Most Wanted has been a strange run of books, but I remember liking the original Creature Teacher back in Series 2000. With about 17 years in change since Mrs. Maaargh's prior appearance, can Stine hit another surprise hit? Let's get schooled once more with Creature Teacher: The Final Exam.
This is another example of Brandon Dorman's quality improving. His take on Mrs. Maaargh actually ends up being more creepy and freakish than even Tim Jacobus. With the added accoutrements of the web-like drool in her beastly mouth and even more detailed bug eyes. I also like the math equations in the background to further the fact that yes, this is a book about a monster teacher.
Tommy Farrelly was hoping to spend his summer at camp with his friends, but that's not the case this year. See, his family is obsessed with winning. His mother, his father, even his six year old sister Darleen is a winner. But not so much Tommy. That's why this summer he's being dumped off at Winner Island Camp, where "winners are always winners." Well, it can't be worse than the other sports camp we visited that had the hypnotic blob monster that sweat snails. The family look at the pamphlet which mentions that losers never return from Winner Island Camp. And because they're all obsessed with winning, they don't see that as something to be concerned with.
Tommy gets dropped off at camp where he meets a counselor named Jared. I could make two inappropriate jokes involving two different people named Jared, but I'll abstain. Jared's shirt has the word "Winner" on the front, which again just makes me think of Buddy and the "Only the Best" pin. They board the boat to head to Winner Island. It gives Tommy a chance to read the pamphlet a bit more, it mentions a camp director named Uncle Felix. Okay, I never went to camp, so I'll ask, was the "uncle" thing for the directors a regular thing? Because it's been a running theme in a lot of the camp books. Regardless, a quote from Uncle Felix mentions that they eat losers for breakfast. Again, it's not enough to get Tommy concerned. Tommy gets dropped off by Jared who wishes Tommy good luck, and hopes he'll see him on the way back. Tommy begins to wonder what he means by that.
Tommy is then greeted by a gruff bearded man named Robb, who continues to call Tommy "dog". As they head to his bunk, Tommy then sees a bunch of kids wrestling one another. Tommy think it's a random fight, but Robb mentions that it's the morning routine. This bothers Tommy considering he has never been in a fight in his life. Robb tells Tommy that he'll take his duffel bag to the bunk while Tommy visits Uncle Felix. Uncle Felix is a short, skinny man, not what Tommy expected for a sports camp director. Uncle Felix mentions that Tommy should go see the teacher, who will help him win. He also mentions that he's being called "dog" because this camp is dog-eat-dog. Tommy still not cluing in on the whole "dog" euphemisms. When Tommy mentions Robb, Uncle Felix mentions that they have no Robb on their staff, which means Tommy got robbed. Robbed by a guy named Robb. Okay Jovial Bob, I'll give you that one. That's pretty clever.
Uncle Felix sends Tommy out to find his cabin, Cabin J. But this is also a mind game since the cabins are actually numbered. He runs into a girl named Sophie who gives him the right directions, then says that she isn't actually allowed to do so. Everyone in camp is competing against one another because they don't want to be eaten. Tommy scoffs at this, despite, you know, all the signs so far, but Sophie tells him that when he sees the teacher, he'll understand. Her name is Mrs. Maaargh and she's a real monster. He still laughs this off, because like Paul Perez in the first book, he's really slow on the draw here.
Tommy finds his cabin, only to be splashed with cold water by another kid named Ricardo, who was gunning for a kid at cabin ten. Ricardo mentions that he too was robbed by a man named Steele. If his first name is Troy I'm going to be very upset. He mentions Mrs. Maaargh, to which Tommy still scoffs over. Sophie then shows up and warns Tommy that he'll be the one to be eaten. We learn that Mrs. Maaargh just showed up on the island and has been eating children ever since. Uncle Felix is too afraid to deal with her, but managed to strike a deal. She can eat one child each summer in exchange for the freedom of everyone else. Hence the whole fear of losing. Tommy still thinks this is one big joke, despite both Ricardo and Sophie looking frightened. Tired of all these claims, Tommy decides to find Mrs. Maaargh and see for himself.
Heading up to Mrs. Maaargh's office, Tommy almost ends up hit with a bowling ball. A girl with braids tells him that "dodge the bowling ball" is one of Mrs. Maaargh's favorite games, and that if they don't do so, they'll fall further down her chart. She also mentions a wolf being sicced on them. Tommy, despite this being the third person frightened about Mrs. Maaargh, still thinks this is a joke. He finally enters Mrs. Maaargh's office and sees that she is a large beast of a woman. But then he somehow makes himself come off even stupider by thinking her face is a mask, which he tries to pull off. You know, at this point, maybe Mrs. Maaargh should eat you. Even Paul clued in faster.
But shocker of shockers, it's not a mask! Tommy finally realizes that everyone was telling the truth. All it took was pissing off a monster who now has him at the bottom of her food chain. Mrs. Maaargh is now super pissed as well over the face pulling thing. And it's here where I'm glad I took some stomach medicine because Mrs. Maaargh then punishes Tommy by making him grab a spoon and pick her nose. Tommy opts out and runs away, because at this point he's damned regardless. He rushes to the dock and waits in the cabin in hopes of someone finding him and saving him. However, the cabin just happens to have a guard snake. A guard rattlesnake to be specific. Tommy ends up saved by Uncle Felix, who sends him off to Mrs. Maaargh's class, but Tommy has other plans. He rushes to Uncle Felix's office to use his phone to call for help, but get squirted in the face with purple permanent ink.
Tommy enters Mrs. Maaargh's class with ink still on his face. But since other kids have ink on their faces, at least he wasn't the only one with that bright idea. Mrs. Maaargh shows her "Wait Watchers Chart", which she uses to watch and wait to find out who will be the bottom of the food chain. Tommy is of course at the bottom, while Sophie has dropped close to the bottom after helping Tommy. She then mentions the final exam, which will be a series of challenges to see who can win. She then pulls out some purple worms and hands them to the campers, telling them that this is a test of courage. Tommy takes the worm and eats it, only to learn that that wasn't what the test was. It was who had the courage NOT to eat it. So, he's still at rock bottom. She then eats a rat and laughs.
So, Tommy's pretty screwed, but Ricardo comes up with an idea. Why not give Mrs. Maaargh flowers? That'll work. It doesn't work. She sneezes up yellow snot and is still pretty pissed. Sophie cops that even though they're friends, the rules state that friends are not to be trusted. I mean, I'm not shocked Tommy didn't realize this yet. He's a little slow on the draw here. Suddenly a pair of counselors grab Tommy and drag him to play some of the sports including Mud Tag, to which he gets murdered by one of the large counselors named Bert. Tommy decides to run away again, but this time he has better luck. He finds his duffel bag. Turns out Robb just took it and threw it away. He takes some hot sauce and gives it to Ricardo as a prank. Payback for the flower thing.
Ricardo then mentions that there is an event called the Bat Run, where Mrs. Maaargh brings the campers out in the middle of the night, turns off the lights and sics bats on them. Ricardo hands Tommy a can of bug spray that he can use against them. Because this totally doesn't feel like another lie. The Bat Run commences and Tommy decides not to use the bug spray since he thinks that Ricardo is lying to him. Turns out he ends up the only one attacked because everyone else used bug spray. Even Mrs. Maaargh knew about the bug spray which makes Tommy a loser yet again.
Tommy asks Ricardo about the next event, which is the underground swim. Swimming in the tunnels under the camp. It's too dark to see anything, but you have to win regardless. Ricardo hands Tommy a penlight to help him. The underground swim commences and it's like going through a large water slide. Tommy goes to use the penlight, but there's no batteries! He got screwed over again. And as such loses again. Tommy confronts Ricardo, but Ricardo claims that he didn't know that one of the penlights he had didn't have batteries. And in fairness, maybe Tommy should have actually checked in advance.
The final challenge arrives. The object is to climb across a rickety wooden ladder from one cliff to the other. If you fall, you fall into the giant orange quicksand pit below. Since Tommy is at the bottom of Mrs. Maaargh's chart, he is first to climb. He starts, but Ricardo tells him not to grab the tenth rung. It'll break and he'll fall to his doom. Tommy at this point doesn't know what to believe. But it turns out that Ricardo lied. It was the Eighth rung that was the broken one. Tommy falls into the quicksand. Tommy is saved by Bert, who then takes him to get cleaned up and put on the platter for Mrs. Maaargh to eat. She starts to lick Tommy from the bottom up (ewwwww, Stine) but then stops and starts to choke. She had licked the hot sauce that was in Tommy's pocket. Mrs. Maaargh panics and runs off to the beach of the camp, then into the water, swimming away.
The kids celebrate Tommy defeating Mrs. Maaargh, but their party is soon halted as Uncle Felix shows up to introduce the newest teacher. A two headed monster named Mr. Baaargh. Mr. Baaargh tells the kids that they'll be continuing the winner's chart, only now the bottom two kids will be eaten.
Creature Teacher: The Final Exam is a mixture of two books, the original Creature Teacher and The Horror at Camp Jellyjam. The latter is a sports camp where winning is important, while this book sees the emphasis put more on what befalls the biggest loser. Instead of being led to mop a monster, it's to be eaten by one. Like the former, it involves a protagonist that takes a long time to realize that everyone is being serious about Mrs. Maaargh. That she is really a monster and true to her word. So, the previous Creature Teacher was one I liked, does that mean I liked this one? Not as much. It felt like the ultimate sin of a sequel: too close to the original. Similar concept, similar protagonist, similar stakes, similar villain. Tommy's likable, but also kind of annoying as well with how dense he is when it comes to realizing the truth.
What I do like is the "trust no one" mentality of the camp. While Ricardo and Sophie screw Tommy over constantly, it makes sense. Their lives are on the line. They need to survive lest they be eaten. So why would they ever want to actually give Tommy any advantage? Does it make them bad? Yes, but within reason. I also don't mind the resolution of getting rid of Mrs. Maaargh since we didn't just redo the foot tickling solution. The twist however is pretty mediocre, granted it's probably the only real way to give this one any sort of believable twist. Though whatever happened to Marv, Mrs. Maaargh's son? I guess him being a red herring again wouldn't have worked so well a second time. In the end, this was fine. Not amazing, but not a mess. A fair middle ground book. But they can't all be winners. Creature Teacher: The Final Exam gets a B-.
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