The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps SlappyWorld #13: Monster Blood is Back

I guess I got careless. I guess I got comfortable. I should have realized that sooner or later, I'd be battling the green glop once more. But, given the last Monster Blood book was actually not too bad, maybe this can continue the trend. Or just be another big mess. Let's let the fates decide with Monster Blood is Back.

I like this cover. It's a goofy looking cover, what with the Monster Blood wearing an apron and its lil' chef's hat, about to chow down on some batter. But it's the detail that make it legitimately freaky. The kitchen utensils strewn about, sticking in its mass. And then there's the silhouette of someone trapped inside the mass, their handprints can be seen, trying to escape. It's some cool horror that does feel reminiscent of The Blob, which was one of the inspirations for Monster Blood. Solid stuff once again from Brandon Dorman.

After Slappy's regular preamble, we open with our protagonist, Sascha Nelson, telling us about how finding Monster Blood was the worst thing t happen to her and her friend Nicole Hillard. Coincidentally, it was also on the same day they had a chance to be on their favorite TV show, Kids Big Chef Food Fights. A cooking competition where three teams of two compete for the silver spatula, which is worth two thousand dollars. Oh, the timely reference I can make there, but I would rather be Biden my time. And the competition is coming to Adam Driver Middle School. Something something Star Wars reference.

Sascha and Nicole love to whip up weird food creations. As they prepare a sundae with tortilla chips, Sascha's eight year old brother Toby arrives and makes a mess with Sascha and Nicole being blamed because no Goosebumps parents can seem to actually punish the younger sibling themselves. After cleaning up, the girls head to the school for the tryouts. Suddenly, Sascha almost gets hit by an SUV. Like almost out of nowhere. And the driver just keeps driving. She jumps out of the way in time, but still smacks the ground hard. She recovers and isn't too hurt. As the girls try to recover after... that... they notice a store they haven't seen before. A store with the inviting name of VERY EVIL TOYS. 

The store seems strange, and even stranger is the shopkeeper, a man in a robe and a skull mask named Bardo. I wonder if he's related to Mr. Sardo (wait, no Mr., Accent on the "do"). Sascha still has to buy Toby a birthday present and Bardo shows off plenty of goods. From a cockroach farm, to a flower shirt that squirts permanent ink to a plush cat that bites. The VERY EVIL in the store name isn't just for show apparently. But Sascha and Nicole spot something else, a can labeled "Monster Blood is Back". Why does that just feel like a placeholder title that Stine never replaced? They buy it from Bardo and decide that since Toby loves slimy stuff, it's the perfect gift, so they buy two cans.

The girls then head back to the studio to audition for the show. They think they're locked out, but realize they have to push the door open. That seems to happen a lot in Goosebumps. Similar to how no one knows how to lock their doors at night. They meet with the executive producer Heston Hill, or Hess for short, and get to their station. They notice the other contestants are friends of theirs named Miller and Debra. But they're less enthused at the sight of Ashli Lorraine and Nathan Diggs. The rich kids in school who nobody likes and always cheat. So, this means things are going to be bad. That starts when the girls see worms in their ingredients planted by Nathan. But Hess is cool with it because it means drama. The girls prepare an omelet with the real ingredients when they hear a loud bang. They think it's Nathan, but he claims innocence. 

The timer ends for the first challenge and the kids present their works to the three judges, Larry Ming-Lee, Mary Franklin and Jake Fortuna. Debra and Miller's is okay, while Nathan and Ashli's is considered perfection. However, Sascha and Nicole's somehow causes the judges' mouths to burn. The girls mope about it for a bit before being annoyed again by Toby. Knowing he might find the Monster Blood early, they have to hide the cans in Sascha's closet for now. They know for certain that it must have been Ashli and Nathan who sabotaged their dish and possibly cost them a spot. But Jake Fortuna, the only judge who can speak after the incident tells them they're out of the show. 

When they return home, they see Toby with the Monster Blood stuck on his arm. The girls try to remove it, their arms get stuck as the mass seems to be growing. They manage to remove the mass, but when they try to get it into the can again, it begins to grow some more. They stuff it in Sascha's backpack for the moment. At dinner, she tells her parents about the incident at the tryout and they actually believe her because they too know that Ashli and Nathan's parents are also cheaters and while Mr. Nelson thinks they should have told on them, Mrs. Nelson logically says they would deny it anyway. 

The next day, Sascha and Nicole tell Ashli and Nathan that they know they pulled a scam on them, but the pair say they have no idea what's going on. While that's happening, the Monster Blood continues to grow in Sascha's locker, making a mess. They rush back to the store to return the Monster Blood, but it's missing. Instead are a bunch of other stores they've never seen before. They get stopped by Hess, who tells them that they're back in the show after the team that replaced them got sick. The girls head to the studio, much to the chagrin of the still suffering judges. They see Ashli and Nathan along with two new competitors Sunday and Jackson. The girls then decide that they're going to cheat the cheaters by using the Monster Blood. Hey, it's that trope from these books that I really hate, but at least it's not someone who knows the true damage it can do like Andy and two kids who aren't fully aware yet. I'll let it pass.

Things don't start off well as the casserole the girls serve ends up cold in the middle. They guess that Ashli and Nathan must have shut off the oven when they weren't looking. Still two rounds so they're not kicked off immediately. The girls have had enough, so while Nicole distracts everyone by pretending to be hurt, Sascha puts some Monster Blood in Nathan and Ashli's fishbone soup. They then serve it to the three judges. Nothing seems to happen. The show wraps for the day with the desert round being filmed the next day. Sascha leaves the bag filled with Monster Blood in the studio. This proves to be a bad idea as it could still grow and the bag has her name on it. So, the girls head back to the studio, only to find the bag is missing. Possibly removed by the cleaning crew.

Sascha leaves for the studio as Toby is having his birthday party. He tells her that he has a secret, but she doesn't get an answer as she heads off. When she arrives at the studio, they notice the three judges have grown eight feet tall and can't fit in their chairs. The assistants go to get bigger chairs from the closet, but the Monster Blood pours out, swallowing the judges whole. The girls make a run for it, Sascha trying to convince herself it's all a nightmare, but it's not. They get sucked into the Monster Blood's mass, when suddenly they see a giant Toby and other giant kids. His secret was that he took the second Monster Blood and ate it. The giant kids destroy the Monster Blood and free everyone from the mass. Hess mentions getting it all on film and that it will make a great horror movie. 

Suddenly, Sascha notices things are different. There's an ambulance and she's laying on the ground. Nicole tells her that she just woke up after that SUV almost hit her. They never even got to the studio yet. Meaning everything that we just went through, that was just a dream. That was just a dream. That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight. Losing my religion. Throwing this damn book across the room! Slappy does say "if it's a dream then why does she have green slime in her hair", but it's Slappy. I ain't listening to him. 

So, yeah. That is sure a way to end this one, huh? It is obvious that Stine had zero idea on how he could finish this book. Because, let's be real, when you have to end your book on "it was just a dream", that's usually a sign that you couldn't come up with a twist that would work to finish this book. I can tell from the get go because the first paragraph mentions that finding Monster Blood was the worst day of Sascha and Nicole's life. But if it didn't actually happen, then it wasn't. Unless they found it after this dream sequence and screw you reader, you don't get THAT adventure, just the head trauma one. Thanks for the ten bucks, sucker! 

And it being a dream is riddled with serious plot holes. How would Sascha know what Monster Blood is, even in her dream state? And if it was all just a convenient case of sheer coincidence, how would this Monster Blood from her dream have the same abilities as the previous green incarnations? A clever person like me would think she may have seen the Weird Copy interview with Evan Ross from Return to HorrorLand beforehand, but Stine would never in a million years even try to tie this book with a random Series 2000 sequel. And you could ague "well, it's Slappy telling the story", and if that's the case, then Slappy is clearly better at dealing with knotholes instead of plot holes.

Now, that's not me saying that an "It was all a dream" ending couldn't work if there was thought given to it to make it work. There are strong examples. Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, Newhart. But the thing with those is that with the two former, the concept is about the protagonist being in a world that already feels like a dreamland devoid of the logic and order that they're accustomed to. Wizard of Oz at least strengthens the ambiguity of the "or was it a dream" ending with how Dorothy wakes up, or returns to Kansas, whichever way you see it. And with Newhart, the sitcom ending feels less cheap when it all becomes tied to the Bob Newhart Show in a clever twist. Those were uses of the trope given actual thought and not just tossed on the last two pages to try and hope that you'll be satisfied with the bare minimum. And even Goosebumps has done the "it was all a dream" concept before, but with books where the very concept of the plot allows for things to be set in a dream world. 

And it's such a shame because this book almost worked. As a Monster Blood book it probably would have fared in the better uses of the substance since the original. Sascha and Nicole are okay protagonists, albeit a bit bland. Ashli and Nathan are interesting antagonists, but the book sort of leaves if they really were the cheaters unresolved. A strong possibility could have been that it was Hess, the executive producer, as the book makes it clear that he loves drama, and having a team be sabotaged so easily would have at least made a good twist. I mean he's an executive producer, there's an evil bone in him regardless.

Or, and this could have been the most logical reveal and progression of the plot, the girls put the Monster Blood in Ashli and Nathan's meal during the tapings and the judges still eat it. Then, when Sascha and Nicole's meal is judged, it all goes well. In fact, the judges love it. A stark difference from the tryout meal. The girls are confused and excited, but still leave the bag in the studio. The next day, as the girls make it to the studio, they're stopped by Debra and Miller, the other team from the tryouts. The Moira to the other teams' Lucas and Jimmy. They congratulate the girls for getting in regardless, then confess the truth. It wasn't Ashli and Nathan who sabotaged Nicole and Sascha's meal, it was them. They knew that the girls were great cooks and would certainly beat them straight up, so they tried to cost them a spot during the tryouts just in case. It fills Sascha and Nicole with guilt for feeding the judges the Monster Blood as they rush to the studio where the chaos begins. It at least puts a bow to that conflict.

And the book is paced fine. It uses the Monster Blood a bit better than many of the original series latter books. It feels enough like a threat, especially in the end, although there is the case where the kids still seem to treat it like a revenge tool. I'm far less angry compared to other cases, but considering that Sascha and Nicole, having no clue what this stuff can do aside from grow, try to poison the judges with it to outcheat a pair of cheaters, it's still a bad use of the Monster Blood. And there is some decent action and enough of a crazy climax to justify this one being a solid book. And then Stine had zero clue how to end this and just made it all a brain trauma-induced nightmare. The twist with the giant kids seemed like a strong enough way to end this, even have it end darkly like the girls almost get stepped on, or end with Sascha accidentally swallowing some of the Monster Blood, leaving her worried about her fate. I mean, at least those are spitballs. final outcomes that would at least feel like a twist, or a scary enough way to end the story. I know they at least set it up with the hit and run, and even that doesn't get any answers, but still. How do you make a lamer Monster Blood ending than the original where the slime just vanishes? Man, I wish it really had. 

In the end, this came so close and burned out right at the very last two pages. Another example of what I've always felt about this series and that is Monster Blood is a series I really wish was a one and done. Fun fact, the Monster Blood book before this, Monster Blood For Breakfast!, came out 13 years before this one. I seriously hope I don't have to see it for another 13 years.

STORY: GG

SCARES: GG

TWIST: 0

ENJOYMENT: GG.5

OVERALL: 1.5 Gs