It's time to boldly go where Goosebumps has gone before. Several times before. Especially in Series 2000. It's the penultimate edition of Series 2000, and it is imperative that Earth Geeks Must Go!
COVER STORY
Gotta level with you, this might honestly be the dullest cover that Tim Jacobus has ever graced us. There are some positives, namely the nice blending of the red as it reaches higher into the starry sky, and the reflection of Earth in the spaceship window is pretty neat. But other than that, where's the scary? Is it supposed to be the astronaut with the yellow eyes? Because if that's the case, is that ever a wet paper bag of a scare. Of the nearly 100 covers that Jacobus provided, this may hands down be the worst. But I can at least sidebar to this piece of trivia before we get to the book proper:
Originally, the book was meant to be called Earth Geeks Must Die! However, Scholastic deemed it too violent, despite the words "Die" "Dead" and "Murder" being featured for past book titles. Jeez, no wonder Stine was ready to peace out.
STORY
Jacob Miller is a pretty average kid that just likes normal stuff that any other kid would like. On the first day back to school however, he sits in a strange classroom with students he's never seen before. None of Jacob's friends are in the same class as him. The teacher is a short man with a deep voice named Mr. Kray. He welcomes the kids back and asks if they're ready to begin the trelth grade. Jacob's confused, but the other kids seem to not really react. Mr. Kray then writes on the chalkboard, but the symbols are strange and alien to Jacob, who of course is tasked with solving the equation. When he says he can't, another kid named Myrna does it for him. The kids are then sent to the classroom computers to write about what they did over the summer, but Jacob notices the map on the computer isn't anywhere he's seen on earth. In other words... well duh, it's obviously aliens, that's what I expected the premise to be... bitches.
However, despite it being pretty obvious to anyone that they're clearly in some alien school on another planet, Jacob is all like "Is this really my school? Were the hallways always green?" classic Stine padding that makes the character we're reading about look like a moron. He heads to lunch, but still can't find anyone familiar. Jeez, clue in already! Well, maybe the lightbulb will flicker once he sees other students eating their food with their armpits. He's disgusted by all this, but also notices a strange girl starting at him, possibly realizing that he's not like the others. Jacob runs out of the school in a panic, but hears footsteps behind him. He rushes into the woods and gets his legs covered with weird hairy leeches. He manages to get them off his legs, just as the girl from before finally catches up with him.
She introduces herself as Arlene and tells Jacob that she isn't like the other kids. For one thing she has no armpit hole to eat food with. Suddenly, more of the leeches attack them. Myrna and a few other students show up and tell them the bugs are called splatters. The kids then slap the splatters, which cause them to explode. The kids then ponder why the two of them were outside of school on school time or why they were going into the woods because of some vague rule. Myrna and the other kids take Jacob and Arlene to Principal Trager, who claims the two have done something horrible. But then he laughs because it's one of those chapter breaks. He tells them that the rule is simply because there are wild creatures in the woods. He also admonishes Jacob for the whole mouth eating thing. As the kids leave, Arlene notices a splatter on her back. Jacob goes to slap it, but Arlene can't stand to see other creatures get hurt. Jacob then hears a man's voice from behind a wall asking him to come over, but he high tails it.
The school bell finally rings as Jacob and Arlene leave the school. They see some kids playing with a silver disc and talking about screm and meeners and tossing the krill. Why does every attempt at weird names from Stine in later books just sound like his weird sexual lingo? As they walk, they both realize that they have no memories of their families or where they even came from originally. They find a library in hopes to find any answers, but I guess their brains lapsed on that whole "this world uses a different language) thing. Suddenly, they see a strange, skinny man in a stained trench coat and hat staring at them. When he asks for them to come over, the two kids make a run for it. Jacob believes it to be the same man who called to him at school.
They make it to what Jacob believes is his house, but nobody's home. Arlene believes that she may have been in this house before and assumes that maybe this is all a test from some sort of government testing lab. Oh, now you just make me want to read Camp Nightmare again instead. They turn on the television and eventually land on a news show that exclaims that Earth Geeks have landed. Mayor-Governor Dermar exclaims that they won't survive long on this planet and name drops the book title. Jacob and Arlene then come to the realization that they're the Earth Geeks and they must die, or go, or whatever. Jacob then ponders that if they're Earth Geeks, does this mean they're not on Earth? ... YOU DENSE MOTHERFU-
As they look around for clues, Jacob trips on the carpet and smashes his head on the bookshelf. This act of brain damage is enough to jump start some of his memory. He's from Madison, Wisconsin. Arlene still can't think of anything, but then thinks of a theory that maybe they're both robots. This book really feels like Stine was reading one too many conspiracy sites. Jacob suggests that maybe Arlene should also attempt giving herself a concussion, when they decide to go to school to check the records. But we already established that YOU CAN'T READ THE ALIEN LANGUAGE! This book, man. This might honestly be the most "Stine gives not an ounce of a turd" book I've ever read. But before they can do that, they get caught by the strange man. He then drops the bombshell that Arlene and Jacob are siblings and that he's their father. Although he claims his memory is sketchy as well.
Dad tells the kids that they need to keep a low profile until they can find a way to escape. Jacob and Arlene return to school and try their best to BS things, until they get to gym. The gym teacher, Mr. Grody, hands Jacob a black, rubbery cube and calls him "First blett". Jacob stands there dumbfounded as he doesn't know what to do, or how to play whatever they're playing. Being idiots, Jacob and Arlene reveal that they don't know the rules. Mr. Grody and the other kids surround them and start chanting "Earth Geeks" at them. They bring the two kids to Principal Trager. They claim to not be Earth geeks, but after Trager gives them a quiz, they fail so badly that their cover is pretty much vaporized.
Jacob and Arlene do the only thing they can do, jump out an open window and make a run for it. They meet up with their dad, who then steals a car as police sirens close in. However, since it's an alien car, he has no idea how to control it. The car drives fast as he panics about how to drive it, until suddenly they crash into a wall. Jacob awakens in a prison cell, sees his dad unconscious with his head bandage, Arlene slumped in a corner with her arm in a sling. They are awaken by men in black uniforms who lead them to Mayor-Governor Dermar. Dermar presses them for answers, but the three have no idea. He also pressures them about having some sort of weapon that can hurt this planet. Again, the three have zero clue what's going on, but that's been this whole book honestly.
They're brought to a room and hung upside down, over a giant pot filled with splatters. They get lowered inside, but suddenly the splatters whisper to them that they won't hurt them. What. Dad claims to have the weapon so that Dermar will let his guard down, when the pot is tipped over and the splatters attack Dermar and his men. The splatters then confront Jacob, Arlene and their dad. The splatter at the top reveals himself to be Grolff, the appointed leader of the splatters. WHAT? When the three of them came to this planet, the splatters had their memories erased to make sure they had the weapon. A weapon that would destroy the humanoids of this planet so that the splatters could finally rule. WHAAAT? Grolff reveals that they had planted a bomb in Mr. Miller's watch. Dad takes his watch off to hand it to the splatters, when Jacob snatches it from him and smashes it. This triggers the bomb, which lets out a powerful siren. God there's still 15 pages left. And yes, I know I used tribble imagery twice. If this book refuses to give a damn, why should I?
The siren causes the splatters to pop and explode. Jacob says that he heard Grolff's voice in his mind and that it confirmed that the splatters were actually evil. Dermar confronts the three and congratulates them. Turns out that the splatters have been trying this for a long time, sending Earth geek after Earth geek with some sort of contraption to destroy the humanoids. But now that they're gone, everything is great. The Miller family are celebrated by the populace and given new shiny gold uniforms. After the party, the family ask if they can return to earth, but Dermar informs them that they have no method of space travel. He then preps the three for armpit hole surgery.
They then remember someone named Crazy Old Phil? Remember him? Thought he'd be a prevailing character of the story? Well think again. Crazy Old Phil has a spaceship that might work. The family enter the ship and take off.
She introduces herself as Arlene and tells Jacob that she isn't like the other kids. For one thing she has no armpit hole to eat food with. Suddenly, more of the leeches attack them. Myrna and a few other students show up and tell them the bugs are called splatters. The kids then slap the splatters, which cause them to explode. The kids then ponder why the two of them were outside of school on school time or why they were going into the woods because of some vague rule. Myrna and the other kids take Jacob and Arlene to Principal Trager, who claims the two have done something horrible. But then he laughs because it's one of those chapter breaks. He tells them that the rule is simply because there are wild creatures in the woods. He also admonishes Jacob for the whole mouth eating thing. As the kids leave, Arlene notices a splatter on her back. Jacob goes to slap it, but Arlene can't stand to see other creatures get hurt. Jacob then hears a man's voice from behind a wall asking him to come over, but he high tails it.
The school bell finally rings as Jacob and Arlene leave the school. They see some kids playing with a silver disc and talking about screm and meeners and tossing the krill. Why does every attempt at weird names from Stine in later books just sound like his weird sexual lingo? As they walk, they both realize that they have no memories of their families or where they even came from originally. They find a library in hopes to find any answers, but I guess their brains lapsed on that whole "this world uses a different language) thing. Suddenly, they see a strange, skinny man in a stained trench coat and hat staring at them. When he asks for them to come over, the two kids make a run for it. Jacob believes it to be the same man who called to him at school.
They make it to what Jacob believes is his house, but nobody's home. Arlene believes that she may have been in this house before and assumes that maybe this is all a test from some sort of government testing lab. Oh, now you just make me want to read Camp Nightmare again instead. They turn on the television and eventually land on a news show that exclaims that Earth Geeks have landed. Mayor-Governor Dermar exclaims that they won't survive long on this planet and name drops the book title. Jacob and Arlene then come to the realization that they're the Earth Geeks and they must die, or go, or whatever. Jacob then ponders that if they're Earth Geeks, does this mean they're not on Earth? ... YOU DENSE MOTHERFU-
As they look around for clues, Jacob trips on the carpet and smashes his head on the bookshelf. This act of brain damage is enough to jump start some of his memory. He's from Madison, Wisconsin. Arlene still can't think of anything, but then thinks of a theory that maybe they're both robots. This book really feels like Stine was reading one too many conspiracy sites. Jacob suggests that maybe Arlene should also attempt giving herself a concussion, when they decide to go to school to check the records. But we already established that YOU CAN'T READ THE ALIEN LANGUAGE! This book, man. This might honestly be the most "Stine gives not an ounce of a turd" book I've ever read. But before they can do that, they get caught by the strange man. He then drops the bombshell that Arlene and Jacob are siblings and that he's their father. Although he claims his memory is sketchy as well.
Dad tells the kids that they need to keep a low profile until they can find a way to escape. Jacob and Arlene return to school and try their best to BS things, until they get to gym. The gym teacher, Mr. Grody, hands Jacob a black, rubbery cube and calls him "First blett". Jacob stands there dumbfounded as he doesn't know what to do, or how to play whatever they're playing. Being idiots, Jacob and Arlene reveal that they don't know the rules. Mr. Grody and the other kids surround them and start chanting "Earth Geeks" at them. They bring the two kids to Principal Trager. They claim to not be Earth geeks, but after Trager gives them a quiz, they fail so badly that their cover is pretty much vaporized.
Jacob and Arlene do the only thing they can do, jump out an open window and make a run for it. They meet up with their dad, who then steals a car as police sirens close in. However, since it's an alien car, he has no idea how to control it. The car drives fast as he panics about how to drive it, until suddenly they crash into a wall. Jacob awakens in a prison cell, sees his dad unconscious with his head bandage, Arlene slumped in a corner with her arm in a sling. They are awaken by men in black uniforms who lead them to Mayor-Governor Dermar. Dermar presses them for answers, but the three have no idea. He also pressures them about having some sort of weapon that can hurt this planet. Again, the three have zero clue what's going on, but that's been this whole book honestly.
They're brought to a room and hung upside down, over a giant pot filled with splatters. They get lowered inside, but suddenly the splatters whisper to them that they won't hurt them. What. Dad claims to have the weapon so that Dermar will let his guard down, when the pot is tipped over and the splatters attack Dermar and his men. The splatters then confront Jacob, Arlene and their dad. The splatter at the top reveals himself to be Grolff, the appointed leader of the splatters. WHAT? When the three of them came to this planet, the splatters had their memories erased to make sure they had the weapon. A weapon that would destroy the humanoids of this planet so that the splatters could finally rule. WHAAAT? Grolff reveals that they had planted a bomb in Mr. Miller's watch. Dad takes his watch off to hand it to the splatters, when Jacob snatches it from him and smashes it. This triggers the bomb, which lets out a powerful siren. God there's still 15 pages left. And yes, I know I used tribble imagery twice. If this book refuses to give a damn, why should I?
The siren causes the splatters to pop and explode. Jacob says that he heard Grolff's voice in his mind and that it confirmed that the splatters were actually evil. Dermar confronts the three and congratulates them. Turns out that the splatters have been trying this for a long time, sending Earth geek after Earth geek with some sort of contraption to destroy the humanoids. But now that they're gone, everything is great. The Miller family are celebrated by the populace and given new shiny gold uniforms. After the party, the family ask if they can return to earth, but Dermar informs them that they have no method of space travel. He then preps the three for armpit hole surgery.
They then remember someone named Crazy Old Phil? Remember him? Thought he'd be a prevailing character of the story? Well think again. Crazy Old Phil has a spaceship that might work. The family enter the ship and take off.
TWIST ENDING
CONCLUSION
Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but move over Monster Blood IV. I now have a true bottom of the barrel when it comes to Goosebumps. Earth Geeks Must Go may have been the dumbest book I've read, and considering I've read quite a lot for this blog, that is saying something. The protagonists are incredibly stupid. Slow to realize their surroundings aren't of Earth, even slower to realize that nothing on this planet uses Earth writing. And it's not even an excuse of their memory loss either, they're just that stupid. And considering most of the first half is padded with Jacob and Arlene being dumb, that made this one a slog. The second half tries to be more exciting with the whole car scene, but that's also dumb. You're on an alien planet, why would you think they have Earth cars?
And then there's this general conspiracy theory-laden feeling to this book that just doesn't work. The theories like that this is really just a test, or they're robots, or the splatters are the real heroes, or the planet humans are, right down to good old lizard people as our twist. And the conclusion just feels like dumb luck and hardly the characters themselves ever having a moment of clarity or something similar. This book feels like the ultimate phone-in. The sign that Stine was ready to make his leave from Scholastic and Goosebumps, and as such offered a book with no effort, no thought and nothing redeeming about it. Hell, no wonder the cover feels like Jacobus' putting in zero effort. There was nothing in this book to really give off a cool alien world vibe, so we get a boring scene of a crazed character heading to Earth, which never happens in the book. Goosebumps has forever been considered junk food books for kids. Fun and easy, but with little to no value. I've read a lot of them, and I feel that most don't deserve that moniker. This is one of those cases however where that criticism is more than valid. This feels frankly insulting to its younger audience.
This was the last Non-Give Yourself Goosebumps book to be released in the 1990s, and just like the decade and the century, if this book was any indication, it was definitely the right time for Goosebumps to end. And with one more Series 2000 book and two GYG books released after this one, thankfully, that's a case of sooner than later. Earth Geeks Must Go! gets an F.
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