The Stinal Countdown: Goosebumps Series 2000 #3: Creature Teacher

It's time to get ourselves schooled with yet another trip into Series 2000, and our administrator is quite the beastly beaut. It's Creature Teacher.

COVER STORY

I like this one. The warping actually works to accentuate the alien vibe this cover brings. And of course there's our titular teacher who is also a creature. Mrs. Maaargh is quite a sight with her giant monster mouth, bulging eyes and rows of sharp teeth. I remember this cover freaking me out, but nowhere on the level of any of the earlier book covers. Top form Jacobus. There are other sketches out there that featured different concepts from monster feet to differing angles for frightening effect, but what we get is still some great work.

STORY

Paul Perez is kind of a joker. By which I mean all he ever does is make jokes. He's like if Carlos from Magic School Bus had no restraint. Well, his latest stunt went a bit too far. He brought his parrot to school for show and tell. Unfortunately his parrot knows a lot of vulgar things to say about his teacher, which sends Paul to the principal's office. And in the midst of that, he ends up tripping his teacher, causing her to smash her knee into the ground. Turns out he's also a klutz as well. Paul's parents have had enough, so they ship him off to a boarding school known as the Caring Academy. It's an academy for overachievers, but oh man, Paul's a slacker with no goal for himself. Get us some Kenny Loggins in here and we have a real snobs vs slobs situation.

Paul and his parents make it to Caring Academy where they're greeted by a tall man named Mr. Klane, the Dean of students. As he takes Paul's bags to his dorm room, they bump into a strange chubby mole-like boy named Marv. Paul also sees the door for the academy headmistress, but more on that later. Paul's brought to his room as his parents make their leave. He then runs into two girls, Celeste Majors and Molly Bagby, who warn him to get the hell out of this school while he still can. But before they can elaborate, Mr. Klane sends them off to Mrs. Maaargh's class. In class, Paul meets his roommate, Brad, a handsome brown-haired boy who is big on the violin. Molly also plays violin, which is an issue with the upcoming talent show. Mrs. Maaargh only allows one talent per person. Also, since Paul doesn't have a talent, the others are legit concerned for his safety.

The room has a dummy hanging on a rope, which advertises the talent show. Paul claims that he's probably a good dancer and grabs the dummy to do a tango. And then Mrs. Maaargh finally enters the classroom. She's gigantic and wide, with watery eyes and a large cow tongue, which she uses to lick Paul's arm. Paul's alarms are not going off as they should because he still thinks this must be some big joke. Get one over on the new kid, that's the ticket! He makes it to his desk and notices Mrs. Maaargh's feet under the desk. They're gigantic clawed feet. She notices Paul staring and just out and out admits that she is a monster. Paul, a joker unable to read a frigging room, still thinks this is all a joke. Mrs. Maaargh then tells Paul about the food chain, how the bigger creatures eat the smallest. After the talent show, she'll eat whoever is at the bottom of the chain of students she's created. Since Paul is new, she puts him on top of her chain, but she's more than certain that he won't stay there long.

As Mrs. Maaargh begins her grammar lesson, she calls Paul up to the chalkboard, and being the klutz that he is, he steps on her giant foot. It causes one of her black claws to break off, which she promptly eats. Paul of course is still dense as a post and thinks that they're going awfully far for such a joke. At lunch, he ends up sitting with Marv, the boy from earlier. He backs up the claims that this is real, and that this is Mrs. Maaargh's first year at the Caring Academy. Molly and Celeste then break it to Paul that Marv is Mrs. Maaargh's son, and that he'll no doubt tell his mother about the "ugly and weird" comments he's made about her. He runs off to apologize before things get worse, only to spot Mrs. Maaargh eating a live mouse. Somehow, after everything that's gone down so far, THIS is what makes him realize that this whole thing's not a prank. She's a legit monster.

Paul panics and tries to find a phone to use so he can call his parents. However, the phones are only available for students during holidays. He talks to the other kids, who tell him that everything is true, and he has til Sunday to find a talent for the talent show. Oh, and to have a science project and a report ready. Suddenly Paul realizes that his place on top of the food chain is about to sink lower than a boulder falling into the Mariana's Trench. It's okay, Paul thinks, he'll just talk to the headmistress. But, shocker of shockers, Mrs. Maaargh is also the headmistress. She tells Paul to fatten up a bit and that she knows he's going to be the one she eats. As Paul leaves, Marv shows up with some fudge for him. Paul freaks out, thinking that he must be trying to fatten him up for his mother.

With the talent show auditions coming up, Paul still has no idea what to do, but the others suggest trying balloon animals and telling jokes at the same time. Seems like the best last ditch effort. Paul has to go to Mrs. Maaargh to get permission, but when he gets to the classroom he sees pieces of a rabbit that she just ate. The auditions arrive and things seem to be going fine. Unfortunately for Molly, she's still at the bottom of the food chain despite her solid violin performance. Turns out Maaargh has beef with her over trying to escape. Brad goes to get his violin, but when he opens the case, a powerful skunk odor billows out. Paul then tries his balloon act, only to see his balloons have been pre-popped.

The kids think Marv must be up to this, sabotaging the kids so his mother will have the perfect kid to feast on. Brad goes in a state of panic trying to find a different talent to work on, while Paul focuses on his science project, which is of a very complicated molecule. Paul also tries to write a letter to his parents, only to see that all mail just goes in the trash. He tries to use an office phone, but it also doesn't work outside of holidays. The science fair shows up and Paul shows Mrs. Maaargh his project early, but instead of a complicated molecule, it's been rearranged to spell "YOU UGLY". Unfortunately for Paul. he ain't got no alibi. Maaargh is so pissed that she puts him below the food chain and starts calling him lunch meat. As Paul runs off, he sees Marv smiling.

Paul figures he has no other option at this point, he has to escape. And conveniently he finds one door that doesn't have an alarm of even cameras around. On a rainy day, he starts to make his escape. But Molly catches him and tells him that his parents have arrived. Unfortunately for Paul, his parents are Goosebumps parents. They don't believe that Mrs. Maaargh is a monster, and get pretty pissed at him for trying to escape the school. He then clicks on to what she's trying to pull. Mrs. Maaargh is tricking his parents into thinking he'll disappear by escaping, and not by being eaten. The parents scold Paul some more before leaving, while Marv offers Paul a cookie.

Paul practices his balloon act and readies himself for the talent show. He then gets a note from the school secretary to go to the auditorium early to perform for Mrs. Maaargh. Molly shows up instead telling him that the talent show was canceled. But before Paul can feel relieved, he's grabbed by Mrs. Maaargh and dragged down the trapdoor of the stage, and taken to  the school furnace. She may be a monster, but Mrs. Maaargh is no savage! She cooks her victims. Paul manages to smack her with a shovel and run. He runs back into Molly who cops to being the one who sabotaged Paul and Brad earlier. She was the bottom of the food chain and needed some way to save herself. She brought him back to the school to ensure she wasn't eaten.

As the two kids head to the elevator, Mrs. Maaargh grabs Paul, denying him his freedom. He escapes her grasp and runs into Marv yet again. Marv says that he wasn't trying to hurt him, he wanted to be friends. Marv then tells Paul how to stop his mother, by making her laugh. Mrs. Maaargh corners Paul again, and with his jokes and other forms of comedy failing, his last resort is to tickle her monster feet. It works, causing her to laugh herself into a state of hibernation.

TWIST ENDING

Paul feels relieved that this is all over, but then Marv tells him that all this excitement made him really hungry. Let's hope he's ticklish too.

CONCLUSION

Creature Teacher is decent, all things considered. If this book compliments any other in the series, it's definitely The Girl Who Cried Monster. But in this case they make the monster an actual evil threat and, you know, not an innocent creature who was targeted and killed by an evil monster child (#JusticeForMortman). This feels more like what I wanted from that book. Less ambiguity, more evil monster action. I like the sense of tension this book has. How all the kids are fearing for their lives because Mrs. Maaaargh is a monster of her word. It then makes sense why Molly was so desperate to survive. It doesn't absolve her, but it's something. The use of Marv as a red herring was useful as well, though perhaps a bit too obvious that he wasn't the culprit who was sabotaging everyone. Paul starts as a very annoying protagonist, but becomes more likable as the story advances. I will say the book super rushes the ending, and the twist is kind of predictable, but overall, this was a fine book. Doesn't fully shock me that Stine would revisit the Creature Teacher concept almost 20 years later. In terms of Series 2000 books, this one is high on the food chain. Creature Teacher gets an A-.