The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Most Wanted #1: Planet of the Lawn Gnomes

It's time once again to venture into yet another later era Goosebumps series. It's time for Most Wanted. Technically, that started with Wanted: The Haunted Mask, but it's also not officially considered a book in that line. It's odd. But given that book is straight up trash, I can forgive Stine. Most Wanted's gimmick was a return of some classic Goosebumps villains, along with some new goes to give us some scary new adventures. And yes, that means you-know-who will pop up in the next book. But we first have to take another visit to the world of the lawn gnomes. Oh goody. It's Planet of the Lawn Gnomes.

COVER STORY

I've made statements before that honestly, I'm not super crazy over the Most Wanted covers due to most of them just being profile shots of the villains of the book. Some do break from the monotony, but you do get a lot of covers like this one. We get two creepy looking gnomes with their creepy faces looking really creepy. And that's it really. Great detail though, but not exactly a cover I'll think much of later on.

STORY

Jay Gardner is a good kid, or so he claims. So it doesn't really help his case when he decides to pull a prank on Mr. McClatchy, the mean neighbor. Everyone hates him and he hates everyone, including Mr. Phineas, the dog that belongs to Jay and his family. So Jay gets the bright idea to take a ladder and put it in front of Mr. McClatchy's window to scare him. But then he notices he's been caught, only to see that it's a pair of lawn gnomes. After that incident, he's quickly caught by Mr. McClatchy, who tells Jay's dad that Jay must have been planning to sneak into his house. Or, this was going to be one weird Animal House parody. Jay's dad does mention that Jay hasn't quite been acting himself lately. Keep that in your pocket.

Jay's behavior has apparently been an issue before as his sister Kayla even mentions that it was him being a nuisance that caused their family to move once before. She suggests they ride their bikes to maybe get this whole thing out of Jay's system. As he gets his bike out of the garage, he sees a pair of lawn gnomes on his yard. That seems odd since they weren't there before. When they pass McClatchy's house, the gnomes from his yard are missing. Suddenly, another boy crashes his bike into him. He introduces himself as Elliot, saying that Jay must remember him, but Jay says they just moved to this neighborhood. Elliot then suggests riding to the quagmire (giggity), which Jay agrees to do. He notices more gnomes, but doesn't get any substantial answer from Elliot other than "oh, you know". Jay then gets his bike caught in the quagmire's quicksand-like water, which is also filled with killer fish. Elliot then sinks inside. But the two kids manage to escape. Then the kids get attacked by buzzard hawks for a bit before going home. You know, normal stuff.

Jay's now in even more trouble because his bike is now sunk deep in the quagmire and there's no way he'll get another. Not to mention he's already grounded for the incident earlier. As he heads home he sees that every lawn has a pair of lawn gnomes to it. He thinks he hears a gnome talking, but it's just his dad, disappointed yet again. The next day, Jay mixes some chemicals in his chemistry set when Kayla suggest taking Mr. Phineas for a walk. However, the dog gets free from Jay's grip and is almost run over, then caught by one of the giant buzzard hawks. However, Jay throws a bottle at it which saves Mr. Phineas. However, when Jay goes to check on the man who almost crashed into Mr. Phineas, all the man can say is "Malfunction. Malfunction." Cops arrive and take the man away and don't seem to punish Jay for it. And I think we know what the twist is already. Thanks Bob.

Unfortunately, Jay runs afoul of Mr. McClatchy again as Mr. Phineas ends up running into his yard. McClatchy, not fond of the dog on his porch then kicks Mr. Phineas in the gut. This prompts Jay to want to get revenge on McClatchy by mixing up a formula and sneaking to his house at night. He then has McClatchy drink a formula that turns him into a dog. But that was just a dream. That was just a dream. That's me in the corner...

The real revenge plot on Mr. McClatchy is to break the lawn gnomes on his lawn. However, when Jay attempts to do so, he gets caught by the gnomes who start to choke him. Jay gets out of the way, but other gnomes from other lawns start to show up. They chant "malfunction" at him and chase him until Jay makes it back into his house. He tells his parents about the gnomes chasing them and they don't... wait a second they DO believe him because... well there's like 50 pages left and we can't just get to the obvious twist yet.

In fact, he's in trouble more for going out at night, which appears to be taboo. Elliot shows up later and Jay again tries to get an answer about all this, but still nothing. After showing Elliot some of his inventions, Elliot fakes malfunctioning to scare Jay. As they leave Jay reveals that he does have an issue of screwing up. Case in point, he burned down their previous house by using his chemistry set, which is why they since moved. Jay's dad was president of the city council in their old town. After not just the house fire, but similar cases of Jay's behavior, he lost his job and they had to move. Jay then asks if Elliot wants to hang after dinner, but Elliot reminds him that nobody goes out at night. You know. Frustrated at nobody telling him what's going on, he goes after a lawn gnome and tackles it, only to injure himself because it's made of stone.

So with everyone telling him not to go out at night, Jay goes out at night once again, determined to get some answers. He also heads to Elliot's and drags him out of the house. The gnomes arrive, at least fifty of them, and they begin to attack Elliot and Jay, yelling "malfunction" yet again. The gnomes grab them and take them to the quagmire to throw them in. Jay grabs a light stick he made which makes the gnomes freeze. He realizes that the gnomes only come to life in the dark, not the light. It's why they're still in the day but move at night. Like a Gargoyles thing. Jay goes to grab Elliot, but pulls his arm off, revealing wires and circuits inside.

Elliot now begins to say "malfunction" as the gnomes focus on Jay again. Jay tries to use the light stick again, but it doesn't light. He throws it into the quagmire. The gnomes circle Jay, but they aren't alone. Someone else is there. Kayla. She tells him that he broke the rules. That it's the gnomes world at night. When he mentions that Elliot was a robot, she says that of course he is. Also, she's not real either, she's imaginary. She disappears and Jay tries to run for it again, only to yet again be caught by the gnomes who drag him back to the quagmire. He sinks into the quagmire and is almost eaten by the fish below, when suddenly he's lifted back up in a net by the gnomes. His parents are there, as as McClatchy and Elliot.

TWIST ENDING

So, this was all a test by the gnomes and the others to fix Jay's malfunctions. As you likely guessed early on, Jay's not human. He's not even named Jay. He's Pul-Mar, a mecha-noid on the planet Polovia, the planet of the gnomes. The others are also robots who serve the gnomes by fixing the planet by day so they can roam at night. See, Pul-Var has been acting weird, calling himself Jay and talking about some planet called Earth. In other words.... BOOM! SECRET ALIEN ROBOTS BUT NOT ACTUALLY SECRET BECAUSE THE TITLE OF THE BOOK LITERALLY IMPLIES THIS IS ANOTHER PLANET, BUCKOS!

After everyone leaves, Pul-Var spots Mr. Phineas, who talks to him, saying they have to return to Earth. Pul-Var is confused, but the dog says "who are you gonna believe?"

CONCLUSION

So, this book is weird. Really weird. Not weird in a wholly bad way mind you, but definitely one of the more out there Stine books I've read. There are things I like. I like the idea of the book, with enough mystery being built as to what exactly is going on. However, the book does make it too obvious that things are weird here. From the quagmire to the buzzard hawks. There isn't much time to let this world breathe or build an interesting mystery. Once the "malfunction" stuff begins, it's obvious where this is going. Jay and all the non-gnomes are robots. This is very much similar to A Shocker on Shock Street, but nowhere as well hidden until the end. Then there's a similar feel to Welcome to Camp Nightmare with the big twist of this all being a test and everyone being alien by the end, only in the opposite. With Jay being a bad kid who isn't trying to be bad, but just terrible by proxy having to be fixed to correct his issues, and the joke at the end of "what is Earth?" in comparison. Not a bad way to end the book.

So what you're left with is a book with an ambitious concept, but very messy in terms of how it's handled. It does spin its wheels for a bit in the middle, and again, the answer to the mystery becomes too obvious, but some of the mystery is interesting and the swerve of Kayla being fake is a nice bit. Though the ending does cloud things up, making you wonder what the hell is even going on? Is Mr. Phineas really talking? Is Pul-Mar needed at Earth? Does Earth exist at all, or is this all part of the malfunction? Is Jay being gaslit by the others into thinking he's a robot? Hell, the ending could even be some sort of last moments of Jay as he dies in the quagmire, his AI creating some more false memories, giving him a happy ending as he dies underneath. So as a book that make you think, I'll give Stine credit, he actually did that. The gnomes are interesting villains, but it could be any creature and still got the same effects. In the end, I'm still weirded by this one, so I guess that's enough to warrant a B+ at best. Gnome more. Gnome less.