concerning catchphrase. He also knows about Be Afraid, so the three of them can play the game at least knowing the basic rules. 

The cards are set into four decks: Character Cards, Action Cards, Power Cards and Fate Cards. The game also requires four dice to play. They pick their cards. Connor gets king, Emily gets Goth (which is more or less the spellcaster of the game) and Kyle gets a dwarf-like creature called a Krel. They roll dice for power, with Connor getting a five (or 500 power) to Emily and Kyle's two and three. They begin to play as a convenient thunderstorm rolls in. They then see Mr. Zarwid at the door. He thinks they stole the cards, but Connor claims innocence. Mr. Zarwid leaves giving them a warning that the cards are dangerous and to [TITLE OF THE BOOK]. As he leaves, the power goes out, making this more ominous.

Emily plays an action card that allows her to raise an army to storm Connor's castle. Connor rolls a three giving him three hundred soldiers to defend. As the kids play, they hear noises like horses whinnying and men yelling coming from outside. Connor manages to roll enough points to take over another castle, as the noises outside get louder. Then suddenly, a dwarf creature breaks through the door. A Krel, like on the card. After it leaves, Connor picks another card, a dragon. They hear noises, but it's just Connor's parents coming home. The kids also see what happened to the house of another family, the Nelson family, whose house was destroyed by what they claim to be an army of knights.

Now Connor is realizing what's happening. The game is bringing whatever they play to life. Case in point the army and the Krel. And now Mr. Zarwid is even more suspicious. But Connor is worried about what will happen if people learn they're responsible for all this. That's enough for the kids to stop playing that night. Connor has a nightmare involving a knight that is stalking him. When he wakes up, he then finds out that the cards are gone. And that's because Emily and Kyle want to continue playing, because I guess they're just still on stupid mode. And, I mean, we're only on the 40th page, this is bound to get weirder.

They draw more cards, Emily going from Goth to Dragon, the true natural progression. Along with Kyle's Krel, they team up and set an army of elf fishermen on Connor. Just before Connor's beaten, they hear another noise outside. And this time, it's indeed a dragon that they've summoned, causing chaos in the neighborhood. Connor thinks that maybe putting the cards away will get rid of it, but instead decides to summon an army of masked knights to fight it off. He summons a mere five that get yeeted by the dragon with little to no effort. So, now they decide to just put the cards back in the box and it manages to work. 

Now realizing the trouble they've caused, the three decide to give the cards back to Mr. Zarwid. But they see one card fall out of the box. A card of Mr. Zarwid, who they realize is actually Mr. Wizard. But sadly, no science experiments today kids, as the kids head to his house. They see he owns a pet monkey, but no monkey business today kids, because he's pretty angry about them stealing the cards. But no slap on the wrist today kids, because Mr. Zarwid instead warps them into the world of Be Afraid. 

They end up in a strange medieval village and see strange little hunters called Jekels. They try to hide in a haystack, but no luck there. The kids get caught and taken to the Jekel leader who thinks they're wizards, seeing as how they've entered this world. The kids say they're not, so they're forced to drink a strange liquid. If they're telling the truth, it'll be fine, if not, well, hope you like the rich taste of poison. But before they can do that, another dragon shows up, causing more chaos. The kids run for it and escape the Jekels, only to find strange plant-like elk creatures called Stelks. The Stelks then attack Connor, Kyle and Emily with vines and...

YOU FINISH THE STORY

Ex-excuse me? What do you mean, "You Finish the Story"? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YOU FINISH THE STORY"? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Well, we then cut to a kid named Mark who was reading the book of this story the whole time. He complains to his sister Amy that the book just ends on this weird cliffhanger of "YOU FINISH THE STORY". Like, he recaps it and everything. Is-is R.L. Stine making meta commentary? THE HELL? But the game intrigues Mark enough to want to play Be Afraid itself. They start playing and sure enough, the lights go out and they get transported to a fictional world where they have to face a dragon. Mark remembers what happened in the book and says that they need to get the cards and put them back in the box. 

They run off into the forest, only to get caught in a net. Suddenly they see a strange walrus man who speaks in Yips. He takes them to a giant oven to be cooked. Amy asks if Mark knows what to do, but the book never even got this far to let us know what to do. They grab the man's dog and throw it at him, giving them time to run. Suddenly, they get surrounded by Stelks, along with Connor, Emily and Kyle. The three ask for the cards so they can go home, but neither have the cards, they're stuck here. Suddenly the Jekels arrive again. They find the Zarwid card in Connor's pocket and try to communicate with it, but it blows away. Mark grabs the card and tears it up, only for them to slip into darkness and...

YOU FINISH THE STORY

TWIST ENDING? I DON'T EVEN F***ING KNOW ANYMORE

We go to another pair of kids, Brenda and Ross, as Ross is again angry that this book he's read makes no sense. He takes it back to Mr. Zarwid who trades him for a deck of Be Afraid cards. The cosmic ballet goes on.

CONCLUSION

I... uh... I have no idea how to even talk about this one. It may be the biggest mess of a Goosebumps book I've ever read, and that is saying a lot. I really don't know what happened here. Did Stine just not have an idea what to do to conclude the first story, so he added in the whole next cast of characters only for that to also not have a logical conclusion? Is part of it meta commentary on the quality of the series? That even he was beginning to find his work nonsensical and devoid of satisfying outcomes? I mean, tensions were mounting between the Stines and Scholastic at this point. Did that factor in him just going on autopilot? I really have no idea how to critique this one. 

I guess if it reminds me of any book, it's The Blob That Ate Everyone, particularly in the first part where the kids playing the game brought creatures to life. So, it's also kind of ripping off the original Jumanji? There's some neat ideas in the books, particularly the Stelks which sound like a really cool monster concept. It's just that everything else just doesn't work to provide any reason to get invested. Once Stine hits you with that "You finish the story" stuff, any real interest to continue fizzles. Characters are all very one note, another reason I feel that the constant change of casts is a meta commentary on how one dimensional they became. 

So, in the end, I don't know how to grade this. It's not a good book, but has some neat ideas, but they never get to amount to anything, and the book is a narrative mess, but a memorable mess, so it evens out? I'm going to need some Tylenol and a nap. Be Afraid - Be Very Afraid! gets a Z%.